FicWad

Chapter Five

Five Years Ago

"Come on, Will!" I giggled hysterically, holding tightly to his hand as we ran down the middle of the street, stumbling over our feet. "He'll catch us!" Completely baked, we happened to be running away from a little green gremlin who wanted to take our vocal chords to teach the clouds to sing.

"Which way is the school?" Will asked with laughter as he ran alongside me, glancing around the empty street. We were supposed to be going to get Brendon from the high school but we were a bit lost.

"I'll be a bird, you be a map," I said, ignoring the insane gibberish from the gremlin whose short legs couldn't keep his fat body up with us. "We'll find it."

"If we march with the clouds, they'll show us the way," Will said, letting his head fall back and staring up at the nearly cloud-free sky. Still giggling, we linked our arms and marched in sync with each other down the pot-hole filled road, avoiding rainbows so leprechauns wouldn't bite our ankles. Its bad enough we had been running from the gremlin who had given up and returned to its home.

"There!" I said, pointing towards a vaguely familiar looking road.

"The yellow brick road!" Will squealed, jumping some. "Let's go before the wicked witch finds us so we can save the munchkins!" He began skipping, forcing me to do so as well, both of us singing as we went along the now golden-bricked path. "Follow the yellow brick road! Do-do! Follow the yellow brick road! Do-do! Follow, follow, follow, follow..." Will sang as loudly as possible, moving his head back and forth.

We moved along the road, on the sidewalk now, paying no attention to the people giving us strange looks, until we made it to the large building of the high school where students walked away from the front doors. "We made it!" I proudly announced, laughing once again as I let go of Will's arm.

"The fairies welcome us!" Will excitedly told me, little colorful orbs now surrounding us.

"Hey Ryan," Brendon called, backpack hanging from his shoulder and smiling as he came towards us.

"Giant talking teddy bear!" I squealed, eyes widening and running towards Brendon, nearly knocking him over as our bodies collided. "Do you grant wishes?" I asked, squeezing him a little too tightly. Being high, I forgot Brendon was still recovering from the damage his foster dad had inflicted. Hell, my stomach is still bruised and sore at times. "'Cause I wish for an ocean of scarves..."

"I'll get right on that," Brendon said, hissing a little.

"Is he ok?" Someone came alongside Brendon, taking my attention from what I believed to be a wish-granting-talking-oversized teddy bear for what appeared to be a marshmallow man. I let go of Brendon and got in the face of the stranger, slowly poking him with an apprehensive finger. "Um, hi?" I giggled.

"Spencer, this is Ryan. Ryan, this is my friend Spencer." I was still giggling and staring at what I perceived as a marshmallow man named Spencer. "That's Will over there. I'm guessing they're high right now."

"Just a lil' bit," I smiled, turning back to Brendon and holding my hand up like I was squeezing a little bug. My hand then took my attention because it looked strange for some reason.

"Will he be ok?" Spencer asked, leaning close to Brendon. I frowned because it was my wish granting teddy bear so I forgot about my hand to wrap my arms tightly around him and pull him close.

"Mine," I said, glaring at the manly marshmallow. He was thin marshmallow but still squishing looking.

"It'll wear off in a bit," Brendon said, leaning his head on my shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow, ok Spence?"

"Sure," the marshmallow nodded, looking strangely at me. "Just...be careful, B...." he turned and began heading in the opposite direction; my teddy bear now safe allowing me to release him.

"Brendon!" Will squeaked, now noticing the teen as he got bored of chasing fairies. Will hugged him which I didn't mind because Will's awesome and is dating Gabe who is even more awesome. "I'm hungry..." Will frowned as he released Brendon who decided to straighten my scarf as I spaced out.

