Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Macabre 10 - XXI - XXII - XXIII - XXIV

by shadesmaclean 0 Reviews

The Outhouse of Time XXI - XXIV

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Characters:  - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2011/01/16 - Updated: 2011/01/16 - 1141 words - Complete

‘Run away! Run Away!’ cried Scoot, and the Dudes didst retreat back to the Outhouse, and didst pile therein.

‘Crap!’ cried Nori, and she didst plug her nose, ‘I forgot about the smell!’

‘Behold!’ quoth Orty, ‘the Power of Cheese!’

‘Cheese giveth me gas,’ quoth Casey.

And the Dudes didst run back out of the Outhouse. But just as they were remembering the dinosaur stampede, they didst notice that they were now in a crowded city, full of mighty towers of glass and steel. Vehicles didst hover around, and the people were girded from head to foot in fiber-optics.

‘Hot-damn!’ quoth Orty, ‘methinks we art in the future!’

‘No shit!’ quoth Nori. ‘What gave ye that idea? But how far?’

And before them lay a statue, thrown down from a great height. ’Twas made in the likeness of the Dark Lord Will Bates of South City, the self-proclaimed Overlord of Cyberspace. He was adorned as a bust of Pallas, and had been vandalized to the point that the only thing that wasn’t spray-painted was his eyebrows.

‘Well,’ quoth Scoot, ‘it doth look like Sir Richard hath accomplished his mission.’

Wilt accomplish his mission,’ spake the God of Magic as he didst appear before them as Q in a flash of light, ‘but thou shouldst not know too much about thy future.

‘There is no sign of Loki in this where and when. For always in motion is the future, and the past is not what it used to be. Now go forth and findeth him before he canst concentrate the timeline any further.

‘I must away to think up new ways to piss off Captain Picard. Fare thee well, Dudes! The look on his face… Hee! Hee!…’

And so the God of Evil vanished from their midst in a flash of light.

‘Wait a minute!’ quoth Nori, ‘for I thought that dumbass was liberated from the Box!’

‘Alas,’ quoth Scoot, ‘some never truly escapeth from the Box. Come to think of it, David, what art thou doing here, anyway?’

‘Thou meaneth when the hell am I doing here, right, Scoot?’ spake the Demigod. ‘The God of Free Refills hath sent me to keep an eye on thee, that thou might not fuck up the Space-Time Continuum. Well, anymore than we already have.

‘I canst not sense Loki Amaya anywhere in this when. We shouldst go back to the Outhouse and try again.’

And so the Dudes went back unto the Outhouse.

Turn thee to XIX.

‘Who’f arted?’ spake the Demigod David as he didst appear in their midst, causing the Outhouse to become even more crowded.

And all didst look unto the Hans.

‘Hey!’ quoth the Hans, ‘ ’twas not I!’

‘Sayeth the Purple Cow!’ quoth Nori. ‘Ugh! I can’t stand the stench anymore!’

And the Dudes didst scramble out of the Outhouse to findeth that they were running toward the Great Wall of China.

Only ’twas still under construction.

‘Whoa…’ quoth Scoot. ‘So, what the hell art thou doing here, Lord David?’

‘Thou meaneth when the hell am I doing here, right, Scoot?’ spake the Demigod. ‘The God of Free Refills hath sent me to keep an eye on thee, that thou might not fuck up the Space-Time Continuum. Well, anymore than we already have.

‘I canst not sense Loki Amaya anywhere in this when. We shouldst go back to the Outhouse and try again—’

But David was interrupted as a group of soldiers came forth from the Wall, and their Captain said unto them: ‘Halt! In the name of the Emperor, identify thyselves! Or thou shalt spend the rest of thy lives building this wall for his divine glory!’

‘Go tell thine Emperor to get bent!’ quoth Scoot, and he didst draw the HellRazor.

‘Dost thou dare defy the Tyger of Qin!?’ demanded the Captain. ‘And what the hell is that stench?’

‘The Tyger of Qin is no match for the Might of Old!’ quoth Scoot, and he didst power up.

‘Wait thee a damn minute!’ quoth Nori. ‘How the flying fuck art we able to talk to these assholes?’

‘Ah, that wouldst be my doing,’ spake David, ‘for I am allowing thee to understand each others’ minds—’

‘Enough of this!’ cried the Captain. ‘Thou shalt kneel before our glorious Emperor or die!’

And he didst attack.

Scoot didst power up, and the Dudes didst draw their weapons and follow suit. With a swift blow from the HellRazor, Scoot didst bend the Captain’s blade asunder.

And the soldiers didst panic and run away.

Quoth the Scootly One: ‘Rise up! Wake up and take back thy lives! For freedom is the right of all sentient beings!’

‘Um, Scoot…’ spake David, ‘we shouldst go, for Loki is nowhere to be found, and thou’rt totally fucking up history.’

‘Oh,’ quoth Nori, ‘like the time thou gaveth Julius Caesar that pretzel on the Ides of March?’

‘Oh, just come on. Thou hast done enough damage.’

And so the Dudes didst go back unto the Outhouse.

But in an alternate timeline, a past that never was, a slave didst take Scoot’s words to heart, and didst wake up the minds of the People, and they didst rebel and overthrow the Emperor. And it came to pass that they didst start the first democratic state of the Ancient World, which wouldst ultimately evolve into the People’s Anarchist Haven of China, for the People had better things to do with their lives than build walls between neighbors…

Turn thee to XVII.

‘There’s Waldo!’ cried Loki Amaya, for he had a lot of experience dealing with the Authorities.

‘Ah-ha!’ cried the cops, ‘we have thee now!’

‘Oh no!’ cried Waldo, for he had been trying to hide amongst a growing crowd of hookers in bunny suits. But Dirty Uncle Orty didst stick his foot out and trip him, and the cops didst beat the crap out of him and slap him in chains, for they had been seeking him for years.

Damn!’ quoth one of the cops, ‘verily I say, he’s just not trying very hard anymore!’

‘Okay! Okay!’ cried Waldo. ‘I confess! I have an unpaid parking ticket from 1981! Please don’t hurt me!’

‘Shit!’ quoth Nori. ‘Is that why he hath been hiding all these years!?’

‘Well,’ quoth Scoot, ‘that’s one of the many great mysteries of the Universe solved. Only about a million more to go.’

‘Aye…’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, ‘like why people parketh in driveways and driveth on parkways.’

‘No,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I think that is one of those deals wherein if thou kneweth the answer, ’twould drive thee mad. Now let us go.’

Turn thee to XVI.

‘Let us go home,’ quoth Scoot.

And the Dudes didst go forth and journey unto their homes.

Turn thee to IV.
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