Categories > Anime/Manga > Naruto
Missed You
2 reviewsIt seems Sakura's emotions have started surfacing as she has to deal with the fact that her blond teammate is gone for a full 3 month long mission without her. Perhaps it was time for her to admit ...
2Ambiance
Reviews
Missed You
(#) ZENI7H 2011-05-21
You have an excellent writing style. (excuse my lack of punctuation in this review i tend to save that for the stories so i can just put my thoughts here ;) )
okay so your story flows very nicely and has a soft descriptive tone to it that sort of absorbs the world around the characters instead of intrusively tossing sights into the reader's mind. To be honest when I started reading it was just to kill time, I thought it was going to be too sweet for me to finish, but I was wrong I read it straight through, it held my attention, the dialog was realistic, the characters actions conveyed the same ideas as the words they spoke, and despite this taking place beyond the current time frame of the narutoverse all characters are still in cannon.
I don't know if you're ocd about little things in your story (i am about mine so I'll go ahead and post little things i noticed in case you want to fix them) :
Sakura says: 'since when did it rain at 2 am?'
^ this seems like an odd statement since.. well it can rain anytime though perhaps it fits cuz she was so tired she might think illogically.
Naruto says: good thing i came back from the mission aren't you?.
im sure you meant its a good thing i came back isn't it? or you're glad i came back early aren't you?
While nar is carrying her home: pointing out late night restraints or signs
Restaurants?
"After the whole month without the blond, it felt like she was beginning to feel a bit more attached to the blonde than she"
referring to Nar as 'the blonde' twice in the same sentence seems a bit awkward it might even be better to replace it with a simple "him"
"blushing fiercely after she realized what she had just did "
should be 'just done'
Sakura was never this quite
should be 'this quiet'
that's it, just minor stuff that proofreading would cover. I loved the story great job. I hope you'll make a sequel as I like where this is going and I like how its a gentle and gradual move and not an unrealistic jump into something that seems ridiculous as far as their relationship is concerned.
thanks again!
PS: I lol'd at Naruto wanting to eat all the free samples!
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