Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
‘That Doth Not Sound Healthy’
or,
‘Apocalypse HOW?’
And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst transport the Dudes back to Scootly Ko’An Manor after their kick-ass (and inexplicable) appearance on the Late Show.
‘…Fuckin’ A!’ quoth Nori, ‘That didst rock the house!’
‘Didst thou see the looks on their faces when we didst appear out of nowhere!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty. ‘Ye rule, mighty Gods of Hondo!’
‘Or when Megatron didst blow the shit outta those guys in the back with the “Prime 3:16” signs with his arm cannon!’ quoth the Hans.
‘Well, ye know, everything’s funnier when Megatron bloweth the shit out of it,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Thou hast a point!’ quoth Richard. ‘Verily I say, that guy’s out of his fuckin’ mind! As President, he couldst give me a run for my money!’
‘Or when he didst make Richard Simmons dance!’ quoth Adria. ‘Talketh about sweatin’ to the Oldies!’
‘Hell, even he didst sing along with Pocket Poodle,’ quoth Loki Amaya.
‘Yeah, after the Gods of Hondo didst fuck up his logic circuits!’ quoth Casey.
‘Mayhap he’s not all that bad!’ quoth Loki.
‘Aye,’ quoth Nori, ‘but he’s still a fuckin’ Republicon!’
‘ ’Tis not like the world wilt end if he’s elected!’ quoth RJ, ‘…Wilt it?’
And the Prophetess Adria didst clear her throat—
‘Taketh it easy tonight, O great Prophetess of Hondo,’ spake the God of Someone Else’s Problem Fields, ‘we shall take it from here… But I don’t know… Shouldst we tell them, Derrick?’
And Derrick didst think about it, and he didst look like he was in great pain.
‘Oh, come on, we canst handle it,’ quoth Nori. ‘Tell us, mighty Gods of Hondo, how wilt the world end?’
‘Well,’ spake the God of Infinite Games, ‘we didst look in Jehovah’s pocket planner—’
‘So that’s where it went!’ a voice thundered muffledly from the heavens.
‘—And it doth seem that the Apocalypse was sheduled for Friday, August 8, 2005.’
‘That was supposed to be a secret!’
‘But fear not,’ spake the God of the Twilight Zone, ‘for we have no intention of letting the world end during our reign. But if it didst…
‘That wilt be the day, the day the music and the words finally run out…
‘For the Dudes wouldst get lost on the highway whilst Scoot was asleep at the wheel of the Scoot Mobile.’
‘And just how wouldst that be different from normal, mighty God of the Twilight Zone?’ quoth the Hans.
‘Scoot wouldst actually stop and asketh for directions.’
‘Oh.’
‘And there shalt be great tremors in the earth, and popcorn shalt erupt from the ground!
‘And tombstones shalt sprout out of the ground wherever anyone hath died…’
‘We art the Delta and the Theta, the Change and the Angle,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts.
Spake the God of Nothing: ‘And mailboxes shalt eat mailmen and spew letters all over the sidewalk!
‘Traffic lights shalt shoot lasers at pedestrians and vehicles alike!
‘And vending machines shalt bite the people’s hands and not let go…’
‘We art the Delta and the Theta, the Change and the Angle,’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking.
Spake the God of Uncertified Boxes: ‘And Napoleon shalt return to conquer Wal-Marts one-by-one!
‘And all mirrors shalt become portals that leadeth unto worlds within worlds!
‘In the Hour of Scurrying, the Dalai Llama shalt giveth a call to arms, but the Buddhist Liberation Front— all three of them— continueth to sit on their asses tokin’…’
‘We art the Delta and the Theta, the Change and the Angle,’ spake the God of Fist Pounding.
Spake the God of Friendly Ghosts: ‘And the people‘s veins shalt flow with pasta, and their breath shalt smell of stinky cheese!
‘And all the gold in the world shalt be turned into foil-wrapped chocolate!
