Categories > Original > Mystery > Mystery Man

Mystery Man

by lilyqueen777 3 Reviews

An uptake on a babysitter's point of view on the mystery man, the stalker! Please R/R!

Category: Mystery - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst, Drama - Characters:  - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2006/04/11 - Updated: 2006/04/12 - 306 words - Complete


  • Mystery Man

    (#) Ithilwen 2006-04-12 03:20:06 PM

    The word "uptake" does mean "understanding/comprehension," but I don't think it's used the way you're using it. I think you mean that this is your "take."

    You could stand to run this by a grammar beta. Commas missing, mostly.

    This is more of a frame than a story. You could build a story on it, but there isn't much there now. Why would the mystery man care about one girl and some kids? You should at least pose the question.

    Author's response

    you are right. should have not wrote it in class and than automatically update this story to my homepage as well as here...however...i think i might go back and revisit this story...i see i did miss a lot of details...
  • Mystery Man

    (#) MarkPoa 2006-08-25 07:54:36 PM

    This was a bit hard to rate. I wasn't exactly drawn into the story. I guess I didn't feel the tension enough, which is what I think you ought to be aiming for in this story. The hook is that there's a mystery man stalking the narrator, but I didn't feel the narrator's worry or paranoia or something. She just seemed rambling or the narration made her attention seem flighty.

    Still, you could probably work on this more. Add a bit more mood and details.

    A few grammar things I noticed off bat, but you're at least more coherent than some of the other works over here. :)

    Author's response

    Thanks for the comment and suggestions!

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