Desole is combatted with her feelings for Gerard
Trying to sleep that night was useless. Every time I closed my eyes I either saw the sad look in Gerard’s eyes as I waked away or smile in them as he leaned in to kiss me. I laid there in my bunk, listening to the rumbling drone of the engine feeling guilty and depressed. That kiss had been the sweetest I’d ever tasted, and I had tasted many. That kiss was dynamite, fireworks, heart felt and everything else a good kiss should be. But that kiss had been better than good, it had been superb. But as beautiful as it was, I tried not to think about it. And yet it was one of the only two things on my mind.
The other thing was Gerard. Oh, Gerard; sweet, funny, caring Gerard. Too much of a lover for his own good. Maybe if I had just listened to him when he was telling me he loved me this big old mess wouldn’t have even happened. But then again, maybe fate or destiny had some part in it. I didn’t know. The lines between friends and lovers were all smudged now, crossing into each other, swerving and intermingling. What was I supposed to say to him tomorrow? How was I supposed to look him in the eyes? I tried to tell myself that this was just some drunken fluke and that if he had been sober it wouldn’t have happened. But I knew that was a lie.
The memory of the look in his eyes as I walked away felt like somebody had lodged a steel knife into my chest. I didn’t think I could bare seeing him tomorrow, but god knows I’d have to. There would be no avoiding it. Why in the hell had I kissed him back? I probably gotten his hopes up, only to crush them five minutes later. I should’ve just pulled away the moment our lips touched. But no, I was too selfish for that. I had to at least “sample the milk before I bought the cow” in a manner of speaking. What was wrong with me? Who does that to somebody? Why was it that whenever I found what good be a good, solid relationship I twist and mangle it beyond recognition? Why did I always have to scar the person so badly that they could never trust or love again?
The truth was, I kissed Gerard back because I wanted to see if I felt anything. I’d kissed lots of people since Leah died, but never had they ever gave me anything feeling. But Gerard was different; I felt so much in that kiss it scared me. If I wasn’t such an untrusting bitch I would’ve kept on kissing him, but no. This is why I can’t have nice things. I was too terrified to even entertain the notion of being in a healthy relationship. What if I got hurt again? What if I hurt them? What if I ruin it? What if they wake up one morning and decide that they didn’t love me anymore? What if I can’t live or breathe without them?
Totally irrational, totally stupid. I was mad at myself. Furious was a better word actually. I was furious with myself. I rolled over my side and pulled my knees up my chin, laying in fetal position. As I laid there I wished that I was a normal girl. Maybe then I would be able to deal with things. Maybe then I would be able to comprehend the fact that somebody loved me. I almost laughed out loud at the thought. Somebody getting butterflies in their stomach, because of me? It just seemed so unlikely. I mean, even when people complimented me I automatically assumed they were making fun of me. How was I supposed to handle somebody professing their love me?
All the time I told myself that I was perfectly happy with being lonely. I told myself that I was content and for the longest time I believed it, too. I always figured that falling in love wouldn’t be worth the risk and that I would probably loose it all in the end anyhow. But after tonight I wasn’t so sure about that anymore. Maybe with Gerard I would be safe to let my walls down and let him in. No! What was I thinking? What was this crazy talk? I clamped my eyes shut tight and tried to fall asleep. I wouldn’t have to deal with this if I just slept, right? Wrong; sleeping would only bring dreams of that kiss…
THE NEXT DAY
We were parked outside the venue, waiting for our turn to go on. Everybody was out drinking, laughing and being light hearted. I shut myself in the bus, door locked and blinds shut. The only light was coming from microwave clock. I was laying on the couch, trying to make up for all the sleep I lost last night. I tried my hardest not to regret kissing him back. I tried not to regret anything because at one point it was exactly what I wanted. I didn’t have it in me to be light hearted or laugh or ever smile at this point.
Out of the darkness and misery came a knock on the tour bus door. Figuring it was just Milo coming to make sure I was still breathing, I told them one minute and pulled on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I walked over and unlocked the door before opening it. I was smacked in the face by all the light that poured in. But as soon as my eyes adjusted, I saw that it wasn’t Milo at the door, it was Gerard. Part of me wanted to slam it in his face and run, but I told myself to be a big girl and let him in.
