Emotions run high as the sparks fly.
Just wanted to give you guys a heads up saying that this chapter is kind of explicit. Here's a link to the song that they were singing (www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTg7V3JpAJ8). Also, thank you for the reviews and I would like to give a shout out to my three best friends Courtney, April and Violet for giving me the courage to actually post this. I couldn't have done it without you!
And so the plan were made for tonight’s show. Since my band were the only people who knew how to play the song, it was agreed that after our set we would call Gerard out onstage for and encore. We practiced it all day so make sure we had our parts down even though it was a simple song; verses and choruses were done by me, and pre-chorus bridges were done by Gerard.
I was excited to do the song with Gerard. It was something a little more sexual than he was used to, and lord knows I loved to push his boundaries. I loved to take him out of his comfort zone. His shows were always PG-13 with maybe a little crotch grabbing if the crowd was lucky. Mine were like soft-core porn most of the time. I couldn’t wait to get him on that stage and test him. I couldn’t wait to see how far he’d let me take him out there.
And as we were practicing, I noticed a certain feeling that resided over me. It felt like a warm, prickling heat that spread all through my body. It was a light headed feeling. It was happiness combined with excitement. And this wondrous feeling only came over me when Gerard was in the room. Whenever he got near me, or touched me, or smiled at me my heart started leaping right out of my chest. What was this? The last time I remembered feeling so strongly for somebody was when I was with Leah. All she had to do was walk in the room and it was send my head reeling. And that was exactly how I felt with Gerard at this point.
Was I crushing? Was I infatuated with him? I kept telling myself that I didn’t like him as anything more than a friend. I knew I wasn’t being honest with myself, but I didn’t want to like him. Sure he was a great, funny, adorable, good looking guy who actually treated me like a lady. But I wasn’t looking for any kind of relationship with anybody. I didn’t want to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I was took busy with my music career. I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid I wasn’t good enough for him. Relationships were messy and people’s feelings got hurt. But as much as I wanted to deny it, I knew that I loved him back. But that doesn’t mean I would let myself act on it.
But the show must go on, and it did go on. I wanted to make it the best show out of the tour so far with lots of singing, screaming and dancing on top of the piano. I had a few beers before the show and I had a good buzz going, but I wasn’t drunk. The crowd loved it, and I knew that they would love Gerard and I’s surprise at the end of the set even more. I decided to end the set with one of our more raunchy songs, “Take It”, so that I could get in the mood. When the song finished out, we waited for the crowd to show us that they really wanted encore.
“ONE MORE SONG, ONE MORE SONG!” the mass of teenagers chanted in unison. I teased them by holding my hand up to my ear, as if I couldn’t hear them. They threw it back in my face, coming back ten time louder than before. I was satisfied.
“You know you love me.” I said into the mic. They all wailed hysterically and I smirked. “And you know that I love you, too. But I think got something you’ll love even more. Alright ladies and germs, welcome the talented, the fabulous, the handsome…Gerard Way to the main stage!” I announced, pointing over to the side stage where Gerard had been waiting through the set. The crowd went nuts! They were totally ballistic as he trotted out onstage.
“Come on, show him some love!” I said, encouraging the insanity, feeding it like a fire. Gerard grabbed the other microphone we had set out for him and took a small bow for the audience.
I looked over at Milo and nodded, giving him the signal. Morningwood’s “Take Off Your Clothes” bass line came rumbling in followed by the drum beat and the guitar. Immediately I felt my hips start to swing. It was like a knee-jerk reaction that always happened whenever we played this song. I counted down the beats until my part came up.
“Uh, when I see you baby I wanna take off your clothes. Just rip off your clothes! Just take off your clothes!” I belted out the opening lyrics into the mic as I danced. “Uh, when I see you I want you to take off my clothes. Just rip off my clothes, just take off my clothes! Well, make yourself at home and take off your clothes. We’ll get naked and, we’ll see how it goes!” I sang, turning to face Gerard for his part.
“I know baby your frustrated, but I’d like it if we waited. Get a little more acquainted. Its better when anticipated.” he sang back to me in response. I was smiling widely and so was he.
“Just take off your clothes!” we sang out together. For theatrics, I gave him a little shove to the shoulder. He playfully pushed me right back and I felt the grin on my lips grow wider and wider.
