FicWad

‘Gerard... that... That you?’

‘Who else?’

‘Oh... of course...’ I smiled softly, before his lips were back on mine. We’d been kissing for a while now, rolling about on my bed in between soft gasps and cheeky little giggles. I was lying on top of the elder man, my petit frame just resting in his strong arms. He had nestled right down in the bed with me so the silky sheets covered our heads and we became lost in our own little sanctuary together. I kissed down his neck for a moment as he thanked me for letting him come over, and I shook my head. ‘Mmm, don’t mention it, parents are away, we have the place to ourselves...’ I walked my fingers slowly up his bare chest as I spoke, Gerard’s eyes falling closed when one brushed teasingly over a nipple. A soft ‘oh’ escaped his kiss-swollen lips and I sighed, watching him shifting and stretching out, in complete paradise. I leaned down and just had to steal another kiss from him, so... Addicted, I suppose. He was all I talked about at college, all I thought about, all I seemed to care about. I needed him, and I needed him now. I growled softly as he flipped us over again, the pair of us absolutely intoxicated by each other, it was impossible to play dominant for very long without being seduced by a simple kiss. The sounds of his moans as he rocked his erection against mine were really just something else, and I tilted my head back, in absolute ecstasy. One hand tangled in his raven locks and I sighed, tugging a little as hot lips were pressed to my neck over and over. ‘Uh... Gerard...’

‘Yeah?’ He asked softly, his voice so delicious, and I groaned as he bit down ever so gently on the olive skin of my neck, over my scorpion tattoo that I was so proud of. I loved showing it off to people, my friends absolutely adored it, but it made it all worthwhile when I found out Gerard was into tattoos too. ‘Is it okay if I...’ Was all the man needed to ask before I nodded, stroking and massaging the soft plane of his back with my hands as his kisses got more passionate, a mark starting to accumulate. I felt Gerard’s teeth grazing over patches of my skin as he leaned over to grab some lube for his leaking erection, and I sighed, playing with the ends of his hair and sitting up a little. The duvet slid off the pair of us, dangling off Gerard’s shoulder before cascading down his back like a white waterfall. ‘Mmm...’ He smiled, that gorgeous Hollywood smile of his that could make anyone’s legs turn to jelly. But he didn’t choose just anyone. He had chosen me. He had chosen me to be with like this, to come over and spend the night, to teach me those awful sins that I found myself craving more of each time another was completed. I felt so happy, so smug to walk in to the art room the next day and know that, whilst everyone may have their eye on him, he was only looking at one person. I sighed and tilted his head up from my neck when I thought I was actually going to explode, kissing him softly and pushing my tongue deeper into his mouth. A soft moan emitted from his lips as my tongue touched his, the sound of his hand working over his erection making me press closer and shift my legs so they were wrapped round his waist. ‘Frankie... Frank...’ Gerard growled, pushing me back so I was resting on the backs of my elbows and started attacking my neck in kisses as slowly, he pushed into me.

‘Oh fuck!’ I gasped, lolling my head back and resting the top of it against the head board in some weak attempt to keep my chest and back arched. I sighed and groaned out as he started to move, gripping his hair for brief moments, before scratching gently at the milky skin on his back. He’d come over earlier that evening after I’d asked to ‘return the favour,’ feeling bad for leaving me in such a state earlier. The moment he stepped inside, our lips hadn’t left each others. First it was the couch, then a heated make out session when we’d both fallen on the floor by the fire. When he brushed over one of my tickle spots again, I gasped, thinking tactically and running straight upstairs with Gerard hot on my tail. That’s how we ended up here, kissing and moaning each other’s names like there was no tomorrow. It was absolutely amazing, all the embarrassment, all the horror from what I’d done earlier had completely dissolved into nothingness now he was here and we were having sex again and I could just fall weak and completely lose myself. I wasn’t too sure what this sin was meant to be, all I knew was I felt on top of the world. So happy, so amazing, and I really fucking knew it. I wanted everyone else to, as well. As he thrust more and more into me, picking up pace, images of me walking into college the next day flocked round my head, but this time, I wouldn’t be alone. Gerard would be there, hanging off my arm, and would pull me in for a deep kiss in the corridor so we could show ourselves off to everyone. People would be astounded, at their knees to know all the gossip, all the stories on how we got together, they’d be coming up with their own ideas on what the sins could have been to lure me in. But no, nothing would be as good as the real thing, even if they guessed right, it wouldn’t be the same. The best part was that none of them could ever have what we did, try as they might, because Gerard was absolutely mine.