‘And the Sphinx shalt rise up and be revenged of her spited nose, marching forth on Jerusalem and Mecca to call time-out in the Middle East!…’
‘We art the Delta and the Theta, the Change and the Angle,’ spake the God of Odnoh.
Spake the God of Illegal Fireworks: ‘And a fat lady shalt sing, and all who hear her shalt know that only cats canst flex their fat!
‘The aliens shalt follow the Arrow of Nazca, and return for the statues made for them on Easter Island, and they shalt not keep their receipt!
‘And they shalt say unto the all the kings, and the rulers and principalities of this world: “All thy base art belongeth to us!”…’
‘We art the Delta and the Theta, the Change and the Angle,’ spake the God of Flirting.
‘Derrick,’ spake the God of Scotchtoberfest, ‘why the fuck dost thou keep saying that?’
And the God of Stupidity didst shrug his shoulders.
And the God of the Truffle-Shuffle and Other Forbidden Dances didst continue, saying: ‘And the statues that only moveth when no one is looking shalt finally decideth they’ve had enough, and they shalt do whatever they damn well pleaseth!
‘And the dead, of course, shalt travel in floating refrigerators!
‘Woe unto all who angereth major appliances on that day!
‘For Jehovah was stuck in a closet with Vanna White, and he shall say unto Jesus: “My Son, thou’rt going to have a little sister.” ’
‘Dude!’ cried Casey, ‘Verily I say, that’s some scary shit!’
‘Ha!’ spake the God of Problems, and he didst laugh, saying unto them: ‘fear not, Dudes! for we, the Gods of Hondo, were but yanking thy chain!
‘And yea tho Ages come and go, the Universe shalt remain bizarre and inexplicable place, for the Gods of Hondo move in stupid ways forever and ever, Ah… fuck it!’
(props
Kalamazoo/Green Mile
MsLauraEB/Green Mile
and a shout out to y’all who didst partake of the original Hondo Mad Lib!)
or,
‘Apocalypse HOW?’
And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst transport the Dudes back to Scootly Ko’An Manor after their kick-ass (and inexplicable) appearance on the Late Show.
‘…Fuckin’ A!’ quoth Nori, ‘That didst rock the house!’
‘Didst thou see the looks on their faces when we didst appear out of nowhere!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty. ‘Ye rule, mighty Gods of Hondo!’
‘Or when Megatron didst blow the shit outta those guys in the back with the “Prime 3:16” signs with his arm cannon!’ quoth the Hans.
‘Well, ye know, everything’s funnier when Megatron bloweth the shit out of it,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Thou hast a point!’ quoth Richard. ‘Verily I say, that guy’s out of his fuckin’ mind! As President, he couldst give me a run for my money!’
‘Or when he didst make Richard Simmons dance!’ quoth Adria. ‘Talketh about sweatin’ to the Oldies!’
‘Hell, even he didst sing along with Pocket Poodle,’ quoth Loki Amaya.
‘Yeah, after the Gods of Hondo didst fuck up his logic circuits!’ quoth Casey.
‘Mayhap he’s not all that bad!’ quoth Loki.
‘Aye,’ quoth Nori, ‘but he’s still a fuckin’ Republicon!’
‘ ’Tis not like the world wilt end if he’s elected!’ quoth RJ, ‘…Wilt it?’
And the Prophetess Adria didst clear her throat—
‘Taketh it easy tonight, O great Prophetess of Hondo,’ spake the God of Someone Else’s Problem Fields, ‘we shall take it from here… But I don’t know… Shouldst we tell them, Derrick?’
And Derrick didst think about it, and he didst look like he was in great pain.
‘Oh, come on, we canst handle it,’ quoth Nori. ‘Tell us, mighty Gods of Hondo, how wilt the world end?’
‘Well,’ spake the God of Infinite Games, ‘we didst look in Jehovah’s pocket planner—’
‘So that’s where it went!’ a voice thundered muffledly from the heavens.
