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The Harry Potter universe is the creation of J.K. Rowling. This is fanfiction. The standard disclaimers apply.


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Chapter 25


Saturday, November 3, 1990


Tonks stepped into the Hog's Head, and peered unproductively around the dark room while her eyes adjusted. Aberforth, apparently having been asked to keep an eye out, spotted her, waved, and pointed to a booth near the bar. She had gotten most of the way there when Sirius got up, looking much better than in the Prophet photo.

"Dora!"

"Sirius!" Tonks wasted no time giving him a warm hug. If Sirius had any lingering concerns about how people would treat him, she wasn't going to be part of the problem.

"You were what, this high when I last saw you?"

"About that, I think. You look a lot better than you did in the paper. Still rail thin."

"Hey, give me time. Besides, I'm working on that. I ordered us lunch."

"So what have you been up to since you got out? Did you go see mum?"

"Not yet, actually. I don't want too many people to see me until I've recovered and am a little less, well, demented looking."

"We're family, Sirius, I'm sure it would be fine."

"Unless I count as a celebrity you've been stalking, of course—what on earth did that mean?"

"Uh uh, you first."

"Fine, fine. So, Albus and Arthur took me back to the old Black place. That owl you sent flew in the front door ahead of us—really helpful, that—I made the poor thing do a lot of work before it went back to Hogwarts, and that was after that awful portrait of my mother started in on it."

"I remember that thing! Poor owl."

"Yeah, I got a lot of indignant beak-clicking over that. Anyway, the first thing I did was stand in the shower for approximately forever, although getting out was a bit of a shock. It turns out there's still a house elf alive. It was lurking around the corner and screamed when it saw me."

"Kreacher, wasn't it?"

"Right. So anyway, I just screamed back at it for a while, which was the most fun I'd had since I got out. Then I ordered it to go find me something to eat, and spent most of the evening writing letters. I sent the owl off with five of them, I think.

Yesterday I spent most of the day waiting around for the Ministry to reconnect the floo, which was what one of those letters was about. They finally showed up in the early evening, saying Fudge had ordered them to fit me in that day, and otherwise I'd have had to wait a week."

"Oh, that's good, I wonder what else you can get that way?"

"What, by making people feel guilty?"

"Oh, I don't think Fudge is complicated enough to feel guilt—he's got less emotional depth than a post owl. But I think doing stuff for you will make him look good, for at least as long as your story stays in the papers."

"You always were clever, weren't you? Merlin, it's good to see you again, Dora. Anyway, besides waiting, I spent most of yesterday getting Kreacher to clean the house up. I didn't have the energy for much else, really. I'm not sure I should get a new wand until I've waited a little more for the effects to wear off."

Tonks looked thoughtful. "Just a minute." She went over to the bar and whispered something to Aberforth, who looked at Sirius, nodded, and walked back to the kitchen.

"What was that about?"

"You'll see."

"So here I am, and you, young lady, owe me an explanation of that celebrity stalking comment."

Tonks tried to smile sweetly, but it came out as a grin. "Oh, that was because I found where Harry's muggle relatives lived, kidnapped him, and then made mum come home from work to help figure out what to do next."

"I seeee . . . How is Harry doing? The last I saw him he had just survived a killing curse, and the next day I was in Azkaban, so I'm kind of missing the last eight years worth of news."

"Wow. Have you even seen a paper yet?"

"Nope. I remain completely ignorant of current events that I wasn't present for."

"Wow, where to start . . . So, the world sort of settled down after Voldemort disappeared. Some of the Death Eaters got thrown in prison, some others got off by claiming they were imperio-ed, and it's been pretty peaceful since. I'm in my last year at Hogwarts. I'll get back to Harry in a moment—you know how you got cleared, right?"

"Dumbledore says they got Pettigrew, and he was living with the Weasleys the whole time. The aurors did a good job of keeping the two of us apart, though, so he's still alive."

"I hope you leave him that way. If you get yourself sent back to Azkaban, I'll kill you myself."

