I came here to complain again, to let it all out. To do something. But then I thought, why? I need to brighten up! I could go out or...
But then it hit ne. I could go out, but who with?
You see, I have plently of friends. But lately I've never felt more excluded. It seems they never want to spend anytime with me. That I don't matter. I'm always the one making plans, or trying to anyway, always the one to invite everyone. Or anyone. Not one of my friends ever come up to me and ask "hey, wanna do something today?" or anything. It's pissing me off.
I think what it is, it's probably because they just think "oh yeah, that's Fionnuala! if I reject her plans after she asks me, she won't mind," but I do mind. I hate it when people treat me like I have no feelings. It's my own fault, because I never say anything - I just cover it up. But I'm not anymore.
There was alot more to this but I just can't even think. A good band I knew called Homestar Runner broke up today and it sucks.
I also relapsed again. About 3 days ago. I needed to though. I'm not ashamed. I need it to live. I'm digging myself a deeper hole.
I can't wait til this summer REALLY starts. A friend of mine and I (who hopefully won't cancel my ass) want to do some stuff and try some stuff.
I've been hearing things and seeing things too. I keep hearing this sort of tune, something you might hear at a carnival or circus or something. It's freaky. I was listening to my ipod the other night and I heard it, I whiped out my earphones and near cried. Seeing stuff isn't that bad. Weird, but okay. It's the hearing stuff. I was out my back and I kept hearing whispers, and I got paranoid and freaked out. I heard whispers before that too. But I can't make out what they're saying.
I'm becoming more and more paranoid also. Trying to sleep at night I keep thinking something is watching me. I always feel that way but it's getting rather annoying. I'm eating less too. I've restricted myself to two meals a day and a piece of fruit inbetween. It's good. It's healthy.
But I'm feeling more alone and isolated as the days go on.
I'm feeling more annoyed and angry.
I've been feeling a whole lot of emotions.
I also near shit myself the other day too. Cuz I'm posting this shit here because no one really reads this crap, or so I thought. This has been getting like 20-odd views each chapter. I know, that's nothing. That's hardly anything, but it is something when you're typing out your life. But like I said, I'm too paranoid to write it down. And it's okay because no one gives a shit, as there hasn't been a review saying
"OMGGGGG. GET HELP. DON'T KILL YOUSELF. STOP CUTTING. OMG YOU'RE INSANE." or something along those lines. And I thank the lord for that. I mean, yeah I know I'm insane, I know I should stop cutting and all that shit, but I won't. I don't even know if I want to anymore.
And if there actually is any people out there who really read this. As I don't believe there is, but leave something, maybe saying "pyscho bitch, go do something with your life," or something enlighting like that. Seriously.