I didn't talk much during my hospital stay. Gerard did all my talking for me. He called my mum, my friends, my work & anyone else who needed to know that I was out of action. Gerard hardly left my side. He spent every night with me, curled up on my bed, holding me tight in his arms.
Sometimes I would cry. Sometimes I would sleep. Sometimes I would scream out aloud and sometimes I would just stare at the ceiling wishing it would collapse down onto me. Most of the time I lay still with my eyes closed, just so I could shut out everyone and everything around me.
My family visited me, but I didn't say anything as they crowded the small room. They all looked down at me, shedding tears of sorrow for the loss of my son. My son would have been the first grandchild for my parents. The first nephew for my brothers and sisters. My little boy would of brought so much happiness to my life and my family. Instead I laid in a hospital bed as though I was a corpse, dead to the world around me.
Gerard was scared for me. I overheard him one night talking to my mother.
'I'm worried about her. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am failing her. I can't stand seeing her so lifeless. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I just miss her so freaking much.'
'Don't beat yourself up Gerard. My daughter is strong, she will get through this. Just give her time, she will come around.'
'How long though? How long will it take till I have my baby girl back?'
'As long as it needs to take. You just stay by her side and take care of her for me. My daughter is a strong girl, but she needs you now more than ever. Look after her for me please Gerard. With your help she will get through this.'
'I hope you are right Faye. It's just so hard. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't want to make it any worse for her. I'm scared she will never break away from this horrid spell that she is under.'
I waited outside with a much needed cigarette between my lips as Gerard signed off on my discharge papers. As he exited out of the hospital he covered his eyes with his sunglasses and entwined his hand with mine. He lead me to the rental car his insurance company had given him and we drove off to my home.
I opened my front door and my two cats began circling my feet as I stepped over the threshold. I gave them a small smile and a pat as I walked into the living room. I heard Gerard close the front door as I stood motionless staring into the kitchen.
The kitchen table was polluted with flowers and sympathy cards. Tears welled up in my eyes as Gerard wrapped his arms around my waist placing his head on my shoulder. I turned around and hid my face into his jumper. 'Just get rid of them all. Please' I whispered into his chest. I pulled out of his tight embrace and ran to the safety of my bedroom.
I clutched onto my pillow as I sobbed into it. Every time I closed my eyes the words "sympathy", "sorry for your loss" and "our condolences" would flash through my mind.
How could people be sorry for losing someone that I didn't even know existed! How could I have been so stupid to not even realise that I was pregnant? I started to take my frustration out on the pillow. I pounded it with my fist as the hatred for myself began to grow.
'I'm so stupid!' I screamed out as I bashed at the pillow beneath me. After a few more strikes feathers began to fly up around me as I continued my assault on the helpless object. Gerard came rushing into the room. He jumped up onto the bed and held my wrist in the air.
'You are not stupid Virginia' I looked into his concerned eyes as he stared into mine. My arm began to ache and I slowly moved it back down to my side. I looked down at the feathery mess around us. I felt like I had hit rock bottom. Gerard didn't let go of my wrist as he continued to speak. 'You are anything but stupid Virginia. Please believe me.' I sniffed back a tear as I nodded my head. I crashed into his chest again, eventually falling into a dreamless sleep.
I awoke to the sound of my bedroom door being closed. I could hear the soft whispers of my mum and Gerard talking outside my bedroom door.
'How long has she been asleep for?'
'She fell asleep pretty much as soon as we got home. I think she feels the safest when she is asleep. I just wish there was something more I could do for her.'
'Gerard, believe me when I say she will be fine.'
'But how can you be so sure Faye? How can you be sure everything will be fine?' I could hear the strain in his voice as he questioned my mum.
'I know everything will be fine because the same thing happened to me before I fell pregnant with Virginia.'
The words my mum spoke shot through my body like a bullet. I kicked the sheets away from my body as I wrestled my way out of the bed.
I never knew my mum had lost a child.
A million and one questions began racing through my mind as I tired to pull my tracksuit pants up my legs. Eventually I was some what dressed and I exited my room to find Gerard sitting in the living room, alone. He sat on the couch with his head in his hands. He looked defeated, like all the energy had been drained from his body.
'Where's mum?' His head snapped up as he looked up at me. A small smile crept along his exhausted face.
'She just left to go to the supermarket. She shouldn't be to long. Are you okay?' I nodded my head as I walked over to him and sat down on his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and placed a kiss on his lips. I rested my head on his neck and whispered in his ear 'I'm fine Gerard. Everything is going to be fine. Trust me.'