And the love poison complicates yet more
I looked at Mikey as I had him pinned. At him, not into him. There's a huge difference.
"Mikey!" I clutched his hair from the back of his head. One last time would settle it. I wasn't calmed just yet. I slammed the heel of my hand into his nose, pleased with how Mikey writhed. I looked away for a second.
Then, I chose to look into Mikey. His sweet, greeny-hazel eyes were wide with fear. His soft hair was thick and smooth to run my shaking fingers through. I always reach the same conclusion after I hurt him. He's mine, but I need to fight to keep him truly mine. There he was, my sweet Mikey layed under me, not teh one who wants to get away from me. Not the bad brother.
He was scared, and needed me. I knew this side of Mikey. It was my Mikey again. The one I hated to hurt.
"Gee..." he wheezed, sitting up a little bit. "...Please love me." These words snapped me back into reality. Blood trickled from his nose, his face was red, and his body trembled under me. It hurt so much more to see him revert back to this after I hurt him. I don't want to see taht god Mikey so sad when he no longer deserves it.
I had done it again. Just when I thought this was all over, I beat Mikey up. It was like those times I felt sick with dispair and fear, all over again. I cradled Mikey, lifting his head up to my chest, still stradling him. I stroked one of his cheeks with a thumb. My hands were still shaking. He sat up more and wrapped his arms around my waist.
"Mikey.....Mikey, I do love you. I can't bear to hurt you when you're like this. Love you so so much." My words sounded shaky as well so to stop my crying being so loud,I buried my face in Mike's hair. "But you know I can't control it all. You know how bad it is to see you leave me, in any way. That's how much I love you."
I breathed in his scent once more, let it fill my lungs. It steadied me somewhat. I can't hurt him. But, at the time all the reasons are there to beat him up. To tie him, to kick him, to lash out at him. I might even enjoy it. I enjoy hurting the Mikey I hate. The one I can't control. It all the more makes him mine.... It makes the good Mikey even sweeter.
Even so, no matter how much I can hate that part of Mikey, I always, always love him. Probably more than I do Frank even.
"Mikey, I'll make this all up to you." I always promise that.
Mikey: All I had to do was to stay still at times like these. Just listen and be glad he always wants me back. But, despair because... I can't have him the way I want.
I wanted Gerard to know I loved him, no matter what he did to me. He could hit me and hurt me all he cared. I squeezed around the bottom his waist, clinging to him. Gerard wasn't the monster he called himself. He can't be. He doesn't mean it when he hurts me, it's partly my fault too! There's something wrong... With his head but it doesn't matter if I can cure it for however long. Gerard never like therapy. He always lied to them anyway.
I relaxed a little and sighed when Gerard planted kisses upon the top of my head. Even though he gets paranoid about me after something like this, I love how affectionate Gee gets. I know it's not real-real love but it's so damn close.
"We...We can do anything you like! With anyone, as long as I'm there. With Frank or Ray." Gerard promised feverishly. "I'll give you anything you want Mikey."
My heart staggered at that point. 'Anything' wasn't what Gerard would give me. He wouldn't let me be closer with Frank, or accept my 'other possible feelings' for him. It was confusing, loving someone so close to you that much, and his boyfriend at the same time. I'm almost certain they're the same type of love. But on different levels, and with different ways of showing it.
"Anything?" I asked.
"Whatever you want! I'll be getting my car soon, started lessons, so we can go anywhere, Mikey."
He rested his chin on my head.
"Swimming, skating, you name it. Sound good?"
It was funny how it sounded like he was taking care of me. I always look after Gerard more after a fight.
"Uh huh." I nodded, Gerard's shirt rubbing one of my cheeks. Blood was still flowing from my nose but it didn't bother me.
After a while Gerard lay on the bed, propped up by an elbow as I crossed my legs. He kept saying such adoring things, it confused me! He looked happy, speaking such things, idly letting the words roll off his tongue.
In what way does he love me? There is no halfway in love.
SHANE: That Mikey kid sure is something. Seemes more 'easy' than Frank, but less daring, possibly? Either way, I now had his number. Soon I'd have him, and Frank. Usually it takes a while to find good enough guys, and ones I like. That Gerard though. He's a strong one. Too defiant. I like a few tough ones but they're risky and Gerard wasn't right. He was too... I don't like him basically.
