Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy

I'm Not The Way You Think I Am

by iamthelolrus 7 Reviews

Pete gets high and takes a discussion in English class to mean he needs to date a guy that's his opposite. This guy happens to be Patrick Stump. Slash. AU. Peterick.

Category: Fall Out Boy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Characters:  - Warnings: [?] - Published: 2009/03/19 - Updated: 2009/03/19 - 8846 words - Complete

At high school there are always the typical cliques. Decaydance High was no exception. There were the preps, the jocks, the emo kids, the nerds, the drama kids. But most importantly there were those popular kids that as far as everybody could tell were only popular because they slept with everybody and partied a lot.

Pete Wentz was one of these kids.

He didn’t show up for school much, he usually skipped class when he did, and if he managed to show up, there was a good chance he was high. That day in English, he was there, but he was definitely high.

“All right, now that we’ve read Romeo and Juliet, which has one of the most overused cliches in romance novels ever, we’re going to discuss some of the other cliches of romance novels and movies and the like. What are some common cliches you guys have noticed?” the teacher said.
Pete didn’t like romance novels. He never had any romance. Whenever he tried to have a boyfriend, they turned out to be douchebags. It was better to just ignore that entirely and sleep with people without the relationship. It solved a lot of problems. This way there was a limited time frame for the guys to be assholes.

“The overly weak female and the overly strong male,” one of the girls in the class said.
Pete definitely needed to find somebody weaker and girlier than him. That was probably part of the problem. All the guys he dated were usually muscular and such. But they probably treated Pete so bad because he was the girl in the relationship. Although, he probably couldn’t find anybody girlier than him. Weaker, then...

“I don’t know, like that whole opposites attract thing,” one of the guys in class said.
Well, if he dated somebody who was the opposite of him, that could be good. Pete was kind of a douche. If he dated the opposite, he wouldn’t date a jerk. Pete was pretty sure he himself was a pretty bad boyfriend. So he needed to find somebody the opposite of him. Somebody who was nice and quiet and not slutty. Somebody who was kind of geeky. Somebody who actually showed up to class and didn’t do drugs and was a good kid.

Actually, that sounded perfect.

Who said that, again?

Pete looked over to the kid who had spoken, which was apparently Frank Iero, the weird emo kid who was obsessed with Halloween. Frank Iero was his hero. Frank Iero had just given him the greatest idea ever.

Pete jumped up out of his seat and exclaimed, “Frank Iero, you are a genius. You have just changed my life!” He then proceeded to kiss him, hard, and then walk out of the room cheerfully.
The rest of the class just stared at Frank and at the door that Pete had just walked out of.
“That kid really should stop getting high so much, god,” Frank said, but he didn’t look like he had minded that much.


At lunch, Pete sat down at the table and told his friends about his great idea. Pete’s friends were Travis McCoy, the only person Pete ever hung out with that liked girls, Gabe Saporta, who was in some sort of snake cult, and Vicky-T, who Pete was pretty sure only was friends with them because she had been friends with Gabe since they were five.

“Guys, guys. I have a brilliant idea! You know how all the guys I’ve dated have been assholes?” Pete said.

“Uh, yeah,” Vicky-T said.

“I need to date somebody who is the opposite of me! Like, the whole opposites attract thing? Because I’m an asshole! So if I date the opposite, he won’t be!” Pete exclaimed cheerfully.

“The Cobra thinks that’s a good idea,” Gabe said, which was his way of agreeing. “But what’s the opposite of you?”

“Like, I don’t know. Quiet. Shy. Smart. Actually goes to class and gets good grades and is like a good kid. Doesn’t like party or do drugs or anything,” Pete said.

“Okay, so you want a nerdy guy? How about, like, I don’t know...Ryan Ross?” Travis asked.

“No. He’s like, really mean. Bitchy,” Pete said. “Plus he always writes really depressing poetry. He read it to the class once. It was so weird.”

”How about, uh, Spencer Smith?” Gabe asked.

”I think he would kill me. Guys, seriously,” Pete said, when the rest of them started to crack up, “He’s fucking scary.”

“Yeah,” Gabe said, still laughing. “How about William Beckett?”

“Just cause you want to sleep with him doesn’t mean he’s a good match,” Pete pointed out. “He’s too tall. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even talk. I swear, he’s like mute or something. All he ever does is read books.”

“You do want a nerd, Petey, remember?” Travis reminded him. “But yeah. He is too tall for you, you fucking midget.”

Pete pouted. “Come on, guys. We need to figure this out!”

“How about Patrick Stump?” Vicky-T finally offered.

“Who the hell is Patrick Stump?” Travis asked, giving her a weird look.

“That chubby blonde kid who always sits with those guys,” Vicky-T said. “You know. He always wears those stupid hats.”

Gabe, Travis, and Pete all looked over at the table to see who she was talking about. There was in fact a chubby blonde guy with a stupid hat sitting at the nerd table.

“He looks short enough,” Travis said.

“He isn’t reading at lunch. That’s always a good sign,” Gabe said.

”He even dresses bad like you. If you have to date some nerd kid, he’s probably your best shot,” Vicky-T agreed.

“Dude, he’s in our school? How did I not see him before? He’s perfect! He’s so cute!” Pete exclaimed, and immediately got up and walked over to the nerd table. He sat down right next to Patrick, who was sitting next to William. Ryan and Spencer were on the other side of the table.
As soon as Pete sat down, everybody at the table started at him.

“Um, Wentz? Wrong table,” Ryan said.

“Nuh uh! I need to sit here!” Pete said.

“Why?” Spencer asked, raising his eyebrow.

“I need to date Patrick,” Pete said matter-of-factly.

Patrick turned bright red. “Wh-what?” he asked.

“I need to date you,” Pete said. “You’re really cute! We need to be boyfriends.”

