'They're looking at each other again, those small, secret glances that they think he doesn't see. Fucking morons.' In which Gojyo is utterly incapable of understanding his own emotions, but recogni...
They're looking at each other again, those small, secret glances that they think he doesn't see. Fucking morons. He sees them. He sees the little hints even clearer when they try to hide it.
He isn't as stupid as he acts sometimes, you know. He can see the signs, they're as obvious as hell to someone like him, who can and does play the subtle game. The small smiles they share, the talks they have on the table with beer and tea and cigarettes... It's fucking obvious and it's only a miracle that the monkey hasn't seen it.
It isn't that he wants to see it, fuck no, but he just /does/.
And the thing that hurt the most was that the beer and cigarettes just reminds him of what he can't have, and Gojyo hates that, because what is the use of thinking about things that you can never have because you're never good enough to have them?
Gojyo thinks that he loves Hakkai, once. Maybe he still loves him now. You don't pick a guy up and nurse him back to health without gaining some affection for the guy, you see. He thinks that he realizes that he loves Hakkai, Gonou, whatever, when Hakkai /came back/. You see, people walk in and out of his life every single fucking day, and not a single one of them ever came back. Not in the way that he wants them to.
But Hakkai did, and so Gojyo thinks that he might love him a little for that. Or maybe it is more than a little, maybe that little drop of love he thinks he feels is a huge fucking ocean/. He doesn't know, doesn't /care to know because it's useless to know this kind of shit when there is no chance of Hakkai ever loving him. Hakkai is Sanzo's, and Sanzo is a selfish bastard who doesn't share. Not that he really wants to, anyway.
Gojyo wonders sometimes if he had just told Hakkai how he felt about him, although he doesn't know completely even now, would he be the one that those smiles, small and /real/, are aimed towards now? He doubts it. He never expects to have his love returned anyway. Love sucks that way.
Gojyo had once told Mother that he loves her. Hell, he told her he loves her practically everyday. She didn't return it, and he didn't expect her to but couldn't stop but hope she would anyway. He thinks that he is the type who always falls in love with the wrong kind of people, the kind that'll rip his heart out and tear it into pieces and step on them.
Not that he knows what a heart is, anyway. He doesn't know love, real love, and hasn't experienced it. Not now, maybe not /ever/. He doesn't really care. He doesn't.
And... ah, fuck, they're doing it again. The little, secret glances that Sanzo gives Hakkai over the paper, Hakkai's small peeks at Sanzo over the teacup. He's really, really damn sick of it, and thinks that one day, maybe one day, he'll just slam the table and shout at them to stop doing that kind of thing, because it's not really polite/, is it. Except Gojyo is possibly the last person to know what /polite really is, and this is probably their version of polite anyway, or else they're be fucking on the damn dinner table, in front of everyone.
Hah. Won't that be a shock to the monkey?
Gojyo has told himself many times that maybe they're just friends, that Hakkai don't like that damn monk that way... but it never works. Lying to yourself never works because you know before hand that it's a lie. Life sucks like that.
It's not that he's jealous or anything. He does want them to be happy, just so that Sanzo would threaten to shoot him less and more of Hakkai's smiles will be real. But he found that his own smiles are getting more strained and fake, but Gojyo doesn't mind. It's a fair trade, he thinks. Happiness always comes with a sacrifice of someone else's happiness. Life's like that, he knows all too well.
It doesn't matter if it is his own happiness that he is giving away so freely. He doesn't have much in the first place anyway, so why should a little less matter? It wasn't as if...
That's it. That's enough. He's fucking sick of this. That's the fifth time they've touched each other since after dinner, and they've managed to make every touch seem like an accident. Gojyo doesn't really understand why they try to hide it. It's not as if it's a dirty secret. It isn't like anyone important will be hurt, because he knows that the monkey is smarter than he looks and probably already knows that his precious Sanzo is fucking Hakkai. Or maybe not, Gojyo doesn't really care.
The night sky looks fucking horrible here. The clouds cover everything, even though there's wind, and there are no stars. It's going to rain tonight, again, and Sanzo and Hakkai will lock themselves in their own tents and wallow. He thinks that it's kind of stupid that they don't try to find comfort from each other since, you know, they're already fucking.
Being a half-breed is a goddamn curse sometimes, because you hear so much more, more than a youkai wearing limiters. And he doesn't want to hear, but he does anyway. Life is fucking unfair.
Gojyo doesn't smoke to relieve stress, and he knows that he can quit any time he wants. He just doesn't want to quit, that's all. But the point is that he doesn't smoke to relieve stress, he smokes to give his hands and mouth things to do, so that he can keep his mind from.... other stuff.
So what if he's an escapist? It's not the world's greatest secret anyway.
He can hear them and see them, soft whispers and shadow silhouettes as they pored over the map, planning the route. Two days till the next town, eh? It doesn't make much of a difference to him anyway. All the towns are the same, full of faceless people that worship the damn monk's sutra and praise Hakkai's plastic smile.
But a town means an inn, and an inn means walls and space and privacy/. He has been rooming with the monkey when they need to, just to give the monk and Hakkai space. He figures that they have to get the clue that he /knows sometime before this whole damn journey is over. It's amazing how two of the most intelligent people he knows can be so damn stupid.
Ah well, it's not as if that's important anyway. As long as he knows when not to disturb them, it's all peachy keen and fine.
Never mind that he thinks he will love Hakkai if he knows what love is in the first place.
Never mind that he hates that Hakkai's real smiles goes to /Sanzo/, and Sanzo actually smiles back at him.
Never mind that, because it's not as if it's all that important anyway.