A little one shot. Sad.
Its days like those when I can’t help but fall back into it, back into him; what I have left of him. I can be writing at my desk or stirring a pot of noodles or just lying on the couch in front of the television when out of nowhere his scent will come so intensely to me, enveloping me in a cocoon that I cannot escape and in the next moment I’m curled on the floor just trying to breath. Desperately grasping at the memory of the way his skin felt on mine in the middle of the night, in the light of the morning. It’s been sixty-seven days since I’ve felt his skin. I can feel my lungs struggling to keep their air and all my other organs, but my chest feels hollow without my heart. He took it when he left and I’m too tired to try to find it. I’m not sure that I’d want it without him anyways. What use would it be?
It’s a day like today.
I’m huddled in the corner of my room, my back pressed against the wall. Gasping, I tighten my hold on my knees, pulling at them to close the gap between my chest, sure that if I don’t I’ll shatter into as many pieces as my kaleidoscope and I’ll be lost. I try to calm my breathing, my nose assaulted with the scent that sent me into the panic in the first place. An old grey sweater. HIS old grey sweater. It’s wrapped around me now, the hood protecting my face from view as I hide inside it, hide inside the memories locked in the fabric of an old grey sweater.
“Kaelin? Come in here, I have something to show you!” I can hear his call from our bedroom across the hall, the excited lift in his voice urging me from my chair before I can hit send.
His smile is the first thing I can see, his arms pulled behind his back as his eyes twinkle with delight at my swift appearance. I can feel my own lips pulling up at the corners, two years having done nothing to stop the quickening thump of my heart at the sight of him.
Slowly, his arms draw away from his back, a black square within his hands. A camera. I can feel my eyes widen and sting. I had broken my camera earlier in the week, dropping it down a stairwell in our building. A new camera was not something I could afford for a few months and I had planned on borrowing one of my colleagues for the next couple weeks to finish up the few projects I had left until I could get a new one.
“How did you afford this?” I look up at him beaming.
“I promised to always take care of you, didn’t I?” I carefully take the camera out of his hands, tucking it gently onto our dresser before wrapping my arms around his neck, my lips already crashing into his. We barely make it to the bed.
Time passes and I’m still crouched in the corner of our bedroom, crying into the soft fabric of his old sweater. Large, fat droplets free themselves from the spidery cage of my eyelashes and cut jagged paths down my cheeks like the strokes of his paintbrush on the canvases in his studio down the hall. The camera lies forgotten on the dresser, pictures that remain unlooked at and unloaded locked within it’s memory. It’s just another reminder of what I’ve lost and I can’t stand to even look at it now.
“Kaelin?” I don’t remember hearing any knocking but nothing beyond my memories is real right now. I try desperately to pull those memories back in front of me, grasping at the image of his face as it blurs out of view, his voice trailing away on a wind that doesn’t exist in my small corner of the room.
“Kaelin? Are you home?” This new intrusion with its loud footsteps on the hardwood floors and opening and closing doors is making my memories fade faster. Frantically I cry, sniffing deeply into the fabric of that old grey sweater to recapture his face, his voice, his scent, any little piece of him that I can hold onto, any little piece to bring him back to me.
The bedroom door opens and even with my eyes clamped hopelessly shut I can feel my memory intruders presence, can feel his pitying gaze on me, holed up in the far corner of my room, wrapped in an oversized old grey sweater, salt tears racing down my cheeks. I don’t have to open my eyes to see him come closer, sitting cross legged in front of me before reaching out to gather me up into his arms.
“Oh Kaelin.” I’d like to wrap my arms around him in return but they don’t move from my knees where they’re still holding me together. I’m afraid to let them go in case I break again. His hands rub along my back, soothing circles, before his hand moves to push my hood away from my face, no longer a hiding place I can use. “What are you doing up here? Have you gone to your appointment?” My mute answer doesn’t seem to bother the intruder, my eyes trained on a small dent in the wall, almost hidden by the bed.
“Fuck Kael! I said I was sorry!” Crossing my arms over my chest, I stand in the arch of the door, my frown instant.
“I heard you, I just don’t believe you!” He paces the hardwood before me, shaking his head and puffing out sighs between gritted teeth, a failed attempt at reclaiming some sort of calm.
“I’m telling you it’s the truth! I don’t know who that girl is and I didn’t sleep with her! Goddammit Kaelin! Why don’t you believe me?” There’s a pleading in his voice, beneath the anger, and it’s ripping a path along my heart, tearing little pieces away to give themselves to him, an offering that I don’t want to make.
“Because you lied about where you were! How can I trust that this is the truth? How can I trust you at all?!” Hot tears fall from my eyes as I storm out of the room and I can hear the pound of his fist into the wall, the cracking of the drywall and the splinter of paint, the blood of his knuckles smearing itself onto the wall I’ll clean off in a few hours when I return.
