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Steve and Roger are fans of iCarly. Then they hear she's doing a concert at the Civic Center. But is she all what she seems? You'll love this B-Movie spoof of The Slime People. If you're an Ame...
A Slime-ican Idol
by Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
Roger's disguise: Scotch Bingington
One Friday afternoon, The Smith family are having dinner and conversation.
Stan: So you see, Francine, that's why reality shows don't make good movies. 'From Justin to Kelly' is the obvious example!
Francine: Yes, that was a disaster! Especially casting the people who've won the first two seasons!
Klaus: Yes, heaven help us all if they ever make a movie about Dancing With The Stars!
Steve and Roger look at each other and tune their watches.
Steve: Almost time! 5 more minutes!
Roger: Synchonize your swatches!
Stan: Synchonize your swatches? What is this? 'Parker Lewis Can't Lose' all of a sudden?
Francine: If you like that show, Steve, you're stuck in the past! That she hasn't had a new episode in 15 years.
Steve: No, we're not waiting for that! We're waiting for iCarly! I never even heard of that show!
Roger: Yes, it's our favorite show on Nickelodeon!
Hayley: Those shows are for prepubesent girls with infintile brains!
Steve: That's why I like it! I'm in love with Miranda Cosgrove!
Steve and Roger are watching iCarly.
Roger: Geez, that Sam is a psycho.
Steve: Indeed she is. She's supposed to be from a trailer trash criminal family.
Roger: What the hell is wrong with Freddie?
Steve: He's the punching bag of the show. I indentify with him. Pushed around by bullies, babied by his mother.....
Roger: I like Spencer! I wish I lived with someone like him! I hated the episode about Carly's Grandfather! Her Grandfather seemed to be strict and wanted to ruin her fun! He reminded me of Stan! And where they hell is Carly's mother? Is she a drug-addicted prostitute in rehab for something?
Steve: Remember that episode, something saved her at the last minute just like in all sit-coms where a character is about to face certain doom. Nobody knows what happened to her mother, and her father is in the military.
Reginald walks in.
Steve: Hi, Reginald! Still dating my sister?
Reginald: Hey, dudes! Can't help but notice you're watching Miranda Cosgrove!
Roger: Yes, me and Steve are big fans!
Reginald: Well, guess what? Ole' Reggie's got one big-ass surprise for you all..... (holds front row seat tickets)
Steve: Awesome! You got us tickets to see Miranda Cosgrove?
Reginald: Yes, indeed! Front row! She's playing here in Langley Falls at the Civic Center!
Roger: (takes the tickets) Oh, boy! We are so there!
Steve: Thanks, Reginald!
Roger and Steve were just about to leave and Klaus stops them.
Klaus: Excuse me, can I come, too? I get so sick of being cooped up in this house!
Roger: Oh, all right! Fine! But no tricks or funny business!
Roger, Steve and Klaus are in line to see the concert. Roger is disguised as Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch.
Roger: I got an idea, if she sees us in the row, I'll have her sing a duet with me! (holds a piece of paper)
Klaus (takes the paper and reads it): Oh, mein God! You can't make her sing this!
Steve (sees paper): He's right! This is supposed to be a kid's concert.
Roger: It's a song from that band Korn! It's called 'Bitch, We Got a Problem'!
Steve: We'll get kicked out!
Klaus: Don't you care about the rules, Roger?
Roger: Of course not! I'm a rebel! Don't you guys get that about me by now?
Turlington is in the ticket booth.
Steve (sees Turlington): Oh, no!
Klaus: Not _him_ again!
Roger: Great! It's Turlington Coat Factory!
When they reach the ticket booth, Turlington takes the tickets.
Turlington: Hmmm, these seats are front row! Looks crazy-ass suspicious! I'm Turlington, ticket collector and I've been assigned to be Miranda Cosgrove's bodyguard.
Steve: Don't worry, we'll be good!
Turlington: You better be. Because I'll be watching you!
In the Civic Center, Turlington comes out and explains the rules.
Turlington: Okay, this is a family-oriented concert. No profanity, no violent or explicit acts or lyrics of any kind! Now, here's the girl of the hour, Miranda Cosgrove!
Turlington whispers a warning into Miranda's ear before she performs. Turlington goes to the audience.
Miranda comes out and everybody cheers for her, especially Steve, Roger, and Klaus. She sings two of her songs until she sees them in the front.
Miranda: Hey, you all in the front row! Come on up!
Steve: Oh boy! This is it! Moment of truth!
Miranda: So, what brings you two here?
Steve: We're really big fans of your show! And this is my cousin, Oliver!
Roger: Yes, we love you, Miranda! I want to sing a duet with you. (hands her the paper).
Miranda (reads the paper): Okay! Any particular reason?
The band that was playing also saw the song on paper and looked shocked.
Roger (sobs): My father died in Iraq!
Miranda: Ooooh. That's too bad! Let's sing it!
