I looked into the mirror as I was applying the last of my make-up. I couldn’t help but notice the premature age lines that littered my face because of my past lifestyle. I’m so thankful I have that behind me and a lot of it is due to Gerard. When I first came back home I was nervous and scared because I wasn’t sure how he felt about me. That’s all in the past we love each other more now than ever. Another thing that is in the past is that kiss with Bob. I was grateful for the ear he lent and that’s all. I never told Gee because I felt it just wasn’t worth the pain it would cause.
Tonight was a milestone of sorts it’s the first time that I’ll be going to a bar since I became sober. I’m nervous and excited at the same time. Nervous because I don’t have enough confidence in myself to not take a drink and excited because it will be fun to do something normal.
The boys have been working so hard getting ready for their tour and we hardly get to see them anymore. So in a show of solidarity we girls decided on a night out. Christa was going to pick me up here and we would meet Mikey’s, Frank’s and Matt’s girlfriends at the club. Mikey’s girlfriend’s name was Alicia while Frank’s was Jamia and Matt’s was Rachel. I knew Alicia better than the other two as she and Mikey hung out a lot at Gerard’s and Ray’s.
I have to admit a girl’s night out for me is weird. Growing up I had no girlfriends all my friends were guys. Even on the streets we had a code of protecting each other but I would by any stretch call us friends. So having Christa a close friend like I said before is weird. I’ve never told anyone my deepest secrets except for Ray. He’s such a good friend.
I looked at the clock on the night stand and it read eight o’clock almost instantly I heard the doorbell ring. Christa is the opposite of Ray in that respect, she is always either on time or early. However Ray is always ten to fifteen minutes late, no matter what it is. Christa has embraced his world and accepted that when she’s with him, they’re gonna be late. However on her own she’s back to Miss Punctuality.
I grabbed my pocketbook, went downstairs and took a peak through the living room curtain just to make sure, this is after all still Jersey. After I confirmed it was actually Christa, I grabbed my coat off the coat rack and opened the door.
“Hey there, how’s it going?” she asks.
“Great I’m a little nervous this is the first time I’ve been to a club since I got sober.”
“Gerard and Ray made me promise to keep an eye out for you. If it gets to be too much, just say the word and we’ll leave.”
“You’re a good friend Christa. I’m so happy you and Ray are together.”
I couldn’t help but notice how her eyes lit up when I mentioned his name, and then she gushed, “Me too.”
We made out way to the car and got in, it was going to be a twenty minute ride to the place. The ride went quickly as we talked about the other girls. Not gossipy stuff just likes dislikes different experiences they had. Not ever anything too personal at least from me.
As we stood outside waiting for the rest of the party I looked at the board outside, playing was Truth Be Told, Anarchy and The Used. I wondered how we got these tickets but from what I hear Alicia and Jamia have a lot of inside contacts in the music business.
Five minutes later we hear the chatter of what sounded like three teenagers and sure enough it was Alicia, Jamia and Rachel. The first band had just taken the stage. It was total punk, which Gerard and I loved growing up. We were jumping around wildly having a good time I was really hot and really needed a cigarette. This was the first one of those I had in a while too. Gerard is making sure I do everything in order to keep my immune system up. Take today for instance he called in the middle of practice to make sure I was taking a nap before going out so I won’t wear myself out. Of course he woke me up to ask me that, but it was sweet.
I made my way outside and took out a new pack of Marlboro lights, tapped them against my palm right palm a couple of times before taking off the cellophane wrapping. I opened the pack, grabbed one, placed it between my lips as I looked for my lighter. I found it and lit it. I inhaled it feeling and waiting for that feeling of relief and calmness. After that first drag I took a look at my surroundings, which consisted of the dumpster and a parking lot. I went out the back door as it was the designated smoking area. Soon I was joined by guy with greasy brown hair. He seemed to be looking for someone. I saw that his eyes focused on a black jeep that seemed to be rocking a bit. The guy just shook his head and started laughing as he went back in the club. I myself couldn’t help but smile. I was watching the old saying in action at least the sex and rock and roll. Now my curiosity was getting to me I wondered who the couple was and couldn’t wait to show the girls who was having sex with whom in the back of a Jeep in the parking lot.