They were interrupted at this point by Aberforth, who set a mug of hot chocolate in front of Sirius. "The young lady says you're still suffering from dementor effects. Told me to get you this. Smart girl. Listen to her. Your food should be ready in a few minutes—now drink that!"

Sirius shook his head, impressed. "You know, I didn't think of that at all." He blew over the mug, waiting for it to cool down.

"Hang on . . . one more thing one of us should have thought of earlier . . ." She cast a series of privacy charms. Sirius looked even more impressed.

"I counted ten different charms there, and I only recognized six. What on earth are they teaching you kids at Hogwarts now?"

"Not any of those, that's for certain. I have enough trouble staying out of trouble as it is—I can't get out of everything just by looking like somebody else, you know."

"Ohhhhhhhh. I completely forgot. And now you owe me stories about what you've been up to that require all that . . . spellwork."

Tonks leaned forward. "The thing about secrets, is that they don't stay secret all that easily. Dumbledore, for instance, has not yet discovered that I know occlumency. Do you suppose you can keep him from finding out that you don't?" She grinned; now he was really impressed.

"Merlin, Dora, we should make you an honorary Marauder. I'm sure Remus will agree once he meets you. You're blushing."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are! And you didn't blush over hiding things from Dumbledore or getting in trouble. I wonder . . . Nooo. Let me guess, you met Remus, and he said something really embarrassing about our Hogwarts days. Am I right?"

"I met Remus this summer at Harry's birthday party. He said he'd met me when I was little, but I don't remember it."

"Aaannnd you are still blushing."

"Aannd the food is here." She stuck out her tongue, as Aberforth walked through the privacy charms to set down their plates. It was greasy pub food. "Now, Sirius, you have barely touched your cocoa. You'd better do it, or I'm sure this young lady will be cross with you."

"He's right! I can pout really well." She demonstrated.

"Okay, okay!" After Aberforth had left, and he had eaten a few bites, he continued. "Come on, Dora, spill. If it's about me and Remus and James back at Hogwarts, I think it's only fair to let me know!"

"I'll tell you later, if you're good. Now, before we get distracted again, and while we're on the subject of secrets, if that rat has any about you that he might spill to help himself, you might want to pre-empt that. Padfoot."

"How . . ."

"You're talking to a girl with a reputation for stalking celebrities. How I know that one has to stay secret, though, even from Dumbledore." She tapped the side of her head. "Can't have him doing the twinkly-eye thing on you and getting me in trouble, can I?"

"Okay. I'll think about it."

"No, you will do whatever it takes to stay the hell out of Azkaban! And you will do it because I am counting on you, and because you are Harry's godfather, and because you are mum's favorite cousin, and because the Ministry is full of idiots and there's always a chance of Voldemort returning, and, frankly, because there are too many stuffy pureblood bastards who would be awfully smug about it if you went back. And you will do it before the rat goes on trial again. Like, say, right after I have to go back to Hogwarts this afternoon, if the office is open." This was as far as Tonks could go while keeping a straight face, as Sirius had gradually sunk down into his seat and covered his head with his hands, and was now making little whimpering noises. "Okay, fine, if I get to abuse my carefully-honed pouting skills, I guess that's fair, too. Still, don't give Peter any leverage, okay?"

"I hate doing it, after all these years. It feels like getting caught at a prank, and it's the end of a secret we all shared."

"You kind of lost the secret when the rat defected. He could have turned you in at any time, but he didn't have any reason to. He does now."

"I know, I know. I'll do it."

They ate in silence for a while, interrupted only by Aberforth checking on them. "You're thin as a rail. Pub food's good for that. Lots of fat and protein. Eat!"

Once they had made a sizable dent in their food, Tonks continued. "So, Harry."

"Yes, Harry." Sirius smiled. "Do tell."