Roger and Miranda sing the Korn song verse by verse. Everyone in the audience and the band is shocked. Turlington is watching in the distance pulling his hair out of his head. Once the song is done, everyone in the audience clapped, and Steve approaches her and sees something is not right.
Steve: Hey, Miranda? Would you like to go on a date with me?
Miranda turns to Steve and she morphes into a slime monster and starts wrecking havoc on the Civic Center and everyone runs away scared.
Roger (screams): She's really a slime monster! Let's get the beep outta here!
Klaus: I'm with you!
Steve, Roger, and Klaus ran out of the Civic Center. The Slime Monster is throwing spears all over the place.
Roger: It's an evil plot by Nickeldeon!
Klaus: Yes, they created the Slime Monster so they can kill their fans!
Just then they are confronted by Turlington.
Steve (nervously): Hi, Mr. Turlington, sir...... (laughs)
Roger: Yes, nice weather we're having....
Turlington: I knew there was something up with you three! I'm taking you in!
Roger: If you're going to interrogate us, can you get Barney Miller to do it?
Turlington: You guys made Miranda Cosgrove sing an explicit heavy metal song and turned her into a Slime Monster!
Klaus: Okay, that's it! Let's get him!
Roger (blowing a horn): CHARGE!!!!
Steve, Roger, and Klaus beat up Turlington and run away.
Turlington (talking on a cellphone): Officer down! Officer down! Call the police! Call the police! (putting down the cellphone) Hey, wait a minute! I'm the police! (falls over)
Hayley is driving Jeff's van, who's been attacked by a spear in the shoulder by the Slime Monster.
Hayley: Don't worry, Jeff! I'll get you to the hospital! You'll be fine.
Jeff (shoulder cracks): My shoulder dislocated, dude! screams in pain
Meanwhile, Stan and Francine were walking out of the grocery store with groceries in their cart.
Stan: So you see, Francine, that's why Saturday Night Live sketches don't necessarily make good movies. 'Coneheads' and 'A Night At The Roxbury' being the obvious examples.
Francine: 'Wayne's World' and 'The Blues Brothers' were good.
Just then, Roger, Steve, and Klaus were running down the street screaming,
Stan: Why the hell are you screaming like a bunch of girls at a Justin Bieber concert?
Roger (sarcastically): That's not what we were doing! We were reenacting the opening credits to 'A Hard Day's Night', alright?
Steve: It's Miranda Cosgrove! She turned into a Slime Monster!
Klaus: And she's attacking the city!
Stan: And so it's happened.....
Francine: What are you talking about?
Stan: Everytime a Nickelodeon icon puts on a concert and is pressured to break the rules by a crazed fan, they turn into a Slime Monster. Made out of the same Nickelodeon slime they use to slime their fans with! Roger, Klaus! Come to the CIA with me. Roger, put on a miltary disguise, oh, and bring Reginald, too!
Roger (saluting and accidentally hitting Stan): Ai! Ai! Captain!
Stan: Ouch!!!! Son of a bitch!!!!
At Channel 3 studios, Greg and Terry are doing a news broadcast about the Slime Monster.
Newscast song plays.
VO: Breaking News! Live from Channel 3!
Greg: Terrible tradegy today! Pop star Miranda Cosgrove turned into a Slime Monster!
Terry: Yes, it looks like a huge T-Rex, and it happened after she was told to sing a horrid heavy metal song!
Just then the Slime Monster breaks into the news studio.
Greg: Oh, my gosh! It's here!
Terry: It's come for us! Hold me!
Greg and Terry hold each other and run away, and the Slime Monster breaks apart the studio and roars. Then the Slime Monster throws two spears that both land in their buttocks.
Greg and Terry: (screaming in pain)
Terry: Call an ambulance!
Greg: Get me my proctologist! Tell him we both have spears in our asses!
Somewhere in the wilderness, in a parking lot of a local bar, a bunch of drunken rednecks were shooting off guns and racing each other in pickup trucks. Gunshots and engines are heard.
Redneck #1: YAAAAAA-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Redneck #2: WOOOOOOO-WEEEEEEE!!!!
Redneck #3: Look at me, I'm Larry the Cable Guy! Git 'r Done!!!!
Just then the bartender comes out to confront them.
Bartender: Hey! I'm tryin' to run a bar here! This ain't to Monster Truck rally!
Redneck #1 (getting out of his pickup truck): Get th' hell outta here!
Redneck #2 (getting out of his pickup truck): We'll be here if we want!
Redneck #3: (getting out of his pickup truck): This is 'upposed to be a free country ain't it?
Bartender: Just all of you, SHUT UP!!!!
Redneck #2: SHUT UP!!!!
The Bartender goes back in the bar disgusted.
Redneck #1: Yeah, this used ta be a free country!
Redneck #2: Until socialism took over!
Redneck #3: Dem socialists want to take away our guns!
Redneck #1: And our fast food!
Redneck #2: Yeah, and our so-dee pop!
Redneck #3 (holding a bundle of fireworks): Let's shoot off these fireworks!
The rednecks agree to do so, just when they are about to shoot off the fireworks, two spears flew down and killed two of the three rednecks.
