Addy and Kyle drive out to the old cemebery to talk because that’s the one place they can be alone and Kyle learns she’s never been kissed. Part of my Feel That Fire series.
Author: Allison Wonderland
Summary: Addy and Kyle drive out to the old cemebery to talk because that’s the one place they can be alone and Kyle learns she’s never been kissed.
Warning(s): Incest, language, transgender, slash, underage.
Word Count: ~3700
When the banks open tomorrow morning Kyle will have seventy five thousand dollars in his bank account. That includes both the sixty thousand dollar college fund his parents are transferring into his name tomorrow – the day after graduation – plus the fifteen thousand dollars he has saved from working at Dixie’s garage for three years. He has no intention of going to college and no plans to tell his parents that until they notice him not leaving in September. He has renamed his so called college fund his Corvette fund. Seventy five thousand dollars is a lot of money but it is barely half of what he has estimated that he needs to purchase the 1962 Corvette C2 he wants so badly. He still needs roughly another fifty five thousand dollars – at least according to the auctions he found on eBay. Kyle thinks his dream car would be an awesome twenty-first birthday present to himself, that is his goal anyway, but as he is not quite halfway to his nineteenth birthday he supposes that saving fifty five thousand dollars in three years just by working at Dixie’s – even if she is planning to make him a junior partner in the garage in a few weeks – is probably a pretty far fetched idea.
That, however, does not stop him from salivating at the sight of his coveted 1962 Corvette C2 as it sits at the gas pump not ten feet away from where his old black pickup is parked at the seven eleven. Goddamn, he wants that car. Except when Kyle gets one he will not paint it that hideous metallic gold color. Gold is fine on newer Corvettes but on a classic car it is just so…no. Kyle will paint his tuxedo black, probably. Or maybe cherry red because that is Addy’s favorite color and Kyle hardly ever goes anywhere without his baby brother…sister…whichever she happens to be on that particular day, it makes sense to…
No. His Corvette will be tuxedo black. Cherry red is just such a girly color. But maybe if Addy is lucky he will let her drive it once in a while but probably not because Addy is-
“Oh, honestly, Kyle. It’s a car. You act like you want to have sex with it!”
Addy is back.
Kyle turns to look at her, a snarky comment on the tip of his tongue, but nothing comes out. His jaw drops and he stares. The transformation takes him by surprise every time and he is sure it always will no matter how many times he sees it. His little brother Addison is kind of geeky with way too much hair on his head and none anywhere else, a too pretty face, arms and legs that seem too long for him, and he is too skinny all over. He is the sort of kid Kyle’s friends enjoy torturing but since he is Kyle’s kid brother he is spared the indignity. Twenty minutes ago Addison had gone into the bathroom – thank God for unisex bathrooms – but it is Addy, not Addison, who comes out.
Addy is beautiful and Kyle will happily rearrange the face of anyone who dares suggest otherwise. Her red-brown hair comes down to just past her shoulders and has been brushed because it is neatly held back from her face by a wide red hairband, not the too long mess Addison usually wears. Her oh so kissable lips – not that Kyle has ever thought about kissing his sister…brother…whatever – have just the slightest hint of lipgloss, probably cherry, shining on them. The lashes around her deep brown eyes are longer and thicker than Addison’s and her eyes are outlined in kohl, the lids sparkling with something glittery. She is wearing one of Kyle’s white tee shirts with a wide red belt around her skinny waist that pulls it tight enough across her chest to outline her small breasts. It is impossible to tell just from looking that the only thing in her bra is a pair of water balloons. She is wearing tight red knee length leggings beneath Kyle’s tee shirt. The same legs that seem too long and skinny on Addison are perfect on Addy and Kyle wonders what it is like to-
He stops that thought before it even completely forms. No, he does not want to get between her perfect legs. It is not because – physically at least – the pretty girl on the seat beside him is really a girl. Kyle has had plenty of experience with boys, mostly older college boys who agree to buy him drinks at the bars over near the university. It is because she is Kyle’s baby brother. But lately when he sees Addy smiling at him as if he is her whole world – which he is because he is the only person who knows she exists inside Addison – Kyle almost forgets that. And really, it’s not like they can produce children anyway so if something should happen, if they accidentally slip up and…
He will never do that to Addy.
