Wyatt awoke to the sound of thunder, jolting from his 12 hour slumber on his ripped and torn knock-off Lazy-Boy chair. Startled from the sound, he wiped the crumbs of three days of hibernation from his lap. "Hard rains gonna fall..." he thought to himself, stumbling from his chair. 32 years of neglect and hardship brought the worst of himself to life. Jobless, the state paid for him, as he had been deemed mentally incapable of taking care of himself or holding a steady job, if even part time. His family left him after he spent his life saving on an already outdated green Alienware personal computer. An investment that proved unworthy, as he could not play the game he bought it for, a game he refers to as a classic, "Doom 3".
Ironic, the game was as dark as his personality. He wasn't ever able to play the already year old game, but kept the green paperweight investment set up in a corner of his utility apartment. Perhaps he left it there as a reminder of sorts, a reminder to be a little more conscious of what he chooses to do with his life. Wyatt never had as much a fling, more less love, with a real woman. Most of his romance took place in an online game called Dark Age of Camelot. He used to log on everyday, all day, until the state decided that Internet was no longer a necessity. Since this time, loneliness overcame him.
Wyatt stumbled yet again into a closet door, mistaking it for the bathroom located on the other side of the apartment. "rraAWWewww..", adeep squelch poured out of the cracks on the door. Wyatt was visibly confused at first and pondered why a near empty closet would produce such demon noises. He turned the door knob a little, to peek inside. Fear overcame him, as he stuck his hand into the shadows. He uncovered a mass of fur, maybe a coat he thought. His mind was shot from months of near non-stop sleep and anti-social behavior. A realization awoke his mind at this moment, he had found Mittens. Mittens is a cat, not a pair of winter gloves. Mixed emotions washed over his fragile mind like Dawn dishsoap on a pile of dirty plates in a rancid bathtub sink.
Mittens was no ordinary cat, it was his 17 year old feline companion. How the cat became locked in the empty closet was not immediately obvious to Wyatt. He grabbed the large pussycat and wandered around his apartment aimlessly for what seemed like days. "What have I become?" he thought to himself. The immorality and negligence of forgetting his best friend in acloset broke his already torn heart. "I need.. Something else." He placed his cat on the floor and walked over to his kitchen. It was not a modern kitchen, it contained only a refrigerator and microwave. Stains and mold covered the counter tops, the plague of a man unkempt.
Wyatt released a sigh from his bearded face area, "Where.... Is it?" He began to frantically ransack his cleaning cabinet, looking for something. He knocked over bottles of WD-40, empty Bawls bottles, Febreeze cans from mid 2005. He grabbed a can of Wal-Mart brand Gas Computer Duster. Attached to the side was a small straw looking apparatus. He pinched the straw in his fingers and tore it from its confinements and threw it into the sink. Like some sort of cartoonish madman he put the nozzle to his mouth and inhaled from the evil can.
Time itself stopped. Wyatt had attained his own personal Zen. He became self-aware of all of time and space around him. "Now I feast."Unfortunately for him, the food for his feast was near non-existent. He opened the refridgerator and found 2 bottles of Huntz Mustard, a jar of relish and an opened Mountain Dew Gamerfuel. "THIS WILL NOT DO!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. He startled Mittens from his siesta and shook the foundation of the apartment. The matter holding up both his mind and living quarters had become compromised. He opened the freezer, slim pickings again. Ice lined the aged freezer. If his freezer were the home of a wizard name Freezor, he would be quite comfortable there. He wiped the frost from a box, probably months old. Wyatt picked it up with both hands, as if it was the tattered ancient vestments a God was slain in.
