This is a parody of the first book. This stuff does have the word "Rape" in it, but that's only the name of a character (doesn't actually happen). Warning: Lots of tl;dr.
Hairy himself knew he was special because one time he went to the zoo. At the zoo he talked to a snake. The snake never replied, but that was okay. The Vermins still thought Hairy was crazy.
Hairy's birthday was coming up and he would either be eleven (11) or twelve (12). It doesn't matter (in the next book it will). Anyways, Hairy has been receiving letters to go to Warthogs while Uncle Vermin has been busy burning them. Finally, on Hairy's birthday, he got a sock.
Because the sock didn't fit, Hairy was disappointed. Luckily Hairy had cake as well, but that didn't fit either. Later in the night, a knock was on the door. Hairy elected to get it, so everyone else voted yes. Standing there was a big dude with a motorcycle.
"'Appy Birfday 'Airy!" Belched the man.
"Do I know you?" Asked Hairy.
"'Y 'Ame is Haggard!"
"Never head of it".
"Yer a lizard, Hairy!"
"A lizard. Yer know, one dem scaley things".
"I KNOW WHAT A LIZARD IS!!! roared Hairy.
"Oh, also yer 'can do 'agic".
"So I'm a lizard..."
"And yer Ant 'm Uncl' 'r' Muggers!" Exclaimed Haggard.
Hearing this, Uncle Vermin went up to the door.
"Whatever you're sellin', we don't want it!" Bellowed Uncle.
"I 'ant 'Hairy ter go ter Warthog's school fer Lizards."
"Yer dun 'after see Hairy for a hole ye'ar".
"Hop on muh mot'rcycl' 'Hairy".
So Hairy did. And with that, they were off to Warthogs, but first they had to get school supplements. After that, they needed to get on platform Nintendo 64.
At the used wand shop (after opening a savings account and pet owl), Hairy talked to an old man.
"How big might your wand be?" Asked the old man.
"Does size matter? It's just a wand", replied Hairy.
"Boy, size is everything when it comes to performing Lizard magic".
"Oh, I see".
"Lemme measure you".
It turns out Hairy's was 9 3/4" inches long. The old man was pleased.
"That's the same size as your mother's", exclaimed the old man.
"You knew my mother?" Hairy wondered.
"No, I just like 'yo mama' jokes".
With that said, Hairy and Haggard (that's the motorcycle man's name) left the shop. Then they went into a small cafe and bookstore, mainly to buy Harry Potter books.
"Not all Lizards 'R' good, Hairy", whispered Haggard.
"I figured that."
"There's one especially called 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Talked-About".
"'Couse 'e's evil".
"'Is 'ame is Murdermart 'nd 'e likes snakes".
"'Ont worry 'hough, 'e's ded now".
"'Ell, 'e's not rlly ded, 'e's jus' 'oo 'weak to der anyting".
"But 'e's still evil 'n' I don' ever talk 'bout 'im".
After having that conversation, Hairy eavesdropped in on another conversation because had. Apparently one of the people saw Hairy listening in and went over to talk to Hairy.
"O-O-O-O-O-Oh H-H-H-H-Hi T-T-T-There H-H-Hairy!" Stuttered the man.
"How do you know my name?"
"E-E-E-E-Every L-L-Lizard K-knows Y-Y-Y-You, you're A-A-A-A celebrity.
"You H-H-H-Have a star because you S-Sur-S-Surv-Sur-Survived".
"You mean how I survived that fateful day many years ago in which there was a great battle against an evil overlord while my parents died and all I got was this itchy star?"
"M-M-M-M-My N-N-Name I-Is P-P-Professor S-S-S-S-Squirrel".
"T-T-T-T-They C-C-Call M-M-Me Stutt-St-Stuttering S-S-S-S-Squirrel".
"I-I-I'm G-Gonna TEACH AT W-W-WARTHOGS!"
Finally, in order to avoid more conversation, Hairy met some nice kid named Dragon who liked slip-n-slides. Hairy thought he was neat. Afterwards, it was time to go on the Nintendo 64. Haggard said bye and Hairy noted that Haggard lives near Warthogs.
Since he had no idea where the Nintendo 64 was, he asked a crazy lady with four kids how to get on.
"You run through a wall!" Said the crazy lady.
"The orange haired boy's name is Run, he's just as old as you!"
