Have you ever had one of those nights where everything just gets to you? Gerard feels fed up with it all. Oneshot.
Gerard sits in his bunk, letting his red locks fall over his face like a curtain for his eyes. The other boys are asleep. For My Chemical Romance, it had been just another day. Another show. Yet something was getting to Gerard tonight. Eating at him. Hell, it wasn't just something. It was everything. All of it. He felt this same sensation long ago, when they had first started out as a band. This time, there was no Brian to call.
Sure, he could wake up one of the guys. They'd give him a hug. Tell him everything was going to be okay. Mikey might cuddle him until he fell asleep. Such an overdone routine it had become, that Gerard felt it had lost it's sincerity. To the guys, it was probably now just a way to shut him up so they could go about their own lives. He wouldn't blame them. Gerard felt like a burden onto himself just as he was to them. Especially poor Mikey. Wasn't he supposed to be the older brother?
Somehow he felt like talking just wasn't going to work tonight.
He tries to think of his fans. His fans who looked up to him. So many of them young, naive, and impressionable. Yet the impression he had left on them had always been of conflict. Gerard felt as though his fans misunderstood him so often. They had placed him on a pedestal only to constantly knock him down at every turn. Every mistake. Saviors weren't supposed to make mistakes. Saviors of the broken, the beaten, and the damned. Good thing he was no savior. Just a man, not a hero. Too bad so many people refused to remember that part of the song.
It was ironic that people mislabeled him a hero. Yet often he also felt treated simultaneously like a fucking zoo animal. A zoo animal expected to put on a flawless performance for his viewers, who constantly thrash against his cage. Viewers who kept asking him to perform different tricks at the same time.
When did it become like this?
Gerard had started this band in the hopes he could help people. Make a difference in peoples' lives through music. When they started getting fans, people telling them they loved the band, it was the most amazing feeling in the world. Now it felt like his own fanbase, who claimed to love him, was suffocating him. When the hell did it start being about Frerard or whoring himself out for a good show? When did it get to a point where people constantly sent his wife and daughter messages of hate, when they had done absolutely nothing to provoke it? And although he knew that all the guys had to deal with issues such as these, Gerard can't help but feel like he was being targeted most of all.
Not like Ray, Mikey, or Frank.
Fucking Frank. The fucking saint of the band. The fan favorite. Fans felt he could do no wrong, while Gerard was condemned for every other word he said. If only they knew the things Frank had done in the past. They wouldn't think he was so god damn adorable then.
Frank had been neglecting him as of lately. Ignoring him. It never occurred to Gerard that this may be the reason for his sudden accumulation of negative thoughts. Gerard tried to understand. He had a family. He had Jamia. There was no room for him in his heart any longer. Whatever was left had been replaced by the 592nd dog he had bought a month ago.
Gerard wasn't good enough for anyone anymore. Not his fans. Not Frank. He was toxic to Mikey, Bandit, and Lindsey. He only dragged them down. There were better brothers, better fathers, and better husbands.
Unable to come to any other conclusion, Gerard shakily took the pill bottle from underneath his pillow. Tears streamed down his face, and he fought to suppress a pained cry that urged to escape from his lips. He rocked back and forth as he gripped it. Trembling. A voice in the back of his mind was screaming: 'Don't do this. It isn't right.'
With it came other voices. The voices of people who told him he was responsible for the suicide of a young girl. The voices of people who told him he had changed into some horrible person over the years. The voices of people who told him he deserved to die.
Gerard turns his tearful gaze to Mikey, in the bunk just across from him. He stares at his little brother's sleeping form before whispering "I'm sorry..." in his direction. He knows Mikey will be the one to find him. Mikey usually wakes him up early so they can go on a morning coffee run. He knows Mikey will be extremely upset, perhaps even devastated. He wishes he could be there to comfort Mikey and convince him that its better in the long run. Not always having this horrible excuse for an older brother to take care of. Gerard always felt Mikey was the better Way brother anyway.
Wasting no time, Gerard swallows all 50 pills with ease. He does it quickly, assuring he can't change his mind at the last minute. He allows himself to collapse into his bed. He shuts his eyes for the final time.
As some last thoughts, he thinks of the band. They'll be fine. Frank can replace him as the singer. Everyone loves him anyway. They'd just need to find another guitarist. Mikey can replace him as the artist. And Gerard would have bettered their lives by not being there. So in a way, he accomplished what he had set out to do. Making a difference, a positive difference in someone's life.
Just before Gerard slips away, he feels his heart twitch with the beginnings of death and doubt.