"You okay honney?" I asked as I walked into the room, I stopped when I got to the full length mirror. And looked at my stomach at different angles - it honestly looked like I had swallowed a beach ball.
"Um - Yeh I-I'm fine." He muttered. I turned and sat next to him, he had been acting a bit off - I don't know whether it was nerves on becoming a Dad or he was falling out of love with me.
"You've just been acting differently lately." I mumbled.
"Sorry, it's just I'm nervous about being a Dad y'know."
"Don't worry you'll be amazing!" I whispered as I pecked him on the lips lightly.
I lay down under the covers and turned onto my side. Gerard slipped underneath the quilt and pulled me close to him, he gazed into my eyes and then my huge swollen stomach. If I had one chance to be able to read a mind for a few minutes, I would use that chance now. He must have noticed my worried look beause he flashed me a weak smile. He leaned forward and kissed me passionately. He gazed into my eyes sadly before breaking the silence.
"I love you Ellie and our baby - so don't ever forget it." He whispered. He kissed me once more before stroking my stomach.
"I love you too Gee." I muttered as I drifted off into a deep sleep.
I woke up to an empty bed, confused I glanced at the clock, 06:00AM it read. That was strange - he was normally a late sleeper. I heaved myself out of the bed and looked in the bathroom, empty. Maybe he was down stairs ? I shuffled down taking brakes every once in a while. He wasn't anywhere downstairs. I sighed and walked back up the stairs, I checked all the other bedrooms. Empty - well apart from Mikey, Frank and Donna in their bedrooms. I wonder where he was ? I sighed and walked back into our bedroom. I noticed a little envelope on the bedside cabinet. It was addressed to me in Gerard's handwriting. I opened it slowly to read the letter.
To my beloved Ellie,
I don't blame you if you don't forgive me for what I have done, but I have decided to leave town for a while. It's not you, it's me - I just don't think I will be a good enough Dad for our child. Please don't give our baby away, eventhough I wont be there to watch them grow - I know you will be as good as both of us put together. I want you to know how much I love you - don't ever forget me, I love you too much. I have enclosed the comic book money for you to use on yourself and our baby.
Until we met again,
All my heart
I collapsed onto the floor screaming and crying. He couldn't leave me, not while I was pregnant with his child and engaged to him. The door opened and I turned to see Frank, he ran in and wrappd his arms around me.
"Ellie, whats wrong !? Wheres Gerard ?!" That final question made me cry even more. Suddenly Donna ran in, I handed her and Frank the letter as I collapsed into a heart broken heap. This was it - he had finally left me for good.
"The fucking nob head !" Frank shouted angrily, as Donna shook her head and sighed very sadly. They both wrapped their arms around me and soothed me as I cried even harder. I must have been crying too hard because suddenly my shorts felt wet, I looked down in horror to realise my waters had broke.
"Shit ! " I cried, "My waters have broke !" I shrieked and panicked as Frank and Donna whipped into birthing mode. Frank rushed out to wake Mikey and get dressed - whilst Donna helped me get changed and quickly got changed herself. She then hurried me down the stairs and grabbed the car keys. Mikey and Frank were closed behind, they both sat on either side of me in the back as Donna sped down the driveway. I felt a contraction, I made a weird moaning cry as Frank made quick breathing noises with me.
"Ellie, you sound like a whale !" He giggled, trying to lighten the mood. I gave him a quick smile and carried on my heavy breathing. Frank rang into the hospital to let them know we were on our way there. I was heartbroken, I was going to give birth to mine and Gerard's child and he wasn't even there. When the car pulled up two nurses and my doctor - Dr. Portman were waiting with a wheelchair. I was hurried into the wheel chair while nurses and family surrounded me. We reached a hospital room where there was a bed with all the instruments needed to bring a baby out of me. I lay on the hospital bed as I was given gas and air to breath in. After mutterings between nurses and Donna, Mikey and Frank comforting me, a nurse turned to me.
"Okay Ellie, I need you to push." She instructed me, I nodded as I felt a contraction. Frank and Mikey held my hands as I squose the hell out of them. Donna stroked and kissed my forehead and each of them encouraged me.
After one final push I heard a tiny cry, as soon as I did a trigger inside me told me to tend to this little voice. I felt a little bundle placed into my arms. I looked down to see a beautiful little baby.
"Congratulations, you have a beautiful baby girl."