"I won't tell you how I hunted them down," she tapped her head, "but when I found him, he was in pretty bad shape. Thin, like they weren't feeding him. Hold on, don't go storming off after the Dursley's yet, although you'll want to when I'm done. Anyway, I came back the next day to check on him. He was somewhere outside Dumbledore's wards, so I figured I might as well side-along apparate him somewhere more private where we could talk, but when I touched his arm, he flinched. Yeah, that was about how I reacted too, so instead of just going off somewhere secluded, I took him straight home with me, and made him come into the kitchen and take off his shirt, and it was so awful I was crying . . ." Tonks' eyes were watering just thinking about it. She blew her nose into her napkin. "Sirius, those people were horrible! He had bruises all over—I was kicking myself for not just grabbing him the day before, because some of them were obviously from after my first visit." She blew
her nose again. Sirius' impulse to hunt down the Dursleys was mitigated by the presence of a crying girl. "So after that, there was no way I was letting him go back! I went and got mum from work, and she had the really brilliant idea of calling Mrs. Longbottom—you remember Augusta Longbottom, right?"

"I was always terrified of her. Does she still wear that vulture hat?"

"Oh yes, she came swooping into our living room, vulture hat and all, and I had barely asked Harry to show her his bruises before she just cut us all off, scooped him up, and took him off to St. Mungo's. Then she goes to the Ministry and scares the living crap out of everyone there until they give her custody, and she pulled it all off before Dumbledore knew what was happening! It was brilliant."

"Wow. So did Dumbledore ever go check on Harry after putting him there? I always though that was a weird decision."

"Nobody knows. He says he put Harry because Petunia was Harry's only blood relation, and it let him use blood wards. And I assume Dumbledore knows what he's talking about and that they were a truly epic feat of spellwork as far as blood wards go."

"Of course."

"BUT WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF THE BLOODY BLOOD WARDS IF THE KID IS GETTING BEAT UP EVERY DAY BY HIS FUCKING SO-CALLED 'FAMILY'?"

"And you were scared I was about to go off and murder the Dursleys."

"Sorry. If you had seen his bruises . . . By the way, if it comes up, mum, Mrs. Longbottom, and the healers at St. Mungo's all have photos. In case Dumbledore tries anything. He knows we've got 'em. Mrs. Longbottom spent several hours in his office just cursing him out."

"So he's living with her and Neville, now?"

"Right. They'll start Hogwarts in the fall. We have our work cut out for us making sure he's ready."

"We?"

"Um, it would be really convenient if you could just avoid Dumbledore for a while. Do you think you could do that until, say Christmas?"

"I guess so? Dora, what on earth are you up to? And how is Harry involved?"

"Two stories. The first is that I overheard the Slytherin girls talking—I'm in Hufflepuff, and I usually sit with my back to them, so I hear things whether I want to or not—" Sirius laughed. "So anyway, they were talking about love potions, and about how Harry better watch out once he gets to school. He's kind of got a following of obsessed girls."

"Way to go, Harry!"

"Only if he stays safe! That's where we come in. One of the girls said her little sister practically has a shrine to Harry, made of cut-out photos and stories from the Prophet. Apparently there were all these girls out there this summer crying to their mommies that they didn't get invited to Harry's party. The kid's going to practically need auror training and a case of antidotes to stay out of trouble."

"Ouch. I had some narrow misses with love potions, back in the day—I can give him some pointers. But you said two stories."

"The second is the one you need to keep secret." She rechecked her privacy charms. "So I realized after a few weeks that Harry never replied to any letters I sent him, and while I don't expect much from a ten-year-old kid, I started to get suspicious. So I put a tracking charm on a letter to see where it was going, and the next morning it just registered as 'up'. And so I go flying around the rooftops on my broom, until I narrow it down to this tower with an open window. Have you ever tried to climb through a tiny window from a broom, while you're hundreds of feet off the ground?"

"A few times, actually . . ."

"Seriously?"

"Always."

"Huh? Oh, hmph. Tell me later. Anyway, I hadn't, and I nearly broke my neck, because it was dark in there and the floor was five feet down. Also my broom went flying off without me. So what do you think I found?"

"All of Harry's mail since Dumbledore got custody of him?"

"Exactly. He hasn't turned off the forwarding charm, and he doesn't know I know."

