FicWad

Two:

“Do you think if I asked him to Prom he’s go with me?” asked Martha, staring dreamily at the poster of Jonny Depp plastered to her locker door.

“I honestly think you’re delusional” I replied.

“My dad knows his agent” she continued, having ignored me.

“If you paid him enough maybe” answered Lilly, “although, can you imagine all the girls trying to touch him, it would be disgusting.”

“That’s just because you prefer vagina over penis” I added in again, thoughtlessly flipping through my art book. “You hate anything that glorifies the male ego.”

“Well...” I tuned out of Lilly’s speech about how men think with their penises, Lord knows I had heard it enough times to know it word for word. I could do without another speech on feminism. She hated the way men objectified women, the way they thought with their penises, she hated them simply because it was okay for them to love a woman but so very wrong for her to.
I focused on the images in my book, the pain and suffering that had suddenly engulfed my mind. In front of me was an obscure picture depicting the sorrow of losing a child in battle, the pain of the artist struck me as if it were my own. I guess that’s why I related to art so much, I could see something that gave my own feelings their own light, it showed me that I wasn’t insane or alone.

“You’ll ruin your vision if you stare at that picture any longer” said Martha, interrupting my train of thought. I snapped the book shut instantly.

“It was all the talk of penis, it had me feeling sick” I shrugged. In truth I just wanted to be anywhere but here, I always wanted to be anywhere but here.

“You really should join the dark side” replied Lilly, her arm casually draping across my shoulder. “We could do something with your hair, I am sure you’d have a girlfriend in no time.”

“Thanks for the advice Lil” I replied, “I think I am okay being single at the moment though, really, it’s too messed up in here for more than one person to handle” I added, tapping my head.

“She had her reasons Beth, none of us could have stopped her” said Martha, her voice soft. “We have to keep our lives going; she would have wanted us to live. She didn’t let us into that part of her life because she wanted to protect us.”

“I know” I nodded, it didn’t matter what I told myself though, the pain never seemed to stop being there. You think it would disappear, even little by little, but no matter what I do or how long I wait, it still lingers, exactly the same as it did before.
The bell rang signalling time for class; there was no way that you could ever get used to the high pitched ding of the bell. It was a sound that haunted your ears.
“I’m fine” I said to the girls as they hesitantly made their way towards their classroom. Truth is, I wasn’t fine, I was far from fine. “It’s just one of those days, you know, where something stupid makes you think about her. She so would be picking out our dresses...” I trailed off. They nodded with me, knowing that it was something that would have happened, had she been here. “Better get to class” I sighed, tightening my grip on my books.
As soon as they were out of view I ducked through the crowd of students lazily making their way to their own classes. I tried to act normal, just like I was on my way somewhere, I didn’t need anyone to see the panic in my eyes or hear the thudding of my overworked heart. It wouldn’t matter to them that I was upset anyway, they didn’t know me and they didn’t care to.
The funny thing about old schools like this was that the hallways seemed to be never-ending mazes. The twisted and turned and continued on for ages, no matter where you were going you always felt lost. One floor looked like another and there was no way that someone who didn’t know the school would ever get out alive. Old schools like this would be the perfect setting for a horror movie.
As the hallway slowly emptied of students, my pathway to the door became easier. I didn’t have to think about where I was going. I had walked these halls so many times that I could navigate through them with my eyes closed.
My escape plan was going perfectly until I collided with something that felt like a brick wall.

“Slow down there sparky” came a voice that I had grown to know, but also try to avoid. “I didn’t think you were the athletic type” he mused.

“I’m not” I replied, trying to regroup after our collision.

“Where are you off to in such a hurry then?” he asked, his body skilfully blocking the door, and my only feasible exit. “I mean with that kind of speed maybe you have a future on the team...”

“To get some air” I choked out, popular boy or not, he wasn’t doing much to help my sudden wave of panic.

“Sounds like this might need to be a group activity” he replied, opening the door and holding it like the perfect gentlemen. I keep reminding myself that appearances can be deceiving.
“What no witty come back?” he asked, it didn’t sound so teasing as it should, as if he were actually concerned about me.

“Not today” I replied, sitting down on one of the many steps that lead into the school. “Today I just need air and maybe some silence.”

“Why so sad?” he asked, sitting down next to me. “Did they cancel the art faculties funding?” he laughed to himself.

“I have my reasons, I think I am just having one of those weak moments” I shrugged. The last thing I wanted to do was have to explain myself to him. How could he possibly understand me, or what I am going through?

“So...I’ll take that as a ‘no I am not going to tell you’ response, but there is an upside to this” he smiled at me.

“What?” I asked back, nowhere near as enthusiastically.