“I wanna touch your little, your little hip bones. Your collar bones, and all your other bones. And your happy trail, its my happy trail. And your treasure trail, well see what goes down.” I sang, walking around him in a circle and staring him down the way a vulture might do. He narrowed his eyes as well and turned it on me, giving me that sexy little smirk as he did his part.
“Come on baby your fixated. I think I like it if we waited. Get a little more acquainted. It’s better when anticipated.” he sang, his voice in perfect rhythm with the guitar. It was giving me chill.
“No its not! Just take off your clothes!” I practically shouted, giving him another shove. The guitar solo rolled in and I quickly dashed over to the piano. I jumped from the bench right onto the top of it and landed a perfect split right there. I hopped back up and took Gerard’s hand, letting him help lead me down from the piano.
“So come on baby, jump and shout! Let’s begin, and I’ll take off your clothes. ‘Cause everyone knows, you like me it shows.” I said, putting on my slightly higher pitched voice for dramatic affect. I almost laughed at the last line because it was so relevant to our situation. “And you know how it goes when you take of your clothes. Ooh, see how it grows. I just wanna know…” I finished. And as I sang those lyrics, I realized that I did in fact want to take off his clothes. I wanted him to be my first. I wanted to really mess around with him. And tonight might just be my chance…
“Take off your clothes!” I demanded, pushing him backwards once more. He seemed a little shocked, but went along with what I was doing. Now it was time for the trickiest part of the song; the part when Gerard and I would be singing back and forth at each other.
“No you take off your clothes.” Gerard retorted. I pushed him back again, walking toward him and swinging my hips as I did so.
“Take off your clothes!” I said, my voice growing louder. I pushed Gerard back and this time he actually fell on his ass. But he went with what I was going for and I was grateful. Performing with him was turning out to be a lot of fun.
“I’ll take off my clothes.” he replied slyly. I dropped to my knees, hitting the stage with a small thud.
“And I’ll take off my clothes!” I growled, crawling closer to him.
“I’ll rip off your clothes.” he purred into the microphone. I got closer and closer as the guitar’s shrieks got higher and higher.
“Rip off my clothes?” I screeched, sitting myself right on his torso. We locked eyes as we sang to each other, both of us knowing that we wanted to strip each other down.
“I’ll take off your clothes.” Gerard smirked. I was surprised and delighted at how far he was letting me go, but I could tell we’d left his comfort zone a long time ago. And the crowd sounded like they were all going through a psychotic fit and I loved it.
“Take off your clothes!” I shouted at him.
“I’ll rip off my clothes!” he shouted right back.
“Rip off your clothes!” I screamed, throwing my head back.
“I’ll take off your clothes.” Gerard said slyly.
“Come on, just take off my clothes!” I whined, rolling off of him and helping him get back up.
“I know baby your frustrated, but I’d like it if we waited. Get a little more acquainted. It’s better when anticipated.” Gerard sang the final bridge. I surprised him by jumping on him, wrapping my legs around his waist and one arms over his shoulder. Thankfully he caught me, helping to give the show a perfect ending.
“Oh, just take off your clothes!” I bellowed into the microphone, locking eyes with Gerard. “Please.” I pouted, finishing off the song. The crowd went wild and as the rest of the band took their bows and headed off to stage right, Gerard hoisted me up a bit better and carried me off to stage left.
As soon as we were where the crowd and nobody else could see us, I practically attacked him. Laughing so hard it made our stomach’s hurt, we ended up crashing into the wall. Gerard dropped me and I fell on my ass, bringing him with me. He was laying on top of me, his face right above mine. I cupped my hands around his jaw line and kissed him. I felt lost in the moment. I didn’t care about my actions. I wasn’t going to think twice about them. This just felt right. It felt like it was meant to happen. At first Gerard seemed a bit shocked and unwilling to kiss me back, but fell into it.
“You were so good tonight.” I said in between the kisses I was laying on his lips. We struggled to stand back up and instead of just making out in the hall where somebody might find us, Gerard pulled me into a dressing room that nobody was using. He shut and locked the door hurriedly before turning back to me.