“Lay off the drugs, Wentz. You can’t date Patrick. You don’t deserve somebody as good as him,” Spencer said. “Besides, what the hell got the idea in your head?”

“Frank Iero,” Pete said. “English class. Opposites attract. Patrick would be a good boyfriend.”

“So that’s why you kissed Frankie in English class today,” Ryan said, laughing. “Oh my god, Wentz. You are fucking insane.”

“Patrick would be an excellent boyfriend. He just won’t be for you,” Spencer said. “Go away.”
“But, no. No, I need to...” Pete said.

Spencer glared at him. “Wentz. Leave Patrick alone. Really,” he said.

“But!” Pete said, and then he turned to Patrick. “Come on, ‘Trick! We need to be boyfriends. I think you’re cute. I’m sure you think I’m cute. Come on. Let’s go out!”

Patrick shook his head. “No. I’m not interested, Wentz.”

“’Trick?” Ryan asked, giggling. “Besides, Wentz, what makes you think he thinks you’re cute?”

“Duh,” Pete said, but he was sad now. “But Patrick...”

This time Spencer really, really glared at him, and it was scary. “Wentz. Leave him alone.”

Pete left.


He went back to his table.

“Well, what happened?” Travis asked.

“Spencer Smith is scary,” Pete explained.

“Oh,” Gabe said. “That sucks. But was Patrick or whatever interested at all?”

Pete shook his head. “He said he wasn’t,” he said, pouting. “Guys, what am I going to do? Patrick doesn’t like me!” He started sniffling.

“Dude, dude, chill out. I’m sure he does, he was just being stubborn. He’s your opposite, you know, he’s probably just playing hard to get,” Travis said.

”Yeah, not everybody can be as easy as you,” Gabe said with a laugh.

Pete thought about it. It made sense. “Okay. But what do I do? I need to make ‘Trick admit he likes me and do this while dealing with scary Spencer Smith.”

Everybody was silent while they thought about it, although Vicky-T looked like she was rolling her eyes instead of thinking.

Finally, Gabe said, “I know what you need to do.”

“What?” Pete asked, skeptically, because Gabe was not known for being the smart one of the group.

“You need to channel the power of the Cobra,” he said mystically.


The next day Pete showed up for lunch wearing a Cobra t-shirt, Cobra jewelry, and even Cobra sneakers. (All compliments of Gabe. There were pants, too, but Pete was way too short.) He walked into the cafeteria and walked right over and sat down next to Patrick.
Yet again, the entire table stared at him.

“What’s up with all the snakes?” Spencer asked, giving him a weird look.

“Gabe said I needed to channel the power of the Cobra. To bring me good luck,” Pete explained.

”What do you need good luck for?” Ryan asked.

“I need to go out with Patrick,” Pete said. “It’s like I said yesterday...”

“Well, it’s still like I said yesterday,” Spencer interrupted. “Leave him alone.”

Patrick just sat there blushing.

Just then Gabe came over, sitting down next to Pete. “So, dude. Is the Cobra helping?”

“No,” Pete said with a pout.

“Maybe you aren’t doing it right. You gotta open yourself to the Cobra, man,” Gabe said.

“Are you high?” Spencer demanded.

“What? No, dude. I’m just talking about the Cobra!” Gabe said. “The Cobra helps us out, man.”

Ryan gave him a weird look. Spencer snorted and said, “You’re high.”

“Actually, some tribes used to worship cobras. They’re amazing animals,” William said, out of nowhere.

“Yes, man, exactly!” Gabe exclaimed. “Thank you, uh...William, right?”

“Yeah,” William said with a smile.

“Wait, wait,” Gabe said. “William Beckett? I didn’t think you, like, talked.”

“I’m not mute or anything. Just quiet,” William said.

“Yeah. And apparently you know the Cobra,” Gabe said, sounding awed.

“No,” William protested. “I was just saying...”

“He just watches too much Discovery Channel,” Spencer said.

“No, I can tell, you definitely know the Cobra,” Gabe said, standing up and pushing Patrick down the bench so he could sit next to William. “Fangs up!” Gabe said, showing the sign.

“Is that some kind of snake gang sign?” Ryan asked.

“It’s the Cobra’s sign,” Gabe said.

“Either you’re high or in a cult,” Patrick decided, glaring at him. Apparently he didn’t like getting shoved into Pete.

“Probably both,” Spencer said.

“You do know the Cobra, right?” Gabe asked William. “Come on. I know you do.”

William sighed and then returned the fangs up sign. The rest of the table stared at him.

“It’s on Livejournal. I wasn’t taking it seriously or anything, it’s just some sort of like meditation thing,” William explained, blushing.

“But then you discovered the Cobra, for real. And you know,” Gabe said.

“I really just went on because my flist kept suggesting it,” William said. “I mean, I”m not like, crazy like Saporta or anything.”

”I can’t believe you’re on of us too!” Gabe exclaimed happily. Then he looked at William thoughtfully. “Where’s your Cobra?”

William sighed and held up his pinky finger, which had a ring with a Cobra on it.

“I’m in love with you,” Gabe decided, and right then, pulled William onto him and started kissing him. William, surprised, made the mistake of opening his mouth and soon Gabe was completely making out with him. William tried to pull away at first but apparently realized this was useless because he gave in.

“Can’t you stop him?” Spencer asked Pete.

“Dude, he just met somebody who ‘gets the Cobra’ or whatever. There is no way to stop him now,” Pete said.

“So does this mean William’s in a cult?” Patrick asked.

“How does he find shit like that on LJ?” Ryan asked. “I have never found ANYTHING that weird and I’m the one who’s actually, like, a hippie.”

“That’s because you’re too busy posting pics of yourself in skinny jeans and stalking scene girls,” Spencer pointed out.