"Let's go visit Frankie!" My eyes widened with my sudden idea, my hand flying into Brendon's to take him to the bookstore Frank works at because they have a little cafe there that has amazing coffee. Not that I really need the caffeine. Will took Brendon's other hand and the two of us pulled him along, Brendon acting like a parent by keeping us both away from the road by pulling on our arms when we would stray too far. How we managed there in one piece is beyond me since Will and I would end up seeing things that weren't there, such as little colorful orbs, and naturally want to chase them; tugging Brendon along. "Gotta be 'shhh' now," I warned Brendon, slowing my pace some to walk alongside him.

"Why?" he asked, trying to get Will to slow down a bit as well.

"Because the green gremlin who wants to steal our vocal chords lives around here!" I said, rolling my eyes as though it was a well known fact. Brendon mouthed 'oh' to me, going along with it instead of fighting me like some people have before. It's a stupid thing to fight someone who's tripping because they're obviously seeing and hearing things you can't since they're in a different state of mind.

Somehow we had made it back to walking in the middle of the road, fortunately no cars coming near since Will and I were probably both trying to tear Brendon in half as we wandered off in our own separate directions only to be pulled back towards him. Brendon was trying to control Will than he was me but that probably comes from when Will decided he was going to escort Brendon to and from school, Gabe gave him a death threat should anything happen to Will. We've all received them so it's like an initiation thing but it scared the teen nonetheless. If Will gets hurt then it's pretty much Brendon's body at the bottom of the ocean; regardless of the efforts Gabe went through to save him. Nothing and no one matters more to that man than Will, and he lets people know.

"Can I use another one of my three wishes?" I asked, still perceiving Brendon as a wish granting teddy bear. I'm pretty sure that's how he ended up with the nickname 'Brenny-Bear' too; whenever I was high, so long as it wasn't a bad trip, I always saw him as a loveable, huggable teddy bear.

"Uh...sure..." Brendon said a bit lost, stumbling as Will suddenly tugged on his arm hard, having found something he really wanted to catch. I took my other hand and held onto Brendon's upper arm as well as his hand, holding him close to me so that Will couldn't steal him away.

"Well I only have two wishes left...can I wish for more wishes?" I tried though I already knew the answer.

"I don't think so..." he said, generally confused. "Aladdin couldn't..."

"How about wishing you to stay around forever? Can I do that?" I asked, a little smile coming over Brendon's mouth as we came within view of the bookstore now; almost home free of the gremlins. Frankie always told me that the gremlins couldn't get into the bookstore because of these sensors on the doors that would beep any time one got too near then zap them. Gremlins tend to avoid the place now. "'Cause if I can, I wish that you wouldn't ever have to leave me."

"I'm pretty sure I can do that," he answered me, making us stop to check the road for cars.

"Cool," I beamed happily, going back to holding just his hand as we crossed the road because we were free of the gremlins which meant I could keep my vocal chords for another day. I like them. When we reached the parking lot, Will began to skip lightly, swinging Brendon's arm, forcing him and I to do the same thing. It probably looked really stupid to the average person but I giggled and went along with it, listening to Will sing again, Brendon being forced into the middle.

"The hills are alive! With the sound of muuuussssiiiiccc!" Yeah, Will should probably stop watching musicals. "With songs they have sung, o'er a thousand yyeeearrrsss!" He threw one arm out to the side, lifting the one linked to Brendon high in the air as he sang, lost in his own little world. I just continued to giggle, Brendon looking slightly scared, imagining the long movie with Will in place of the main character. It only made me laugh harder. Will jumped in front of the glass doors, the motion detector clearing noticing him and parting the doors to allow entrance. He bowed for his performance and released Brendon's hand as we walked inside, a blast of cooled air smacking us dead on from the AC.

Will headed straight for the small cafe off to the side, he did say he was hungry after all, so I was left alone with Brendon to find Frank. It wasn't real busy but the books all started to talk to me, reading pages of text within their binding, trying to convince me to pick them up to read their secrets. Again I drew close to Brendon, not liking the jumbling noise, pressing my face into his arm to try and escape them. "Are you ok, Ry?" he asked, observing my sudden change in mood. I can't help it if when I'm high the world turns into a colorful version of those old school Mickey Mouse cartoons; you know, the ones where all the world has a face and is dancing along to some whistling beat. When I'm tripping, that's the world I end up in which usually isn't that bad but there are times I can't stand it.