“Hey Gerard…” I said glumly. He looked just as fucked up as I felt. The expression in his eyes and the frown on his lips only made me feel worse about the whole situation. He was wearing his usual too-tight black jeans and bat-shaped belt buckle. His faded and torn leather jacket that was literally falling apart at the seem. His long black bangs pulled over in front of his eyes. He looked really cute. He always looked really cute.
“Hey Des. Can I come in for a few minutes?” he asked, not looking up from his shoes. I sighed inwardly and nodded, stepping out of way of the door. He walked inside and I turned on the light before shutting the door behind us.
“Come here.” I mumbled, pushing the covers back on my bunk and laying myself inside of it. I grabbed his hand led him in with me. I reached down and pulled the covers up around our shoulders before turning on my side to face him. This was a really weird way to start an important conversation but I wanted to be comfortable, even though the topic was uncomfortable.
“So what brings you here?” I asked, toying with his fingers, unable to look him in the eye just yet. I noticed as he bit the inside of his cheek.
“I always come to talk to you before your show…to give you good luck.” his voice trailed off. I felt a smile playing on my lips at this sweet gesture. Maybe that smile would’ve lasted longer if last night hadn’t happened. But then again, if last night hadn’t happened we wouldn’t be here laying my bunk together.
“Gerard, about last night-” I began after a few minutes of silence that I spent trying to decide what to say. Gerard held up his hand and I fell silent once again. Maybe it would be best if I just let him do the talking this time.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” he said firmly and sadly at the same time. His tone of voice reminded me of all those pitiful afternoons when I would come home from sixth grade sobbing and my dad would ask me what happened and I would always say the same thing. I bit my lip because despite wanting to avoid it at all costs, I had to get something off my chest.
“I know, neither do I. But I feel like I have to make something clear.” I said, taking his pale hand in mine. He nodded for me to continue. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you last night. I just got spooked and when I get spooked I tend to run. I should’ve explained myself. You see Gerard, I love you. But its not in the same way. I love you like I love Milo, like a brother. And I know I should’ve said this last night, but I really just want to stay friends.” I explained as kindly and as gently as I possibly could. But the truth is, I couldn’t decipher whether what I had just told him was a lie of not. Gerard nodded in understanding.
“So you don’t hate me?” I asked, looking up at him from under my eyebrows. There was a brief pause and I braced myself for the possible “yes, I hate you”. I would understand if he hated me. At this point, I wasn’t so fond of myself either.
“You know I can’t hate you, I never could.” he said finally. I felt the weight of last night lifted from my chest. It felt like I could breath again, so I took in a big sigh of relief. I pulled him into a hug and buried my face in his Iron Maiden shirt. He petted my hair gently and we laid like that for a long time. He smelled like cigarettes and Old Spice and it made me smile.
“We should do a song together onstage.” I said suddenly, right as the idea passed through my head. I adjusted my head so that my chin was resting on his chest and I was looking up at him. How much fun would it be to sing a song in front of thousands with one of your best friends?
“What kind of song were you thinking?” he asked, one eyebrow raised in suspicion. I bit my cheek as I pondered it for a moment or two.
“Hm, it has to be something catchy and kind of short. We’d have to do it at the end of the set list. It has to be sexy, I won’t be singing unless the song is sexy.” I thought out loud, Gerard laughed a little and played with my hair.
“Do you know the band Morningwood?” I asked as another brilliant idea crossed my mind.
“Yeah, I know them.” Gerard said, obviously wondering what I had in store for the two of us.
“Are you familiar with their song ‘Take Off Your Clothes’?” I asked. He nodded and I got excited. “Perfect! That’s one of the first songs my band learned how to play! All we have to do now is practice and run it by everybody!” I said happily.
“Perfect!” Was all Gerard could manage to say.
Once again, my updating schedule is all cooky because of this internet. Sorry about that! Also, I know this chapter is a bit short but the next one is going to be highly eventful so watch out! Thanks again for the great reviews!!!