- Hi, well this is an interesting story and looks to have some very decent ground work. The basic story outline is there, and you definitely seem to have your characters personalities all laid-out how you want it.
Some things you could work on:
1. Try not to start the majority of your sentences with "I..." I did this I thought that etc it gets monotonous.
2. Double-check your work. There were several misspelled words or wrong words (like my instead of me)
3. Try to describe a bit more, dialogue is necessary of course and a must for most stories, however a completely dialog-based story seems a little content-short. Sometimes it's better to describe what's happening then to have someone talk about it.
Okay those are some things you can work on to edit this story or in your future writings. You have some great ideas. With some work and a little more time spent you could really make a great story.
I look forward to seeing your next!
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