A new type of mage is awakening. is the world ready to accept this particular mage or are they too narrowminded to accept the changes?
- hi there,
sry i cant get farther than your prologue mostly because i find it rather hard to get into your writing style ...
i will try again later but want to state something about it first before i forget it
imo you repeat the word 'master' to often in the prologue... also stating hes unique and one of a kind is a repetition that just seems arkward to me... you seem to lack experience in writing stories ... which isnt bad, everybody starts somewhere but you should try to deversify your language without repeating the same idea again in the same sentence ...
another thing that really bugged me is this sentence 'Even my life is worthy of his happiness', imo you want to state that her life is less important to her than his happiness. but the sentence states that her life has the right to have his happiness in it, which is obviously something quite different.
all in all the story would be alot better without your repetitions in the same sentence and if you would use different words if you have to repeat ... eg. you write its an excerpt from hermiones diary ... and its obviously introducing her view of her master, so you dont need to write it again after stating its from her diary ;) ...
i dont mean to flame your writing with this review but hope to help improve it ;) practice makes perfect after all and constructive reviews helps too ;)
Author's responsei know, that's why i requested a beta so i could improve. i know i am a beginner and i need a lot of practice to be satisfied by my writings. English is not my first language so it was quite difficult, but i'm trying. thank you.
I will update this chapter at later date after few changes and hopefully improvements.
- Quite an interesting start and I'll be rather interested to see where it goes as Harry heals and grows into a better knowledge of exactly who and what he is; it seems that Albus is not going to be overjoyed when he starts being able to heal fully as who knows what else he may learn?
Author's responseYes I will come to that little later, now i'm working on the second chapter. This story will be about a manipulative Dumbledore, but not evil. I'm also thinking of a time skip and doing flashbacks to explain and hiding things until it is necessary. thank you for your wonderful reviews.