I lay on my bunk. The sobs had begun to hurt my throat and my eye's stung from the number of teas that I had cried. “Kat,” Bob came through and sat beside Ellie in the hall. Ellie had been crying too but not to the extent of my own. “When we leave the bus, I think we need to take you to a hospital.” I continued to sob and Bob took my hand from Ellie's and rubbed my thumb tenderly. “I, I can't. If, If we go. If we go I know it's gone.” I sobbed. Ellie sat up and rubbed my hair.
“It's for the best Kat, Please? We'll be there. You won't be alone. I promise.” Her tears had stopped now, I looked into her eyes and they were red. I hated to think what I looked like. I held my stomach without realising. I imagined I could feel it kicking again, just like it had when Gerard had said he loved me this morning. It was his fault. Last night. When he'd touched me. He'd killed it.
I nodded at Ellie to signal I would go with them. She sighed. Bob squeezed my hand and got up to leave, I looked up at him questioningly. “I have to tell the others. I'll come back and get you when the bus stops.”
10 minutes after Bob had left us the bus began to slow and Bob came to stand beside my bunk again. “Time to go.” I held his hand tightly and felt the sobs begin again. He led Ellie and I off the bus quickly and out onto the venue's car park tarmac. Everyone stood around and I felt Ray squeeze my arm as I passed him. I tried to smile but found myself unable. I looked up. The three bands were gathered into one large group, yet Gerard stood off from the rest his face tear stained and more tears still flooded his eyes. I looked once more at him and he mouthed sorry. I shook my head and walked away towards the van. Bob still held my hand tightly and Ellie followed closely behind.
Trace ran up to the door of the van and took it from Bob so Bob could belt me in. “Thanks trace.” My voice came quietly but was not broken. “I'm really sorry Kat. Really.” He said. Bob turned from me and squeezed Trace's arm. Bob walked around to his own seat. I rolled down the window and Trace shut the door. “I'll see you when you get back right?” He looked at me and his eyes shone. I wanted to smile. To be my normal happy self but the corners of my mouth would just not let that happen. “Yeh, when we get back.” Bob pulled away then and Trace stood waving a the van as we drove from the car park.
We arrived at the hospital and Bob guided me through to the desk. Ellie held my hand tightly. Bob talked to the man at the desk while Ellie and I stood to the side. “I have to take you round to maternity, it's just down the corridor.” He took my other hand and walked us down the corridor where we stopped at another desk. “My sister, she's five moths pregnant but,well we live on a bus and she had some really bad stomach pains earlier and her temperature kept changing. She was bleeding as well. Please. We think she might have lost it.” He thought I couldn't here because I was sat across the corridor, but I heard everything he said. His voice was broken. “We'll have to take a look, if you want to come through to this room over here.” We followed the nurse through to a tiny white washed room and she asked me to lay down on the bed. “How long ago did you get this pain?” She asked looking down at a clipboard.
“About 10ish this morning.”
“Okay and what happened then?”
“My friends took me to the bus and my temperature started to drop so they wrapped me up,and then it started to rise again so they undressed me and then I slept for a while.”
“Were you in any pain at this point?” The nurse was young and her sleek blonde hair was pushed back into a tight ponytail. “yeah I guess.”
“When did you notice you were bleeding?”
“I stood up to get dressed and there was blood everywhere. Please tell me my baby's not dead.”
“I cant tell you that right now I'm afraid love. We're going to have to run some tests and do a couple of scans before we can be sure how the baby is. Are you in any pain now?” I shook my head, “Okay, we'll I'll just have to go get a doctor to take a look at you. I'll be back soon.” She left us and Bob's phone bleeped. “Sorry, should have turned it off, Hey Gerard.” he muttered answering the call. “They have to run some tests. Okay I will bye.” He hung up and turned to me, “He wants me to tell you he's really sorry. He cant imagine what this is doing to you but he wants to know if you can ever forgive him.” I turned away, ashamed of my guilt. The doctor entered now and the nurse followed closely. “Hi there Kat, we just have to take some blood if that's okay?” She was middle aged and her blonde hair hung loosely over her shoulders. I nodded at her and the nurse began to run at my arm with some antiseptic. “This will sting a little.” she warned before inserting a rather large sharp needle into my right arm. I didn't wince as I could not feel any pain. I was numb.
The nurse left to take my blood samples to the lab but the doctor stayed and begun to set up the small scanner to the side of me. I'd never seen a scan of my baby before. I'd never been to a doctor about it at all. It would be the first time I'd seen my first child and it would be lifeless. I rolled my t-shirt up and the doctor rubbed some blue jelly on it. It was cod and it stung at my skin. Bob and Ellie stood to my side. Ellie held my hand while Bob had wrapped his arm around the back of the bed and was stroking my hair.
The doctor placed the small little receiver onto my stomach. The picture on the screen was black and I turned away to face the window which stood behind my friend and brother. They both continued to stare at the screen. I watched as Ellie's eyes began to flood with tears and Bob's eyebrows raised in surprise. “What is it? What's wrong?” I turned to look at the screen and Ellie squeezed my fingers and yelped a little. Behind me I heard Bob begin to sob and laugh.
Before me on the screen lay an image of my womb. My baby's faint shadow lay there, its finger in its mouth, the other hand raised as if waving at us. In the center of the image there was a bright moving orb. My baby's beating my heart.