"Cool. Nice to meet you Run".
"My last name is Weasel!!" Screamed Run.
Hairy noted that one of the four siblings was a little girl. She looked cute.
Hairy and Run ran through the wall and got on the train. As soon as they did, the train left. The crazy lady waved bye.
While on the train, Hairy noticed another girl, this time she was blonde and wore glasses. Hairy also noticed that she was smart.
"My name is Her everybody and I know how to do chemistry with wand. I can make things with chemistry and wands. Also the fraction for of pi is..." and before she could finish, Run shouted:
"I LIKE EATING FROGS", shouted Run.
'What flavor?" Asked Hairy.
"Chocolate, of course. What other kind is there?"
Hairy bought a frog and ate it, then he counted his money. While he was doing so, he was interrupted by Her.
"You have 620 coins Mister", said Her.
"You made me lose count, Her", replied Hairy.
"It's fun to do that with money".
Run bought another frog. So did Hairy. Her made soup out of chemistry. After they were all done eating, they were all lead into the path to Warthogs. It wasn't very far, and they got there quickly.
There was an old woman inside standing next to the door. She addressed herself as Professor McDonalds and told the kids what to do.
"You will all place the sorting cat on your head in order to find out what house you'll be staying in. These are all co-ed houses, so treat everybody with respect", announced Professor McDonalds.
Run and Her both got Grip a Door. Even though Dragon got Slip 'n Slide, Hairy wanted grip a door. Soon it was Hairy's time, and the cat beckoned Hairy. The sorting cat started talking to Hairy.
"You'd do fine on a Slip 's Slide", purred the cat.
"I like Grip a Door".
"Are you sure? I hear Slip 'n Slides are fun. All Grip a Door has are doors".
"That's fine, I'll take Grip a Door".
"Okay, Grip a Door it is then".
"GRIP A DOOR!!!!!" Growled the cat.
Hairy was in.
Hairy liked Grip a Door. There were a lot of doors. Also, there was a ghost named St. Nick. He scared people on Christmas. Hairy heard what the other houses were like. Heffalump had purple elephants and Crowbar liked beating people up with Crowbars. Slip 'n Slide was by far the evilest because it was fun.
The next day, Warthogs was a school, so Hairy had classes. Hairy had necromancy with Squirrel, Dark arts with McDonalds, and Potions class (which Her noted was really chemistry) with the greasy haired Professor Rape.
Squirrel was nice, so Hairy got good grades. McDonalds was fair, so Hairy got fair grades. Rape hated kids, so Hairy got detention.
Classes were either easy or hard, but Hairy liked the school. Run liked frogs. And also spinach, which Run told Hairy was a sport. Like soccer except you ride on ropes. Hairy was now interested.
Haggard one day wanted to show Hairy, Run and Her a secret, because that's what Haggard does. The kids all skipped school and went to Haggard's house. It was okay, because Hairy had an invisible blanket (family Heirloom).
Haggard had a pet dragon from the movie 'How To Train Your Dragon'. It breathed fire, but Haggard assured them it was nice. What the three didn't know is that Dragon Malford was watching , and went to expose to the headmaster Dumbelldork.
The next day, Haggard was sad because the dragon was gone, so he went to watch a spinach game. Hairy decided to be one of the players. While the game was going on, Run and Her went snooping around with Her saying smart things like "Nitrogen!"
All was going fine until Her noticed Rape doing something with his wand. It looked like he was sabotaging the game, so Her got Run's attention.
"Periodic Table of the element! Rape looks like he's sabotaging the game!"
"Let's do something", nodded Run.
Run chanted a cancelling spell to stop Rape's magic.
"Frogspawn!" Exclaimed Run.
Rape looked confused and continued to watch the game. What Her and run didn't know is that Squirrel is really the bad guy. Anyways, Hairy won the spinach game and Haggard was happy.
The next day, Hairy heard about a legend from Her. It went something like this:
"There is a magician's rock!"
Hairy was intrigued, so Her kept talking.
"Somewhere deep in Warthogs is a treasure called magician's rock. It has the chemistry powers to give people a life".
"So, I hear that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Talked-About wants it".
"That would be bad if he had it".
"Since He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Talked-About is weak, someone might try to steal it for him".
"We can't let that happen, I guess".