Redneck #3 (laughing): Is this some kind of prank ya guys are pulling! Sho' is funny! (laughing)
The redneck's laughing subsides when a roar is heard. It was the Slime Monster. The redneck sees it and is terrified as the Slime Monster slowly and surely walks up to the hapless redneck.
Redneck #3 (terrified): WHO ARE YOU?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!
The Slime Monster stabs the redneck with a spear, causing a deep cut to his abdomen.
Redneck #3: (screaming in pain until he dies)
Later at night, at the CIA building, Stan, Bullock, Roger, Reginald, and Klaus were stratagizing a plan.
Bullock: Smith, since you're the one who reported this catastrophy about the Slime Monster, you're the only one I can trust with this.
Stan: Thank you, sir! And I want you to meet my good friend and confidate, Col. Tom Edwards.
Roger was dressed in a military uniform.
Roger: Col. Tom Edwards, here. And I just thought of a plan to get this Slime Monster.
Bullock: What's your plan, Colonel?
Roger: We catch the monster in a net, tie it up, and make it watch lame WW2 comedy movies! Like 'McHale's Navy Joins The Air Force', 'Imitation General', and '1941'!
Bullock: I expected a lot more from you considering your military experience!
Stan: Yeah, and how dare you make fun of my favorite WW2 comedy movies!
Klaus: From what I learned Slime Monsters are attracted to high beams in a car!
Reginald: Yes, man! All we need to do is get somebody to drive a car with their high beams on, ya dig? Then we lure the asshole Slime Monster into an abandoned cornfield!
Bullock: Excellent idea, Reginald! And we have a tank we can use to blow it up with an oxygen bomb!
Roger: You built an oxygen bomb?
Bullock: Indeed we have! Hoping we never had to use it. Because Slime Monsters breathe nitrogen and hate oxygen!
Stan: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's kick some slimy ass, already!
Bullock: Okay, let's go get the tank, and I'll be there to monitor your progress!
Roger (bursts out laughing): Monitor your progress! Just something about hearing that in a British accent!
Back at the Smith House, Francine and Steve are home in the living room.
Francine: Hey, Steve. How come you're not watching iCarly?
Steve: I'll never watch it again! If I hear anything more about iCarly, or the Slime Monster it'll be too soon!
Just then the Slime Monster breaks into the Smith house. Francine screams and the monster carries Steve away.
Steve (screaming): MOMMY!!!!!!
Francine gets her cellphone to call Stan.
Francine (calling Stan): Urgent emergency, Stan! Steve got kidnapped by the Slime Monster!
Stan was at the cornfield.
Stan (on his cellphone): Okay, Francine, here's what I want you to do...
Stan: Drive your car to an abandoned cornfield, you'll see a lot of people there. Then turn on your high beams and have the Slime Monster follow you!
Francine: Okay, I'm on it!
Stan: And another thing?
Stan: Don't quote any songs from Foreigner anymore! That band sucks hardcore!
Scene 9 Conclusion:
Francine was driving the SUV with the high beams on to the abandoned cornfield with the Slime Monster in tow. Everyone in Langley Falls was on the scene. Stan and Roger were on the tank getting ready to fire.
Reginald: I see her man, man! She's coming right this way!
The Slime Monster was in the middle of the abandoned cornfield still carrying Steve.
Bullock: Okay, ready Smith?
Stan: Ready as a drunken sailor at a Hooters tailgate party, sir!
Francine stopped the SUV and ran out of the car.
Francine: Stan! It's got our baby!
Roger (sitting on the gun barrell of the tank) Don't worry, Francine! Col. Tom Edwards here is going to make the decision to FIRE!!!
Klaus: Fire at will!
Stan and Roger both shot the oxygen bomb from the tank. Then the oxygen bomb successfully lands on the Slime Monster, thus letting go of Steve. The Slime Monster was dead.
Klaus: We did it, success!
Reginald: This world has one less pop star to worry about!
Stan: Yeah, just one!
Bullock: Well, done Smith! You get a medal for this! And so do you, Reginald! We couldn't have done this without you!
Bullock pins medals on both Stan and Reginald. And one on Roger as well.
Roger: That's right! That's because he's so....
Reginald looks at the screen.
Chorus (singing): Cute as a button!
Roger (still sitting on the tank): Yahoo! Yahoo! Yahoo! Don't mind me I'm just renacting that scene from Dr. Strangelove where some dude was riding on a bomb! (gets off tank).
Steve: Wow, Dad! You're a hero!
Francine: And you got a medal, you should be so proud!
Stan: Let's go celebrate!
Roger: I know how we can celebrate!
Roger (in British accent): By monitoring his progress!
Everyone laughs and Stan feels annoyed.
Stan: Hmmm, typical! I save the town from a Slime Monster and become a hero and this is how I'm repayed. Oh beep
Klaus(comes up the the screen): He tempered in God's domain! As a final word my friends, you have seen these incidents based upon sworn testimony. Can you prove it didn't happen?