/Lean Pocket: Pepperoni & Broccoli/. The words radiated off the box like the rays of 10,000 stars. Thrill and anxiety overcame him, a familiar feeling. Wyatt felt as if he was now walking on sunshine, all the stars aligned. Yet, he was unfulfilled. He felt a feeling only an adult male feels; Horniness. He had not felt the touch of a woman for 7years. 7 years of seclusion and waste. Feeding came first, he decided. He opened the box as quickly as he could without hurting himself, and tore the meal from its confines. He got real close to the HP, to inspect its contents."Three cheeses, huh? Nice.." The thought of more than one cheese in his Hot Pocket excited him like a kid in a Meat Shop. Wyatt wasn't a big fan of Pepperoni, but he was satisfied with the Broccoli. "Weak buds on that broccoli, not good." He spoke to Mittens, gazing at him from across the kitchen. Mittens feline eyes judged him, calling him, taunting him. You could say it was the sixth sense of a cat, Mittens knew what was next.
Wyatt was so hungry that when he put the Lean Pocket into the microwave, he did not input any numbers consciously. He pressed random numbers until the microwave started itself. He figured that it would be done when he could smell the flavor. "Fuck! WHY!" Wyatt was so hungry and excited that he soiled his pants. "It's just PISS, Mittens!" He was visibly frustrated, maybe a little embarrassed that Mittens witnessed a grown man wet his pants at 3:30 in the afternoon. He was pant less and food less at this point. Wyatt had not worn underwear for years, his disappointing dangle out for the world to see. "Avert your corneas, Mittens." Mittens is a cat and doesn't understand English, but wandered off anyway. Perhaps it was the impending act that caused the retreat. Suddenly there was a beep, the LP:P&B was done. At last, his long deserved feast had arrived.
Wyatt bit into the pocket of meat cheese and vegetable like a bear taking a bite out of a fresh water salmon. "AHHHH CURSE YOU NAZ'AL AG'MONAL!" He screamed with vengeance, the LP was too hot. Had he waited 2+2 minutes, as per instructions for cooling, he would have saved his intact taste buds. In his fury, the Lean Pocket flew into the air, only for him to catch it mid air. His meal was safe, but his shirt was covered in small Broccoli pieces and Pepperoni chunks. He flung it off like it was on fire, he was a man on amission. He took a smaller bite, but felt a great unsatisfaction.
He looked down at the floor once again, only to see he had achieved something he had not seen in many moons; An Erection. Confused, he poked at it with his pinky finger, maybe he was hallucinating. "What is this god damned nonsense?!" Shock overtook him, all he wanted was to eat his Lean Pocket in peace, without interruption. Mittens was of no help, as the feline was hiding once again in the closet, safe from all of this. "Only one solution here." He grabbed his raging hardon with the force of a million black holes. He tugged and clenched it, as he does, with no results. He began to slam at it with his fist in rage, nothing. Then suddenly, thought. Maybe the only thing that makes him happy right now can help, his Lean Pocket: Pepperoni & Broccoli.
The deranged man slowly slided the LP:P&B over his penis, massaging it. Three cheeses guides his boner to maximum pleasure. Bits of Pepperoni and Broccoli bring him to a satisfying level of pleasure. "Agh! Oh my FUCK!" he screams out in pleasure, this was probably the best moment in his life. Delicious Lean Pocket, insatiable lust, the smell of Broccoli. He thrusted at the innocent microwaveable meal for what seemed like 10,000 days. Anxiety overcame him again, hunger set in. He placed the LP on the floor to finish the deed. He got down on his stomach ontop of it, with his feet above his head. He screamed and moaned as he filled his dinner with what he would refer to as "Cauliflower Sauce". Smashed, violated and abused, his dinner dripped with 4 cheeses now.
The deed done, he picked it up from the floor to take avictory chomp from it. "It was worth it." Satisfied, Wyatt stumbled back through the hallway but instead, walked into the closet door again. This time, he remembered what was it inside, but he did not know it was inside. He learned his lesson from before and opened the door to check to see what was inside. Once again, he found Mittens inside. "Gedoutta there you god damned Cat!" He wondered how it kept getting in there, but had no time for guessing games. He put his arms out to pick up the cat, when he felt the pain of every muscle in his body tense and flare like he had been sentenced to death by electric chair.
"Not today" decreed Mittens. "Return to where once you came."
Wyatt awoke again to the sound of thunder, awoken from his 12 hour sleep.