I felt the tears well up in my eyes, she was beautiful - perfect. She looked just like Gerard and yet, he wasn't here to love her. Frank kissed my forehead and hugged me tight.
"You did it beautiful ! I have a gorgeous little niece." He squealed with tears in his eyes. I turned to Mikey who was the same, Uncle Mikey !" He giggled.
I looked up at Donna who was crying tears of pure joy.
"You amazing wonderful woman, look at this beautiful treasure you brought into the world." She hugged and kissed my forehead.
"Do you want first hold, Nana Donna ?" I asked giggling, Donna beamed and carefully took the beautiful baby.
I was now washed and dressed watching Mikey cradle my little baby girl. My heart ached for Gerard, but he was gone and I had to look over our child now and be both of the parents - of course she would have her amazing uncles and nana. I and gazed down at her as Mikey passed her back to me. I studied her fondly, god she was the spitting image of her dad. She had my shaped face, his pale skin, his big hazel - green eyes and a thick head of black hair. I kissed her on her forehead gently and she stared at me with her hypnotic eyes.
"So have you thought of any names ?" Donna asked excitedly, I nodded - I had just thought of it then.
"Her name is Helena - Arthur Way." Donna burst out crying with joy when she heard the name, where as Mikey and Frank aww'ed and complimented the name. I named her Helena, as it was my middle name and Gerard's grandma - who he loved dearly, was named Elena. And since I used my middle name - I decided to use Gerard's, and since I was propsed to him, she would have their surname. So there she was little Helena - Arthur Way, the bundle of joy who was my light in the darkness.
It had been three years since Hellie had been born, three years since I had seen Gerard. I had moved out of Donna's house a year ago but visited regularly. She was like my momma to me and Frank and Mikey were my amazing uncles. I was now twenty one and working from home as a magazine editor for a rock magazine I had created. I had quite a luxurious life style, but I spent most of my money making my beautiful daughter happy. It was Christmas Eve and Me and Hellie had been invited to spend the christmas holidays at the Way's. I had packed mine and Hellie's suitcase.
"Hellie baby, you ready ?" I called as I walked to her bedroom, the child was born a rocker - I tried my little pony with her but she immediately went for ruby gloom. What can I say ? She has taste. I opened the door to find her sat on her bedroom floor cuddling her gothic ragdoll she has had since she was one. She lifted her arms up as a sign for me to carry her.
"Uppie Mommy." She said in her adorable voice. I smiled and lifted her up and held her on my hip. I walked with her to my bedroom. I grabbed out suitcase and held the adustable handle. I gazed at our reflection in the full length mirror. God, she looked more and more like Gerard every day. She was a perfect size, with pale skin and beautiful big hazel - green eyes, perfect rose pink lips and black hair that reached just under her ears, she had a little streak of electric blue which I had given her as a treat because it was christmas. I then looked at myself, I had gotten taller than my old short self. I had dark brown hair which reached just past my shoulders, it was in loose curls with electric blue streaks. I had my fringe pinned back in a slight quiff, it was part blue from the under layer streaks. I had a black and white striped long sleeve tee that hugged my slender body, I wore a black leather jacket and tight black skinny jeans, I had a pair of black heeled converses to give me more height. I also had my regular make up on ... and my two rings. I didn't think about him much anymore, who am I kidding - I haven't gone through a single day since without a thought of him running through my mind.
"Whose momma's sexy girll ?" I teased as I looked at my beautiful daughter.
She squealed and giggled as she stared into the mirror, she was wearing a black dress, with stripy blue and black tights and little black converses. She had a little black leather jacket with badges pinned and ironed on, she was my little rock chick. She was small for her age and normally got away with lots of things by her nana Donna and uncle Frank and Mikey - oh yes and her aunties Jamia and Alicia.
"Shall we go see nana Donna and unkee Frankie and Mikoo and Auntee Licy and JamJam ?" I asked her and she squealed happily.
"Yay!" She cried clapping her hands. I kissed her on her cheek and held her on my right hip as I wheeled out suitcase down the hallway and stairs and down to the front door. I set the alarm and locked the door. I walked over to the big black hummer. I had a thing for big cars and I had bought it as soon as I got the money to.
I strapped Hellie into her car seat in the back and closed the door. I put the suitcase in the boot and checked to see if I had remembered all the presents - including Hellie's. I looked my house and sighed, it was a huge house that was amazing for just me and Hellie - but would be even better with Gerard. I sighed and walked over to my car door. I put slipped inside and put mine and Hellie's faveourite CD on, it was Frank's band Pency prep and Hellie loved them - mainly because Frank was on there.