“He didn’t cheat on me Mikey. I didn’t believe him, but he didn’t.” Mikey hushes my soft murmur, his arms still rocking me on his lap, my tears falling beneath the grey fabric onto my collarbone where they catch for a moment, desperately clinging on, before falling to their deaths. “If I had just believed him when he told me than none of this would have ever happened…if I had just listened to what he was saying…he wouldn’t be gone now.” Mikey’s fingers are on my chin, lifting my face to look at his own and his gaze is too much, his eyes are too similar to the ones I want to see looking back at me, his lips shaped so alike the ones that I want before my own and I can’t look at him any longer, my eyes dropping back to the floor, my whole body shaking as he sighs above me.
“Kaelin…none of this is your fault sweetheart. You couldn’t have stopped what happened, it was beyond all of our control.” I’m shaking my head violently now, my eyes narrowed as I lift them to meet his.
“No! I did this. I pushed him away, further and further and if I had just listened, if I hadn’t kicked him out than none of this would have happened!” My breathing is out of my control now as I shove Mikey away from me, his touch making me flinch in my panic. I’m up and stumbling out of the room, a flood of scents and sounds and images assailing me as I remember and I can feel myself giving up the fight for consciousness before it’s even begun.
“Gerard? Gerard what happened? Oh god…oh god, no! No!” I drop to my knees, rolling him onto his back and I have to stop myself from gagging. There’s so much blood. The metallic smell of it stings my nose, chokes my throat as I gasp. “Gee? Gerard! Can you hear me? Please baby, please just answer me!” His eyes are barely open, the black irises huge amidst the hazel that I’d always loved so much, the color blurred against the glass that seems to have formed overtop of it.
“Kaelin…” His voice is quiet, like he’s about to tell me a secret. “I’m so sorry…I just wanted to see you again.” He coughs a little and the tears are rolling down my cheeks, my head shaking like it’s the one action that his body is going to listen to, my lips forming the word “no” over and over again, like a mantra, without the voice to acknowledge it. “I love you so much.”
“Gerard! Gerard, no! Just look at me! The ambulance is on their way! Just hang on Gerard, please! I need you! Please don’t leave me!” I don’t know if he can hear me any longer, his breathing is slowing and there’s blood on his lips, there’s blood on my hands and my clothes as I hold my hands to his chest, trying desperately to keep the blood inside of him but it pours out of him with an endless supply and the tears in my eyes are so thick I can barely see anything beyond the red.
I can feel the couch beneath my back and legs, know that Mikey has laid me down on it, picking me up from where I fell in the hallway when I passed out, but I keep my eyes closed, careful not to speed up my breathing or move the slightest bit for fear he’ll realize I’ve woken up. I’m warm within my pilfered grey sweater; the fabric soft against my skin but it’s my only consolation. My empty chest is throbbing, mimicking some sort of heartbeat, mourning it’s missing counterpart as I do mine. My eyes sting and my head pounds but it barely seems like a punishment worthy of what I’ve done.
Unannounced weight drops the side of the couch as he sits beside my prostrate body, his arm reaching over me to lay a cool, wet cloth along my forehead. I don’t want to wake up, don’t want to continue this day or any other for that matter but I know Mikey’s not going to leave until I do, so I flutter my eyes open as if I’ve just woken.
His eyes are narrowed on me, doing his best to look frustrated but I can decipher the helplessness and the sadness hiding beneath and the pity even a bit deeper. I’ve gotten good at looking at Mikey’s eyes; they’re so much like his brothers.
“How many appointments have you missed Kaelin?” I shrug an answer, my eyes searching out an escape. “I’m worried about you …by the looks of it, you’re not eating or sleeping, you don’t leave the house and you’re missing appointments…you’re sick Kael. You need help.” I don’t bother with a response. He doesn’t expect one. “I know what it feels like to lose him…to lose the person that you’re closest to but you can’t hole yourself up in here like you’re waiting for him to come back. He’s gone Kaelin. You need to let him go.”
“How can you say that?” I cry loudly and for a moment he looks taken aback, almost surprised that I actually have some emotion beyond my usual comatose. “I loved him and if it wasn’t for me he’d still be here! He didn’t die because of you Mikey!” The sobs in my throat rip their way past my lips and once again his arms are around me, soothing me, as if I deserved such a reprieve.
“Kaelin, there’s something you need to know. Gerard never cheated on you, you’re right. Do you know where he was that night?” I’ve barely shaken my head no before Mikey has wrapped his fingers around my own, pulling me easily off of the couch as he drags me back into the bedroom I fled. He lets my fingers go for only a moment as he opens the top drawers in the dresser, shifting undergarments around he finally pulls a small black velvet box out, resting it within his palm and I realize with a soft cry what it is before he even cracks open the lid. He smiles sadly, tears in his eyes. I feel myself shattering into a million pieces on the floor beneath him like that broken kaleidoscope.
“There was never anyone else for Gerard. It was always you.”
A/N: Please let me know what you think. It's just something short that came to me in the middle of the night. Reviews are immensely appreciated!! :)