He dressed up as his state's senior senator. Now he's a blue woman. How the hell does Xander keep landing himself in these situations?
Disclaimer: Someone who isn't me and might be Joss Whedon owns the Buffy people, but I'm not entirely sure. Marvel's copyright and intellectual property rights are a mess. Let's just go with a great big honking 'not mine' and leave it at that, yeah?
Summary: He dressed up as his state's senior senator. Now he's a blue woman. How the hell does Xander keep landing himself in these situations?
Joe's Note: Saw the challenge and I had to. This will be a slow update story while I work on the Young Defenders Trilogy, but if you all like it, it might get updated faster. Not review whoring. Just, you know, putting that out there.
He had boobs.
He had boobs and they were blue.
Xander Harris shot upright in his bed, staring down at the new additions to his body in shock. No no no. He was supposed to be a tall, gangly teenage boy who was a bit on the pale side. Not a busty blue babe. Hey, alliteration! Wait. Focus. Blue. Why was he blue? And female? What the hell had happened to his body?
Sliding out of bed, Xander tried to piece together his scrambled memories of the night before. Things had started when Herr Snyder's interesting take on the 'volunteer' concept had sent him scrambling for a costume so he could take kids out to go trick or treating. From there, he remembered coming up empty at every costume shop he'd visited and Buffy's obsession with dressing up for Angel further demoralizing him. He'd finally ended up raiding his father's closet for the man's old - but still clean and very respectable looking - suit. The kids dumped on him didn't get why he'd dressed up as Senator Robert Kelly of California… but then again, he wasn't out to impress them or his peers. He just wanted to avoid the wrath of Snyder. Then everything had gone dark and now here he was at home, butt naked and blue. And a woman.
How the hell had he managed that one?
Wobbling over to his mirror, gaining a bit more confidence with each step as he learned to deal with his altered center of gravity and dimensions, Xander's jaw dropped as he took in his reflection. Somehow, God only knew how, he had managed to get himself turned into a blue girl with scales all over his body, bright red hair, and yellow eyes. "Oh come on! Give me a break here! If you had to turn me into a woman, couldn't I have at least been a normal looking one? Or, God forbid, a hot one even? Like Cordelia or something?"
As his mind drifted to the subject of many a wet dream, Xander barely even noticed as his entire body rippled and shifted around him. Blue skin became tanned, short red hair lengthened and became dark brown and curled, yellow eyes became brown, his chest growing outward along with his hips and ass. One moment, he was staring at a naked blue freak in the mirror, the next a naked Cordelia Chase. "Get… out."
How the hell had he done that? He quite vividly remembered being blue only moments ago… and as he watched in horror, Cordelia's features melted away to reveal the inhuman blue façade he'd been wearing when he'd woke up. "No! Damnit! Go back!" His blue lips moved as he shouted at the mirror but apart from that, his reflection remained unchanged. "C'mon. Please? Give me a break here." God was either ignoring him or having a good laugh at the situation, probably the latter, and so Xander took a deep breath to calm himself. Okay, think. What had he done right before turning into Cordelia? He'd… been thinking about her. Quite intently. Just like he'd focused on the creepy blue form, triggering the shift back. Was that all there was to it? Willpower and familiarity?
Well then crap, he knew a great way to stop being blue, at least until he could figure out a way to reverse the weirdness permanently. After all, he'd spent most of his waking hours with someone for the last decade and knew every inch of her - or at least the parts that anyone would be allowed to see in public - by heart. Calling memory after memory to the forefront of his mind, Xander watched as his flesh rippled and shifted into the oh-so familiar appearance of his best friend.
Wait a second. Xander stared at his - err, Willow's - reflection for a moment before realizing he was an idiot. He could shift into anyone he could picture, right? Well… he could picture himself, couldn't he? Why the hell was he turning into his best friend for camouflage when he could turn into himself?
Because he couldn't, it turned out.
Which, considering time was ticking away and school was drawing ever closer, put Xander in a bit of a bind. He could sit there and strain until his Willow form was red in the face - his blue form turned a bit purple-ish, he'd discovered after returning to it in hopes that there was just a lock on shifting from one assumed body to another - but his normal male shape continued to elude him. It wasn't a lock on gender, either; he could become other guys. But the only one he knew well enough to do that with was Jesse and… yeah. His friend was going to stay resting in peace, not freaking out people by coming back from the dead.
The early morning hours continued to melt away as Xander frantically worked to return to his original male body, but as the red numbers on his alarm flashed 7:30 AM, he gave in and admitted defeat. Fine. He was stuck as being Willow or Cordelia or maybe Buffy for the time being. Now what?
