"I wish i was strong enough to breathe without you in my life. And I wish i was anyone but me." This is NOT FOB. Its MADINA LAKE.
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Hands shaking; breath caught in his throat, Nathan stared up at her though she couldn’t see him. His heart raced at an abnormal speed, clouding any clear thinking process and begged him to just lie on the floor and let himself die because here he was. He was standing on the base of cold metal stairs, eyes fixated on the love of his life--thought perhaps he wasn’t allowed to use that title anymore, since she had clearly told him she didn’t love him back. In one hand a drooping daisy was being squished under his clenched fingers and his other hand was balled up as if he might actually do something besides stand there, which God knew would never happened because there was too much pain residing in him. There was a physical pain in his chest and despite his usual tough exterior, tears were threatening to break free of his eyes and cascade down his cheeks like shameful exposures of his emotions. How to put this clearly so you understand…he was having trouble breathing. He was having trouble breathing. He was having trouble living because he was stuck on the fact that instead of being with him, his girlfriend---well, now ex, was at the top of the stairs, arms around someone else; someone that wasn’t him.
The urge to do something, anything was there but how could he when she had warned him. She had told him with time that there was nothing left between them and she had warned him purposefully that if he back to her apartment she might see something he didn’t like. There was no easy way to just leave him. She had loved him at some point but something never last and what was she supposed to do? Stay with him simply because he had grown attached. There was nothing there anymore. She had realized that and accepted it unlike he, who insisted that they were meant to be. The only way to get her point across was to make things very clear, very bluntly and now it had come to this. She didn’t know he was down there, but it didn’t matter. She might as well have been in this situation on purpose because it hurt all the same. That was supposed to be him. It was supposed to be him holding her that way, gazing into her eyes, loving her and instead someone else had replaced him and there was nothing he could do. How was he to live a life when she was his air? A life without her just wasn’t a life worth living and she didn’t seem to understand that. He absolutely hated himself for all of these emotions. If he could have bundled them up and tossed them to the ground to be forever forgotten, he would have, but things weren’t that easy. Every muscle in his body was tense with anger, with pain, with confusion. He didn’t even know what to do from this point. He had an inclination that leaving would be a good start but his feet were rooted to the ground and his eyes only had one destination and that was his love kissing him. As if he actually deserved her.
Things were fixable, in his eyes. Didn’t she see that? It took effort. Things just didn’t come easily. She couldn’t just expect every problem to disappear, every conflict to resolve itself. He was putting in the effort, why not her? His eyes grew wider by the inch. They followed the person he both hated and loved right now into her apartment and once the door was shut, he forced his feet to move but they went the wrong direction.
There was no stopping himself; he climbed the stairs and before he knew what was happening, he was kneeling by the front window and peering through the slit in the window curtain that just so happened to be in alignment with her. Wit her touching him. Everywhere. It made his skin crawl. It made his chest hurt. It made his mouth dry with anxiety. From her hips to her arms, the stranger’s hands traveled and touched her. Touched the person he loved. This wasn’t right at all. Other people weren’t allowed to just touch her like that. HE touched her like that, because he loved her. Like a small gasp, Nathan sucked in a deep breath but no air filled his lungs. He licked his dry lips and blinked back tears that burned his eyelids with an intensity that matched the stinging in his heart. Anyplace than this place was better so why couldn’t he move himself? Why was he sitting here, torturing himself; watching them? The envy inside of him was enveloping him, filling him, promising to take over until something very bad happened. It had gotten so far to this point where he couldn’t even understand what had happened; how they gotten to this point. Things had started out well and now they were trash.
Nathan shifted in his crouching positions, the pressure coming off one foot to the other and leaned against the window without any regard to what might happen if he was seen. He didn’t care. His life was nothing but a joke. Lying to everyone around him, pretending to be alright. Attempting to fool himself when it was obvious to everyone except him that it wasn’t over. Nothing was okay. It was all a bunch of smoke and mirrors and he was stupid enough to think that pushing away the pain would make it go away. The only fact that seemed to make any sense anymore was that he was past the point of sanity. If he could be anyone else in the world, he would have taken the offer in a heartbeat. It was the only thing he was sure of anymore. The boy was falling apart on the inside to the beat of her clothes, falling to the ground. Whether he could handle seeing them was questionable. On the outside, he was silent, calm but the disguise did nothing for the emotions train wrecking inside of him. Her shirt slid off the couch to the floor, unheard of and unimportant. Each movement she made was like a cue for his heart to break a little further, sting a little longer, taking away the oxygen he had in his lungs.
Please no, he gasped for air and finally tore his gaze away from the window before he saw anything else. Nothing was left anymore. A hollow space was taking over the place where rationality should have been. The boy tugged off the necklace around his pale neck, struggling for a second, fumbling before finding the clasp and breaking it free. He hung the silver chain around the knob of the apartment door and without a second though turned to the stairs and bounded down them; his steps echoing off loudly and filling his ears. He ran. There was nowhere to go. No one to speak to. No one he wanted anyway. So he just ran and ran, one foot in front of the other, pounding pavement in the darkness; driving him through the cold breeze that whipped at his face and commanded him to return home; safe, where he could be alone but he wasn’t thinking anymore, let alone caring. Several cars passed him, but none stopped nor cared for the lonely boy running along the road; eyes wild and face tear streaked. He stopped when he could longer breath for most of his oxygen had disintegrated just from the heartache and leaned against the railing that overlook the river.
The metal was cold and wet against his hands and he stood there, heart hammering against his ribcage; mouth slightly open in temptation; eye furiously blinking back tears so he could see his feet clearly step onto the railing and hoist himself up. He wiped a hand against his hoodie, then the other and careful pulled himself to stand; carefully balancing himself on the ledge to overlook the mass of black water before him. The moon above him cast a glow against him and made his pale white hair shine in the darkness. Arms spread, he threw his head back, enjoying the danger, the rush, the exact feeling he felt when he was in her arms. If this was only way to harbor that feeling for just a few more seconds then he would go all out. Nathan gulped, but he was not afraid. His smile laugh rang out in the darkness and cut through the silence, but it did not erase his pain. It didn’t make the tears go away. His blurry eyes fell to rushing water beneath him. The only way to get rid of these tears were to cover them up. And river water would do just nicely. He took one breath, and smiled one last smile. A life without her was a life not worth living. One day she would realize that. One day, she would understand that he had given it all up for her. Just her. Exhale. He put one foot out and stepped over the edge.