A few minutes later I got my answer. I watched in shock as the man got out. My heart sank as he turned around. I knew it was him, it was Bob. My Bob. I could feel the tears running down my face, but I couldn’t let him see me not like this. I thought I was over it, why did it fucking hurt so much seeing him like that. I was with Gerard and happy so why am I feeling this way when I have no right to?
I ran to the bathroom to wash my face, dry my eyes and compose myself. I couldn’t let anyone see me this way. Right now I just wanted to leave. But I knew I couldn’t.
After ten minutes I finally found the courage to go out in the crowd there I found the other girls dancing and having a good time.
“There you guys are!” I said like I was looking for them forever. I knew exactly where they were, but I needed some reason for being gone so long.
After awhile I decided screw Bob I was with Gerard and he was my soul mate. Why would I ever screw it up for someone like Bob Bryar. I felt better and started having a good time, until I spotted him going over to where the sound board was set up. She was hanging all over him and he all over her. I could feel my heart breaking all over again. I stood there and just watched the two of them. Every once in a while turning my attention back to the group and then my eyes went back to Bob. Alicia, Rachel, and Jamia made their way closer to the stage, while Christa made her way to the restroom. I knew this was my opportunity to make the pain go away. I watched a little longer at the couple and made my decision. I needed a drink.
It seemed to take forever for me to make it to the bar. And I waited for awhile for the bar tender to notice me. Finally he did, “What will it be miss?”
“Rum and coke, with 151 rum.”
I heard a voice behind me saying, “Make it just a coke. Better yet let’s get out of here.” It was Christa.
When we got out to the car I was pissed I really wanted that drink. I needed to forget, to feel better.
She turned to me “That was Bob wasn’t it?”
I nodded my head slowly, I hadn’t realized the whole time she’d been with Ray she had never met Bob.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I nodded my head yes again.
“Do you want to talk to Gerard or Ray?”
I shook my head no as the tears flowed. How could I tell Gerard that I think I might have feelings for Bob or even Ray for that matter?
“Do you want to go back to the house and talk about it?”
Again I shook my head no. I couldn’t take the chance of Gerard or even Ray overhearing what I was about to tell Christa.
“Want to go to the diner?”
“That sounds good.”
We got to the diner and there was only one booth left. It was the second to last booth against the right wall. There was a man too immersed in his paper to even care what we were talking about.
We ordered coffee and something to eat, nothing heavy.
“So tell me what’s with you and Bob.”
I told her how we met the first day of high school and he asked me out later that day not knowing I was with Gerard. He had also made another friend that day Patrick. I explained how Patrick and Gerard were best friends growing up but their paths sort of changed while in eighth grade. We chose the life of alcohol and drugs while Pat chose the straight and narrow, it was a perfect fit for Bob. I told her how I tutored Bob that year and never told anyone because I knew Gerard would have a fit. He seemed like a pretty decent kid. Patrick was killed later that year protecting Bob. I told her how Bob found out later it was his father that killed Patrick, Ray and I are the only ones who knows. I told her how we harassed Bob endlessly in school. How we got deeper and deeper into our drug abuse especially me and Gerard. I hung my head in shame as I told her how I tricked Bob into having sex with me which led to my daughter who’s name is Emily. Only Ray and Gerard and now Christa know about Emily.
I heard the soft ruffle of the paper turning the page and continued my story. How I was sent away to have my baby and she was taken away from me. I never had a choice in the matter. I told her of my life on the streets and how I was rescued. Then I told her of my kiss with Bob while Gerard was standing in the next room.
“I thought I was over it, but I guess I was wrong. I was upset tonight because I wish it was me he was making love to, me he was all over. I feel like a total bitch for having feelings for someone, all the while I know that I love Gerard. Is it possible? Or am I fooling myself believing I love Gerard when I don’t?”
“I believe that you can have those feelings, as long as you don’t act on them.”
“Should I tell Gerard?”
“Gerard is such a sensitive soul. I think it would devastate him.”
“That’s what I thought. I need to forget my feelings for Bob or else I’ll lose Gerard and that can’t happen again.
I heard their voices as they spoke of all their secrets. I knew she was no good for Gerard. I knew it back then and I know it now. The question is do I go running to Gerard now or wait? I think I’ll see how it unfolds and if Gee doesn’t catch on. I’ll give him a little push. I’m a patient man. I want to destroy her like she did to me all those years ago.