Well, he knew what, really. He had to get to Giles. Even with a Willow-shaped body to hide his sudden blueness, running around town - and the school - in his male clothes would be more than a little suspicious. Mean as it seemed to even think, Willow wasn't a particularly snazzy dresser but even she managed better than huge t-shirt and oversized jeans. He pondered dropping by the mall first but dismissed that idea; people would still see 'Willow' dressed like a bum and cutting class to boot. There had to be a better option…
The sunlight glinted off something stuck to the bulletin board on the wall of his room and suddenly, Xander had a plan. Not an entirely good one, mind you, but a plan nonetheless.
Looking around nervously, Xander used one hand to keep his far-too-baggy-for-Willow's-slim-boy pants from falling down as he slipped his spare key into the back door's lock. As much as he loved his bestest bud, she was horribly predictable and he knew she was roughly a block from the school and closing fast. Maybe reaching the front doors now, if his watch was a few minutes off. It made his job easier; all he had to worry about during this little B&E session were neighbors and Willow's parents being home. Since the latter was a very infrequence occurrence and the overgrown shrubs blocked the former from seeing him, he was essentially home free.
Even then, it wasn't until he'd entered the house and called out for 'mom' and 'dad' in a passable imitation of Willow's voice, receiving no response as expected, that Xander truly relaxed. Even though he knew he was past the point of needing to race a clock - there was no way 'Xander Harris' would be attending class that day - he began to move about the house at a brisk pace. Feeling a bit strange running around naked in Willow's body, Xander shifted back into his scaled blue form as he stripped off the t-shirt and jeans he'd pulled on to make the trip across town. Those were quickly stuffed into a plastic grocery bag and left on the kitchen counter so he could take them with him when he left. That done, Xander made his way through the living room and then ascended the stairs to Willow's room.
Rummaging through Willow's dresser, Xander quickly found a pair of jeans and a sweater that would do for the day… the purple sweater was a bit girly but far, far better than having to wear a tank top or a skirt or something else distinctly feminine. It was when he opened the top drawer to retrieve socks that he ran into a stumbling block. Well, not precisely a stumbling block. More of an extremely embarrassing obstacle.
Should he steal some? After all, it wasn't like he hadn't gone commando once in a while when his own supply of clean boxers ran out. And Willow wasn't exactly Cordy-grade busty, so he didn't really need a bra… or did he? He knew some girls went without but had no clue where the cut-off was as far as being socially acceptable. What if Willow was on the wrong side of that line? Then he'd look suspicious. Okay, he decided, bra for safety's sake. Although if he was stealing half the set, should he take the panties too?
Xander sighed in defeat. In for a penny, in for a pound. If he was going to be a clothes and body stealing, cross-dressing boy for the day, he might as well do it properly. At least Willow didn't do anything with her hair or wear makeup. Shifting his blue body to match Willow's proportions but not her outward appearance, Xander tugged the panties up his legs and frowned. Weird but not too foreign compared to the briefs he'd worn when younger. Again he thanked God that Willow wasn't too girly; having to deal with a thong or something right now would probably break his brain. The bra, on the other hand, was a good deal harder. He managed after a minute or two of trial and error, though, sliding his arms through the straps and sighing in relief.
From there, he was on the home stretch. Girls put on pants one leg at a time just like boys did, and sweaters were an equally unisex garment - at least in design; he wouldn't have been caught daring something this color as a boy. Checking his reflection in the mirror, Xander sighed in relief. Except for the stop sign red hair and blue skin, he looked like a normal girl. Very Willowy.
Except for the actual Willow part, that was. Concentrating, Xander shifted his hair to a more natural shade of red and lengthened it until it reached mid-back or so. Next came Willow's green eyes, and then her pale, freckled skin. Inspecting himself in the mirror once more, he smiled. As long as he avoided Buffy, the few people that Willow tutored, and of course the real Willow herself, he might actually be able to pull off his little masquerade.
Speaking of, the morning wasn't getting any younger. The longer he spent at Willow's house, the longer it'd be before he caught up with Giles and hopefully got turned back into his normal Xander-shaped self. After making sure Willow's room was still as freakishly neat as when he'd arrived, Xander grabbed a spare pair of her sneakers and descended back to the ground floor. Breezing into the kitchen, he perched himself on the counter and tugged his appropriated socks and shoes on. Now fully dressed, he slipped the spare key into his pocket, grabbed the bag full of his clothes so he could dump them somewhere for later retrieval, and did his best to look nonchalant as he slipped out the back door.