“You were better.” he insisted, pressing his lips to mine once again. Looks like Gerard wasn’t thinking twice either. He must’ve covered my mouth with one hundred of those sweet kisses of his. How long we were locked in that abandoned dressing room, I couldn’t tell you. I was too dizzy and my head was spinning too fast for me to keep track of anything.
“Hey, go guys seen Desolé?” somebody called, pounding on the door. They must’ve heard Gerard and I laughing. We tried to shush ourselves, but knowing we should be quiet only made it funnier. Gerard noticed a door in the back that said “Emergency Exit” and opened it. It led to the parking lot outside so we both dashed out and slammed it behind us, not looking back.
“This is crazy!” I said, feeling the chilly night air fill my lungs. I took a big breath in and exhaled. You could see my breath it was so chilled outside. I felt myself get goose bumps and start shivering because I was so exposed by the skimpy stage clothes which where comprised of a latex micro-mini skirt, suspenders and a white cotton belly shirt.
“I know. This is amazing. I feel like this is some sort of dream and I keep thinking that I’m about to be woken up. But I haven’t yet. This isn’t a dream, is it?” he rambled on. I couldn’t hold back a laugh. He noticed that I was shaking and draped his reeking leather jacket over my shoulders. I attacked him again, already craving the feeling of his lips on mine. I never wanted to stop kissing him. I wanted to just kiss him forever and have him hold me until we were nestled safely in our grave.
Gerard and I broke apart, but held hands as we ran around through the parking lot. The sky was filled with little twinkling stars, the moon was full and the sky was a gorgeous navy blue color. The smell of car exhaust and cigarettes were hanging in the air and it was intoxicating. Just being around Gerard was intoxicating. Tonight felt like magic. Tonight was lovely and beautiful.
“Hey come here!” Gerard called, running a head of me over to this big white van. I trotted up behind him and we peered inside the windows. I turned around and leaned my back against the van. Gerard stepped in front of me and kissed me so hard it was pushing my head against the window. He grabbed my wrists and held them above my head, having them rest against the van up near the roof. I felt every inch of him press again me as our lips parted and met over and over again.
I freed my arms and reached over to find that the van was unlocked. Gerard and I both shared a quick, knowing glance. Then we hurriedly piled into the mysterious car and shut the door behind us. I was laying on the seat in the middle row and Gerard was sitting right between my legs, kissing me all up and down my neck.
“This is really fast Desolé. Are you sure this is what you want. I mean, just yesterday you said you only wanted to be friends.” He said suddenly, slowing his pace. I didn’t want him to slow down, not at all. I wanted him to keep going.
“I was lying to you and myself when I said that. I want to be with you, here, tonight. I wouldn’t want this any other way.” I assured him, giving him the okay to continue. He nodded and pressed his face to my neck again. His lips kept messaging and nipping at my neck and after a while I felt his hand start to creep up into my black latex skirt. For me that was kind of the point of no return. I mean, I could go back if I wanted to but I didn’t.
“Woah!” I gasped in a mix of pleasure and surprise when I felt his hand on me. I wish I’d kept my mouth shut because Gerard stopped in his tracks.
“If this isn’t what you want to do then I’m okay with that. If you want me to stop, I’ll stop.” he said honestly, quickly pulling his hand away. I loved that he was such a gentlemen about it, so I held back an eye roll at how cheesy he was.
I was grateful to have somebody who was understanding and compassionate for my first time. Remember, I am still a virgin. I may act totally slutty and dress like a street walked but my virginity was my one bit of innocence left and I was determined to hold onto that. And it wasn’t any religious matter, I just wanted that one shred left off my childhood to stick around. I wanted to give it to somebody I could trust, somebody who I loved. And who better than Gerard?
“This is exactly what I want. Don’t stop.” I reassured him, tucking a piece of greasy black hair behind his ear so that it was out of his face. I leaned up and planted a very passionate kiss on him as he continued what he had been doing.
His hand lingered on my inner thigh, twirling in tiny circles and gives me chills and goose bumps. Slowly, he worked his way back up. He moved my underwear to the side and touched me. He’d obviously done this before because I instantly loved what he was doing. It was like he automatically knew how to move his hand on me. It was great, it was tops. Suddenly, I felt him thrust his middle finger inside of me and I let out another gasp. But this one didn’t stop him. If anything, it encouraged him.
