I suck at these.
My confession is this, it’s taken all of these things to happen to me to realize that I really do still love you more than anything ever. I won’t pretend that when we first broke up all I wanted to do was to see your tombstone. But those were emotions not long lived. It’s taken the relationship and heartbreak with Frank to make me come back to you after six months of silence. It took the fall out with Alicia and me being kicked out of the apartment to be able to call you home again. It took all the on again, off again emotions from Pete to make me be able to call you someone I could be with happily. And now, it has taken this thing to make me realize that it isn’t worth it. No matter how far away from me you get, with your tours and your interviews, I will always love you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me, and the day I lose you is the day I lose my last reason to live.
I can’t explain why it feels like I’m about to cry everyday. How every waking second of my life is darkened by the black shadows of fear and regret...
I hope you can forgive me for what I have to do now. I hope that you know while everything happened, I was thinking about you. I love you, Gerard Way, more than life itself. Know that, if you know nothing else.
-Forever yours, Katarina ”
She had heard about this type of thing long ago. She had read it in a book, or saw it on a crime drama show, but since then, she knew it was going to be her plan. So, painstakingly, for months she began to collect what she would need to perform her last great show.
The blood flowed out onto the carpet, but not from one might expect. Instead of slicing open a vein, Kat sliced open a bag of blood, dribbling it deliberately across her cream colored floor. She left a pool on her couch, and it ran back and forth, leaving the idea that maybe she had been attacked and was trying to get away from an attacker. She put some on her hand, grabbing the phone and pressed the ‘9’ button before dropping the receiver onto the floor. No one was to know the truth. It was to be her secret, the one she would take to her grave, even if everyone would think that the grave came much sooner than it really was.
She never actually planed on this, but it was something she did now in desperation. It was her drinking, her drugs, her cutting, to numb the pain. It was something that took little pain but large amounts of patience and dedication. And now, as the deed was almost done, Kat was almost proud of everything that this would mean. She wasn’t going to get what she wanted, but she was about to get something close to what she needed to at least survive.
Quickly and quietly she left the apartment. There were clothes hidden away in her trunk, and money to get more once she was gone from the hell she had gotten herself into. There was one thing she had left to do, one final part of all of this before she could actually do what ever it was she had to do. So she drove about an hour away from the place she called home, settling in a tiny town just over the Pennsylvania border known as Monroeville that her best friend told her about once for three days. It was then that she read about the thing she had been waiting for.
The morning of she got up early. The first thing she did was run down to the local store and bought a bottle of hair bleach. It was harsh, she knew it, but it would work. She put all of her waist length black hair into the sharp smelling liquid and gave it almost three full hours to settle. What came out was almost translucent, waist length hair. After soaking conditioner into her hair for most of another hour, she mixed in what she called the final ingredient, a full bottle of silver hair dye, and a full bottle of blonde hair dye. The final result was something beautiful and different. In the shower after she made sure to remove all traces of eyeliner, something she never did, along will all of her nail polish. Carefully she removed the silver hoops that ran up the entirety of her ears, along with the diamond stud from her nose. She wore an elegant black dress and large black hat, along with sunglasses that covered most of her face. It was risky, trying what she was trying, but she had to be there.
She sat mixed in with everyone. Staying in the back, she knew, would have drawn too much attention to her. Kat counted off each person in her head that should have been there. Frank, front row next to Mikey. Ray is there too, along with Bob. Good, they all showed. Adam, I saw him when I came in, and of course he brought his Matt and Fred to cry on. Peter brought Brendon and Patrick, but I wonder why Ryan didn’t come too… wait, there he is. Silly boy with no bladder. If they are here, most of DecayDance will be mixed and hidden in the crowd. Hey, there’s Alicia. Why is she holding Mikey’s hand? Are they together now? Kat’s mind wondered as the group if people who flooded in around her settled into seats facing a podium with a large square something covered in cloth.
Everyone around her was in tears, and just seeing the people she cared about crying made Kat cry as well. But that wasn’t what broke her heart. What it was, the decisive thing, really, was the empty seat on the other side of Frank. Kat knew who it was for. She also knew who wasn’t going to be there. The ceremony ran on into twilight, just as if Kat had been there, planning it from the beginning. She saw everything play out, the sweet words from her friends and ex lovers, she watched as they burned roses and violets, something she thought was significant for the end of life, each piece of the funeral was something she wanted it to. It was at the end, when the Priestess was closing the ceremony by putting out the candles, that there was the sound of footfalls, loud and speeding towards the little gathering. Everyone, Kat included, turned their heads to see the man rushing down the aisle. He found his seat, front row next to his friend, and then hung his head as if in shame. The whole place was in an uproar of disgruntled whispers. How dare he barge into the funeral with only mere moments left? He should have just staid home. She never really mattered to him, anyway.
Kat staid quiet, looking at the back of the black hair that hung limp and damp from the latecomer’s head. She felt sick, just seeing him. And as the funeral, her funeral, progressed and then ended, she watched as Mikey reached around him to comfort him. Kat had read in the paper it had been this latecomer’s misfortune to discover the scene of the crime. She felt sorry for him, but only in small increments.
As the last of the crowd began to disperse, Kat saw it was Gerard who lingered, standing beside what was now her grave. She didn’t go to him, standing back out of sight as he waited until everyone, even his brother and best friends, had left. Then he crouched down, kneeling next to what was to be considered the last resting place of the girl who stood behind him and loved him still.
“Kat, I’m sorry, but I don’t think you are gone. I would know it. I would have felt the life leave you and leave this earth. And I will never stop searching for the truth. I love you.”
Kat smiled, looking at him as he fell silent. She almost wanted to jump out. She almost wanted to shout “SIKE” and let what ever came from it to come. But she didn’t. Instead she turned away and began to leave, but not before whispering back to him.
“If you do love me, you will find me. Save me, Gerard.”
Now come one, come all to this tragic affair. Wipe off that make-up, what’s in is despair. So throw on the black dress, mix in with the lot… I’d encourage your smiles, I’ll expect you won’t cry!