“All this emotional stuff, this proves you’re human” his smile was again, faultless. “Which can only be a good thing?”

“Maybe, maybe not” I shrugged again.

“Well I think it is a good thing” he nodded, more to himself than me. We sat in silence for a moment. “Being human means you’re real, and having emotions doesn’t make you weak. Although, that’s not generally the footballer’s take on emotion, so keep it between you and me please”.
I just shrugged. I wasn’t good at processing things when I felt this way. It was almost like I had a brick weighing down my chest and a pounding in my head that made thinking hard, it even made concentrating hard.

“Tristan, what are you doing?” someone’s annoying but all too familiar voice interrupted whatever kind of peace the silence between us was giving me. “I was unaware it was community service time already” they added, I tried my hardest not to roll my eyes, or say anything back.

“Yeah, you really are slumming it” I said to break the silence. “Better not let anyone catch you talking to me too Lisa, it might ruin your precious reputation”.

“Oh not mine honey” replied Lisa. Her voice had the same effect as someone dragging their nails across the blackboard or something equally as painful. “But it might make people think that you’re slightly higher on the food chain than you actually are, and we don’t need to give anyone any false indications”.

“Did that word hurt your brain?” I laughed. “Anyway, Tristan was just leaving. I am sure he has practise, or some girl’s pants to get into, hell, he might need to get into yours”. I smiled falsely to them both and picked up my books. I didn’t bother to look back; I didn’t bother to gauge his reaction. I just walked toward the art room. They weren’t about to follow me there.
Lisa was in her own planet. She was the type of person that thrived in High school, on all the bullshit that it created. Her parents had money, and she had everything she could possibly dream of, even boys. She had the life that everyone else wanted, so that means that everyone wanted to be her, or be near her. Obviously that meant that she thought that it gave her the right to walk all over anyone that got in her way, or anyone she simply wanted to walk all over. I guess I fall into the latter category.
All I really wanted for now, was for today to be over.
To make sure that no one else bothered me, I put my headphones on and blasted music until nothing from the outside world could be heard. I didn’t particularly care what music played, all that mattered was that the noise from the outside world was gone.

*

There is no other feeling that compares to lying in your own bed at the end of the day, the comfort of knowing that you have nothing to do for the next few hours but dream. I wish it was as easy as just closing my eyes, the way it used to be, these days all I seem to do is toss and turn.
My life had turned upside down and nothing was ever going to go back to normal. I still felt like I could be in a dream, a nightmare, that maybe this wasn’t reality. It was at those moments that I had to snap myself out of it, wake back up to reality.
I kept putting on this act that I was okay, but deep down I was so far from okay. It killed me to see my friend’s moving on with their lives, of life moving on without her. She was that one constant that made everything just that little bit better. The others talked about not knowing, not knowing that she was depressed...or about any of it. The thing that killed me the most was that I knew. I knew all along. She told me everything. We talked every single day; no topic was ever off limits. We had talked about suicide before, but I didn’t think that it meant that she was going to do it, I didn’t think that she even felt the need to do it. I felt like the biggest failure for not being there, for not knowing. The worst part was, I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it. I used to talk to her, but now she was gone, and I didn’t think that I would ever find someone that I could share anything with the way I shared things with her.
School was just a distraction, a demoralizing distraction for my mind. At the end of the day, I had to come home, and think, and all I could ever think about was her.

*

“So apparently there is this new trend right now, it involves using the muscles in your face. It’s called smiling” I rolled my eyes.

“Seriously Tristan, do we have to do this again?” I mumbled. “I mean, you’ll try to be funny, I’ll be a bitch, you’ll brush it off, I’ll try to ignore you, someone else will capture your attention and then I will no longer be the new shiny object. I mean, can’t we just skip all this bullshit? I could honestly do without out it all toady”.

“Beth is everything all right?” he asked. His tone was no longer upbeat and joking, it was suddenly serious. I don’t think I could handle him being serious.

“Tristan, in what world exactly is it that you would care?” I asked. “You’ve gone to school with me for years, and you’ve never paid a single second of attention to me until now, I don’t get it, it doesn’t make sense and I suppose it’s not supposed to. In what fucking planet is it that we would even get along? I mean seriously? We are completely different and I can’t take the bullshit right now”.

“Beth... I didn’t mean...” he started to apologize.