As time went on, clothes started to come off. My shirt was on the floor of the car and my skirt was rolled up around my hips. I felt right doing this. I wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed because I didn’t I have to be. I had the strong feeling that this was how it was meant to happen. And for the most part I was prepared. I felt thankful that I had just gotten my monthly bikini wax done and I’d shaved my legs this morning. I was also glad I decided to put on my frilliest pair of matching bra and underwear instead of my usual mismatched stuff. And mentally? I figured I was ready. I tried not to think about it though.
Gerard buried his face in my neck again. Who knew how long we’d been laying here just fooling around. He kept kissing me up my neck until he reached my ear where bit gently at my ear lobe. I let out a breathy sigh as he touched my right breast.
“Are you ready?” he asked very quietly into my ear, his hand still on my chest. I only nodded because I was speechless. I couldn’t comprehend what we were doing and what was about to happen. The next thing I heard where the sounds of plastic crinkling and a zipper being pulled down. I couldn’t decide whether this was excitement or fear that was coursing through me. I took a big, silent breath and held it in. I shut my eyes tight and braced myself for what was about to come-
I felt a sharp, almost stabbing pain shoot through me. And suddenly I came to the realization that I wasn’t a virgin anymore. I couldn’t tell whether this made me happy or sad. Well, there was no getting it back now so I guess that being sad over it was useless. A virgin was one less word you could use to describe me now. It was strange, knowing that the last little bit of innocence you had was gone and the guy laying on top of you held it in the palm of his hand.
The next few thrusts hurt just as badly as the first, if not worse. I put on my best poker face, determined not to let it show. Gerard didn’t know this was my first time and I wasn’t about to let him find out. After a while, the sharp pain began to ease up and soon all I felt was mild discomfort mixed with slight pleasure. I was kind of afraid that sex would always feel like this and that it would never be really “good” so to speak. I just told myself that this was my first time and that it would get better as I went along.
Gerard had his face buried in the crook my neck, propped up on his elbows. He was panting and every so often a moan slipped out. I wondered absently what his facial expression might look like. I felt like I should probably be making some noise too, but I was unsure of myself and stayed quiet. Once again, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself so I pretty much just laid there. Gerard seemed to know what he was doing and that was fine with me. I focused on how good it felt as he panted down my neck, his breath warm and calming in a weird way. I listened to his heart as it raced onward, faster and faster. I listened to the crickets chirp outside and the frogs croak.
After a while, I still had no idea what time it was or how long this had been going on. It was as though time was nothing but another blurred line in my life. Gerard’s moans became louder and more frequent as time lingered on. I figured that it was almost over, not that I wanted it to be. As cheesy as it sounded, this was the closest I’d ever felt to any guy in my life. This was just about as close as two people could be I’d imagine. Suddenly, with one final thrust Gerard groaned and paused as he reached his climax.
The first thought that came to my mind was “what do you do now?”. Gerard stopped and lingered for a moment to catch his breath, kissing my collar bones in between breathes. I stroked his hair. He got up for a minute to throw the used condom out the door and I held back a laugh as I thought “I wonder who this van belongs to”. Gerard laid back down on top of me, his chin resting on my chest. I peered down my nose at him, smiling softly and playing with his long bangs. He reached up and gently touched my lower lip with his index finger, staring off into space. Then he scooted up and kissed me quietly.
And just like I knew it would happen, the reality of what had just done hit me hard in the face. It was like somebody had just swung a wrecking ball into my brain. My thoughts scrambled for a few minutes as the enormity of it all sunk in and when they cleared I realized that I had just slept with my best friend.
Oh god what had I done! What was wrong with me? Who does this? Had somebody put something in my drink that would make me do this? I was freaking the fuck out, but it wasn’t because of regret. I honestly didn’t regret a single thing. The only real reason I was about to loose my fucking cool was because I was afraid that I was leading Gerard on. He kisses me, I kissed him back and break his heart two minutes later. I tell him I just want to be friends and next thing I know I’m laying my back with my panties around my ankles!
The worry was only getting worse because I knew he would take this as a sign that I wanted to be in a relationship. I didn’t though, or at least that’s what I kept telling myself. I couldn’t be in a relationship, I’d be a terrible girlfriend. But I was an ever worse friend. How in the world was I going to explain this to him? What was I supposed to say, “yeah, we fucked but I just wanna be friends”? I felt like I was about to throw up all over the place.
