Me and Mikey still weren't friends, but I did speak to Frank a little now. Gerard...well that relationship has gone back to normal. Sometimes he is no mean, I think he's gonna hit me. I can see the anger in his eyes. There is no more sympathy coming from him any more. I didn't expect it to last long anyway.
I haven't been sleeping right since the abortion. I cry myself to sleep, if I can sleep that is. I promised myself that I would never do something as to get rid of a child, yet I did just that! I felt so horrible. I know that there is a chance that I may never be able to conceive another child, that is what scares me. Just because I didn't want to be mom now, doesn't mean I wouldn't want to be in the future.
It was a wednesday, and I was at school, again. On my own. It was exactly like it was in Toronto. Except every now and then, Frank would either smile, wave or say hi.
Science seemed to go on forever. Why did they teach this subject anyway? From what I can see in this room, there isn't one person who is thinking about getting a job in Science. I sighed with boredom. Kill me now.
When the bell rang, signalling the end of this period, I decided that I wasn't gonna go to Art, or lunch, or history or Math, I wanna skip the rest of the day. I knew I shouldn't have come back to school so soon.
I had all of last week off. I couldn't face going back so soon after. The whole week I was doing things I shouldn't have been doing. I still do it now, but I have some control over it now.
I went through the school gates and turned left to go back back...home? I still don't know if it's right to call it my home. When I knew I was out of sight, I searched through my bag and pulled out a half empty bottle of vodka. Yes, right at this moment I was drunk. I couldn't stop it. Because I didn't talk at school, no body could smell the alcohol on me, and just thought I was clumsy.
I gulped down some of the vodka, and it burnt my throat, yet it was soothing. I had finished the bottle before I got home. I stumbled upstairs and landed face first on my bedroom floor. I laughed hysterically to myself. I was still laughing when I opened my drawer, I was still laughing when I grabbed that razor. I was still laughing when I sliced my wrist with it. But I was no longer laughing when I started feeling dizzy.
"Shit." I muttered, a giggle passing my lips. I messily wrapped my arm in gauze and...fell asleep on my floor, pulling a blanket off my bed.
I walked with Mikey and Frank on the way home. Frank was staying the night, as his mom was out of town.
"So, what do you wanna do tonight?" Mikey asked him.
"I don't care, whatever." Mikey just nodded, "Have you seen Krissy lately? She seems really down."
Mikey replied bitterly, "No, I haven't seen her. Why do you care all of a sudden?"
"It's not all of a sudden Mikey. I've always cared about how she is." They said no more to each other.
I hadn't seen her either. I was no longer talking to her. It was weird actually. I woke up the morning after...that and was really angry at her. That hateful feeling came back overnight. I have honestly never hated someone as much as I hate her.
She thinks that just because her life is fucked up, she can get everyones attention by crying every night. Yeah, I hear her, but nobody goes to see her.
I hate that she thinks she can be okay with everything, yet if no one is paying attention to her, she is no longer okay. She's just an attention-seeker. I don't know why I bothered helping her. I should have left her with her parents.
When we got home, we went straight to the living room to watch TV. After about five minutes later, I got bored so I went down to my room. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, someone was trying to kill me with a pillow.
"What the fuck!? Get off me." I pushed the pillow away and came face to face with...a seriously shit looking girl.
"What the fuck do you want?" I snapped.
"Your mom made me come get you as your brother is busy with his guest." Her voice was raspy, and venom was dripping from every word.
I said nothing back, I just sat up in my bed leaning my head against the wall.
"You look for like shit than you normally do."
"It wasn't a compliment."
"Well I took it as one." I glared at her. She glared back. If looks could kill, we'd both be dead, "Why are you being such an asshole to me?"
"It's your fault I'm like that. You made me do something I didn't want to do. Something I had never done before."
She looked at me with confusion written all over her face, yet the anger in her eyes still visible, "What is it that I've done?" She askd, standing up, pacing round.
I stood up also and stood inches from her, "What have you done? I'll fucking tell you! It's being you! The innocent looks you give everyone, makes you look a little cute at times. Your prefect body was in my head while I was jerking-off a few weeks ago. You should never have been there. No girl has ever been on my mind while I do that, yet there you were!"
Her face still showed anger, but mainly she was very much confused.
"It was kinda Mikey and Frank's fault too though. Saying dirty things about you got me a little excited. My thoughts were only of you. Naked! Then I did what I had never done before! And I hate you for doing that to me. I fucking imagined myself screwing you!" I laughed a little, which made me seem a little crazy.
"I hate you, yet I was screwing you in my head. I imagined your sweet little voice screaming my name. That just sent me over the edge and I fucking screamed your name! THAT'S WHY I FUCKING HATE YOU MORE THAN WHAT I DID BEFORE! YOU FUCKING DID THAT TO ME! I WAS FINE UNTIL YOU CAME ALONG!" I screamed in her face.
