Based in todays time, just swearing.
The palm trees swaying in the wind.
Doesn't it hurt when you know you have someone at your fingertips and then there ripped out of your hands, and torn out of your life? And doesn't it just suck when you know you can have someone, only if one person would drop dead? And doesn't it hurt, when someone tells you they don't love you anymore?
It fucking tears me apart. I had him, I could've had him, but I turned my back too it. I only fooled myself into these loveless relationships. I mean, sure they fill a void, but they can only do so much until it doesn't work anymore. I'm happy for him, don't get me wrong. But… it just hurts. I know it shouldn't hurt, nor should I feel the need that I need his love and attention. I can sit here, and space off just lost in thought of wonder why, and aching over this. I know its fucking useless, and I'm just a lost lamb, crying for his mother when I'm only drawing the wolves closer to come and eat me. I'm just a hopeless, love sick, fool. But I also know he'd come at any hour of the fucking day, no matter how stupid and ridiculous the problem is, and come and help me. It's just so fucking taunting. He just pulls me closer and closer, and once I think I can have one shot, I'm cut in two and back to step one. And if she would just wither away or get mad enough at him and divorce him… no fuck it, its useless to even think of it. This isn't helping, nor is it helping me with my emotions. No wonder I still feel the urge to go get high sometimes. It's fucking stupid. Love is stupid. Fuck. Life is stupid. I could give two shits if I went, shot up, and died. It'd be the best fucking thing that ever happened to me. And you know, that warm smile, those friendly eyes, and strong embrace; it feels as if he actually means it.
You sang me Spanish lullabies.
The sweetest sadness in your eyes,
Another mindless day. Maybe I should actually break up with Erin, its no use if your not in love. Right? So I waltzed over to the phone, picked it up, retrieved to my room and dialed her number. I told her, first there was silence then yelling. Yelling just worsened the feeling as I just hung up on her. I tossed the phone aside as I sat down on my bed. I blinked, as I got myself where I was laying down normally, my hands behind my bed. I let my eyes close, as I sighed. I sat up slightly as I just then rested on my side, with one hand under my head. I closed my eyes again, as tears started to form. They stung slightly as they just leaked out of my eyes. Rolling down my face. God… I hate being alone, and the feeling of knowing that you are infact, indeed, alone. I sometimes wonder if I ever cross his mind, or he feels at all the same way. It sometimes kills me, and sometimes makes me just think. The more you think about it, the more you realize how short life is, and how you only have so many chances. And this just makes me want to rewind this all back to when I was eighteen. Tsk. I'm wasting my breath to be honest, but I can't help the fact that it still hurt. I sweat it burns at times. Well, lets see if I can get the sand to call him, and ask him if he can actually come on down. I'd be nice to have some support right about this second.
I never want to see you unhappy…
"What's wrong now?" His voice was deep, rough, and was thick with that Boston accent of his. His accent never bothered me, infact I loved it. Made me crack a smile at times. I just explained that I wanted someone to just talk too, and kind of just too know someone is there. I herd him sigh, and I could just see him shaking his head as he is finishing up a smoke. "…Steven."
"You're a real hassle sometimes." He says flatly, as I just roll my eyes. But I smile slightly to myself.
"I know." I said, as he said he'd be over in a few, as we hung up.
Please let this just go as a normal two hour thing, not a fucking mental break down over night session.