‘—And it doth seem that the Apocalypse was sheduled for Friday, August 8, 2005.’
‘That was supposed to be a secret!’
‘But fear not,’ spake the God of the Twilight Zone, ‘for we have no intention of letting the world end during our reign. But if it didst…
‘That wilt be the day, the day the music and the words finally run out…
‘For the Dudes wouldst get lost on the highway whilst Scoot was asleep at the wheel of the Scoot Mobile.’
‘And just how wouldst that be different from normal, mighty God of the Twilight Zone?’ quoth the Hans.
‘Scoot wouldst actually stop and asketh for directions.’
‘Oh.’
‘And there shalt be great tremors in the earth, and popcorn shalt erupt from the ground!
‘And tombstones shalt sprout out of the ground wherever anyone hath died…’
‘We art the Delta and the Theta, the Change and the Angle,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts.
Spake the God of Nothing: ‘And mailboxes shalt eat mailmen and spew letters all over the sidewalk!
‘Traffic lights shalt shoot lasers at pedestrians and vehicles alike!
‘And vending machines shalt bite the people’s hands and not let go…’
‘We art the Delta and the Theta, the Change and the Angle,’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking.
Spake the God of Uncertified Boxes: ‘And Napoleon shalt return to conquer Wal-Marts one-by-one!
‘And all mirrors shalt become portals that leadeth unto worlds within worlds!
‘In the Hour of Scurrying, the Dalai Llama shalt giveth a call to arms, but the Buddhist Liberation Front— all three of them— continueth to sit on their asses tokin’…’
‘We art the Delta and the Theta, the Change and the Angle,’ spake the God of Fist Pounding.
Spake the God of Friendly Ghosts: ‘And the people‘s veins shalt flow with pasta, and their breath shalt smell of stinky cheese!
‘And all the gold in the world shalt be turned into foil-wrapped chocolate!
‘And the Sphinx shalt rise up and be revenged of her spited nose, marching forth on Jerusalem and Mecca to call time-out in the Middle East!…’
‘We art the Delta and the Theta, the Change and the Angle,’ spake the God of Odnoh.
Spake the God of Illegal Fireworks: ‘And a fat lady shalt sing, and all who hear her shalt know that only cats canst flex their fat!
‘The aliens shalt follow the Arrow of Nazca, and return for the statues made for them on Easter Island, and they shalt not keep their receipt!
‘And they shalt say unto the all the kings, and the rulers and principalities of this world: “All thy base art belongeth to us!”…’
‘We art the Delta and the Theta, the Change and the Angle,’ spake the God of Flirting.
‘Derrick,’ spake the God of Scotchtoberfest, ‘why the fuck dost thou keep saying that?’
And the God of Stupidity didst shrug his shoulders.
And the God of the Truffle-Shuffle and Other Forbidden Dances didst continue, saying: ‘And the statues that only moveth when no one is looking shalt finally decideth they’ve had enough, and they shalt do whatever they damn well pleaseth!
‘And the dead, of course, shalt travel in floating refrigerators!
‘Woe unto all who angereth major appliances on that day!
‘For Jehovah was stuck in a closet with Vanna White, and he shall say unto Jesus: “My Son, thou’rt going to have a little sister.” ’
‘Dude!’ cried Casey, ‘Verily I say, that’s some scary shit!’
‘Ha!’ spake the God of Problems, and he didst laugh, saying unto them: ‘fear not, Dudes! for we, the Gods of Hondo, were but yanking thy chain!
‘And yea tho Ages come and go, the Universe shalt remain bizarre and inexplicable place, for the Gods of Hondo move in stupid ways forever and ever, Ah… fuck it!’
(props
Kalamazoo/Green Mile
MsLauraEB/Green Mile
and a shout out to y’all who didst partake of the original Hondo Mad Lib!)
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