"Unkee Frank!!" She squealed as we sang along. One and a half CD's later, we had arrived at Donna's. I noticed a car pulled up that I didn't recognise. Meh, probably one of Donna's friends. I stepped out of the car and popped the keys in my jeans pocket. I walked over to the boot and pulled out the bag of presents for Donna and everyone, leaving Hellies until later when she was asleep. I then went to the car door which Hellie was next to, I opened it and unbuckled her and held her on my hip. She began playing with my hair and singing back in black by ACDC. This girl was unbelieveable. I giggled and sang along with her, when we reached the front door Hellie was in a world of her own singing her heart out. I opened the door just as Hellie was singing the chorus as loud as she could, I placed her down on her feet and she began singing louder.
"Hows my lil rocker !?" Frank called as he ran down the hallway and swooped Hellie into his arms. Hellie giggled and squirmed.
"Unkee Fwankie sing with me !" She squealed as she carried on singing the chorus and Frank joined in.
"Your as bad as her Frank." I laughed, as he chuckled and resumed singing. I walked into the living room to see Jamia, Alicia and Mikey. They all stood up and greeted me with warm hugs. Then Frank and Hellie came in and they all cooed over her.
"We were singing ACDC!" she squealed happily.
"You taught her well." Chuckled Mikey.
"Hey wheres Donna ?" I asked as Hellie sat between Frank and Mikey, Jamia and Alicia were watching her fondly.
"Oh she's in the kitchen -- but you might not want to go in there." Said Mikey, I stopped at the door, why wouldnt I want to go and help Donna !? I saw Alicia nudge Mikey angrily and an awkward look go across all of their faces. Meh, whatever.
"Riighht, well erm come on hun lets go see momma's old bedroom yeh ?" Hellie squealed as I placed her on my hip and smiled and nodded at the group.
"Call me when dinner is ready, kay - just giving Hellie a tour." They nodded and smiled as I walked out of the room. As soon as I stepped out there was angry whispering. I hummed phantom of the opera by iron maiden to Hellie and she happily hummed too. I walked down the hallway until I reached the bedroom. I sighed before opening it.
"So Hellie, this is where your Momma used to sleep!" I said to her as I stepped into the room. It hadn't changed a bit since I had last stayed in here - which was three years ago. I couldn't stay in here without Gerard. Hellie squealed when she saw some of my posters that I had pinned up.
"You like that alice cooper poster sweetie ?" I asked in a slight baby voice to her.
"Ali Cupper Ali Cupper !" She clapped her hands. I put her on her feet on the floor and laughed while she sang ACDC back in black - it really was her faveourite song, I leaned over the desk to get the poster for her. I was unpinning the final corner when Hellie grabbed my leg and hid behind it. She had stopped singing. I looked down at her nervous face.
"Whats up babe ?" I asked confused.
"Whose t-that man momma?" She asked as she pointed at the door. I turned to see a shocked Gerard at the door. Fuck. He looked good, I felt my mouth hand open.
"Mo-ommm--yy!" Hellie cried getting upset. I picked her up and handed her the A4 poster.
"Look Hellie - Alice Cooper, Wow !" I put on and over enthusiastic voice as she squealed and kissed the picture. I propped her up on my right hip and I turned to Gerard.
"I-I didn't ..." He stuttered.
"Yeh well I didn't know were going to be here either." I said flatly. I was seriously pissed of at him, but he looked amazing. His hair was still the same untamed mess it was when we were younger, he was wearing an ACDC tee, a black leather jacket, black skinny jeans and black converses, he was taller and had lost alot of weight. We stood in awkward silence gazing at eachother and then Hellie.
"Momma! He has an ACDC tshirwt like me!" Hellie said in amazement pointing her finger at Gerard's chest. Gerard looked down at his top.
"D-do you like ACDC then?" He asked shakily, clearly in complete shock. Hellie was completely oblivious to the awkwardness, but I mentally thank her for breaking the silence.
"Yep, Me and momma alwaysh sing the songs and I have all their powsters in my room." She babbled excitedly. Gerard gazed in amazement at her and then at me and then back at our daughter.
