My poorly written, overly graphic, undoubtedly inconsistent take on the Dimension travel where Harry meets his female counterpart plot. Harry/OC(female counterpart)
- I love it. Completely over the top. I wasn't quite sure exactly what happened to Luna, but it didn't matter much, did it?
I always wondered in the back of my head where Harry picked up his morality from...definitely not the Dursleys. I guess in this story, the clear answer is that he didn't!
- First of all, sorry my bad english. Not my first language.
Damn... You´re bloody! Gruesome fighting scene.
Still on that scene, the whole deal with Hermione is surreal. What kind of moron would stop to rape someone in the middle of an attack, while his companions were still fighting? And they were in the middle of the MoM for God's sake!
You didn´t need to kill everyone, and the entire gringots scene is far too much... He just saw all his friends being brutally murdered, so he thinks about money? A little too much OOC for me, and a poor excuse for you to ignore finance problems in the future.
My last critic is: Don´t rush! You're speeding you text too much, the encounter between Harry and Evy happened too fast. In the fighting scene everything is so confusing and appears to happen really fast, but in fact someone is raped and them choked to dead. As I see, this takes time, so, take your own time. (still think it´s not logical, but if you have to do it, do it right)
I hope you can apreciate a little critic. Great idea. Not so sure about the execution.
- Some good scenes and some interesting concepts; I'll be interested in seeing how you develop and flesh them out. You probably do need to slow the action a bit now that you've got the basic exposition out of the way. I will admit that I'm looking forward to seeing more of this story.