Gerard’s moaning became louder, more breathless, his wet lips just dragging over my collar bone and the bottom of my neck where the love bite was. Neither of us could hold on much longer, and soon it just became a race to cum first, dominance and all kinds of games we’d played together totally forgotten. I was a whole other realm of pleasure and didn’t want it to end, jerking my own erection off freely as Gerard watched with hazy eyes. To tease the elder man like I had been all evening, I pulled him close for a kiss, groaning hotly into his mouth as I cupped his cheek and flicked my tongue over his. I could feel Gerard’s thrusting going out of rhythm and getting more erratic, and was surprised when for once, he was first to explode deep inside me. I groaned as I got the full force of his cum erupting in my soft ass, and I screamed out with him, our moans seeming to harmonise as I came too over my hand and his stomach. Gerard gasped and pulled out after a moment, collapsing half on top of me with one leg wrapped round my waist. The pair of us looked at each other for a moment and panted softly, not saying anything, not needing to. I sighed and offered a soft smile, before letting Gerard take my hand and pull me to lay my head on his chest when he moved to lie on his back. Whether it was because I was doing this with him in my house, or because of the evening solely devoted to him earlier, I don’t know, but that was definitely the best orgasm I’d had in my entire life. I didn’t know anything different other than Gerard, and I was surprised even he could top himself like that. I sighed and smiled at the thought, Gerard stroking my chest gently and mewling.

‘Mmm, you’re so much hotter without your crucifix...’

‘Am I? Thanks,’ I sighed, smiling and snuggling up closer. It took a moment, and as the statement clocked in my brain, a small frown furrowed its way on to my brow, my eyelids opening a little. ‘Wait, what? I’m wearing it,’ I murmured, looking at my chest and gasping. Gerard was still stroking my chest tenderly but when I looked back at him, he wasn’t smiling. Stitching its way on to his neck was the fabric of a dog collar, the sight making me gasp and shake my head. ‘I was wearing it, I w-was, I-’ Before I could say any more, the man had cut me off with a finger pressed to my lips, and three little words.

‘Wake up, sinner.’

-

My eyes shot open and I screamed out, sitting up in bed like a bullet out of a gun. I was coated in a cold sweat, beads of it still rolling down my forehead as I scrabbled out from under the damp sheets and raced over to the mirror. My boxers were wet too, but all I cared about at the time was checking it was still there. That tiny pendant would feebly confirm who I was meant to be and what I most definitely wasn’t. As I looked at the little piece of silver round my neck, I clutched it tightly, screwing my eyes shut and dropping to my knees in front of the little cabinet with a prayer book and my rosary inside. There was a larger crucifix at the back of the black hole too, and I reached in, balancing it on the window sill shakily as I wrenched open the book. Light pierced through a thin beam between the curtains and I dragged them shut, searching hurriedly through the pages for what I was looking for. My brain was running in overdrive, I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what I’d done to myself before I’d found the specific prayer, and was reeling it off without prompt like some sort of zombie. I told myself yesterday this had to stop, after what I’d done I fucking told myself that I’d put an end to it. But it seems even my dreams, even my inner most thoughts of what I truly want are a contradiction of what everyone else wants of me. I screwed my eyes shut once looking over the prayer again, having said it so many times in the first five seconds that I already knew it by heart when I got down to a normal pace.

