Ferard. Based around the song "I Don't Love You". Prequel to story "Stay"
I Don't Love You ((MCR))
Your sweet thin lips part with such ease, letting your heavenly voice flow smoothly out. Your eyes glisten with joy and happiness; the smile almost never leaves. The microphone which is so dangerously close to your mouth makes my heart beat the slightest bit faster as I feel jealousy towards it. I can not help my jealous feeling for it seemed like simply moments ago my lips and yours were together; fitting like two final pieces to a hectic puzzle. But now my lips shall not meet yours again except for the pure intention of making the crowd scream. You are not mine anymore but I will always remain yours; truly yours.
"How about this?" I suggest awkwardly as my slightly trembling hand grips a piece of paper. We are working on another album; keeping the band going for another thrilling ride. You take the paper from me, still smiling, and read it over. Your smile fades as your eyes dart across the paper; I look away and towards the cold floor.
"This is really good." You say quietly as you continue to read and re-read the lyrics; the music. Turning away from me, you pass the paper to the others for them to read. The decision in unanimous and we quickly grab our instruments to try it out. Now my heart beats slightly faster because I will hear the words flow from your mouth as they flowed from my heart. You seem hesitant to say them; almost as they're as painful for you as they are for me. But you do it anyway.
"Well when you go, don't ever think I'll make you try to stay." Just as I imagined, the words fit so perfectly with your voice. But the pain consuming me as they dance around me brings tears to my eyes which I must fight to hold back as I play. I can not let this happen; not here, not now. I will not cry in front of you but rather wait until I'm at home again; lost in the darkness of my room. "And maybe when you get back, I'll be off to find another way."
I believe you know this song that came from my heart and holds so much meaning is about you; about us. What used to be there but somewhere was lost along the journey. We can not get it back so it remains forever trapped inside our memories. "And after all this time you owe, you're still a good-for-nothing I don't know." I don't look at you but I can feel your eyes on me. Your gorgeous eyes which hold pain and possibly even regret. Looking at you will allow the tears to escape. But I can not cry in front of you. "So take your gloves and get out; better get out while you can."
I did. I got out before I couldn't let you go at all. But part of my heart stayed behind with you. I'll never get that back; I don't want it back. It's yours now just like it always has been. It always will be. "When you go, would you even turn to say; 'I don't love you like I did yesterday'?" That line in particular clings to my heart and squeezes. Cutting into me like the sharp points on barbed wire. Those words which actually come from your mouth now. Direct and full of pain as your eyes leave me. You can not look at me when you sing that line and I'm grateful because I don't want to hear it again. Not directed to me at least.
"Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading. So sick and tired from all the needless beating." My eyes wander to you upon that verse and I see you cringe slightly. Your mind must be drifting back to the times when you hurt me. The times when my eyes didn't know a dry minute other than the times I passed out from over exhaustion. "So baby when they knock you down and out it's where you oughta stay." When the word 'baby' passes your lips, it's filled with pain and traces of hesitation. I do not know what you call her but I'm assuming it isn't 'baby'. That used to be what you would call me. 'Baby' or 'babe'. The tightness in my chest eases a little as you hesitate because it hints in the slightest that you would not use those words on anyone but me. That I really was meaningful, special perhaps, to you after all. "Well after all the blood that you still owe. Another dollar's just another blow."
I would beg you to stop. To stop drinking and doing drugs. To stop thinking about suicide because you're so much more valuable than you realize. You bring so much hope and courage to so many people. You're the superhero you so carefully draw and fantasize about; soon to become your own comic. But I've always seen you as a hero; a savior. You've helped so many people through the tough times in their lives and saved them from themselves. If only you could understand that you're worth too much to spend so carelessly on suicide. "So fix your eyes and get up; better get up while you can."
My hand momentarily leaves my guitar to brush against my eyes. Your heavenly voice circles my head, my heart; my soul. I can not hold the tears back anymore. So I cautiously turn away from you slightly as I wipe the salted water away. Not much escapes but enough to bring your gorgeous eyes back to me. "When you go, would you even turn to say, 'I don't love you like I did yesterday'? Well come on, come on." Your eyes are fixed on me now; they are not moving and I can feel them burning against my flesh. They are not angered but rather pained and pleading; looking for me to say the words to you as though it will bring you some ease of comfort. But I can never tell you that. I will never stop loving you; even though you've stop loving me.
Your mouth is shut now as the instruments play on and I focus on my guitar, not allowing my eyes to meet yours at all. I do not want you to see my eyes full of pain and sorrow. To see me holding onto you though you've already let me go. You've moved on but I simply can not. Everything I do is still for you. Each soft smile when you're upset and every friendly conversation when your mind needs to be cleared. That's all it is now; friendly. Best friends. Nothing more, nothing less. You'll always be more than that to me though. You'll always be my angel, my savior; my lover. Whatever I am to you doesn't matter much to me as long as you don't forget me. Please don't ever forget me and what we used to have.
"When you go, would you have to guts to say, 'I don't love you, like I loved you, yesterday'?" Your voice trembles slightly and it's almost as though the words can't pass your lips. But they do. They pass with the same pain in the eyes which are locked so tightly on me. Still I can not look. You let me go and I assured you that I understood. But I never will. I gave you everything I could; my heart, my soul, my love. You took them for awhile but in the end you gave them back. I just wasn't what you were looking for but you were exactly what I was searching for. Still, I respect your decision not to be with me but don't ever believe I'll understand it. I never will because you made me believe that we would be together forever. I guess it was just another lie.
"I don't love you, like I loved you, yesterday." The words are more confident and I know you're looking at me still. Your voice is still soft and pained. I will not look at you until I'm sure I will not cry. That may never happen. Every night, every time I think about you, I can not help but cry. It's my only means of trying to relieve myself of the pain. That will never happen though. As long as I can think about you, can see you, can hear your heavenly voice pass through your soft sweet lips, I will feel the pain.
"I don't love you, like I loved you;" Now your voice is almost nonexistent and I can not help but look. Your eyes meet mine and a single tear rolls down your smooth pale cheek as your lips part a tiny bit to finish the song I had to write. "Yesterday."