Right now I was fighting a battle, not a battle with cancer but with myself. I had purchased concert tickets. I needed to see him, I couldn't help myself. I'd put on my wig and stand in the middle row, far enough away from the front but not too far. My doctor agreed to let me lay off the chemo for a few weeks to let me rest up on and get some strength. By the time the day of the concert rolled around I was strangely full of energy and it felt so good to have some strength back. Just like the first concert I went to I was the first in line. My only hope was that I wasn't seen by anyone. The hours of waiting were passed by playing mediocre cell phone games and trying to keep myself calm. I was terrified of being recognized.
Finally the doors were opened and I let people file in and stand in front of me. I was pretty close to the stage, I figured probably a little too close but I'll take my chances my fear had turned to excitement. I could not wait to see his face and hear his voice it had been such a long time. As it neared time for My Chemical Romance to come on my fear came back ever so slightly creeping into my stomach, my heart, and my mind.
And then it was time.
I watched them file onstage one by one, my smile grew bigger as I watched them. Getting ready to do their thing. I missed them all so much. Turning my focus to Gerard I couldn't help but tear up a little. My heart and thoughts were racing. The lights turned up and they started the first song, Cancer. Of fucking course. I was bawling by the end of it as was Gerard. It was both upsetting and relieving to know he still thought of me. It was so much better this way though, for him to just be cut off from me now instead of watching me die; I think that would have been much worse. They continued on and I swayed and got caught up in the crowd eventually pushing me into the second row of people. Way, way, too close to Gerard's wandering eyes. I was nervous, he couldn't see me. It would be awful but I loved standing here right by the stage and so close to him. During 'This Is How I Disappear' Gerard jumped down off the stage and up on the barrier holding onto a few people in front of me. At first I thought maybe he'd seen me but quickly realized it was just part of the concert. I was sure to keep my head a bit low and keep the hair of my wig close to my face. It also helped that I wore a TON of makeup, black eyeshadow and red lips. Having Gerard so close to me was wonderful but I could feel the tears spilling from my eyes. I wanted to be closer to him. Before I even knew what I was doing I pushed my way towards him and grabbed firmly onto his recently freed hand as he turned to get back up onstage. He whipped around with a smirk on his face that quickly faded into a frown. He stopped singing and a minute later Frank took over on vocals. Gerard stepped towards me and laid a hand on my cheek. I tried to let go of his hand realizing the major mistake I had just made, but his grip was tight. He waved over a security guard and whispered in his ear, all while holding a death grip on me. The guard lifted me up and Gerard let go. As I was put down I turned to see Gerard getting back up onstage and starting the next song. "This way" the guard yelled over the music I nodded and followed.
Backstage I flopped on a couch and sighed at my own selfishness and stupidity. After an hour of waiting I suddenly felt a wave of nausea overcome me. Running towards the a disgusting sink in the corner of the dirty room. I began violently heaving and throwing up anything that my was in my stomach. It hurt so bad, the stomach acid burning my throat. My body was exhausted from the concert and it took a lot of strength not to collapse. My body tensed even more when I felt a hand rubbing my back. Gladly accepting a water bottle from Gerard I rinsed and spit the rest of the vile taste from my mouth. "You're sick again" he said with no emotion in his voice. I nodded and looked down at my feet unable to say anything or look into his eyes; I knew there would be nothing but negative emotion in them. "I have to go" I tried to leave but of course a pair of arms wrapped around me before I could go. "You're just making this harder Gerard, let me go." "No, do you not understand that I want to be with you?" I pushed him off me and sat him down on the couch behind me. "I am going to die" I said as I finally looked into his eyes "I only have a few months at best four. I love you but I will not let you fucking sit there, waste your time, and make you watch me die. That is NOT going to happen so get over it. I shouldn't have come here tonight I did this for my own fucking selfish reasons and I am so sorry. I truly am. I would not have come anywhere near you if I had ever though this would have come back. This is my third time with this sickness. I am not going to make it. So just keep living your life as if we had never met. Replace me, find a nice girl, fall in love, get married, have kids, continue to make music and better people's lives. Please don't waste anymore time torturing yourself or me. I don;t know what ahead of me and I am fucking terrified to die and be alone but thats whats happening and I have to do this myself. I wont drag anyone else down with me because believe me baby, I realize how you feel about me, and it'll comfort me before and as I take my last breathe. Knowing your feelings about me alone give me everything I need. You will always be the love of my life and thank you so much for the short time we had together but it's over now and we both have to move on to bigger things, not because we want to but because we're forced to. If I could I would marry you in a heartbeat and never leave your side but I cant promise you a lifetime of happiness, I cant even promise you a month of happiness because I can feel myself dying and I don't know if I'll make it that long"
By the end of my speech we were both in tears. We stood there in silence for a minute before once again I left without a goodbye.