"Books...talking and telling me to pick them..." I mumbled, squeezing my eyes shut as I clung to Brendon's arm. "I want Frankie..."

"Well where does he work?" Brendon asked, pulling his arm from my fingers and putting them around me in a hug now, my arms magnetizing around his form so my face was pressed into his chest now.

"Music," I mumbled, listening for Brendon's heartbeat to drown out all the chaotic noise around me. The noise that really wasn't there but I had no chance of convincing myself that. "S'in the back..." Brendon rubbed my back a bit then released me to take my hand. "Don't let 'em get me..."

"I won't," he promised, tightly holding onto my hand and starting towards all the shelves of various books, the talking turning into yelling and really hurting my ear. "Just focus on me," Brendon said, walking slowly so that I could keep close to him, directing me as far as I could get from the shelves and tables, looking around to find the music since he probably hadn't been in here before. It's located in a little strip mall but most people go to the actual mall. "You're doing fine, Ryan," he kept talking so that I would have something to actually focus on.

I'm not really claustrophobic but it seemed like everything was closing in on me and I was close to a panic attack, one eye shut and the other open just to make sure I didn't run into anything. Brendon figured out the way and took me through one of the sections, saying things quietly to me that I wasn't exactly paying attention to until we broke free of everything and reached the little opening in shelves that lead to the music section. It seemed to be hidden, not that I minded, and I felt relieved almost instantly. I loosened my grip on Brendon and quickly headed in to find Frank, spotting him behind the cash register counter with one hand holding his head up, the other flipping the thin pages of a magazine. "Frankie!" I chimed, Frank looking up and smiling as I let go of Brendon who seemed caught up with some Disney display anyway.

"Hey Ryan," he greeted me while I ran behind the counter, where I didn't belong, to throw my arms around him and hug him; almost knocking him over. "What are you doing here?"

"Walkin' Brendon home," I said, squeezing the older man tightly. He always makes me better. "He's a giant-wish-granting-talking-teddy bear and it's awesome." I was bragging about my nice little trip, Brendon wandering over and dropping his backpack down to the floor while Frank tried to pry me off.

"I thought Will was doing that," Frank said with a frown, getting free of my clasp and pushing me out from behind the counter even though I knew the manager.

"He's in the food area," Brendon said, straightening my scarf once again. "They're a little high...sorry...they just showed up my school like this and...yeah..." he nervously spoke to Frank who just laughed it off and pushed his magazine to the side, leaning on the counter.

"Don't worry about it," he said, smiling amusedly. "I don't think I've ever seen Will not high and I'm used to dealing with that one when he is. I've had Ryan here entire shifts before while he's been high."

"Will won't run off or anything, right? 'Cause, I had to keep him out of the road a lot on the way over..." There was a bit of fear in Brendon's large brown eyes which I stared at for a moment before turning to face Frank, a sparkly sticker on his ID suddenly getting my attention and making me reach for it.

"Everyone that works here knows that Will can't go anywhere alone or they'll meet an untimely end," Frank said, smacking my hand as I tried to get his badge. "They saw him come in with you so they won't let him leave without you, Gabe, or myself." Brendon seemed to relax, a little smile coming over his lips. "If you want to go home to get homework or something done you can. I get off in an hour and can get these two idiots back in roughly one piece."

"No!" I said suddenly, throwing my arms around Brendon to squeeze him tightly. "He's my teddy bear and I don't want him to leave!" I glared at Frank who paid more attention to Brendon's reaction that to mine, reaching across the counter to grab my scarf and pull me back.

