17YO Harry is visited by his dark personality, and told Dumbledore locked away certain assets of him when he was a baby, and over time they'll reveal themselves and become apart of him as they were...
(#) jabarber69 2009-06-05 12:44:11 PMwhile a completely new story ole lord of the phoenix...or at least you better be otheriwise you are stealing his stories! great story by the way, looking forward to more!
Author's responseLol, I did have another account on this site but i forgot password, asked for new one, and it doesn't send me e-mails. I don't even get review alerts.
- Hmm, almost makes you wonder if Dumbles was a closet Marxist, he's certainly achieved the "thesis-antithesis-synthesis" structure here where the "new" Harry is a blend of the good parts of both the previously devided two versions. It should be quite interesting to see where you take this; beyond the bovious interactions, in many ways, with Ginny. I reckon tehre're going to be some really surprised Order members when he does show up.
- I like the idea of this story, but there are things that could have been done better. Like the fact, that suppressing a personality doesn’t suppress physical features. Or change your clothing. That was very annoying because it is a typical overpowered Harry scene. It doesn’t really make sense. And why did his scare disappear? Why wasn’t he more astonished at the results, he acts as though he were waiting for this to happen his whole life.
Harry’s conversion was to quick, he is just like “I hate the dark, I hate the dark! Ooh, taste like chocolate, yummy! Time to fuck my girlfriend.”
If you had played it out a little more, and had Harry wondering about his darker thoughts or fighting them before his personalities fully merged it would have been better. There would have been conflict which is interesting.
The spontaneous learning is no fun, what does personality have to do with that? Just because he got personality back doesn’t meen he gains memories he never had. Now creativeness, and a more intuitive grasp of magic certainly but it wouldn’t have been instantaneous. There is no storey there. If you had him slowly realize that these thoughts were a part of him, it would have been better but you just through everything together and that’s that.
You could have shown his drive to learn improve and him pick up a few books, or ask questions of the right people. “heavy stress on a ‘few’ as in two or three.” He could ask mad-eye about training, he could talk to McGonagall about personal tutoring, and study the darker spells and curses on his own or try and make a contact in Knockturn Ally. Have him pick up ion magic and its theories and how to apply them a little quicker. Not necessarily, master them, but be able to sense how to learn better.
His disliking the Order is to fast, there is no actual reason for it for all Harry knows they could be potential allies. Its like: oh look a missing piece of myself lets be anarchistic!
There should be some down / alone time, to sort out his feeling before he even contacted Ginny, or anyone for that matter. Where he at least starts to think about himself as a whole and his feelings. Then he could cautiously feel out other people and get a sense of what he wants to do.
Ginny is what I’ve come to expect from fan fiction and cannon; under developed and not enough time writing her scenes. You had a good base but you could have taken it further to make her seem like a real girl. Like a little teasing revenge at least, making him sweat, having Harry promise he will think things through and not do that again. Have her think about asking Harry how she is supposed to know he isn’t just playing with her feeling using her for a quick fuck.
Those are things real girls want to know, unless you want Ginny to be completely smitten, and then you could show that as well with her thinking that she should make him sweat, and give him a hard time but just wanted to be with him too much, or was to horny or soft with him or …whatever the reason for going easy on him is, maybe it was his humor that disarmed her and she was just o happy to be back together to be upset but that should be described better..
Dark Ginny with Harry would be a cool thing just make sure it isn’t “I’m a light-sider oops no I’m not!” Ginny following Harry could be a sense of love, and indebtedness and maybe even a little blind trust that he is right or should be right because of him saving her life, but think it out, please.
Umm, yeah, Hermione well good luck with her. She is the difficult one to convert realistically, if that’s your goal. But that doesn’t mean Harry cant use her and slowly mislead her down a darker path or get her slightly addicted to dark magic.
Um I do like the idea of the story and I hope you don’t think that I am ragging on it. I just see potential in it and I criticize the way my English teacher criticizes my papers, it sucks at the time but each time it happens and I edit my paper my writing gets a little better, I’m hoping the same will be true for you, with my review showing you ideas you may have over look. Just remember whenever you can show what you’re talking about instead of telling.
I hope that doesn’t sound really arrogant, I am just trying to help. This is meant to be a friendly review, and I hope your writing goes well.