- Not sure if this posted my computer froze sorry if you get this review twice.
Charlie and Harry meet at the Weasley’s, Harry meets both Charlie and Bill, at the and go to the World Cup together, then on the train Charlie tells the group he will likely see them at Hogwarts. So, the thing about them meeting for the first time annoyed the heck out of me.
You might want to fix it.
The story is a little dialog heavy with a lot of talk, and little reference to where they are or what they are doing.
The development of the bond was to fast, as was there acceptance of it. The cutting the chapters and info about the first task was a little annoying. You are relying on the reader having already reading the books.
That is a safe assumption but it makes a boring story, because it skips a lot. There is no filler, what were Cedric and Fleur’s reaction to Harry and Hermione kissing? What was there reaction if any to the reporter?
What was the purpose of Dumbledore being in the tent instead of Bagman? Why wasn’t Bagman trying to help Harry?
Harry’s advanced magic skills are a little boring, it’s been done to death, he gets angry and wow shit works out great. Glass explodes, people are awed, or scared or stupefied, and hot dam the authors disliked character is hurting.
The hospital scene would have been better if Harry reacted quickly out fear for Hermione’s safety, using a simple body bind, and a Expelliarmus. No superpower and you get the same results, as Harry can still snap the wand.
If you had wanted Harry to be throwing stronger, more advanced curses, then you should have spent a little more time going over what he and Hermione were working on studying. It makes it more believable, and doesn’t seem like you are pulling things out of Harry’s ass. Yes you said he had a list but what was on it? we don’t know.
Also, the summoning charm was learned before the first task, easily changed but what was the point? What were the students learning before the first task?
The actual killing of the dragon was a nice touch; it was different then most stories. It was a nice blend of movie, canon, and your own idea.
The Skeeter report was just not done as well as could have been. She had so much more to write about, and so much more to pull from her readers by playing on their hearts, Harry nearly dieing at the dragons claws, his girlfriends sitting petrified as she watches her young beau fight a fully grown dragon! Etc.
By writing all of that in one report Rita limited, how many stories she could sell. There were 3 or 4 stories in that one report, if she had released them one at a time she would have made more money and had a more entertained audience, which is a well paying audience, and a skilled reporter, would have known that.
I think you are trying to rush the timeline and it’s taking away from your story.
Anyway, good luck with your writing.
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