"Momma can we go get the CD's?" Hellie asked excitedly. I smiled and nodded at her before beginning to walk out the door. Gerard moved to the side slightly, staring at the floor with the most guilt ridden expression on his face. My heart sank slightly, I loved him but I was furious at him for breaking my heart and leaving me to give birth and raise our child without him. We stepped out the door and went to the car and grabbed the huge selection of CD's.
"Momma, that man lookyed at you funny." She said gazing at me with her beautiful eyes. If a three year old managed to notice that he must have been giving me some serious glares when I wasn't looking. I smiled and pulled out suitcase too and walked back into the house.
"Ellie, Helena-Arthur ! " Donna cried, she always called Hellie by her full name. It was a bit of a mouthful so I just stuck with Hellie.
"Hey Donna !" I greeted, I hugged and kissed her on the cheek.
"Nana Donnie! Look at my hair !" Hellie cried. Donna did a surprise shocked gasp and complimented her on it which made Hellie giggle and smile her head off.
"oh and Ellie I invited --"
"Oh I know, I was in our old room, showing Hellie and getting her one of my old posters, when he walked in, he chatted to her because he loved his top - but oh god I could have cried I was really caught off guard." I sighed, Donna hugged me once more and smiled.
" I told you I played cupid." She grinned. She had planned this ! I shook my head and smiled.
"Listen you two leave the suitcase there and why dont you look at the presents under the tree ?" Hellie giggled at Donna's suggestion and I carried her into the livingroom. I knelt down with her at the christmas tree as she held her CD's protectively in her little pale hands.
"Wow Hellie what CD's have you got there ?" Mikey asked as he knelt down infront of her.
"Unkee Mikoo! I got two more new ones!" Hellie cried excitedly.
"Hey Mikey is it okay if you watch Hellie for a bit ? I'm gonna help Donna with dinner." Mikey nodded.
I kissed Hellie on the cheek as she babbled away to Mikey about her vast CD collection, all rock, emo punk and heavy metal of course. I stood and brushed my jeans down before walking out into the hallway, through the dining room and then into the kitchen.
"Donna do you need any help ?" I asked politely, she turned and smiled at me.
"I would have said no before, but I would really appreciate it." I smiled and began setting the plates up ready to have food on, the table was already set. I started chopping vegetables when suddenly the door burst open.
"Momma!" Hellie cried. I turned to see Hellie walk into the kitchen with a strop on, to say she was three she had immature characteristics.
"Whats up rock chick ?" I asked, I knew that name would soften her up immediately.
"My Black sabbaa CD is not here." She said sadly.
"Do you want momma to get your black sabbath CD ?" I asked with a smile. She nodded and I walked out of the kitchen. Hellie skipped into the living room happily and I pulled keys out from my pocket and went out the front to the car. I opened it up and slid across the seats and retrieved the CD from under the passenger seat. I walked back to towards the house when I realised the back door was open. I walked down the side of the house and into the back garden, I walked all the way to the back wall and pulled myself up. I sat and gazed at the fields and sighed. I remember sitting here when I had just had Hellie. I think anytime I sat here was because of Gerard. I gazed into the fields and hummed a little tune to myself, I think it was a collection of songs.
"Hey." A voice said from the darkness. I jumped out of my skin and turned to see Gerard climbing up the wall. He sat next to me, just nearer than arms length from me.
"Hey." I said quietly, resuming my gaze into the fields.
"Did you get my letter?" He asked. I was seriously pissed off, thats all he could say !?
"Yes. Yes I did." I replied.
"I'm sorry - I hope you understand." I snapped my ehad round to face him. Understand !? Under-fucking stand ?!
"Oh yes, I understood perfectly - you didn't want to raise our child so you left, leaving me only a letter and a bit of money." I said my voice becomming thick with tears.
"I- I just, I thought I would, I didn't.."
"Look Gerard, you didn't want to be a Dad, so you left me to raise our daughter. Eventhough my hearts broken and I'm single parent at twenty one. I'm fine ! So don't go making up shit excuses on why you broke my heart and left me and Hellie!" I cried, wiping the tears away angrily.
"I-is that her name ? ... Hellie?" He asked quietly.
"Yes, Helena - Arthur Way. But most people call her Hellie."
"Y-you named her after me ? and my Grandma ?" He said as tears formed in his eyes.
"Yes, I named her after me and your grandma and you, and gave her you surname because when I gave birth to her I thought I was still going to marry you and you would come back to me!" I said sadly.
"You still wear the rings ?" He asked sadly. I glanced down at my hand.
"Yes." I said blankly.
