I got the idea while listening to Hate Me by Blue October. Just a sad little one-shot
“I want it to end.” I moaned to myself, trying to steady my hands, enough to open the bottle of pills. I needed my pills. They were my heroes, my saviors. That didn’t save me at all.
I couldn’t get the bottle to open, and I threw it across the room, as hard as I could. There had to be something in here. I needed something.
There wasn’t enough air the room. I couldn’t breathe. It was spinning wildly around me, tilting at angles that made it seem like I was looking in a mirror at a fun house. I bent to the side, trying to get the world to straighten. It refused. I wasn’t surprised though. Nothing worked out the way I wanted it to.
I stumbled into the kitchen, pulling the fridge door open, to reveal another one of my vices. I could only hang onto the vodka bottle long enough to get a few sips, but it was worth it. Then the bottle slipped from my hands, and onto the floor, where it shattered into tiny pieces. I stared at it, feeling the wetness seeping through the rug below my feet.
I left the bottle in fragments on the floor, making my way back to my room. It seemed like I was being denied all the things I wanted. The bottle of pills wouldn’t open, I dropped the vodka. But the cocaine beneath my bed allowed me to use it. I was able to get two lines in, though my shaking hands wouldn’t let me do another. I shoved it back where it was hidden before, then leaned back against the bed for support.
I struggled to complete a single thought. It was hard; my mind was skipping, jumping ahead of itself. I couldn’t focus. Didn’t they say that people who are insane can’t focus?
I smiled lamely to myself. If this was insanity, then I liked it. It was much easier than normal life. No pressure. You don’t have to make sense of anything. Not even your own thoughts. Insanity was light. Easy. Simple.
I began to drift in and out. Of something. Consciousness maybe. Or myself in general. I didn’t know. And I didn’t care. So long as everything else went away. Soon, I was on the floor, deeply inhaling the scent of the carpet. It didn’t smell very good, but at that point it didn’t matter. It was black. I wasn’t sure when the black of the carpet became the darkness of sleep. Or something similar to sleep.
When I came around, there was bright light streaming through the tiny window above me. It made me wince, curling in upon myself to shield myself from it. I noticed that my body was vibrating; it only took a moment for me to feel the pang of longing for my pills. I hadn’t had them. I needed them.
I tried to move, but failed. I laid flat on my back and a thought occurred to me. I might die here. It made me smile; the sheer possibility of an end being near in my future. I shut my eyes, praying. Maybe if I prayed hard enough, it would all be over.
The sweetness of the moment was ruined by the creak of a door opening, a slam as is shut.
“Gerard?” Someone called my name anxiously. It was Frankie. I knew it was.
I frowned as he called out again, and as I listened to his footsteps thumping closer and closer, until he was on the ground beside me.
“Gerard?” He said repeatedly. “Wake up!” Frankie gripped my shoulder tightly enough to elicit a response.
“Damn you Frank.” I groaned, opening my eyes to see a Frank-like shadow looming over me. I’d rather it was the angel of death. “You ruined it.” My words ran together, making it hard me to even tell what I was saying.
“What did I ruin?” Frank asked cautiously.
“I was gonna die. It was gonna be over.” And suddenly I was sobbing. I’d wanted it so bad. And now my chance was gone.
Frank’s arms were around me, pulling me close to him. I didn’t want to be, but I was helpless against it.
“You don’t want that Gerard.” Frank said, as he rocked me back and forth. I didn’t like it. It made me feel sick.
I didn’t tell him to stop rocking like that, because I remembered that you could die from choking on your vomit. Disgusting, but it was another way out. I’d take it. I’d take any way that I could get.
“You don’t want to die.” Frank said, still rocking. I felt the sickness rising inside of me, along with anticipation, for the death that I thought was coming. But just like everything else, it was taken from me, just before I had it. I couldn’t keep it back, and involuntarily, I leaned over in Frank’s arms, to heave everything inside me onto the floor. Frank kept a strong grip on my shoulders, brushing my hair back. I continued to spill out the contents of my stomach, a slave to the unceasing heaves that were wracking me. I reeled from the lack of air, trying to take a shaky breath. I was too consumed by the sickness to remember that I was trying to die.
“That’s it. Clean it all out Gee. Get it all out of you.” Frank was whispering in my ear the whole time, keeping me company in my misery. Through it all, I wondered what he was doing here.
When I was through, Frank scooted away from the vomit on the floor, picking up a t-shirt and wiping my mouth off with it.
“Why are you here Frank?” I asked him, through everything that was clouding my mind.
“What do you mean?” He asked, frowning as he looked at me.
“Why are you here?”
He blinked, still confused when I repeated my question. “Because I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
I groaned, exasperated. “But why does it matter to you if I’m ok or not? Why do you care if I’m alive?”
Frank looked almost hurt as he stared back at me. His eyes were the only thing I could see clearly. They were dark, and sad. “Because I don’t want you to die. I want you to be ok. I love you Gerard.”
I laughed, and he looked scared. “Why would you ever love me Frank? What is there about me for anybody to love?”
Frank’s eyes became lighter, blurred and I realized he was crying. “Because. Because you’re wonderful Gerard. You can do so many things. You’re so beautiful. You don’t know how amazing you are.”
I laughed again, and it sounded crazy. “ I’m not amazing. You should hate me. You should find someone better to love.”
He smiled, lips turning up softly at the corners. “I can’t find anyone better. I never will.”
“You’re gonna have to try Frank. I’m bad. I’m no good to love.” I was trembling again.
“Yes you are.” He said, adamantly this time. “Yes.”
I shook my head, actually smiling now. “I’m not.”
“I don’t care if you’re good or not. I love you anyway.”
And now. I understood. And I wanted to say I loved him too. But just like everything else, it got taken away. Because I got what I’d wanted before. Just a little too late.
Suddenly,air stopped coming. But at least the last thing I saw was Frank, though it was bittersweet because he looked scared and sad and I couldn't hear him. And at least I’d been right about something, though it was the worst thing to be right about. I was no good for him to love. Hopefully he hates me now, for everything I did to him. And hopefully, he found someone better.
Hope you all liked it. Like I said, I'm in a rather sad/depressed mood. Please, please rate and review. I want to hear what you think of my sad/dark/depressingness. And what you thought of my ending. I'll give you all m&m cookies! Love you to death. xoxxo Evangeline