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Take two.

This is like the fiftieth time I've tried to fix this story... I just decided to completely repost it. Enjoy=)



Why?

The universal word that everyone uses when everything is going wrong and it seems as if it will never be right again.

Why me? Why him? Why us?

It's become a habit for me to use this word on a daily basis. Well, ever since that night a month ago in February. It happened so suddenly. Not one of us had any time to prepare for the broken hearts that we would come to call our own.




Tears blurred my vision as I memorized the picture inside the frame. It was taken at Christmas, which seemed so long ago. Taking some time off of work was supposed to help me get rid of that awful pain in my chest. The hurt, the guilt, the sorrow all added up to one huge ache that just wouldn't go away. Memories of him were etched inside my head. They were painted onto the walls of this house. Everywhere I looked I remembered him. I couldn't hide from it. I couldn't deny it.

We had talked about selling the house but we realized that so many firsts had happened here. We just couldn't bear to part with those memories, even though the only memory I played over and over in my head was his last.

The tears I had been fighting to hold back finally broke their barrier and cascaded down my cheeks. My knees buckled beneath me as I collapsed onto the ground sobbing uncontrollably while I clutched tightly to the picture frame. I lost track of time as I lay there unable to move.

Distantly, I heard the bedroom door click open before I felt a set of strong arms lift me off the floor. He placed me on the bed before laying down beside me. I felt his rough beard on my neck and shifted closer to him.

"We'll see him again one day." Was all he was able to choke out before laying a small kiss on the pulse in my neck and dissolving into tears.

I pressed my body against his and he pulled me closer. I tugged at his shirt and relaxed slightly as I pressed my palms against his bare chest. It seemed as if the only thing that could bring me comfort was the feeling of his bare skin against mine. He pulled me even closer so that our entire bodies were touching. He wrapped his arms around me, mirroring on my back, what I was doing to his chest.

If only this would last forever.

I fell asleep somewhat content. It was only at the moment before I passed into dreamland that I realized that maybe Damian's cold exterior was all a mask. Maybe he really was hurting as much as I was.

But that couldn't help us. That knowledge alone could never fix what was already broken.

When you're torn so suddenly and unexpectedly from someone you love, nothing can make it better. It hurts like a son-of-a-bitch and no amount of therapy can make that feeling go away. You can only learn to cope. You can never learn to completely heal. Healing from something like that is damn near impossible.

And when two people who are in love experience this at the same time, it's either going to work in the end because they can help each other cope with their pain, or it's going to be a complete disaster because neither of them can think outside of their own pain.

For Damian and I, it was going to be a disaster.




Too loud. The screaming was way too loud. My ears felt as if they would explode and my lungs felt like they were on fire. I couldn't breathe. I simply couldn't breathe, and that thought alone pulled me out of my dream.

It took me a minute to actually realize that I was the one who was screaming, and that realization only made me scream louder as the dream came back to me. Blood. There was so much blood. It was covering every inch of our bodies. I held his body tight in my arms as he shook.

But that wasn't right. That wasn't how it happened.

I felt someone move above me and found the courage to open my eyes. Damian's brown eyes looked down at me. They were filled with anger, something I had come to expect. His mouth was moving but I couldn't hear what he was saying over my screams. The slight sting on my cheek was what let me know that he had slapped me. Just hard enough to pull me out of the dream I had fallen back into. I gasped and felt myself slowly come back to reality.

But reality wasn't much better than the dream.

I curled myself into his arms and began sobbing. I needed that touch, that comfort. I had to know for sure that he was really there. My hearing came back to me and I finally heard what he was angrily whispering in my ear.

"You have to stop this Em. Do you really want Sadi to see you like this? You're a mess Emerson. You can't keep doing this." He pointed to the doorway and my gaze followed his finger. I saw the two-year-old standing there in her Dora nightgown. Her big brown eyes were filled with tears and fresh snot was drying on her face as she looked at me.

"Mommy?" Her voice came out as a strangled sob and I fought back a fresh batch of tears. What was I doing to my baby girl? Why was I letting her see me like this?

I pulled myself out of Damian's grasp and slowly walked over to her. I held my arms out to her and breathed a sigh of relief as she collapsed into my offered hug.

"Mommy's just sad Sadi." My voice came was raspier than normal. My throat still burned from screaming.

My little girl held my face in her small hands and kissed my nose. " 'sokay to be sad sometimes mommy. I love you lots." I forced a smile for her and held onto her tighter.

"That's right Sadi. That completely right."




My days had all become one big blur. They blended together so nicely since I did exactly the same thing everyday.

-Wake up
-Get Sadi and myself dressed
-Have breakfast
-See Damian off to work and find something to occupy Sadi
-Clean and cry
-Have lunch
-Put Sadi down for her nap
-Clean some more and cry until Sadi woke up
-Occupy Sadi until Damian got home
-Have dinner
-Put Sadi to bed
-Cry myself to sleep

It was pathetic really. I wasn't sure how I even had any more tears left or energy for crying. But I did know that I simply had to go back to work in order to get myself out of this routine. It wasn't good for any one us. But with work came the sympathy from my coworkers,and I wasn't sure I was ready for that either.




Two months after that day in February, Damian sat me down at the kitchen table after we had put Sadi to bed. We sat there awkwardly for a few moments before he finally spoke up.

"I don't think this is working Em. We've tried therapy, we've tried small talk, it seems like we've tried everything and you still can't talk about it. Not even to me. You can't even talk to me Em." He sounded like he had practiced this out loud.

"I do talk to you Damian. It's just hard." I looked into his eyes and noticed for the first time just how much sadness was there.

"You tell me to have a good day at work in the morning and tell me what's for dinner at night. That's all you do Emerson. I feel like I'm losing you. I feel like this is tearing us apart." I frowned at him and forced back the tears. I felt the same way too. I didn't want it to happen but it seemed to be the inevitable for us. I took a deep breath and looked past him. Maybe if I didn't look at him this conversation wouldn't be real.

"What do you want to do Damian? I'm trying my best. I really am." He sighed and ran a hand through his light brown hair.

"If this is your best then I don't think there's anything we can do Em. All we can do is think of what's best for Sadi and I don't think her staying here with you everyday is healthy for her." I felt my anger rise before I could even think about what he was saying.

"Are you saying I am an unfit mother? How dare you ever say anything like that to me." I half shouted at him as I quickly stood up, knocking my chair over in the process. "I was here Damian. I was fucking here. Where the hell were you?" I was shouting now, so angry that I could barely see straight.

"I was out with the boys Em. I've accepted that. I've accepted that I wasn't here, But do you really think it would have happened differently if I had been here Emerson? Do you think I could have stopped it?" The questions calmed my anger and I thought about it. I actually thought about it.

Do I think he could have stopped it? No.

"I think it's time for me to go back to work. We can put Sadi back in preschool and I know she'll love that." Damian blinked twice and then nodded.

"We'll try that Em. We'll try. But you can't keep changing the subject every time I bring it up. We have to talk about it. The therapist says that that's the only way we can get past this. I want to get past this. I don't want to lose you." I sighed and picked up the chair.

"I'll try Damian." He came around the table and took my hands in his. He lay a soft kiss on my lips before resting his forehead on mine.

"Promise me?"

"I promise."

I just wish this would've been a promise I could keep.

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Thanks mucho for reading.
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