This is one of those things where, because you feel like you can't tell anyone you know, you tell everyone you don't.
This is one of those times where, because you feel like you can’t tell anyone, you tell everyone.
Maybe you don’t deserve to complain. But maybe you just might fall apart if you don’t.
So maybe you’re in love. And maybe he’s beautiful. And maybe he’s soft and gentle with you. And maybe he holds you tight, and tells you that you are beautiful, and perfect and that he doesn’t want you to change a thing. And he tells you that you’re shiny.
But maybe, he’ll go from making you feel like the only person in the world one day, to making you feel like you are his everything, from barely speaking to you the next day. Maybe he’ll go from being blissful and energetic to brooding and pensive. But maybe it’s not his fault. Maybe it’s out of his control. Maybe he can’t help it.
So you start to feel isolated. You start to think, maybe you just aren’t shiny to him anymore. You start to think, it isn’t worth it. Maybe you’re each better off alone. And you stay up late, and you read your books, and listen to your songs and hope that maybe, he’ll call for you. But he won’t. You’ll tell him goodnight, and that you love him, and you’ll lay there in your sheets, clutching your phone. You’ll lay there and pray that it’ll be one of those nights where he tells you he wants to give you the moon and stars, and that you are his everything. But it’ll just be a night where he says goodnight, and I love you. Or maybe, he won’t even say that.
And sometimes, you want to ask him. You want to just say, leave me. Let me go if you don’t want me. But you don’t. Because even though you know you’re right, and that he feels nothing from you, you like to lie to yourself. You like to pretend that you are wrong. And you think that if you’d mention it, you’d make him agree even if he didn’t. So you don’t do anything. You just wait around and watch him change his mind every day.
Meanwhile, there’ someone who tells you that you are smart. And that you are beautiful and perfect. That you are wonderful and glorious and inventive. Except he’s in love with someone else. And he calls you his brother, even though you aren’t related.Maybe he's the only one in your corner. Maybe he holds your hand, and tells you to stop hurting yourself. Maybe he talks you through thing, so that you don't make yourself sick. So that your dad's razors stop disappearing. Maybe he keeps on saving you, and you just wish you could lay your head on his chest and stay there because you know you won't get hurt tht way.
You know he loved you once, but you didn’t see it then. And you know you love him now. But you don’t know if you want to kiss him all over and be all his, or if you’d rather he just hold you and protect you and tell you that everything will be fine.You can’t tell if you want him to be your lover or your not related brother. You can’t tell.
So now you’ve got two people you’re in love with. And you’re confused about both of them.
Maybe your mother hates you and loves you. Maybe she loves you half the time. Maybe she lies about most things. Maybe you love your dad, but he’s angry all the time because he’s getting divorced with your mom, who’s already seeing someone else. Maybe your family is crumbling.
And maybe more than anything, you wanna leave this fucking town. You wanna leave everything and everyone in it behind, because it’s gotta be better out there. It has to.
But you can’t leave yet. So you read your books and listen to your songs. You walk outside and you sit and you stare at the sky. You lose yourself and you try to be numb. You try not to care, but you know that’s just not who you are. So you feel everything over the top, and everything is heightned to make up for every little thing you’re holding back. So when you laugh, you can’t stop for ten minutes. Maybe you watch sad movies for an excuse to cry for a long time. Maybe you get on the scale every day and want to scream when the number is a half pound too high. Maybe you obsess over your weight because it feels like the one thing you can actually control right now.
Maybe you’re crying while you write this.
But maybe you don’t deserve to complain. So instead of talking to the people you should, like the boy you love who doesn’t care every other day, or the brother who you aren’t related to, you tell all these people you don’t know. Because to them this is all fiction, and hopefully it seems clever and different, while to you it’s just a way to get all these things out so you don’t choke on them.
Because this shouldn’t matter to everyone else.
Because everyone’s problems are the biggest to them.
Because it’s not their fault that you aren’t shiny anymore.
And it’s not their fault your mother is a liar.
And it’s not their problem that you don’t know how you feel about your brother that you love, but you don’t know how you love him.
And it doesn’t really matter to them that you can’t escape.
Because this is just a story after all, right?
Kind of a rant. Obviously not as fictional as it should be, haha. Like I said, this is me telling everyone I don't know, because I can't tell anyone I do. Hope you liked it. Thanks for reading. Rates and Reviews are appreciated. xoxo.