FicWad

Living Without



Often each of us has secrets, ones that have been locked away forever, the key long tossed away. Sometimes we are able to forget these terrible secrets, but often it is just for a little while before the thoughts return to us and we remember what it is that we have to guard. It's all because we don't want anyone to know, isn't it? We don't want anyone to see those horrible things because we're afraid of opening up.

Now Touma Seguchi never had been one to fear anything. He was a confident person, born to be a leader, to command over others and be successful. No one would have ever guessed the secrets that were buried so deep into his heart, but yet still lingering on the surface to remind him to keep his silence lest anyone discover what he did not want seen.

People are complicated, people are random, people are just plain fucked up. We create images of ourselves in our minds, images that we want people to see us as. We want everyone to think we're beautiful and smart and cool. No one wants to be seen as a loser really. We like to hide our true selves behind masks, facades that slowly wear away with time. Sometimes people don't give a shit and they just do what they want. As was just stated, people are so freaking fucked up.

Touma was one of those in-between people. Yes, he did have an image to keep up as the keyboardist of Nittle Grasper and the President of NGE, but also he had grown lax in the years and it seemed that things mattered to him less and less. It's hard to say with him afterall. He had always been sort of strange, unpredictable. In fact he was a pretty original character, if I do say so myself.

Touma, it seemed had everything. He was rich, famous, and had good-looking wife. Great life huh? But there was something big missing in all this that overbalanced our perfect little equation. This something was a big something, something that meant everything to him, but he still could not quite grasp onto to it. It still eluded him, the one thing that he needed most. Ah yes, a certain thing called love. The one thing that always seems to slip right through his fingers. Touma...did not have love.


Touma sighed loudly as he ran one hand through his blonde hair. His fingers rested gently on the edge of the cold plastic receiver, the resonating hum of the dead line buzzing in his ear. Slowly he set the phone down on its holder with a soft click. Eiri...why?

Touma's deep thoughts were disturbed by the frantic knocking at the door. Touma slowly smoothed out the wrinkles in his coat before saying, "Please come in."

Just as Touma predicted, Sakano came bursting in through the door in a flurry of tears. Touma was swift to deal with his problem before sending him on his way again. Though Sakano was rather overexcitable at times he really was a loyal employee and Touma had never really encountered one like him before.

Is this how my life is to be? All this monotony?

The phone rang loudly, his thoughts which boiled within him, used to common interruptions.

"Yes?" he said politely into the phone. It was Mika.

"Some business came up. You know what was happening with my mother's ex-brother in law? It seems he got himself in a spot of trouble so I'll have to be heading out of Japan for a few days to go visit him. I'll talk to you later, goodbye."

Touma merely hmmed in agreement before hanging up the phone and rubbing his temple in aggravation. Eiri...I hope you're doing alright now...The trouble with Shuichi should be mostly over...

Looking at his clock his discovered that it was actually growing quite late and he best be on his way back home. Grabbing his briefcase, he put on his hat and made his way out of the building, a blank expression on his face.

Returning to an empty, dark home did not do much for his spirits at this time. Still, he let nothing of it show, even though he was only in his own presence. It was something that he learned with experienced. Never let your guard down no matter what or else you'll get lax.

Flip on the light switch, remove gloves, make way to bedroom. All things he was used to, and did on a regular basis. His thoughts shifted over the subjects of wondering where Ryuichi was at this moment, how his wife was dealing with her predicament, brushing over thoughts of Shuichi before going to his main stream of thought, Eiri.

How did things ever end up like this? Eiri. I don't want you to be hurt anymore. I wish that you would have just accepted me, I would give everything up and be by your side. And yet, of course, you had to be stubborn and decide to find someone else for me to worry about. Now, watching that boy's actions, I can sort of see how he interests you, even if you won't admit it.

Slowly he changed into his pajamas and laid down on his bed, closing his eyes with a grim look on his face. The circumstances are hardly 100%. I wish I was the one who you could fall in love with, just to ensure that your heart would no longer be broken. All my influence, and all my power and I can't even change the one thing that matters the most. I guess that's just how love wants to be. It can never be convienent for people, no matter how hard you try.

He let out a long sigh before flipping over. The truth is, I am the one who loves Eiri the most, I am the one who knows him more than anyone else. The only thing is that I can't make him happy. Damn it, I've tried my hardest to every single day, but nothing compares to that boy Shuichi. Even if Eiri doesn't want it to be true, he's changed since they meet.

And in the end, if all this turns out to be just a big mistake, I'll be there for him to help him pick up the peices of his life and move on again. That is because, I love Eiri above everything else. No one will every take him away from me.

And with this decided Touma turned off the light and feel asleep.