“Well, it’s a cult about discovering the cobra in yourself, and the world, and harnessing it. Mostly it’s like a good luck charm. It could be worse,” Pete said.

“He’s worshiping a cobra. A fricking SNAKE. How could it be worse?” Patrick demanded.

“Well, at least we know cobras are real. That’s more than you can say for most religions,” Ryan said.

“Don’t mind him, he’s just pissy because his latest boy crush is Mormon and therefore off-limits,” Spencer explained.

Gabe, who apparently had been listening while making out, pulled away from William and asked Pete, “Isn’t that Brendon kid you make out with like a week ago a Mormon?” Then he returned to kissing William like nothing had happened.

Ryan turned bright red.

“Well, sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s gay. You should ask him out. He seems nice,” Pete said.

“Saporta, get your tongue out of that poor, innocent boy’s mouth! My God, making out with him just because he’s mute and can’t scream for help!” a teacher suddenly exclaimed, running over and pulling Gabe and William apart. Then she noticed Pete. “And Wentz! What are you doing over here? Why are you two so insistent on corrupting everybody at this school?”

“But William’s not mute! And he knows the Cobra,” Gabe protested.

“I need to date Patrick. You should understand. It was your discussion in English that gave me the idea!” Pete explained.

Patrick and Spencer glared at the teacher.

She looked apologetic but said, “Look, you can’t blame me! I swear, I didn’t even know he listened!” Then, after a pause, she continued. “Anyway, Wentz, go back to your regular table. Saporta, go to the office for PDA. Probably also sexual harassment, actually.”

Pete sighed, hugged Patrick, and then returned to his table.

”It wasn’t sexual harassment! The Cobra told me he wanted it!” Gabe argued.

“Unless he told you, it’s sexual harassment. The ‘Cobra’ doesn’t count,” she said, even using air quotes. “Do you want me to turn him in for sexual harassment, William?” she asked.

“No, it’s okay,” he said.

”Huh, guess you really aren’t mute,” she said. “Come on, Saporta!” Gabe got up and followed her to the office, pouting.


The next day at lunch Pete sat down at his usual table. The first thing he noticed was that Gabe wasn’t there. “Where’s Gabe?” he asked.

“Sitting with his ‘amazing new boyfriend who understands the Cobra,’ apparently,” Travis said.

”Boyfriend? Is he actually dating him or just saying it?” Pete asked, surprised.

”Actually dating him, apparently. I guess they talked on livejournal last night for hours about the wonders of the cobra and Beckett agreed to date him,” Vicky-T explained.
Pete looked over at the nerd table. Gabe was, in fact, sitting there next to William, and they were definitely talking, probably even flirting, and when Pete looked a little closer he saw they were holding hands. “Aw that’s so cute!” he squealed, before he even meant to.

Vicky-T just raised her eyebrow. “Yeah, I guess, besides the fact they are both in that bizarre cobra cult,” she said. “Besides, William is weird.”

“So he’s probably the only person who could ever date Gabe, right?” Travis said. “Normal people would not want somebody like him.”

Pete was happy for a minute about Gabe but then he remembered the problem he had. “Hey! I still need to date Patrick!”

“Yeah, we noticed the cobra’s magic only seemed to work for Gabe,” Travis said.
”What should I do?” Pete asked.

“Give up and move on?” Vicky-T suggested.

Pete pouted at her.

”Buy him chocolate. Everybody likes chocolate,” Travis said. “By the looks of him, maybe he does a little more than others.”

“Like you’re one to talk!” Vicky-T said, rolling her eyes.

“Okay. So I need to go buy chocolate tonight,” Pete said.


The next day Pete went to lunch with a box of chocolates that was shaped like a cobra. Pete had made Gabe come with him to help, since Gabe was having so much luck in the love department, and Gabe insisted it would bring him good luck.

“It’s the Cobra that brought William and I together,” Gabe reminded him. “It will probably be the same for you and Patrick.”

“Sure,” Pete agreed sarcastically, rolling his eyes, but he bought those chocolates anyway.

So there he was at lunch with the chocolates. He sat down next to Patrick, who was sitting next to Gabe and William. “Hi Patrick!” Pete said, smiling at him.

Patrick glared. Spencer glared. Ryan seemed to be staring at the Mormon kid from across the cafeteria. At least nobody looked surprised.

“Pete! Finally, I was thinking you got lost on the way to lunch, man!” Gabe said.

“Thanks a lot for somehow causing Gabe to be permanently attached to William,” Spencer said. “We’ve been stuck listening to the wonders of the Cobra for two days now.”

“I’ve had to listen to it for a year. You can deal,” Pete said.

“Guys, seriously. Just let it go. Obviously, you aren’t going to get the Cobra, but we do,” William said.

“You are not William. William knows that worshiping snakes is a bad idea,” Patrick said. “William is not a Slytherin.”

Pete kind of realized Patrick was a nerd for the first time ever, but it was okay, because Pete liked Harry Potter.

“Slytherins don’t worship the right kind of snake. That’s why Voldemort loses. He needed a Cobra,” Gabe said. “But not that the Cobra would’ve helped him. The Cobra is good.”

“Slytherins aren’t all evil!” William said. “They’re just sneaky.”

“Yeah. Like, Snape. Snape is a good Slytherin,” Pete said. “Snape is a fucking badass Slytherin.”

“I think Snape’s my favourite character,” William agreed. “Snape is fucking badass.”

“I like Bill Weasley. He’s badass,” Gabe said. “He has long hair. That’s hot.” Gabe looked at William while he spoke. William blushed.

“I like Hermione because she’s smart and confident but not totally lame,” Ryan said.

”Yeah, she’s a bitchy smart chick, just like you,” Patrick said.