And with that, they (including Run) tried to figure out how to go to the place with the rock. But first Professor Rape gave Hairy detention. Hairy didn't like Rape much.
Apparently Haggard had a pet named Farty who was a three headed frog. Luckily Farty sleeps, but the point is that Farty sits at the entrance to the place with the rock.
When Hairy, Run, and Her got to entrance, Run was overjoyed, but scared.
"YOU LOOK LIKE TASTY!" Shouted Run.
Run was going to eat Farty, but Farty was too big, so they decided to just move him. Then they went through the entrance. Soon Run was happy again because there was a giant checkers board.
"It's JUST LIKE SPINACH!" Shouted Run.
Hairy nodded and let Run attack the checkers board. Run got hurt, so he didn't go through the next door, but Hairy and Her did.
Next door had a lot of keys to the next door. Her counted all of them and then used a magic spell to figure out the real one.
"Helium!" Screeched Her.
Hairy got the real key and Her got hurt, so Her stayed behind. With that noted, Hairy went through the last door to get the rock.
Hairy found the rock and then realized it wasn't a rock, so put it back. But Hairy also found a mirror. Just then, someone appeared.
It turned out to be Professor Squirrel, dressed up as a villain.
"I DON"T REALLY STUTTER! announced Squirrel.
"Glad to hear it", replied Hairy.
"Say, Hairy, we're friends, right? Even though I don't stutter anymore, that doesn't mean my personality changed too much, right? Harry?"
"I find it to be unprofessional to be friends with my teachers".
"Fine, but you respect me enough to give me the rock, right?"
"I would, but I don't have it".
"What do you mean, Hairy? Isn't it here?"
"Well, I thought I found the rock, but then it turned out it wasn't, so..."
"Just give it to me, boy!" Hissed a new voice.
"I'm sorry, I should explain. I thought I got a tattoo one day only to find out that it was Murdermart's face. We've been attached to each other ever since".
"Why didn't you call him 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Talked-About'?" wondered Hairy.
"Because I refer to my tattoos on a first name basis. That includes Murdermart's face".
"So does that mean you're the bad guy?"
"I guess, but I just want that rock, really".
"Because it has powers. Really Hairy, it's pretty simple. I like things with powers."
"Is that why you took the powers of that Unicorn?"
"I was never described doing that before until you mentioned it".
"Isn't it obvious? There's a lot of things that happened prior to now that wasn't described. I bet no one realizes that there was a Satyr named Pansy who told me why a man in a robe wanted to kill that Unicorn. Or that there was a Unicorn".
"Why would that be left out? It seems like important information!"
"It doesn't have to be, Run and Her and I worked around going into many details so we could hurry up and stop you".
"Well you didn't stop me! You know why?"
"Because I don't have the rock?"
"Actually, I was going to say because I don't really stutter, but you know what"
"That works too!" Hissed the face of Murdermart. Then the face continued talking.
"Now, you better give me that rock or I'll kill you!"
"I don't have it though".
"Oh, okay", replied Squirrel.
"You idiot! Check his pocket, he has it in the mirror!" Hissed Murdermart angrily.
Hairy found the rock in his left pocket and took it out. Professor Squirrel took it from Hairy to give to his other face, but as soon as he tried to put it in the other face's mouth, the rock exploded and made Squirrel (including the face) turn to a pile of dust. Hairy enjoyed saving the day, and picked up Run and Her and brought them to the Warthog general hospital.
A couple days later, Run and Her nearly recovered from their hurts. Dumbelldork wanted to see Hairy about something in his office. It might have been important. Hairy couldn't see why not, so he entered the headmaster's office.
"You did a jolly good job, Hairy. Unfortunately, someone died after the magician's rock was destroyed", uttered the old headmaster.
"Yeah, it was Squirrel".
"No, St. Nick also died. He was the creator of the magician's rock."
"That's fine, St. Nick is a ghost, so he was already dead".
"Oh, I forgot about that, thank you for reminding me Hairy".
"Not a problem".
At the Warthog's meaningless dinner ceremony, Dumbelldork gave Grip a Door enough points to have another door installed in the house. Grip a Door cheered. They liked doors. So did Hairy.
After all was said and done though, Hairy had to return to his Aunt and Uncle Vermin for the summer. But luckily, Hairy was neutral.
Stay tuned for book two in the seven book series: Hairy Plunger and the Halls of Gossip!