Good enough for what?
Lets say I'm a businessman.
I opened my old wardrobe and removed the large cork board. It was pretty busy, but there would be room.
I admired the collection of photos. A mixture of stoned, happy and scared faces of boys and girls. All polaroids, with thier names, contact details for a few on the backs. The space I had made in the center was calling out for more pictures. Emptiness, screaming to be filled with Mikey or Frank's beautiful selfs. Frank's tiny frame and Mikey's tall but skinny body and gleaming scared eyes....
'Soon' I told myself. I grinned grimly. My alarm went, it was 9pm. A friend should be coming over soon.
I took out the bottle of vodka, along ith mixers and prepared myself. I think it was Clay who was coming? Only met him once or twice. Looks good though. Very tasty.
FRANK: Frank, like Mikey, was having troubling, confusing thoughts of his own. Plenty of doubting going on
I huffed. What was it about Mikey that caught my attention? Many things, it seemed! The forbidden things, his easy nature...
If I have a slight doubt, I get so worried, and often believe it. So when I start having thoughts about wheather I have a strange fettish-like crush for Mikey... Well, it must be true somehow!
I don't think of things like that without a reason! It's not just Mikey though, it's like the danger of being caught that's appealing. And the way Mikey seems so innocent, and vulnerable. He could keep a secret relationship secret. Even if I do all the work... I don't want to break off from Grard, nothing will ever beat him but my curiosity overlooks such deep rooted love.
Everytime I think of times I've been alone with him, I feel kinda...Itchy for something. Horny almost. Like I wanna go for it, and shock him. It's his vulnerability godammit!
Sure, I love my Gerard but in my view a small experimental-play affair ain't so bad. I mean, it may not even come to that, but I fear that if I don't investigate my feelings further, they'll get deeper. So trying him now wouldn't be a negative step, surely.
I looked out my window from my bed. It was grey, hailstones falling. The inky dark clouds broke up, then collided with each other, then spilling off. That's how I see those clouds. Fighting. The sun shone very dully in the clouded-over sky. Sunday had seemed so short! The holidays were over for Mikey tommorrow as well, which was unfair in many ways.
The task ahead of me was simple: get Mikey alone, 'try him out' and hopefully eradicate any thoughts about my feelings for him. He might understand my reasons, if I explained after. It was just to prove it to myself that Gerard is the only one for me, and also because...
Mikey's tempting, appeals to my bad side. The longer I hold back, the more I'll want to do with him. I know he won't tell, he is curious as well. I was really getting myself worked up too!
MIKEY: School was awful strange on my own. We go back late, on the 2nd November but stop for half-term on the 23rd December. Stupid irregularity.
I felt odd walking into the hallway alone. Gerard had come in the car with me, and promised to see me at lunch but I still felt awkward. He even got up at the same time as me and had breakfast with me!
I went over to my locker and took a peek inside Gerard and Frank's lockers as well. Gerard's was nice and familliar smelling with only a couple pens inside. I didn't want to open Frank's locker much. It reminded me of my weird, bad feelings about him, but I went in anyway. It was another story inside. It had shirts, books, pictures and a jacket in there. I recognised the jacket and pulled it out. A notebook flopped to the floor.
It was about A5 paper and was half full. It had notes, reminders and ramblings dotted around inside.
"Gerard!! 9th April
Mikey! 10th Sept."
"Hey, ho, lets go..."
"...Go get some cigarettes?" Gerard's writing.
No way! Too expensive an addiction."/
[/Agreed, mothafucker."Obviously, they had silent conversations in class. I put the book in my own bag to return to Frank sometime in case it had any importance for him.
I was relieved to see Gerard in the parking lot at lunch. He rushed up and hugged me.
"Mikey! How's school?"
"Good. Were you having a driving lesson today?" We sat on a bench together.
"Yeah. My exam's in 3 weeks I think." Gerard grinned.
"You'll do great." I assured him. "You got the paperboy job yet?"
"I don't know, hopefully!" Gerard looked ghostly pale, even in Winter clothes, but I was freezing as well.