”Fuck off,” Ryan said.

“Are we seriously discussing Harry Potter with the druggies, guys?” Spencer asked. “Seriously?”

Patrick snorted. “Wow. I’m sure they’ve only, like, ever seen the movies.”

“I read all the books they day they came out!” Pete argued.

“I made Vicky-T tell me everything that happened in the books the day they came out and then read them for myself later!” Gabe said.

“This is ridiculous,” Spencer said. “Why do you guys have to invade our table?”

“Cause William knows the Cobra,” Gabe said. “And he’s cute!”

William blushed.

”Because I need to date Patrick!” Pete said. “Oh, which reminds me,” he said, pulling out the chocolate from his (very manly) messenger bag. “This is for you, Patrick!”

“What?” Patrick asked, staring at him.

”For you! Chocolate!” Pete said, giving it to him. Patrick took it reluctantly, but he was smiling a little bit.

“Um, thanks, I guess. I can’t really eat it, though,” Patrick said.

”Why not?” Pete asked, confused.

“I eat all those I’m going to gain like a million fucking pounds,” Patrick explained. “I’m on a diet.”

“But...but...” Pete said, disappointed. He pouted. “It doesn’t look like that stopped you before!”

He realized what he had said the second it left his mouth. The rest of the table stared at him, a mix between angry and horrified.

“Wentz, get the fuck away from our table right now,” Spencer said.

“Oh my god. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it...” Pete tried to say, but Patrick just glared at him before pointedly looking away.

Spencer stood up. “Wentz. Now. Or I swear...”

He didn’t get the chance to finish. Pete left the table.


Pete walked back over to his usual table. He sat down and just stared into space.

“Dude, what’s wrong?” Travis asked. Pete didn’t say anything.

Gabe came over a second later. “Pete. What the hell, man?” he demanded.

“I just ruined my life. Oh my god. I just fucked up my life,” Pete said.

“What did he do?” Vicky-T asked Gabe worriedly.

”He called Patrick fat!” Gabe said.

”He didn’t!” Travis said.

“I did,” Pete said glumly. “Oh my god. Why the hell does anybody even let me talk?”

“Honey. What on earth made you say something like that to him?” Vicky-T asked.

“I’m just a dumbass,” Pete said.

Travis snorted. “Obviously!”

Pete sighed. “And Gabe! Your fucking Cobra! He isn’t helping me out any! Why does everything work out for you and not me?” he demanded.

“You need to really believe in the Cobra for him to help you, Petey,” Gabe said. “And obviously, you don’t.”

Pete just frowned more. “Vicky-T. What do I do? Seriously. I really like Patrick.”

”Why?” Vicky-T asked. “Why do you like him so much?”

“Because he’s cute and quiet and dorky but he’s funny and he likes Harry Potter and I think he’d be a perfect boyfriend,” Pete said.

Vicky-T looked thoughtful. “Okay. Okay, I’ll tell you what you have to do, but you probably won’t like it.”

”What?” Pete asked.

”You need to go talk to him, alone, without any of his friends or your friends. You need to apologize for being a dumbass and explain to him you really like him and you’re just socially retarded. Then tell him you’re willing to do anything to go out with him and hope for the best,” Vicky-T said. “That is, considering he even lets you talk to him in the first place...”

Pete sighed. “This is hopeless,” He said. “But thanks, Vicky-T. I’ll try.”

Vicky-T smiled. “You’ll be okay, kiddo.”

“Yeah,” Pete said doubtfully. Then he turned to Gabe. “So Gabe...”

“What?” Gabe asked, suspiciously.

“How exactly does this Cobra thing work? I’m going to need all the luck I can get,” Pete said.

Gabe grinned. “Sweet!”


The next day Pete waited at Patrick’s locker at the end of the day. He was wearing a Cobra necklace that Gabe had given him after he had spent the whole night telling him about the Cobra, but at least Pete was pretty confident that the Cobra would help him out in this situation now. Plus, he’d gotten Gabe to ask William where Patrick’s locker was, so it all worked out in the end.

Patrick finally came to his locker about five minutes after the bell rang and the hallway was pretty much empty except for a few kids wandering there way through. Patrick looked wary when he saw Pete but obviously had no choice but to go to his locker anyway.

“Did you join the snake cult too?” Patrick asked when he got to his locker, pointing at Pete’s necklace.

“Sort of. It’s not really a cult, though, you know...” Pete said.

“It’s a group of people who wear cobra stuff and worship a giant cobra. I think it’s a cult,” Patrick pointed out, opening his locker as he spoke.

“It’s more like a hypothetical Cobra...” Pete started to explain but the he stopped himself. “But never mind. That’s not what I’m here to talk about.”

“What are you here to talk about?” Patrick asked, throwing his books in his locker. He grabbed a hat from the coat hanger and put it on before shutting his locker and turning to glare at Pete. “You going to call me fat again?”

“No! Look, ‘Trick,” Pete started.

“Don’t call me that,” Patrick said.

“Patrick,” Pete corrected. “Look. I know I was an asshole. I have no real excuse for why I said that, I really don’t, besides maybe the fact that I’m apparently completely socially retarded. But I am really sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m so, so sorry. Please forgive me.” He was pretty much begging by the end.

Patrick just rolled his eyes. “Okay, whatever. I forgive you. Is that all?”

Pete shook his head. “No. I just wanted to say that I really like you. I think you’re the greatest guy ever and I would love to go out with you. I know you don’t like me, but I’d appreciate it if you’d at least give me a chance to prove myself to you. I would do anything to go out with you, Patrick, I really would. Anything!”

Patrick actually looked like he was considering. Then, he sighed and said, “Okay, look, I’ll go out on one date with you if you don’t like drink or do drugs or anything until then. And you have to actually go to class and stuff. Okay?”