I saw she was a little upset at my outburst. She closed her eyes, and shook her head a few times, letting everything sink in, "Gerard, stop yelling I have a fucking hangover. My head kills."
I sighed in frustration but didn't say anything, "I d-don't understand Gerard. Do you like me or something?"
"No! I fucking hate you. This is what I don't understand! I never hated anybody like I hate you! I dream of fucking murdering you sometimes!"
I wish I had never said anything. It has confused the crap out of both of us.
Before either of us could say anything else, my mom called us up.
When we got up, we were suprised to see a few suitcases by the front door.
"Mom, what's going on?" I asked her. I looked around and saw Mikey with a grin plastered on his face and Frank looking a little uneasy.
"I'm sorry honey, but you're moving back to Canada. Your uncle is here, he's taking some bags out to his car." She told the petite girl in front of me.
Mikey, Frank and mom took more of her stuff out to her uncle's car. I stayed in the spot I was in, as did she.
I was shocked when I heard her say, "Gerard? I don't have an uncle. The only uncle I had died three years ago." I could tell she was scared. I didn't say anything, and was again shocked when I felt her take hold of my hand lightly.
When they came back in, she still held onto my hand. Mom came in first, followed by Mikey and then Frank, lastly was her 'uncle' and we both mentally had a heart attack at who it was.
"Come on then princess, lets get you home." He said with a grin.
She made no attempt to move, when he noticed this, he frowned and came towards her. She held tightly onto my hand now, as I did with hers.
"Princess, our flight leaves shortly we need to get going. You have no time to say goodbye to your boyfriend, now let his hand go so we can leave." He said forcefully. She didn't do anything, which is when he got angry.
"Right we are leaving right now." He took hold of her arm and pulled her along with him, yet I still held her hand.
"LET GO OF ME!" She yelled.
"LEAVE HER ALONE!" I found myself yelling. He didn't stop.
I then felt a pair of arms around me, and knew it was my dad. How long had he been there?
"No, get off me, she can't leave!"
"Come on son, he's her uncle she'll be fine." My dad kept pulling me, and the next thing I knew, her hand was gone from mine.
"NO LEAVE ME ALONE! GERARD! GERARD!" She kept screaming.
He threw her in the car and locked it so she couldn't get out. She started banging on the window, yelling my name over and over.
I got out from my dad's grip and ran down to the car, but was too late when he drove away.
"KRISSY!" I yelled. I felt tears spill down my cheeks.
"I couldn't keep her safe. I promised I'd keep her safe." I said more to myself.
I fell to my knees outside my house and buried my face in my hands, and sobbed. I pulled myself together and went back inside to see shocked, but sympathetic looks from my parents, and confused looks from my brother and his friend.
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE FUCKING DONE!" I screamed, and stomped back to my room, slamming the door behind me.
As I cried more, I remembered seeing her arm as she let go.
She promised me she would never do that again.
I noticed the little red scars on her arms as she was being taken away by Todd.
What do I do? What can I do?
I was desperately searching my brain for anything that can help me with getting her back here, and safe.
It had been almost a week, so for all I know she could already be dead.
No, don't think like that Gerard, you idiot! I didn't know where she had gone. Todd could have been telling th truth, they may have gone back to Canada, but then again, they could be just down the street.
I just didn't know. I didn't have her number, and Mikey had deleted it, so I couldn't get it from him. Frank never had her number to begin with, and Rebecca and Sophie didn't either.
There wasn't any one who could help me with this! I feel so angry. I should have told my parents something about Todd, but no, I had to keep my mouth shut!
I just hope she's okay.
I haven't been out of my room much, just for school, and even then I skip most of the day. I can't concentrate on anything. She has been on my mind 24/7. I just want some of sign telling me she is still alive and that she's okay.
It was a Monday, and I really didn't want to go to school today, so I didn't, although my mom did yell at me, saying school was important and because it was my last year, I should go.
I came up from my room to get as many beers as I could find. But for some reason, my brother got in my way.
"Why aren't you at school?" I asked him, annoyed that he had stopped me from getting what I desperately needed.
"I could ask you the same thing. Gee, this isn't healthy. You can't keep getting drunk for no reason."
"Mikey, there is a reason for it, I'm just not saying." I snapped.
He sighed, "Has this got something to do with Krissy?" I said nothing, "Gerard! Why are you so worried about her huh? I thought you hated her?"
"I do, but there are things I can't explain right now Mikes. Now let me get my beer." I pushed past him and searched the fridge finding only three cans left.
I took them all, and went back to my room, drinking every last drop. It did nothing to make me feel better. If anything I now feel worse than I did before.
She wouldn't want me to drink. If she was in some sort of trouble she would either want me to not care and get on with my life or help her. And drinking wasn't doing any of those things was it?
But, I don't want to not care, I want to help her. But how the fuck can I do that when I don't know where in the world she is!?
This is so frustrating. My head hurts.