"You're hurting him, you idiot. Brendon's still got sore spots from his wounds, remember?!" Frank reprimanded me, lightly smacking me. I hadn't even really noticed that Brendon winced when I did that, still marked with bruises and cuts. It's only been a few weeks and Gabe just managed to get his asshole father behind bars for good; after fighting off the urge to kill him. "I should hit you in the stomach."

"I'm so sorry Brendon!" The rational side of me managed to break free, horror striking my face though Brendon was very good at acting. I could only see the pain in his eyes.

"It's ok, Ry; I understand," he said, rubbing his side a little. "You didn't mean it."

"But I should have remembered! I can kinda remember things, at least important ones, when I'm high!" I softly hugged him this time, careful at how I touched him. "Sorry..."

"He needs tough love every now and again," Frank told Brendon. "Sometimes he needs to yelled at or smacked upside the head." I released Brendon with one arm to flip Frank off, hearing his signature pot-smoking laugh from behind. "Even if I have no customers, you can't be here Ry and you know it. Go read or chill in the lounge if you're staying. I get done in about an hour."

"Is Mikey here?!" I asked like a small child going to see Santa.

"As far as I know," Frank said, pulling his magazine back to read. "If you have any issues with the pot twins you can either come get me or just ask anyone who works here for help." Frank directed his attention to Brendon. "You can leave your backpack here too." He reached out as Brendon lifted the bag up, smiling gratefully and handing it over. "See you in a bit."

"Bye Frankie, I love you!" I waved, grabbing Brendon's hand and pulling him back towards the main store, oblivious to the books now as I made my way to the little brown door in the far back bearing a gray plaque reading 'Employees Only' in white lettering across it. I twisted the golden knob on the door and went inside, yanking Brendon in behind me, because this is where I usually hang out if I'm waiting for Frank to get done with a shift. "Mikey's the manager here and he's Gerard's little brother and he's really cool," I said, seeing no one in the main lounge area so I figured Mikey was in his office or out in the store.

The main lounge was like a compacted apartment, bearing a bathroom, a couple of couches, a little kitchen area that had a fridge and a microwave, and a card table. There was also a play station connected to a television and a radio. It's where employees could come for lunch and other small breaks. Mikey's office was in the corner behind a door labeled 'Manager' just because he wants to feel special but really, the only difference between Mikey and the rest of the employees is his pay and he has an office. Other than that, everyone treats each other the same here which I like. If I were to ever get myself a job, it would definitely be here. "Mikeyway!" I yelled as the door shut behind Brendon, leading him towards the little office. "You in here, Mikeyway?!"

"No," he answered, making me laugh for no reason as I threw his office door open. Mikey was sitting with his ankles crossed on his desk, messing around with his cellphone, probably texting, the radio playing softly in the background. "Hello Ryan; haven't seen you in awhile," Mikey said without looking up.

"'s been a long couple 'a weeks," I replied, letting go of Brendon's hand to pull myself onto the desk beside Mikey's feet, sitting back on my knees. "This is my wish-granting-giant-talking-teddy bear, Brendon," I introduced Brendon who stood in the door way.

"Yeah, Gee told me about it," he said, still not looking up. "Frank too. Only, they didn't include anything about wishes or teddy bears." Mikey teased, actually lifting his head to look over the top of his white rimmed glasses. He's got contacts but I think he looks better with the glasses and his strange straightened brown hair. "Hello Brendon."

"Hello," Brendon nervously greeted Mikey back.

"You can sit down, you know." Mikey looked back down to his phone as I grabbed the stapler on his desk, fascinated by the fact that he had colored staples. My fascination resulted in staples ending up in rather odd places such as my scarf and vest. "I heard you two had quite an adventure a few weeks ago."

"S'over now," I defensively replied before Brendon could even get a word in. "Brenny-Bear lives with us now thanks to Gabe and won't ever have to go back to that awful place again."

