As Gerard leaves the house on his own each night, things start to get a little more messed up.
After night three I started to get concerned for him. Though this concern sort of brought us closer, it changed our whole group's dynamic. Frank started to get ever so slightly less patient with Gerard at times but at the same time sweeter to him as well. Ray started hanging out with me or Frank more and Shane cmae out with us a whole lot more too while Gerard seemed happy to let us go, which is someting I thought I wouldn't see in a million years.
I saw Shane in different ways, I realised what he meant to me. Maybe his prolonged presence with us made him seem more important to me or more easy to be around. Sometimes I saw him as an unachievable goal, to try and connect with, like a free uncontrolable gust of wind. Or as an intimate, kind, sweet kinda guy. I could sit back and watch him for some while, mulling it all over, treading over some dangerous thoughts at teh same time like a minefield.
Gerard was getting drunk more frequently too. But he hardly smelt of booze and it plain scared me to think he was getting high so I passed that thought off. His actions would get more forceful on me every night, begging to sleep with me yet again. I wouldn't let him sleep alone though, for fear of him being sick and choking. It was actaully pretty scary, seeing him like that. Inevitably, Shane began to seem as appealing, or more than, Gerard, but only when we were out the house. He has that way of letting you focus on only him. Shane can never replace any part of Gerard but it didn't sound as crazy as is used to, to say Shane was pretty important to me.
Which is something I find very hard to come to terms with. The more I compared my feelings for them, the more I convinced myself I must have a hopeless pathetic crush on Shane. Well, not as much as a crush but an insatiable desire to see how close we could be. It's hte last thing I really want but I can't help myself fantasising every once in a while. It's getting ridiculous, I mean, falling for 3 guys at once... It makes me feel like a worthless whore! I can't help it though. I keep accepting Shane's hugs and Frank words of innuendo, and Gerard's sweet pushy ways I am accustomed to. Msybe I'm confusing love for something else. Or maybe I'm just desparate for some cock... Thats so ashameful to even think that kinda stuff.
I began to become a little suspicious as to where Gerard was even going those nights he comes back 'drunk'. Frank, Shane or Ray never know where he goes. Then we always go out somewhere a day or so later. Could it be that Gerard just doesn't want to go anywhere with us? Considering he used to be stuck to me like super-glue, it doesn't make sense! It's dangerous to go out where we live too and Gerard would always ensure I'd be okay by never letting me out his sight. It seems a little hypocritical of him to be going out alone late at night and come back in such a state. I keep hoping it's just a phase but it really scares me, it really does, to him him so messed up and brain-dead.
As I mentioned before, I had decided to try and think less about how I feel for people, as I keep getting stuck in loops. It's hard to let the others do the leading with romantic stuff though. At the moment it's as if we all love each other! That's both wrong and stupid but that's what it's like! Perhpas I'm just crap with handling emotion, or basic group emotions.
I always get to think about consequences and the implications if I go to do something, so I'm trying to prevent stuff. What I mean is, if they want me and at the time I happen to want them, then I'll go with it and do what they want to do. If it feels right, y'know? Let myself be pushed around almost. Most people don't understand taht but that's really how I go about things a lot, use me if you will and if I don't like it then I'll tell you. If I do, carry on until I can make my dman mind up.
It's sad that Gerard comes home drunk so often that I now put out a bed for him in my room each night. It's sad that he's pushed back to fucking himself up so much, especailly since I was sure Frank was some sort of relief for him. I can't stress how worried this all makes me, how scary it is to see taht crooked grin on Gerard's face when he slinks through my bedroom door and know I'll have to fight him off once more without enraging him too badly.