Pete nodded. “Of course! Sure! When will the date be?”

“Um, how about Friday?” Patrick suggested.

“Okay!” Pete said excitedly.

Patrick rolled his eyes but it looked like he was smiling a little.


Pete was true to his words. He went the entire work without avoiding all drugs and alcohol, even though this meant missing out on that weird Joe Trohman kid’s massive “get wasted” party he held every year when his parents went on an anniversary vacation. He even went to all his classes and actually did his homework.

So when it reached Friday, Pete went to Patrick’s table and cheerfully reminded him, “Hey Patrick we have a date tonight!”

“I know,” Patrick said glumly.

“Why did you agree to this?” Ryan asked him. “If you’re just going to mope.”

“I thought maybe if he was sobered up he would come to his senses, change his mind, and leave me alone,” Patrick said.

Pete laughed. “I’ll always like you, ‘Trick!” This did not cheer Patrick up any.

“So where are you two having this date?” Spencer asked suspiciously.

“Yeah. Where are we going?” Patrick asked.

“Uh,” Pete said. “I have no idea.”

“Well you can pick. I don’t care,” Patrick said. “But I won’t, like, do anything illegal or anything, and we’re not having sex. And I need to be home by eleven.”

“Don’t take him anywhere you shouldn’t or I swear to God I will kill you on Monday,” Spencer warned. Pete tried not to run away and actually succeeded, which was surprisingly, because Spencer Smith was scary.

“What time are you picking me up tonight?” Patrick asked.

”Uh, we could just go someplace right after school,” Pete suggested. “And have more time to hang out.”

“Whatever,” Patrick said. “Just make sure you know where we’re going before the end of the day. I don’t want to end up spending hours staring into space because you couldn’t think of anything.”


After lunch, Pete followed Gabe to his locker. William, of course, was with him, but William seemed to be a neutral party and wasn’t scary like Spencer, so Pete figured it was okay.

”Gabe! I need help! I never figured out where to go on my date with Patrick,” Pete said.
Gabe laughed. “You really are socially retarded, aren’t you?”

“Gabe!” Pete said, pouting.

“Well, you need should probably go someplace with a big Cobra influence, cause you need all the luck you can get,” Gabe said.

“Yeah, probably, but where can you go on a date and be with Cobras?” William asked.

Gabe winked at him and said, “I can show you tonight, baby!”

William rolled his eyes. “Don’t say it,” he warned.

”I can show you the Cobra in my pants!” Gabe said, laughing.

“Oh my god. Why am I dating you?” William asked, turning bright red.

“Because you can’t resist me and my giant Cobra,” Gabe said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Stop talking about your fucking ‘cobra’ and help me out!” Pete said.

Gabe pouted. “Fine, jerk. I don’t know. There’s like this nightclub that’s called the King Cobra or something...”

“I can’t take him to a nightclub! He said nothing illegal,” Pete said.

“Oh. I don’t know. Maybe you could watch a movie with Cobras in it?” Gabe suggested.

”Go to the zoo. I’m sure they have Cobras there, and I think Patrick would find it cute,” William suggested. “Just don’t make to big a deal about the Cobras, or he’ll get pissy.”

“I love you William Beckett!” Pete said, giving him a quick kiss before racing off.


Pete was waiting nervously at Patrick’s locker. School didn’t end for another five minutes but Pete was too impatient and had ran out of his last class early.

There were still a few minutes to go when Patrick showed up. “I’m pretty that you’re technically skipping class and I could totally call off the date now,” he said, walking over to his locker.

Pete’s face fell. Patrick laughed. “Dude, chill. I was just kidding.”

“Oh,” Pete said, pouting. “Jerk.”

Patrick just smirked and opened up his locker. “So where are we going for our date?” he asked.

“The zoo,” Pete said.

“The zoo?” Patrick repeated, dropping his books into his locker. He grabbed a hat, different from the one he had had before and put it on before shutting his locker and turning to Pete.

”Yeah. I mean, as long as it’s cool with you. It is, right?” Pete asked nervously. “Cause we can go someplace else if you want to.

“No, it’s fine,” Patrick said. “I like the zoo.” He glanced at his watch and then asked, “So do you want to leave now before the crazy stampede of high schoolers is set loose?”

“Yeah, let’s go!” Pete said cheerfully, dragging Patrick out of the school and to his car. Patrick looked slightly freaked out but went with him without complaint. They got in the car and Pete started it up and pulled out of the school parking lot towards the zoo.

“I’m not sure if I should trust you to drive,” Patrick said.

“I’m only socially retarded. I can drive,” Pete said.

Patrick laughed. “Yeah, sure,” he said sarcastically, but the added thoughtfully, “It’s just you act like such a little kid sometimes I forget you’re older than me.”

“I’m going to pretend like that’s a good thing,” Pete decided.

Patrick smiled. “Hey, it might be.”

They sat in silence until they got to the zoo, but it wasn’t really awkward. When they got there, Pete pretty much ran to the front gate while Patrick just followed behind much slower, rolling his eyes but with a smile on his face.

After they paid to get in, Pete immediately dragged Patrick over to the monkey section.
“Monkeys? Seriously? What the hell?” Patrick asked incredulously as Pete read about the monkeys on the little information signs.

“Monkeys are cool! Besides, sometimes you get to watch them throw poop at each other!” Pete said.

“That’s just gross,” Patrick said, cringing as one of the monkeys did, in fact, throw shit at one of the other monkeys.

“And look at that climbing stuff they’re doing! Freaking flying through the air! It’s amazing!” Pete said.

“Dude, you must like monkeys because they have the same intelligence level as you!” Patrick decided. “And you kind of look like one!”

“Do not!” Pete said, pouting at him.