"Well I had a very distressed worker for a few days," he said, kicking me when I began to play with his stapler again. "You know anything you do freaks Frank out which is something we need to avoid because not only do I get to hear about it while working, Gee bitches to me about it. Stop doing stupid shit."

"It was important and not stupid," I frowned while setting the stapler back on the table. "It's going away now." I lifted my shirt up to show Mikey my stomach which was still darkened from fading bruises. "And it only hurts when I do this-" I hit myself to prove a point, crying out in pain after.

"Real smart," Mikey sarcastically told me, rolling his eyes and pulling his feet down so he could sit properly in his chair, sliding his phone shut so his attention was on us. "How about you there Brendon? According to Gee you got pretty banged up."

"Yeah..." Brendon quietly spoke, probably suppressing memories. If I wasn't currently in pain I probably would have shot a remark at Mikey but now he knows my weak spot so I have to be on guard since he's kind of like a scary villain or something. "It's all healing; thanks to Ryan."

"That's good." Mikey nodded, chewing on his lower lip some. "You're a senior this year, right?" Brendon nodded. "What's your plan for after you graduate? Waste your life like this idiot and my brother or try to be something like Frank?"

"I kinda want to go into something with music but school is a little out of my price range right now." Brendon rubbed the back of his neck and looked at his lap.

"I can probably get a part-time here for you if you want. It's not much but at the very least it can probably buy your books or something." Mikey offered, hitting my hand as I tried to take his glasses. I tried glasses once; not me.

"Really?" Brendon hopefully asked, sitting up a little taller. "I've been trying to get a job for awhile but with no stable home or anything..."

"I understand." Mikey's head bobbed some, making me giggle once again as I thought about those little statues you usually get at baseball games of the players who's heads bob up and down when you hit them. It made me want to hit Mikey. "Frank's fond of you, Gerard doesn't really care, and this idiot here whom I've known for some years now seems to like you so it's not like you're a complete stranger." To escape me, Mikey leaned back in his chair. "I've been offering Ryan a job for awhile so it's not like I can't figure out something. Just as long as you're not picky."

"Money is money," Brendon said with a light playful tone. "I can figure out a resume-"

"Don't worry about it. I'll work out details and have Frank bring you papers to fill out." Mikey moved his chair back against the wall as I tried to reach for his head to hit it, just to watch it bobble around. "My only rule is obviously don't come to work trashed."

"I'm not into that," Brendon said making Mikey laugh.

"Well you sure chose an interesting place to live then."

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Present Day

The walk back to the loft was silent and lonely, my arms wrapped around myself for warmth as I stared down at the ground. It's been almost a week since I was given those damn papers and I finally knew what I was going to do with them after thinking about it. No one else opinions mattered because in the end it was my decision to keep Brendon alive by a machine or to just let him go. And I had my decision.

Fortunately, the place was empty when I arrived so no one would give me much hassle. I needed to just move out and get my own place already because there was no way I could expect to be left alone when living with four other people; especially not when my boyfriend was on the borderline of life and death. The only way I would get that solitude was if I moved to my own little place where I could lock people out or let people in. Where it would be my decision and my decision only.

I guess that having decided what to do with Brendon has given me a new sense of power. Of control.

The folder was located under my mattress in my bedroom where only I could reach it to make sure no one would dare rip them up on me or hide them or anything else to try and stop me from returning to the hospital. Brendon chose me to handle his life and affairs should this situation ever arrive and though it was tearing my soul and crushing my heart, I was going to make sure I took the responsibility of the job myself. He had to of known what I would do to leave it with me because in one way or another, we all make our own destinies and fates. It all depends on how we play the cards.

I stuck the folder tight beneath my arm and gave one long, soft gaze at the half of the mattress Brendon always slept on, how we would make love in the center, before turning to go to the door. When this is done I think I'm going to go visit Mikey and see if I can get a job there to pay back the money to Gabe for all of this. I can probably get food stamps and some sort of government help, they owe it to me after all they've done to fuck my life up, to get me a new, clean life. Maybe I'll even go to college for something more advanced than working in a bookstore. I owe it to myself.