‘O my God, relying on Your almighty power and infinite mercy and promises,’ I breathed shakily, rocking a little on my knees, before looking up at the Messiah, tears in my eyes. ‘I hope to obtain pardon of my sins.’ I paused and wiped my eyes, shaking my tears away as my voice cracked. I was pathetic, I’d done this to myself and the vicious circle of my mind started spiralling out of control again. I had to stop this. My body couldn’t deny Gerard, I knew that. I was convinced so long as he was teaching me, so long as he was in control, there was nothing I could do. But yesterday, he didn’t want me. He didn’t. I could have just let him walk away and got on with my life. At least waited another day, not go and fucking convince the man to stay with me. I had completely broken my own set of rules and had taken control, and enjoyed it. I loved seeing him weak like he was, especially as it was because of me. I knew that, and that’s why I hated myself so much. I didn’t know who I was anymore, everything I’d learned, every prayer I’d said, every part of who I was was just... Unrecognisable now. I had to fix it. I still believed in God, but He was vastly becoming secondary to the fucking Devil, and I could not let that happen. ‘The help of Your grace and life everlasting, through the merits of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Redeemer. Amen.’ I looked around and up at the cross again, wiping my eyes one final time. I’d said that prayer until it was black and blue, I don’t think Jesus could have heard it enough times in five minutes, but it wasn’t enough. I felt filthy, filthy for giving in to such temptation so many times. I needed to stop this, I knew I couldn’t wipe the slate clean for what I’d done or anything but I had to try and make amends somehow.

When checking that dad and Anna were still asleep together, I shrugged on my jacket and grabbed the little beaded neck lace, clutching the wooden cross in my hands as I scribbled a note down on some paper and left. I couldn’t carry on like this, hiding away in secret when I needed to confess to myself and to God what was really going on, and beg that somehow, I could be forgiven. For my family’s sake, if nothing else. I wasn’t that little boy anymore, my innocence had burned away as soon as I clapped eyes on Gerard, and there was nothing I could do to bring that back again. As I ran to my destination, I closed my eyes, the route to the Church mapped out in my head from going there all those years ago with my parents. It wasn’t long until my feet were scraping up the gravel path, gravestones lining my run up there with flowers and messages to the deceased decorating them shyly. I weaved my way through the cemetery, ducking past the familiar angel Gabriel statue that loomed over one couple’s grave, childhood memories of being terrified of the thing whistling through my head. I sighed and made my way quietly into the chapel, my converse tapping gently against the grey stone floor. I bowed my head as I walked in, my eyes a little puffy from crying earlier and I felt as if God was up there looking down on me right now. I felt ashamed for letting myself think such obscene things about Gerard, for letting myself abandon my cross in my dreams, for coming here and trying to get it all back again. As I walked down to the back of the Church, I saw the priest near the confessional lighting some candles and bowing his head to one of the idols painted up on a wooden canvas in rich reds and golds and deep blues. I tried to push past the fact that I knew the man, that he was the very priest that had educated me at Sunday school all those years ago, a family friend of my dad’s and would probably be very surprised if he turned round and saw me standing there with something to confess. Thankfully, the man slipped inside the little room before I could be seen fully, and I sighed, my heart pounding as I made my way up and sat down in the tiny wooden cubicle.

Through the grate, the priest’s head was bowed, a warm smile on his face as he looked up. Oh man... I sighed and bit my lip, shaking my head and forcing myself just to face the music and do it whilst I had some chance of sorting this out.

‘F-Forgive me Father for... For I have sinned,’ I said quietly, covering my eyes with my hands and knowing there was no turning back now. I could feel the priest leaning closer at the sound of my voice, obviously surprised it was me, before sitting back again as if nothing had happened. He waited patiently for me to continue, my voice wobbling as I stammered out my confession. ‘I... I h-have been with a-another man, my art teacher Father and I... I let h-him touch me...’ As I spoke, I could feel tears in my eyes, feeling so dirty and horrible, I put my rosary down on the little side table. ‘I let, let him touch me indecently a-and I... I’m n-not going to say I tried to stop it b-because I didn’t,’ I whimpered, the priest leaning a little closer and I sighed.

‘Child, is there anything else?’

‘N-No... I t-touched him yesterday, I felt so mortified b-but I enjoyed it Father, and as much as I t-try, I pray every night and confess the Act of Hope whenever I have s-sexually... Sexually attractive thoughts about him but I can’t stop them and I... I don’t know who I am anymore, please Father help me,’ was all I could stammer out before I cried softly into my hands, shaking my head as I could practically feel the doors of Hell opening up to swallow me inside and keep me there forever. The priest was silent for a long moment, all that was heard in the confessional was the sounds of our breathing and my soft tears. With every passing second, I felt more and more afraid, and was about to ask again when he spoke up.