“Yeah, you totally have a monkey face!” Patrick said laughing.

Pete just pouted and read the monkey sign more.

After a while, Patrick got bored. With a sigh, he asked, “Can we go look at the wolves or something now?”

“Oh my god, wolves are fricking sweet!” Pete said, dragging Patrick out of the monkey section and to the wolf section.

Patrick just sighed. This was going to be a long date...


Pete ended up dragging him around the zoo for a couple of hours before Patrick insisted they take a break to eat. Pete got distracted on the way to the food court by a gift shop, where he bought Patrick a little stuffed wolf and a Cobra poster for Gabe, but they finally ended up eating. After that, they wandered through the rest of the zoo at a slower pace.
“Hey, we’re at the snake place, do you want to go in here?” Patrick asked.

“Sure!” Pete said, as cheerfully as he had been in the beginning, even though he was starting to get tired out.

Patrick raised an eyebrow. “Would it have something to do with the Cobras being here?” he asked.

Pete pouted. “I’m not in a cult...”

“Yeah, you just like big snakes. Whatever,” Patrick said, rolling his eyes and going into the snake section.

Pete had to fight very hard to keep from busting into laughter as he remembered Gabe’s big snake comments to William earlier that day. Pete thought he heard somebody else too, but figured he must have imagined it and just followed Patrick into the snake building.

“Huh, cobras are actually kind of cool,” Patrick said, looking at the king cobras. “I can almost see why people would have a cult for them.”

“It’s not a cult,” Pete reminded him, staring at the cobras too. “Fricking sweet snakes of awesome.”

Patrick laughed. “You are weird,” he said, but he was a smiling a lot, and then he was like, “Whoa, look at these awesome snakes over here!”

They went around the rest of the snake building and were about the leave when suddenly there was a loud crashing sound from where the cobras were.

”Oh my god, the glass fell in! The cobras are going to kill us all!” some random girl screamed, running out of the building. Pete and Patrick went over to look.

The glass had fallen in and was laying in the center of the cobra area, along with what looked suspiciously like Gabe Saporta.

“Gabe!” Pete yelled.

He looked up. “Whoa, fucking crazy! The glass fell in! I’m in the middle of the Cobra pit!” he yelled. He made the fangs up sign at the Cobras. “What is up my homie Cobras?”

“He’s crazy,” Patrick said. “Does he realize those snakes will definitely try and kill him?”

“No, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t,” Pete said. Suddenly Gabe froze and Pete realized one of the snakes was getting poised to attacked.

”Fuck,” Gabe realized, his common sense finally kicking into gear.

“I swear,” Pete said. “That idiot!” He ran over and jumped into the snake pit, pulling Gabe out of the way just before the cobra striked. Then he pushed Gabe out of the snake pit and came out after him.

Quickly, a zoo employee ran over. “What happened?” she demanded.

"I was just leaning on the Cobra glass talking to them and suddenly it just fell in,” Gabe said.

”You were...talking to them?” she asked, giving him a weird look.

”Yeah, he’s a parseltongue,” Pete said, laughing.

“I worship the Cobra,” Gabe explained.

”Are you hurt at all? Did the snake bite you or did you hit your head or something?” she asked worriedly.

“No, he’s fine,” Pete said. “He’s always this weird.”

The woman nodded and decided it was more important to go help secure the snakes and clean the glass, so she left.

Patrick came over. “What the fuck, Saporta?” he demanded. “Are you retarded?”

Then Pete thought of something. “Gabe,” he said slowly. “What are you doing here?”

Gabe looked guilty. “So I was maybe sorta stalking you guys the make sure the date went okay. You seem pretty useless harnessing the power of the Cobra. I thought I could be a good influence,” he said.

“You don’t take any of this cobra shit seriously, do you, Pete?” Patrick demanded.

“Well, not really...it’s more like a good luck charm,” Pete tried to explain without making Patrick mad or turning the Cobra against him.

“He definitely believes in the Cobra!” Gabe argued.

“Well, I was hoping that getting you sober would bring a little common sense into your brain, but apparently not. A snake cult? Seriously? Like, it’s one thing as a joke, but to actually belong to it? What the hell, Wentz?” Patrick demanded.

”It’s not really like that,” Pete protested.

“What is it like?” Patrick asked.

“The Cobra brings people luck! Your complete lack of faith in the Cobra is probably why Pete can’t get any of the Cobra’s magic to work for him!” Gabe said.

“I am sorry to break it to you too, but this is the real world. Not Harry Potter, not Narnia, not a video game. There is no such thing as magic cobras!” Patrick said.

“There is too!” Gabe argued.

“Look, I don’t really have time for this. I’m not even sure why I bothered agreeing to go to a date with you anyway, Wentz. Obviously you are never going to change from being a complete dumbass,” Patrick said. “Following a snake cult, having half-retarded friends who will never be able to function in normal society, being so fucking high all the time that you don’t even know what’s real and what isn’t!”

“It’s not drugs, it’s the power of Cobra, asshole!” Gabe said. “You just need to open yourself to the...”

”Shut up Gabe!” Pete screamed. “Oh my god, this was maybe going to go all right before you decided to fuck it over! Will you shut the hell up with your goddamn cobra? None of us believe it except you and William, and you know that kid probably has some pretty severe mental disorders, right? So stop fucking taking acid and talking to those hallucination cobras that apparently send you all these secret messages and get a goddamn life!”

Gabe just stared at him, mouth open. Then his eyes started to water and he said, “Oh. I see.” He sniffled a little. “I’m not high, Pete. I know the Cobra isn’t real. It’s just sometimes you need something to believe in.” Tears started running down his face. “I just wanted you to and Patrick to be happy like William and I. I’m sorry I screwed it up. And William doesn’t have any mental illnesses, he’s just shy!” He started sobbing and then stormed away.