Addy kicks her shoes off and pulls her feet up on the seat to sit cross legged way too close for Kyle to be comfortable with. Not that he will ever push her away and, damn her, she knows that. “So?” she asks.
“So what?” Kyle starts the truck and shifts into reverse so he can back out of the parking space. He knows what she wants but sees no harm in teasing her about it. Besides, she is a beautiful girl but she is still his baby brother, which entitles him to tease her until she wants to slap him.
“Did you get it?” Addy persists. Their mother thinks they are going to the gas station for slurpees and snacks because that is what Kyle told her. Kyle may not have told the whole truth but he never lies. It is one reason why she feels so comfortable and safe with him. That and the fact that Kyle is the only person who knows Addy exists.
“I got it,” he tells her. “Twizzlers are in that bag.” He points to the bag in the footwell on Addy’s side of the truck – or what would be her side if she were not trying to sit on his lap – and hands her one of the enormous red and white plastic cups from the cup holder on top of the radio. For a moment he thinks Addy is going to squeal as she takes the cup from his hand and rips open her bag of Twizzlers Pull ‘N’ Peel. Instead she takes a long sip from the cup and licks her lips. Kyle has to tear his eyes away. “Where d’ya wanna go?” he asks.
Addy sucks a strand of Twizzler off of her finger and shrugs. “I don’t care. Just somewhere. Not the mall or to eat or anything like that.”
“Not really helpin’, Addy.”
Unable to help herself, she grins. Everytime Kyle calls her ‘Addy’ it reminds her that she has the ability to become a girl even though she had been born in a boy’s body. “Let’s go out to the cemetery,” she says suddenly. She immediately wishes she could take it back. The old Civil War cemetery is where Meyersville, Louisiana’s teenagers with cars go to make out. Addy has been feeling a little differently about Kyle lately. It is almost as if, when she is Addy, he is not her older brother but a random older boy who happens to like her and accepts that she is a little different from most other fourteen year old girls.
Or almost fourteen year old girls. Addy will not be fifteen until the end of August just before she starts her freshman year of highschool. From the first of May through the end of August Kyle is five years older than Addy instead of the usual four.
Even if Kyle does not exactly understand what she is going through he is willing to listen to her ramble on about everything and assure her that it will all turn out fine. She does not want to admit it to herself nevermind to Kyle but she is developing a huge crush on her brother.
But Kyle is really more Addison’s brother than Addy’s. That just confuses her more because if Kyle is Addison’s older brother and no relation at all to Addy does that mean it is okay to be crushing on him when she is Addy?
“There somethin’ ya wanna tell me, kid?” Kyle asks not quite teasingly. He is sure there is no way Addy wants to go out there for the usual reasons. She is not old enough for one thing and for another, even if she does feel that way – or thinks she does – she can not know what it means.
And she is with her brother.
“Nooo…” she says carefully and sucks on her straw again as Kyle turns left onto the highway. “I just…” she has no idea how to explain. “It’s just that I’ve been thinking,” she tells him, trusting him to understand what she means.
Kyle nods. “God forbid,” he says, “that you should start thinking.” Then he smiles and she knows he is only teasing her again. Addy obsesses over everything. She can make something as simple as the two of them going out for slurpees at the gas station into…well…it usually starts out with what ifs.
What if fate had two paths for Kyle to choose from tonight?
What if he has chosen the wrong one?
What if he is supposed to be at the graduation party?
What if he is destined to meet a girl there?
What if he is supposed to marry that girl and have fourteen kids and fifty six grandkids and die in his sleep when he is a hundred and twenty years old?
What if none of that happens because he chose Addy?
What if by choosing the wrong path he is now destined to be alone forever and die before he turns thirty when the car he is working on falls on him and crushes him?
What if Addy has ruined his life?
Kyle knows how Addy’s mind works, knows she has issues besides the transgender thing. Knows it does not matter.
He turns onto the old dirt road to the cemetery. Addy falls silent and returns to her Twizzlers. In the near darkness Kyle glances at her out of the corner of his eye and sees her wrap a piece of Twizzler around her finger like a ring. She pulls out another piece and does the same. Kyle turns the truck into the cemetery. He drives past a car with already steamed up windows.