‘Son of Adam, you are born into this world one of God’s children, and remain to be one of his children to this day and onwards. I can hear it’s taken great courage for you to come here today, and Jesus will protect you for your valour.’ The priests words made me look up and my gentle whimpering come to a stop. ‘You must pray for God to forgive you and purify you of your sins, and help you on the path to forgiveness.’ His voice was warm and kind, and he leaned closer, resting a hand on the side table opposite me. ‘Do not be afraid, child, God forgives all who truly repent. Are you truly sorry?’

‘Of course.’

‘Then you shall be forgiven. God will guide you to happiness, son of Adam,’ the priest smiled, before saying a short blessing and letting me leave with a soft ‘thank you.’ I sighed as I exited the confessional, feeling better, stronger, that God would let me back into his fold if I could stop this myself. I would stop this, I needed to. My life was spiralling vastly out of control, and I needed to reign it back in whilst I had the chance.

-

‘Well well well, another visit? I’ll have to think on my feet here, this is the second time you’ve caught me off guard Frankie.’ Gerard chuckled softly as he stood in front of the canvas half covered in paint, his shirt hanging off him a little from bits that were wet with splattered acrylic. I didn’t have any lessons in the morning and had focussed completely on working out what to say to the man. I’d scrapped the ‘can I tell you something?’ method and gone for a much more determined, forceful approach, wanting to get my point across loud and clear and leave with my dignity. ‘Mmm, now, we’ve covered the first three, well, I’ve certainly done two of them,’ he purred, making me blush and shake my head. Gerard giggled and walked over, cupping my cheek and tilting my head up when he saw me looking away from him. ‘Mmm? What is it, Frankie? Not mad at me from yesterday are we? You know I could make it up to you in a heart beat...’ The man purred, his lips already on mine as he walked me back and pushed me against the sink. As soon as my back touched the ceramic, my eyes opened and I put my hands flat on his chest, firmly pushing him away. This must have surprised Gerard as he stepped back and looked at me, biting his lip. ‘Mm?’

‘No Gerard, that’s exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.’ I said firmly, looking away so I could try and keep myself in check. ‘I can’t do this anymore. Not with you. Not whilst I’m lying to everyone I care about, I’m not the same person anymore and I have to go back. I’m sorry.’ I looked at him a final time and bit my lip, Gerard tilting his head to the side in slight confusion as I said that to him, clearly just expecting me to sink into his arms like the weak sap I was. Once satisfied that he could think over that for a while, I nodded and turned on my heel, going to leave. The closer I got to the door, the better I felt, knowing that I could return to my old self again and leave everything I’d had with him behind. Suddenly, though, a hand touched mine, dragging me back a little until I could feel hot lips against my neck. ‘No Gerard, I don’t want this’ I said firmly, Gerard chuckling and shaking his head as he kissed a line up to my ear and down again, his crotch pressing against my ass. I couldn’t deny that that sort of stimulation felt good, but didn’t let him get the satisfaction of it, pushing again at the elder man until his hands were no longer in mine.

‘Oh come on Frank, I’ve heard it all before, it’s a sin, that’s what we’re going through. No more broken record,’ Gerard said, a hint of amusement in his voice and he kissed up my neck again that was pale without the tattoo I’d dreamed up there last night. I shook my head and screwed my eyes shut, feeling closer to submitting under his touch and letting myself just linger a second before I turned around and scowled, pushing away completely. ‘Ooh, feisty, will it be another role reversal today hmm?’ He smirked, dragging me closer and scowling when I just broke from his grip.

‘No, no it will not, I’m not doing this anymore with you Gerard I’m just not going to do that and until you get that into your head there’s nothing I can do!’ I snapped, clenching my fists and Gerard’s face became a mask of no emotion, one of his slender, ebony eyebrows quirking a little at me. ‘You hear now? I’m not going to sleep with you. I was at confessional this morning talking to the Father and I told him how sorry I was, how much I regretted this, because I do. I really do Gerard, just leave me alone.’ As I looked at him, I felt stronger than ever, those same waves of euphoria surging through me for a different reason. I felt like I’d really accomplished something in telling him to back off. I felt like the old Frank again. The one who was self assured with a group of friends and a loving family and a normal life. Not confused, miserable and unable to deny myself of something so mind-blowingly gorgeous like he was. I’d admitted it okay? I’ve said it before, my body can’t deny him, no. But for once, my mind has actually taken charge and become the stronger element here. ‘God is my main priority now, and I need to show Him that.’ There was a long moment of silence like in the confessional, but I didn’t feel afraid. I just looked at him, and he looked back, his eyes warm and motionless like the rest of his face. After a moment, I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment.