Pete felt like an asshole.

“He kind of needed the reality check,” Patrick said. Pete figured it was an attempt to make him feel better, but it didn’t work. Patrick didn’t like Gabe, so of course Patrick would think it was okay to be an asshole to Gabe. Pete did not think the same.

“So I guess this means the date was fail?” Pete asked.

”Yeah,” Patrick said with a sympathetic smile. “Look, sweetie, it just never would’ve worked out between us. We’re too different. We aren’t headed anywhere in the same direction. We would just fight all the time and it would never last.”

“Yeah,” Pete agreed, but he didn’t even agree.

”I guess you should probably take me home now,” Patrick suggested, sounding sad. “I am sorry, Pete. You are a nicer kid than I ever gave you credit for.”

”Thanks, I guess,” Pete said. They walked to the car in silence and sat for most of the car ride in silence, and it was an awkward silence. So Pete needed to do something to make noise, because this was driving him nuts, so he turned his car CD player on and hoped that there was something decent in there instead of Travis’s weird rap albums or Gabe’s electronica shit.

It turned out to be David Bowie, which could definitely have been worse, but it could’ve been better because maybe having some badass punk rock would change Patrick’s mind. Then again, it was Patrick. He probably didn’t even like punk rock. It could’ve been the Beatles! Everybody likes the Beatles but at the same time they make you look kind of elitist. At least Bowie was an amazing musician, though.

As soon as the CD started, Patrick turned and stared at Pete incredulously. “You like Bowie?” he demanded.

Hoping this was a good thing, Pete nodded. “Uh, yeah.”

“Seriously? Oh my god, that’s fantastic! I was sure you listened to like shit like Britney Spears and whatever the else shit pop they play,” Patrick said.

”I’m offended. I really am. I think that is the worse thing you’ve ever said to me,” Pete said. “What about me seriously comes off as bad music tastes?”

”I don’t know. Maybe it’s just Saporta and McCoy always hanging out with you?” Patrick said.

“Haha, but you haven’t heard Travie rap, it’s epic. He knows his shit. And most of Gabe’s stuff is decent, although there are few exceptions,” Pete said with a laugh.

”So, favourite Bowie song?” Patrick asked.

”Starman, I think, if I had to choose, but I just really dug the whole Ziggy Stardust album,” Pete said. “Actually, no, I dug the whole Ziggy Stardust whatever-the-fuckery.”

Patrick laughed. “Yeah, Ziggy Stardust was amazing, for sure. I’m kind of partial to Suffragette City too,” he said.

They ended up talking about music all the way to Patrick’s house, and even when Pete pulled the car over and turned off the engine, Patrick just had to ask him about this one band before he left, and Pete did like them, seriously? They ended up talking for a long time until Patrick’s phone suddenly went off, interrupting them.

”Huh, that’s weird, I set my phone to tell me when I ten minutes until curfew, why’s it going off now?” he said, pulling his phone out. Once he turned it on he just sort of stared. “Holy shit.”

“What?” Pete asked.

”What time did we leave the zoo?” Patrick asked.

“I don’t know. Seven?” Pete said.

“It’s 10:50. We’ve been talking for like four hours,” Patrick said.

”Whoa,” Pete had to say, because it had not felt like that long.

“Yeah, exactly,” Patrick said, but then he smiled at Pete. “Hey, walk me to the door?”

Pete just kind of stared for a second and then nodded quickly, getting out of the car. He opened Patrick’s door to him, even though Patrick just rolled his eyes at him, and then walked Patrick to the door.

“I have to say, I’m pleasantly surprised about your music tastes,” Patrick said.

“You listen to better stuff that I was expecting too,” Pete said, not to be outdone. It was true!

Patrick laughed. “I’m impressed, and very few people impress me with music tastes, I have to say,” he said.

”So does this mean I’m special?” Pete asked, grinning.

”Oh, honey, are you ever special,” Patrick said, but when Pete pouted he added, “I actually had a good time talking to you tonight. You know, getting past the whole Gabe thing at the zoo. And before then, the zoo, it wasn’t bad.”

“Did you get your wolf?” Pete asked.

Patrick held it up. “Yep,” he said, laughing.

“So I guess you at least don’t completely hate me now?” Pete asked.

Patrick smiled at him, a nicer smile than Pete had seen so far. “Wentz, you’re so stupid,” he said, but it was in the nicest tone ever. Then Patrick leaned closer and kissed Pete on the cheek, and Pete suddenly got it.

”You like me!” Pete exclaimed, actually jumping up and down.

Patrick laughed. “Quiet down, kiddo, you’re going to wake my parents,” he said. “And yeah, I like you. I guess we could try this whole dating thing, you know, see how it works out.”

Pete squealed and pulled Patrick into a suffocating hug. Patrick just grinned, even though he could hardly breathe. Hey, the kid like Bowie and Sinatra!


The next day at lunch Pete, who woken up late that morning and not seen Patrick yet as a result, ran over to the nerd table and pretty much attack-hugged Patrick. “Hi!” he said cheerfully, letting go of him and sitting down next to him.

“Hey,” Patrick said, kind of shyly, with a big smile.

Pete smiled back even wider.

“I am so confused. Why are two of my friends now dating the kids we used to hate?” Spencer asked.

“And why isn’t Brendon your guy’s friends so I could have a boyfriend too?” Ryan asked.

“I could probably get Brendon to come sit with us if you wanted, someday,” Pete offered.

Ryan blushed. “Well...I don’t know...I mean...I would say something stupid.”

“I could talk to him most of the time and you could just speak up when you having something really smart to say and impress him,” Pete said. “And besides, it’s Brendon.”

“Yeah, I think that kid might actually be stupider than Pete!” Gabe said.