Sirius was grinning. "So what did you find?"

"Thousands and thousands of letters. Um, there are charms for getting letters in and out of closed envelopes, which I'm, um, kind of good at."

"Naturally! You will, of course, teach me later?" Tonks realized at this point that Sirius looked years younger than he had when she walked into the Hog's Head; just hamming up her stories for him was worth a mountain of chocolate bars.

"Of course. Anyway, I also kind of have been reading his mail. Like, lots of it. And there are a lot of personal letters in there. Some of them are . . . very personal." She was blushing.

"He's only nine . . . what would he be getting?"

"Ten. And stuff from girls his own age. Some of whom own their own cameras. And are obsessed with him. And apparently have unsupervised access to darkrooms and owls."

"Nooooo."

"Would I make something like this up?"

"Yes."

"Okay, fine. Nyeh!" She stuck out her tongue, then turned her nose into a pig snout.

"Ack!"

"Ha. In this case it's all true. So I've seen . . . you know . . . girls who are at Hogwarts right now."

"Okay, you wouldn't be so embarrassed if you were making it up. Oh, I wish James could hear this." Sirius went from glee to wistfulness.

"No, don't think about that right now! You didn't let me explain how you come in."

"What? My dear cousin, you now have my complete and undivided attention."

"We need to get tens of thousands of letters and packages to Harry without anyone else getting their hands on them or realizing we've done it."

"And we need to do this because some of them contain naked photos."

"Some of which are probably quite illegal to possess. Of girls Harry will definitely meet. And because the idea of Dumbledore getting his hands on those photos creeps me out. Incidentally I have already taken the liberty of securing some of the most . . . sensitive of the letters."

"Naturally."

"But there are an awful lot of letters, and I've only gone through less than a fifth of them. So there are probably a lot more."

"Right."

"Trunks, Sirius."

"Trunks?"

"Shrinkable trunks. I think about fifteen hundred cubic feet of storage should do. Unless you have any better ideas. I can't carry all the letters loose."

Sirius looked thoughtful. "Dora, may I ask you something?"

"Is it a coincidence that you had this plan ready to go at the same time I got out of Azkaban? Not that I'm complaining, mind you—I am, of course, at your beck and call when it comes to pranks on behalf of my godson. But you sound as if you had time to think about this before the Prophet article came out on Thursday."

Tonks tapped her head.

"You did. Sweet Merlin, you did. I have no idea what you are up to, but you can be sure I will be signing up for Occlumency lessons as soon as I see you off this afternoon."

"No, you will go to the Ministry first."

"Oh, come on, whatever you are up to, it's obviously mischief of the highest caliber, and I want in. I can be extremely helpful, you know!"

Tonks grinned. "I'm counting on it. But you're of no use to me back in Azkaban."

Tonks watched as the gears turned for several seconds. "Let me get this straight. You are pressuring—"

"—no, ordering!"

"Ordering me to register as an animagus because you need me to help you smuggle naked photos of girls to my recently rescued godson, under the nose of Dumbledore—"

"—and Mrs. Longbottom—"

"—right. Noses."

"And then he will need your help keeping those same girls—"

"—who have sent him naked photos of themselves—"

"—from dosing him with love potions. Or whatever else you can think of that they might try."

"Dora, Dora, sweet Merlin I missed this, you have no idea." There were tears in his eyes. Tonks reached across the table and held his hand, which would have been a comforting gesture if it hadn't made it harder for Sirius to blow his nose. "Thanks," he said, extricating his hand and blowing his nose on his napkin. "Do you have any other things to tell me in private? I've spent the last eight years in the dark and I'd like to settle up the bill and go outside."

"Ministry, trunks, and . . ." she tapped her head. "I think that's it for now." She wanted to add 'introduce me to Remus', but chickened out.

"Right." He put several sickles on the table—enough to leave Aberforth with a generous tip—then stood up and stretched. "Well, then, now what?"

"We go to Honeydukes, where you will buy yourself the entire chocolate section, while all of my classmates stare at us and point, of course!"

"Of course."