When he glances at Addy she is sitting silently making Twizzler rings.
He drives past another car but takes no notice of it because Addy is never quiet. She is always talking about something. Kyle knows there is something on her mind, otherwise she would not have asked to come all the way out here to such a secluded spot. It has to be something about being Addy if she feels they have to be this alone to talk about it.
Kyle follows what passes for a road all the way to the end where he pulls in beside a mausoleum. It is nearly dark and the shadows hide his black pickup truck from the road. He kills the engine then turns the switch back on far enough for the radio and lights to work. Kyle switches on the overhead light, switches off the headlights, and plays with the dials on the radio until he finds a station that is playing Taylor Swift’s ‘Our Song.’ Kyle prefers Johnny Cash but Addy loves Taylor Swift.
But she does not seem to realize what is on the radio. Addy stares down at the strands of Twizzlers Pull ‘N’ Peel wrapped around her fingers like some sort of strange jewelry. She fidgets with the hem of her – Kyle’s – tee shirt and he knows she is nervous but she cannot be too upset because she is not sucking her thumb.
“Addy,” Kyle prompts. “Why are we out here?” Typically, kids their age come out here to make out and he is certain that is not what is on her mind.
“This was your idea,” he reminds her.
She pulls one of the Twizzler rings off and pops it into her mouth. “Cecilia has a boyfriend.” Cecilia Thibedaux is Addison’s best friend but even she has no idea Addy exists.
Kyle nods. “’Kay,” he says. He knows she will get to the point eventually. It just takes time.
“After the graduation ceremony this afternoon I saw her when I was waiting for you in the cafeteria and she was saying stuff.”
“What kinda stuff?” Kyle asks even though he is pretty sure he knows where this is going. Sex is about the last thing he wants to discuss with his baby sister…brother…uh…with his younger sibling. Yeah, that works. The idea is doubly unappealing because Addy is a girl in a boy’s body. Which talk is he supposed to give her? Her unwanted boy parts are the only parts she has to have sex with. Being a girl on the inside will probably have some effect on how they are used. Or something like that. And honestly, the whole idea of Addy having sex at all is disturbing because she is his.
Addy shrugs. Her thumb disappears into her mouth but before he can make a move to comfort her she pops it back out and…oh. She is just eating her Twizzler jewelry. “Just…like stuff…” she mumbles and pops her last Twizzler ring into her mouth. “You know.” She shrugs and tries – and fails miserably – to sound nonchalant. “Kissing. That kind of thing.”
“What about it?”
She drops her feet to the floor again and wraps her arms around herself.
“Addy?” Kyle asks, alarmed. Any minute now her thumb is going to go into her mouth and this time it will not come out quite so easily.
“When is someone going to kiss me?” she asks looking up at him suddenlyu. “I know I’m a freak but I …I just…I want-“ She shrugs, looking defeated. The tears in her big sad puppy dog eyes shimmer in the dying light of the sunset.
“Not a freak, sweetheart,” Kyle murmurs with a gentleness he only shows to Addy. He reaches over and brushes her hair back to better see her face. “It’s gonna happen. You just gotta be patient.”
“But it might not because I’m…me. Because I’m…”
“Special?” Kyle asks.
Addy had wanted to say ‘a freak’ again but she refrains from telling Kyle that. “Yeah,” she says instead, “that.”
“One day,” Kyle says, “you’re gonna meet a nice guy-“ because the person who gets close enough to Addy to kiss her had better be nice or else he will end up on the wrong end of Kyle’s fist “- someone that likes both parts of ya and he’ll think you’re the prettiest girl he’s ever saw. And he’ll kiss ya.” Funny how that sounds exactly like Kyle, particularly since no one knows about Addy.
And he thinks that maybe Addy thinks so too. Her gaze flickers away from his. She glances out the windshield, fidgets with the bag of Twizzlers in her lap. “Would you…” she begins. Then she stops. How can she ask her brother for what she wants? She knows he will probably not go for it. He might even take her home right now and refuse to take her for payday ice cream or for Twizzlers and a slurpee ever again. Addison is shy and quiet. He would never be able to ask for what he wants. Addy is a little shy too but where Addison blends into the shadows she is bright and daring. Which is why she realizes she must ask. She needs to establish that distance between herself and Addison. And if Addy asks Kyle might do it because there is nothing he will deny her.