“Says the dumbass who fell in a cobra pit and stayed there and tried to converse with the snakes,” Patrick said.

“I think I hit my head when the glass fell or something, I swear!” Gabe said. “Besides, I knew the power of the Cobra would save me from it's earthly minions.” Then he looked worriedly over at them. “I mean...”

“Gabe,” Pete stopped him. “I’m sorry about the stuff I said yesterday. I was an asshole. I didn’t mean any of it, I was just a grumpy panda because I thought ‘Trick here didn’t like me. I think you’re great, William’s great, the Cobra’s great and real. It’s all great. Right?”

Gabe smiled. “Yeah.”

“Don’t call me ‘Trick,” Patrick warned.

“Oh, and I have a poster for you,” Pete told Gabe, handing him the cobra poster.

Gabe unrolled it and squealed loudly when he saw what it was. “Oh my god! I can totally add this to my Cobra shrine!”

“I thought it wasn’t a cult,” Patrick said.

”It’s not!” Pete said. “Besides, I’m going to have to thank the Cobra. That’s why we’re together, you know.”

“Oh really now?” Patrick asked, raising his eyebrow.

“Yeah, because if Gabe hadn’t been trying to follow us to help me in the name of the Cobra, he never would’ve fallen in, we never would’ve gotten in a fight, I never would’ve turned on my CD player because of the awkward silence, and we would never know that the other person had amazing tastes and therefore you probably would’ve agreed to go on like one more date because you felt bad for me but then leave me and now I’m hoping for at least five and maybe some making out,” Pete said.

”You’re a dork,” Patrick said, but he was smiling a lot, and then he kissed Pete on the cheek, so it all seemed good.

“Dude, you guys are so lame. It’s going to take five dates just to get to making out?” Gabe asked. “That’s ridiculous!”

“Just because you put out on the first date doesn’t mean the rest of us do, honey,” Pete said.

“William does,” Gabe said grinning.

William turned beet red. “Oh my god, go away. I hate you.”

”Actually, that wasn’t even a date. It was before our first date. It was like within like two days of ever talking to each other. Like, within a few minutes of being out of school alone together for the first time,” Gabe said thoughtfully.

”Do you want me to never have sex with you again? Because that’s what’s going to happen if you keep talking,” William said.

”Oh, whatever. Like you could ever do that. You’re worse than I am!” Gabe said.

“Please don’t talk about your sexy times at the lunch table,” Spencer said. “Any of you. Ever. That is too much information.”

“Especially with you two,” Pete said.

“Haha, but it’s great! William’s like so quiet everybody thinks he’s mute and he’s like...really slutty!” Gabe said happily.

”Well, you know what they say about the quiet ones,” Ryan said, winking at William.

“Oh my god, I hate you all,” William said, getting up and storming out of the cafeteria.

“If I follow you will you give me a blowjob in the bathroom?” Gabe asked, chasing after him.

”I have no idea how William puts up with him!” Spencer said.

“Well, I’m pretty sure I have an idea. Or at least a reason,” Ryan said, laughing.

“Seriously, though, did anybody actually expect that out of William? Even I was starting to suspect he had turned mute some of those days before he met Gabe,” Patrick said.

“That’s because he was too busy being in a snake cult to pay attention to the outside world,” Spencer said.

“I think those books he reads are actually dirty romance novels and he’s just been waiting for the opportunity to pounce,” Pete suggested. “All it took was Gabe’s large cobra.”

“Okay, how about nobody talks about each other’s sexy times either, okay?” Spencer suggested. Everybody laughed.

Suddenly Travis and Vicky-T came over and sat down at the end of their table. There was only mild surprise.

”Guys! Hi!” Pete said.

”It’s getting lonely over there without you and Gabe,” Travis said. “You think we can sit you guys?”

“Oh god. Please don’t. We really don’t need any more of this,” Spencer said.
“Ignore him, he’s actually a cuddly panda hidden under a grumpy panda mask,” Pete said.

“When did you decide this?” Spencer asked, glaring at him.

”Cause you are really nice sometimes for being scary Spencer Smith,” Pete said, as if that explained it all.

Travis was laughing. “Dude, and you were like seriously terrified of him!”

”It’s a scary grumpy panda mask!” Pete said in defense.

Patrick giggled. “Dork dork dork,” he said, but he kissed Pete on the cheek after every time he said it and then one final time on the lips so Pete figured it was okay.

“Don’t worry, Smith, I’m not entirely thrilled about the idea of sitting at the same table as Gabe and Pete when they’re dating anybody. Especially Gabe,” Vicky-T said.

”Do you remember that time he fucked that chick on top of the table during the middle of your mom’s church dinner or whatever?” Travis asked. “That was fucked up.”

“That was my fault. I gave him those pills,” Pete said.

“I know,” Vicky-T said. “Remember, I threatened to cut you dick off?”

“And you wouldn’t let any of us back in your house for a year,” Pete said, nodding solemnly.

“Holy shit,” Spencer said, just staring at them. “I swear to God, any fucking takes place on the lunch table, I am killing each and every one of you.”

“Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure William’s keeping Gabe from drugs, and I’m assuming the same for Patrick and Pete,” Travis said. “And it won’t be any fun without those two.”

“And I never took them in the first place. I just tried to keep those idiots under control,” Vicky-T said.

“Is it really worth it? If you just let them like, kill themselves, there would be no more ‘harness the power of the Cobra speeches’ everyday at lunch,” Spencer said.

”Oh, that reminds me,” Patrick said. “I’m not really into the whole snake cult thing, but you think you or maybe Gabe or William could pass on a thanks to the Cobra for hooking us up, if it is in fact its fault?”

Pete just grinned at him like an idiot and pulled him into a suffocating hug and Patrick really, really thought he could get used to this.
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