"I-I'm so sorry Ellie, please forgive me." He cried. I felt the tears pour down my face. No, I would not forgive him. Everytime I did he would brake my heart even more.
"Save it Gerard, everytime I forgive you - you break my heart again and guess what ? My heart is still broken from last time." I cried as I jumped down off the wall and made my way towards the house. I looked at myself in the hallway mirror, thankgod all my makeup was waterproof. I plastered a big grin on my face as I walked into the living room.
"Here it is babe." I smiled as I handed her the CD. Jamia and Alicia noticed that there was something wrong as soon as I walked in because as soon as I handed Hellie her CD I was dragged out into the hallway.
I told them exactly what had happened and broke down in tears, they wrapped their arms around me and hugged me warmly. I sighed and wiped my tears.
"I think he still loves you, and he was too embarrassed over what he did to come back to you." Jamia said with a thoughtful look on her face. Alicia nodded in agreement.
"Yes but just think, if he knew I was coming tonight he probably wouldn't have turned up and I wouldn't have seen him ever again." Alicia opened her mouth to say something when Frank screamed out excitedly.
"Dinner is reaadddyyyy !!!!" We all cheered as I picked up Hellie who was busily discussing CD's with Mikey. I read the name tags on the table. I was sat in my old seat. Mikey to the left of me, Jamia to the right, Frank facing Jamia, Alicia facing Mikey and Donna at the head of the table. Which ment Gerard was opposite me. Fuck.
Gerard slipped into the dining room and sat in his seat. I had Hellie sat on my knee.
"Nana Donnie ? can I listen to my sing songs ?" Hallie asked sweetly, Donna smiled and nodded as I carried Hellie over to the stereo.
She handed me a CD as I slipped it into the stereo and let it play. Hellie squealed and clapped her hands. I carried her back as smashing pumpkins began to play. I sat her on my knee as I fed her little bits of mash and peas off my plate, she happily ate it up.
"God her music tastes have improved even more!" Frank chuckled.
"Yep I'm getting my little rocker into Misfits now arent I ?!" I cooed at her as she dipped her finger in the puddle of gravy on my plate.
"Unkee Mikoo is giving me tee tee." Hellie mumbled to herself as I ate a bit of my dinner. I could feel Gerard's piercing eyes on us both. When we were both full I moved my plate and sat Hellie on the table facing me. I began playing peekaboo with her which had her in hysterics. When the fun in that had died down she turned to Frank, Alicia and then me.
"Momma I was tat tat- oooh's like yow unkee frankie and anteh licy and youw!" Hellie giggled in her slight baby language voice.
"Thats my rocker." Alicia smiled.
"I never knew you had a tattoo Ellie." Donna said with a smile. I blushed and looked away.
"Hellie, do you want to tell me where your momma's tattoo is ?" Donna asked with a grin.
Hellie giggled, "She hash my name on there." She said as she placed her hand on her heart, well it wouldn't exactly be my heart.. but still.
Frank let out a cackle as Jamia giggled with Alicia and Mikey wolf whistled. I put my head in my hands and blushed.
"Hellie that was a secret!" I giggled.
"I see it all the time when we have owur baths together!" Hellie giggled. I smiled and kissed her forehead.
"But Momma says, that only her true love will ever see it!" Hellie announced loudly. I grinned and hugged her.
"Your my true love then! My sexy rock chick!" I said as I hugged her tight.
Hellie turned to look at Gerard.
"Have you seen my Momma's tattoo ?" She asked innocently, Gerard choked and coughed. My mouth hung open at the question.
"Hellie you dont ask questions like that !" I whispered to her.
"Yes but have you ?" Hellie asked once again, her stare fixed on Gerard.
"Well, when I looked - it wasn't there, but I'm hoping I might." He replied calmly. Fuck. Did he just say that to our daughter !? Hellie giggled as I kept completely quiet. How DARE he say something like that to our daughter. Donna came to the rescue breaking the silence.
"Who wants dessert !?" She asked with a happy tone.
We all cheered as I kept quiet.
Hellie stared at me worriedly, "Momma...are you okay?"
I turned and put a fake smile on for her, " Yep !" I grinned.
I think this is the longest chapter I have ever written, it certainly felt like it ! xxxxxxx thanks for all the comments and please carry on sending me your thoughts and opinions - I love reading them xxxxx much love and thanks xxx Ellie Frank and Gerard xxxxxxx