Your hiding everywhere. Like I said before... Thtis screams a AD bashing sequel.
Author\'s Response: Reveiw junkie that i am, i'm looking for more readers. lol i'm working on chp 2 but i'm not sure about it. May put it up on the group and let people pick at it. :)
- You need a comma between "hand" and "cutting him." "Outburst" is one word.
Wow. Harry sure is mean in this one. That's not how he tends to act, even when lonely and frustrated.
"You're going to pay Snape."
This is Harry telling someone to give Snape money. Try putting a comma after "pay."
So... Harry goes from being super-meanie!Harry to being polite and calling Snape "sir"? That's more IC, but the transition needs work.
The exposition seems a little too good, the part when Harry explains to Madam Bones. I think he'd be a little more vague and hesitant.
"a lightning bolt with a serpent slithering up it."
Snape strikes me as the guy who'd still hold a personal distaste for Harry regardless, and vice versa.
A unique and original take, but Harry seems awfully bipolar.
- For a one-shot it certainly leaves one hanging, got to the end of the story and said to myself surely there is at least more, but guess not.
The sudden turnarounds on Harry and Snape's attitudes are disconcerting, especially when you think such a thing could not happen in real-life unless they were both doped up to the gills :p. A theory I would have is that the dark mark and Harry's scar have hate compulsions on them (and/or cause extreme pain to both in proximity), and with their removal real attitudes come forth or else it could be that Snape is now bound to a less insane master (hence the new mark)?
Would like to see more of this or maybe an epilogue, one can hope :D.
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