The Mighty Olds
‘The road windeth ever on…’ quoth Scoot, ‘under sun and wind and stars…’
‘Traveler, there is no path,’ quoth the Stranger.
‘All paths art made by walking,’ finished Richard.
‘Then why the fuck art we just sitting here talking?’ quoth Nori. ‘Let us get our asses in gear!’
‘Shut up,’ quoth the Stranger. ‘Ye talk too much,’
And it came to pass that a lone tumbleweed didst blow down the highway, bouncing and knocking Nori down.
‘Ow! Fuck!’ cried Nori as she didst struggle underneath yon roaming plant. ‘Get it off! Get it off!’
And it came to pass that Casey didst grab the tumbleweed, and it didst bite his hand.
‘Ow! Shit!’ cried he as he didst shake his hand frantically, and yet the tumbleweed wouldst not let go.
And Richard didst kick the little fucker, and to this day, no one knoweth where it came to land.
‘Thanks, bro,’ quoth Casey as he didst nurse his wounded hand.
‘Ha!’ cried Nori. ‘Take that, thou ass-sniffing, elephant-porking felch queen!’
‘Shut up,’ quoth the Stranger, ‘ye talk too much.’
‘Ye shut up!’ cried Nori, ‘And wilt thou quit… saying… that…’
And that was when she and her fellow dumbasses didst notice that they were under attack by an army of killer tumbleweeds.
‘ ’Tis weed-whackin’ time!’ cried Yoco as he didst draw the Edge.
‘Fuck the bullshit!’ quoth Scoot as he didst draw his New and Improved HellRazor. ‘ ’Tis time to mow down!’
And the Dudes didst power up and mow down wave after wave of the dreaded flora.
‘We canst not keep this up!’ cried Dirty Uncle Orty, for he was hacking and slashing with all his might. ‘This land is infested with the little shagnasty shrubberies!’
‘Damn their oily hides!’ cried Nori.
And Adria didst whip out her Zippo lighter, and said unto the killer tumbleweeds: ‘See this and tremble! For I cometh with the fire!’
‘Fire!’ cheered the Dudes.
And at the sight of the flames, the ever-migrating herd of undead weeds didst suddenly find a better direction to blow.
‘Hell yeah! Ye better run!’ quoth Richard. ‘For we have more where that came from!’
‘Damn straight!’ quoth Nori.
And it came to pass that the God of David Letterman’s Hairpiece didst appear before them as little Maggie Simpson, and said unto them in the voice of Darth Vader: ‘This is indeed a disturbing universe… Hail, Dudes! Thou hast done well so far, but there is still a long road ahead of thee.’
And Matt didst fold his arms and nod his head and wink, and a boat, a great battleship of an Olds, didst appear before them.
‘I give unto thee the Mighty Olds, for ’twas made back in the day, when cars were real cars, and cherry-bombs were real cherry-bombs. It hath A-C and a kickass stereo system. What else dost thou need?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Yea, tho I have no license, I shall take life by the wheel and drive us unto the next Spooky Door, and whatever cometh our way!’
‘Then go forth, O Scootly One,’ spake the God of Cops That Don’t Beat the Shit Out of Black People (Both of Them), ‘for Derrick and I must exploreth new Spooky Doors. Follow the path wherever it leadeth… It is thy destiny…’
And Matt didst vanish from their midst.
‘That’s a good question,’ quoth Richard. ‘Where dost the path lead?’
‘Which way…’ quoth the Stranger, and he didst quantemplate. ‘We must go… that way to findeth the next Spooky Door.’
And so the Dudes didst pile into the Mighty Olds, that they might go that way.
‘Let’s roll,’ quoth Scoot. And as he stood looking down the road in the golden twilight of the storm clouds on the horizon, he said unto them: ‘Thou’rt in for one hell of a ride. Dudes, crank it up and roll out!’
And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst burn rubber and drive off into the sunset at a reasonable and prudent speed.
‘This sound system doth almost kick as much ass as the Ort-Mobile!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty.
‘I wouldn’t looketh behind us if I were thee,’ quoth Casey. ‘We art about to have company.’
For there were several highway patrol cars behind them, coming upon them with flashing lights and sirens.
‘Pay The Man!’ cried the cops as they didst open fire on the Mighty Olds.
‘Thou’rt not going to tell us to surrender like that cowardly bitch Fuct, art thou?’ quoth Adria as she didst power up and shieldeth the Olds with her energy.
‘Fuck tha police!’ quoth Richard as he didst buckle his seatbelt for the first time in their road trip. ‘We canst out-drive those pigs any day!’
‘Let us see if their crumple zones art functioning properly…’ quoth Scoot. ‘Power of Steel, indeed!’
For the Mighty Olds was the last of a breed, made of real metal, and those new plastic cars were no match for its might.
‘Yoink!’ quoth Nori as she didst flit over to the lead car and didst steal the Skeleton Key from the Chief.
And it came to pass that Scoot didst run them off the road with his insane and reckless maneuvers.
‘Freedom!’ cried Pookie, for he didst remember their last battle with the authorities, and how much it had sucked. ‘Straight ahead, Scoot! and hang a right at the vanishing point!’
And the Dudes didst roll on under the stars, finding shortcuts to nowhere past where all the road sings end, through all the strange places in between, just running with the wind.
At last the Dudes didst come upon a Spooky Door, and there they didst stop.
‘Orty,’ quoth Scoot. ‘To thee I entrust the Skeleton Key. Watch it well.’
‘Aye,’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty. ‘I will. Go get that cock-knocker for me, Scoot.’
With that, the Dudes didst pass thru the Spooky Door.