The wind was still cold so I walked at a quick place, the hospital luckily not being too far from the loft, and stood in the warmth of the heating in between the two sets of sliding doors at its entrance. The lights shone against the perfectly polished white floors, the light colored walls reflecting in the tiles. Behind a window beside the ER, the woman manning the phones gave me a small smile, probably recognizing my broken form passing through here multiple times. Or maybe it was because of the important papers I held. Either way, I returned the small favor, passing her with slightly squeaking feet to the silver elevators to head up to where Brendon was lying.

When I reached the fourth floor, I headed to the ICU unit, passing through the protective wooden doors and passing the nurses' station without a glance or a single word to room 408 where my boyfriend's body sat. His soul, I don't know where that is, but his representative shell was still here. Like he said, Will sat quietly beside Brendon, holding his hand and stroking it with his thumb as I had done when the doctor came to see me. I knocked on the door to announce myself, Will looking up with blurry eyes and smiling. "Hey Ryro," he whispered, wiping his eyes. The two had grown so close over the past few years.

"Hey Will," I softly answered, stepping completely into the room. His eyes fell to the folder and a few tears escaped the always gentle orbs, running in clean lines down his cheeks until the dripped to the floor. He knew why I was here at this particular moment and what I was going to do.

"He's getting better," Will told me though we both knew that was a lie. I kept my face straight, not offering a reply of any sort. "But he chose you so..." Will choked a bit, digging the palm of his hand into his eyes, twisting them some as though that would stop the tears. "It's late..." he whispered, releasing Brendon's hand and standing up. "Gabey will be wondering..." Will didn't even finish the sentence as he bent down to the stiff form on the bed, hooked to a variety of machines with a cocktail of medications pumping through him. "Bye Brendon," Will sobbed quietly as he did the best attempt a hug he could.

A few tears even came to my own eyes as I watched, Will lingering a moment before standing up and walking towards me since I was still by the door. "I'll be back in an hour or so," I said, Will nodding. "It's ok, Will." I held the folder to the side and put my other arm out, pulling Will into a hug where he cried onto my shoulder for a moment. "Every little thing is gonna be alright."

"I just want him to be better," Will whispered to me before standing up straight again since he's a tall person and had to bend down some. "Make him better, Ryan."

"I will," I promised with a smile. "I'm going to make it better for everyone." Will choked, the tears refusing to stop escaping his eyes. "See you later?" He nodded and tried to smile before slipping through the door which I shut behind him. I wanted to be alone for this, walking to the spot Will had just occupied and sitting down. "You know how much I hate you for making me decide like this?" I asked Brendon's motionless body as I sat in the chair. "But I guess it's because in the end, you knew what I would decide, isn't it?" No answer of course.

The very soft tunes of Disney drifted to my ears and made me smile, realizing that the CD I had brought in was playing, probably because Will had put it on. As long as it's not loud and only on when someone is here with him, the nurses don't really mind. Brendon would love it; I know he does, wherever he is. "You know you're the only person I've ever let into my life beside Frank? And he was only because he's a huge part of it." I rested the folder on my lap and slipped my hand into his cold one to do the same thing William had been doing. "You're the only person I've let into my heart. I love you so fucking much it should be illegal." I took a deep breath and shut my eyes, exhaling slowly. "That's why I hope you can forgive me for doing this but we both know that in the end, it's what I would choose, no matter how much I argue with myself."

Opening my eyes, I released Brendon's hand and stood up, placing a soft kiss to his forehead, letting my lips linger for a moment before sitting back down and turning to the table beside him where a pen just happened to be sitting. "I love you Brenny-Bear and that will never change," I whispered, opening the folder to reveal the papers and grabbing the pen, clicking the tip out then pressing it to the paper.