Gerard sat up and fixed his pants. I pulled my shirt over my head, pulled up my panties and rolled down my skirt. Gerard waited a moment as I adjusted my suspenders and when I finished he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug. All I wanted was to run away. I shut my eyes and scooted away from him as gingerly as possible.
“What, you don’t want to snuggle?” Gerard laughed as I meandered over to the other side of the car’s seat. He sounded to happy, so overjoyed. It broke my heart, knowing that all I could think about was dark clouds and thunder.
“Gerard, I don’t snuggle. I’m not good at it.” I lied bitterly. He scooted over to me and hugged me again, kissing my neck. Those lips that had been pure heaven a few minutes ago now felt like they were filled with poison.
“Can it! You are the best snuggler I’ve every met. Come on, just stay here with me. Just a little while.” he urged, his voice muffled by my neck. I bit my lip, just wanting to leave so that I could formulate a plan. It was going to be a tight squeeze, but I’d figure a way to wiggle myself out of this fix.
“Gerard, we have no idea what time it is. We’ve been gone for hours. Milo’s probably put up a missing person report for me by now.” I said, gently moving him off of me. He sighed and bit the inside of his cheek. I wasn’t lying. Milo would probably throw a fit when I got back to the bus.
“You should get back to the guys. I have to go.” I mumbled. He looked sad for a moment. I couldn’t stand it so I cupped his chin in my hand and kissed him.
“You’re right, we should probably get going.” he said finally after I’d pulled away. I nodded and we piled out of the strangers van. It was still dark outside and it was still chilly. I turned and walked away from Gerard without saying goodbye. All I wanted was a hot shower and a pow-wow with Milo.
I didn’t look back until I wandered my way across the expansive parking lot and reached the safety and comfort of my bus. The lights were on inside, but the door was locked. I banged on it three times and waited outside, shivering in the dark. As I suspected he would, Milo opened the door.
“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!” He shrieked at me, grabbing my arm and yanking me inside the bus. It was warm and bright and cozy inside and I was thankful.
“I’ll tell you in a second, just let me know what time it is.” I said calmly, making my way through the bus. I lit my favorite chocolate scented candle and shutting off the lights. I shimmied out of my clothes for a second time tonight and put on my warmest flannel pajamas.
“ITS ALMOST FOUR IN THE MORNING! YOU’VE BEEN MISSING SINCE ONE!” he continued to yell. I laid down in my bunk and pulled the blankets over myself. Now I was ready to explain myself.
“I can explain.” I assured him. He huffed and took a seat in front of my bunk on the floor. “After the show, I snuck off with Gerard.” I began. I watched as his eyes widened and his jaw dropped.
“You didn’t!” he gasped, smacking my arm. I chuckled because I knew he would react this way. I nodded smugly in response.
“I did. In the back of some random van too.” I added because I knew he would get a kick out of it. Milo laughed loudly, his eyes still the size of the moon.
“Well good for you ya little slut!” he congratulated me. I laughed a little bit. “So tell me, was he good?” Milo asked. I knew this part was coming.
“I dunno. I guess. I mean, when he fingered me it felt real good. But the sex itself just…hurt.” I said, pausing while I tried to think of the right word. Milo frowned and patted my shoulder gently.
“It always does the first time. Don’t worry, it gets better as you go along.” he assured me. I sighed, relieved to hear it from him. He was an expert in these matters. “So are you two dating now or what?” he asked.
“No…I don’t know. Gerard wants to but I just don’t know. I’m sick of hurting him like this. I’m a terrible person.” I grumbled, shoving my head under my pillow. Milo sighed and patted my shoulder some more.
“There, there. You aren’t a terrible person. You have a right to decide who you want to date.” Milo said comfortingly. I poked my head out of the pillow for air and to talk.
“Yeah, but I feel like I’m leading him on. One minute I want him, one minute I don’t. I don’t know what to do with myself!” I said exasperatedly. I stuffed my face back under the pillow.
“You’re just confused. Don’t worry. We’ll figure something out. Just go to sleep. You need your rest.” Milo said calmly. I sighed and he patted my arm and stayed up with me until I fell asleep.