“You didn’t mean to what? Give everyone even more of a reason to hate me?” I snapped. “It doesn’t matter; I just want to be left alone Tristan, I want to graduate and move away, I want to forget this place and everyone in it”. I didn’t bother to wait for him to respond, I walked away and tried my hardest not to look back. If she could see me talking to him now, what would she think? God, she’d probably hate me for lowering myself to his level. She used to hate people like him, that “A-crowd”. Maybe hate was a strong word, but she used to dislike them. I disliked them, I think.
The last few days have my head muddled. I’ve been busy with school, which of course is a never ending maze of homework, Tristan keeps talking to me, and believe me when I say that it hadn’t really happened before in my life, ever. Lisa, the perfect, annoying, blonde, cheerleader who had everything seemed to be trying to make my life a living hell, or more of one, and my mother seemed to be on some sort of a bender. I tried to stay out of her war path. The last time I got too involved with anything in her life, I ended up needing stitches. Everything seemed like a muddled, mixed up mess. I didn’t even know where to begin to sort it all out. I don’t know if there was a way to sort it all out.

“Oh my God Beth, slow down” whined Lil. “I seriously can barely keep up with you” she puffed. “And was that Tristan I saw talking to you? I mean, was he lost or something?”

“I have no idea” I shrugged, slowing down so that Lil could keep up. “I really didn’t hang around to find out what he wanted”.

“Why not?” she asked, turning back to look at where my latest outburst had taken place. “That boy is all kinds of fine”.

“I hadn’t really noticed” I shrugged once again.

“As if you hadn’t” she scoffed. “Everyone knows how attractive he is” she laughed, “even me, and I would find it hard to say no to him”.

“Just because something looks good, it doesn’t mean that it is necessarily good for you” I replied. “Besides, we barely even spoke” I added hoping to finish the conversation.

“Okay, whatever you say” she laughed again, “I was just asking anyway” she shrugged. “Anyway, let’s move on to more pressing issues. What are we doing this weekend? Martha said something about going to the lake for a night, but I know my mother would rather die than expose me to nature, so can we just turn it into a day thing? You know food, swimming, picture taking and what not?”

“I don’t really mind” I shrugged. I had completely forgotten about the plans we had for the weekend. In truth I think I was kind of avoiding them, I hadn’t been to Martha’s lake house in a while. The last time I went there was with her. That place held so many memories for us all.

“I wouldn’t mind getting some sun, I am so sick of overcast skies” continued Lily. If she could sense my apprehension than she wasn’t about to address it, she either wanted to ignore it, or had no idea of how I really felt. I wasn’t about to spill any of my feelings to anyone, especially right now.

“You two wait up” yelled an all too familiar voice. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what sort of protein shakes have you two been drinking?” asked Martha, rushing to fall into step with Lily and myself.

“I don’t think it is a protein anything” laughed Lil, “I think Beth is just trying to get away from Tristan, who, let me fill you in here, was apparently talking to her earlier. I think he was even smiling while doing so”.

“Holy shit, are you serious?” asked Martha, adjusting her bag. “What does that boy want? I mean, don’t get me wrong babe, you’re all kinds of gorgeous, but he has never in his life, and I mean never, given you a second glance and now he’s talking to you...and wait, does the rest of the school know? This could be something that sky rockets your popularity and-”

“We weren’t talking” I interrupted her. “He said something to me, I snapped and told him to leave me alone”.

“You told him to leave you alone?” asked Martha. “Are you insane? Do you know who he is?”

“He is someone who doesn’t matter to me” I replied. “I don’t know him, and just because he is apparently the most sort after real estate on this side of the city does not mean that I am interested. Besides which, what on earth could he want with me? I mean, other than making my life more of a living hell, what is there for him to do?”

“Get some” laughed Lil. “Okay, sorry that was rude. I don’t know, maybe he likes you. I mean guys like him always go after the outcasts”.

“Joking aside” added Martha, “he might actually be interested in you. I mean, you think that is a far out there statement, but really, school’s almost over for you, what with you being some genius child, and he might be trying to get in now before it is too late. I think you’re being way too dismissive. This could be good for you”.

“Good for me?” I laughed. “Yeah, good for me like a bullet to the heart. Guys, this twisted and horrific turn of events is nothing. A passing phase maybe, but nothing. I’m not going to even consider the thoughts you are trying to put into my head. And to top it all off, I’m going to take a stab in the dark, and assume that he’s not my type, oh wait, I know he’s not my type”.

“You’re so stubborn” snapped Martha, rolling her eyes.

“Truth” agreed Lil. “All this romantic talk aside, this weekend, we are lake-ing it up right?”

“For sure” agreed Martha. “Maybe then I can convince Beth to give Tristan the God the time of day”.

“Yeah, when hell freezes over” I scoffed. What was this alternate universe I was living in? Since when did my friends entertain the idea of me dating, or even me dating at all?
I let the two of them make small talk the entire way home. I wasn’t about to join in, it was hard enough just trying to be ‘normal’ right now. My life was going to shit.


Author's Note:
I know that took me forever to write, and I am sorry. I've been a tad busy. :(
Anyway, thanks for the patience.
-xo