‘Okay.’ That one word, accompanied by his movie star smile was all Gerard said. I looked at him and frowned a little, his white teeth gleaming away and he turned round to go back to his art work. Okay? Okay, he’d really just let me blow up like that and all he has to say is okay?! I folded my arms and bit my lip, Gerard looking at me. ‘What?’

‘Okay? Is that all you’re going to say to me?’

‘Erm, yes. Why? Is there something else you want from me?’ He purred again, whether that was intentional or not, I’m not sure but my overactive mind picked up on the innuendo quickly and I blushed. I didn’t really know what I expected of him, ‘okay’ really should have been enough for me. What, did I think he was going to try again? After I’d just called him a massive regret and told him to leave me alone? Of course not. Then, what was I looking for? I felt a little awkward just stood there, and quickly snapped out of my thoughts once I realised Gerard was looking at me to answer his question.

‘What? No! No, of course not. I just, I don’t know, didn’t expect such a short reply. I’m not bothered though, I’m not scared of you,’ I said softly, biting my lip and Gerard giggled, shaking his head.

‘You don’t need to be. What else could I say to you though Frankie? It was gonna come to an end at some point, better now you’ve got your kicks than when you’re disappointed and I have to let you down lightly?’ Gerard chuckled, and I frowned. Let me down lightly? What on earth is that supposed to mean!? I scowled deeply and turned round, heading straight for the door and pausing when my hand touched the knob, closing my eyes at the man’s words. ‘Hey, don’t sulk,’ Gerard chuckled, ‘aren’t you happy that it’s over? Aren’t you proud that you stood up to me?’ He asked softly, and I opened my eyes, my fingers curled tight around the brass device. Proud? Of course I’m proud of myself, I’m the most proud I’ve ever been in my life. In fact if anyone else knew what I’d been going through, I would have screamed it in their face what I’d done, what I’d accomplished. I’d stood up for myself, I was on the right path to God, I could finally try and make amends for my sins and I... I... I turned back for a moment, my scowl deepening as Gerard was no longer looking at me, but at his art, a small smirk on his lips that I was so used to seeing. ‘Still here?’

‘Fuck you,’ I spat, marching out and slamming the door shut. Had he just tricked me into another sin? I’d felt proud of myself on the way over here, but the fact he’d highlighted that made it so much more irritating. I felt angry, annoyed at him for being such a fucking know it all, but the further I got away, the faster the anger died and more emotions flooded into my system. I felt more and more relieved that I would never feel the same guilt again from being with him, feelings of purity washing over me like the water of those cold showers I’d surely not need to take anymore. I beamed softly and raced down to the cafeteria, eagerly sitting with Ray and the others and grinning away as they too noticed how happy I was. ‘Certainly am,’ I chuckled, laughing and joking, even asking Jamia to come over and sit with us all, and I rarely spoke at lunch nowadays. I would wipe the slate clean with my friends too, wanting to be the old Frankie and stop them from worrying and wondering what mood I’d be in with each passing day. Though, as the weekend nearened and passed by, I soon felt like my old self, meeting up with the five of them in the day now Jay had got a lot more involved with our friendship group and just living my life to the full like I’d been brought up to do.

It was only at night when those feelings of happiness started to fade. Not much, but just enough so I stopped feeling so proud and felt... Stupid, I suppose, for letting a man like that slip away. I rarely let those thoughts travel into my head, but sometimes they’d just stick in my mind at what I’d done the other day. He was the man I couldn’t stop thinking about, and now he was gone, because of me. I rolled over in bed and frowned, shaking my head and wishing myself to sleep, reminding myself again of how much better everything is without Gerard. Though, deep inside, the tiniest part of me dared to wonder if there was anything I could do to get him back in my life...