Categories > Games > Final Fantasy X > Red and Black
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Red and Black
(#) helluin 2006-04-11
Oh, you can't be doing what I think you're doing. evil grin Happy sigh. I don't feel confident enough to write young Auron's past, but you've fleshed out a few tantalizing hints -- son of a swordsmith -- that fit very well. No constructive critique from me this round; I'm just enjoying watching you work. Auron as a gangly teen, already demanding so much of himself, feeling an ordinary boy's fears and the first glimmers of a sexuality that monks don't get to enjoy: very poignant. Oddly, I have never considered the possibility that they might be celibate in this world, but that might explain a few things.Red and Black
(#) TrekQueen 2006-04-13
Promising! I'm interested in this age comparison of life experiences between Lu and Auron... the similarities... the differences. Can't wait for more. :)Red and Black
(#) fyre_byrd 2006-05-10
I like the idea of an Auron who is prickly about his youth and who practices bathing in cold water as a kind of punishing health regimen, or some kind of exercise in personal discipline. This amuses me as being altogether too solemn for anyone, but also in character for Auron.
I really enjoy your description of Ronso phsyiology. I find it fascinating and I like the idea that Auron is such an awkward boy he wishes he was a Ronso. I could seem him being too quiet, too serious, too self-involved and a little silly at this age. You really fit yourself well into the teenaged headspace I feel.
I like the way that both Lulu and Auron are sort of fast and loose with the romantic metaphors in their heads.
Hej, Auron masturbating amuses me greatly. I like how he thinks it's pointless and then thinks of it as proving his manhood. But goodness, getting blasted with lightning magic? He's going to be a little screwed up sexually after that if it's his first experience with exploring himself. Poor thing.
Nitpicking:
There are a lot of sentence fragments in your story. I hesitate to mention these often because usually the author says they're aware of them and they're there for effect. Here, however, what I am tending to see is that you have very long sentences constructed but you break them up by using sentence fragments. I don't think that's the most effective way of doing it. I would suggest something like this:
"The familiar little stream had hurled itself, in a very noisy way, over the same stones for years, at least for the two years he had been bathing here as a monk of Bevelle. At fourteen, two years is still a rather long time. Eventually, Auron knew, these stones would be smooth as blitzballs. They'd be worn ever smaller and smaller. Eventually their stony beings would dissipate into sediment which would be pulled along easily by even the weakest currents of the brook like pyreflies drawn to the farplane after a victorious battle."
"Even in the winter, which in Bevelle were usually not so cold to freeze flowing water, but cold enough to make him numb, blue-tinged and shivering." You could easily change this from a fragment to a sentence by the inclusion of "He bathed" at the beginning.
"He was no fan of cold weather. Or water, for that matter." Combine these sentences to avoid fragments.
"There was no one to neither see nor scold him if he didn't treat his attire with such reverence but Auron was a monk and honor, noticed or not, was paramount." Replace "neither" with "either" and "nor" with "or."
"He sometimes wished he were born a Ronso . . . " Replace "were" with "was."
"But he was human. Uncomfortably human." Use a comma rather than a period to avoid fragments.
"Auron of the familyless and fortuneless." Omit "of."
P.S. If you tell me to lay off with the sentence fragment comments I promise to stop. Lots of people defend their usage of them to the death and I myself use them ocassionally, so I understand.Author's response
Oh, THANK YOU, both for the specific feedback and nitpicking. Everyone is a gawky teen at one time, even legendary guardians. And I enjoy writing that awkwardness.
As you have guessed, I do write in sentence fragments for effect, I've a nasty habit of writing in the manner I imagine it to be read. I don't do it in formal writing, so am usually aware of it. But if you kept nitpicking that aspect in my writing, you'd be at it all day. Hah. :)
Red and Black
(#) Renay 2006-06-05
Oh, lord, Auron as a teenager! I adored this little section, all the little details he notices. He's stronger than he realizes and it comes across in how he considers his surroundings. Perhaps you are one of the fellow FFX fans that sees the church of Yevon as having strict rules about sexual acts and relationships? The end, maybe it's inappropiate, but I was grinning at Auron's ponderings and then out of nowhere, boom! Magic spell. I loved this little peek at Auron. :)
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