Harry learns of Dumbledore's manipulations on the eve of his seventeenth birthday and decides to take things into his own hands, coping with the fact that he is the richest and most powerful wizard...
- Very cliched, you need to make this much longer to have any chance of pulling this off, I can probably guess that this is your first fanfic, therefore it is traditional for the first piece to be rushed, I'm not sure who said this but one author said that all first time or near first time authors try to get all there ideas out in the first chapter. So far there are no origional ideas, I once enjoyed fics liked this but I find to many of them now. Your spelling needs checking and so does your sentence structure, I am no expert (far from it) but I do know that you need to vary sentence length to interst the reader. You also made a huge error by posting your story and the names of the chapters before you actually posted any of the story, in the future try to write or at least half write a thew chapters before you post the first, then you can always post quick if people demand updates or some shit like that. Harry's reaction to the news was explained too briefly, yes you do have him fainting but you need to explain in more detail how James Potter was the heir of three founders and Lily was mistaken for Muggleborn, this is a hard feat to accomplish because you have to explain around the fact that Dumbledore can pass something off which is so important so easily. The phenix on the chest has also been used a thousand times in the past but can be made intersting if ther is a deeper meaning to it. As I said before you need to space out your ideas with more description, an average for me is about 4000 words per chapter, I don't know who said that wa about the best length, but you will find most fanfics are on average 4000 words, tis can acchieved by having just a few ideas but stretching them further so that it adds depth to the story.
Your grammer also needs checking and I'm sorry that this is negative, believe me when I say nearly everyone gets one of these reviews which are totally annoying, I got like ten on a story I did for fanfiction.net, it was my first one so I wasn't reported for copying, however I had to withdraw it.
Oh well, I'll read and review your work, but they will be much shorter, from now on, kk. Cya
Thankx for the review and ill make the changes as soon as i can or well as soonas i get bak form my holidays
(#) fallenangel700 2011-07-26 05:23:03 AMIt's very short and you could have done more to streach it out a bit.The fact harry has loads of famous ancestors A.K.A the founders and that he owns Hogwarts is kind of cliched as is the everything coming out because of sirius.