“Would I what?” he asks.
“Kiss me,” she all but whispers, daring to look up at him.
For a fraction of a second Kyle is sure she is joking but he has never seen her so troubled and serious about anything. The knot in his stomach tightens. On one hand he knows there is no way he can kiss Addy. It is just not done. But on the other hand he wants to give her her first kiss so badly he can almost taste her cherry lip gloss. “Addy,” he says softly. It is supposed to be a reprimand but it comes out as a plea. Please don’t ask because he is helpless against her. Please say it is all a joke, that she is just playing with him. But her big brown eyes stare up at him expectantly and she is his jail bait little brother which hardly seems to matter just now and really, it is only one kiss.
A second before their lips touch Kyle thinks maybe it is better that he is her first kiss than some random guy off the street she may or may not be able to say ‘no’ to when he wants more than a kiss. At least Kyle cares about her. He touches his lips to Addy’s for a fraction of a second, barely long enough to feel how soft they looks up at him when he pulls away. Her eyes are beautiful, big, and chocolate brown. He always tells her she has sad puppy eyes and it is true. Her eyes remind him of that little beagle puppy’s eyes, the puppy he had before they had discovered Addison is allergic to dogs. Her eyes are beautiful even when she is frowning and glaring at him. “That wasn’t a kiss,” she tells him. “Kisses last longer on TV and in the movies.”
“Do you believe everything you see on TV?”
“I believe that. Come on, Kyle,” she begs. She is not shy about asking for what she wants anymore. “You gotta show me how its really done.”
He has already kissed her once, is probably already going to hell. One more time is hardly going to change anything. Kyle leans down again and presses his lips against Addy’s a second time. Her lips are warm and wet and soft and he knows he could learn to love this, could become addicted to it if he does it too often. When he pulls away her hands are clutching his tee shirt and his lips taste like cherry slurpee when he licks them.
“That was nicer,” she says softly. She suddenly feels shy again.
“Yeah,” he agrees because, well, it was. He has already kissed her twice. Surely one more time… This time he kisses her a little harder, not simply the brief touch of their lips together like the first two times. Addy’s fingers clench in his shirt when he touches his tongue against her cherry flavored lips.
Addy makes a soft whimpering sound and Kyle wonders of he has hurt her. Before he can pull away to make sure she is uninjured he feels the tip of her tongue against his own and smiles. She is trying to emulate what he is doing. Kyle moves his lips against Addy’s, slides his tongue against hers. She tastes like Twizzlers. His hands on her hips tug her closer and she climbs right into his lap, sitting between Kyle and the steering wheel. He knows he should pull away but it is not as if a few kisses are going to hurt anything.
Two hours later they are still in the same position and Kyle has discovered that he can span Addy’s tiny waist with his hands. The kisses are getting intense, maybe too intense, and Kyle knows he should stop it before things go too far. She is so tiny and impressionable and only fourteen. The last thing he wants is to hurt her.
So he force himself to pull away. Addy whines. She looks completely put out. Her full, kiss swollen lips are pouting, and her eyes are heavy lidded and all Kyle wants is to kiss her again but when she leans in for more he holds her away.
“Did I do something wrong?” she asks plaintively.
“No, sweetheart,” he says. “It’s…you’re…no.”
“Will you kiss me some more then?” she asks hopefully.
“Take a minute to breathe first,” he says gently. He has to figure out what to do about her because he likes kissing her way too much, she likes it too, and he can deny her nothing.
Addy takes his advice. She wraps her arms around his neck and rests her head on his shoulder and snuggles against him.
Just as Kyle is deciding he likes having her snuggled close to him almost as much as he likes kissing her he catches sight of the clock on the dashboard.
“What’s wrong?” Addy asks without moving.
“It’s almost 10:00,” he says. “We told mom we were just going for snacks and slurpees then to a movie or something. If I don’t get you home soon they’ll think I went to one of the parties and took you with me. And we still have to go back to the gas station so you can change your clothes again.”
Addy sighs but does not move. “Can we…can we do this again sometime?” she asks.
Kyle starts to say no. He really should say no. But what comes out is, “Yeah. We’ll do this again.”