Crowded corridors, Dark classrooms and Denial....PLEASE R&R GUYS! XD I should be able to update in a few days (:
Okay, I’m also dedicating Chapter Twenty Five to cup-full-of-blood for being so awesome and putting up a note for me…and also understanding my craziness!
Enjoy and please R&R! xD
Chapter Twenty Four
Frank’s point of view:
The frosty world visible outside the grime-speckled corridor window is tantalizing, the space and silence and freedom calling me like an icy whisper; the thin layer of frost sparkles in the weak, early morning sunlight, coating the sweet wrappers, coke cans and crisp wrappers that litter the yard like sugar icing. It clings to the harshly cut grass and chewing gum speckled tarmac, dancing up the weathered deciduous trees that stand near the playing fields, the icy silver dust of winter intertwining with their frozen branches. How can such a tainted world look so beautiful, so pure? How can everything looks so perfect and peaceful on the outside, when inside, it’s just a mangled mess?
In almost brutal contrast to the peaceful purity of the now deserted schoolyard, the corridor is busy and bustling, crammed to the full with teenagers, raucous, loud and uncaring. I’m starting to feel kinda trapped into the sea of students, my breathing stuttering, pulse starting to panic as the beginnings of claustrophobia descend, colliding uncomfortably with the jittery nerves and apprehension and constricting my breathing further, as if there’s an invisible rope knotted round my lungs pulling tighter…tighter…
I try and calm myself by breathing deeply and calmly; in and out. In and out.
I’m just an empty shell hidden inside a scruffy school uniform.
In and out. In and out.
I’m just a hollow soul concealed inside a protective shell.
In…and out….in….and out….
Through the endless chatter that overwhelms the corridor, I catch the name ‘Jared’, which I instantly mistake for ‘Gerard’, and the rope that constricts my lungs I’ve been working so hard on loosening, tightens once more, almost unbearably, and I have to duck out of the cramped corridor through the fire exit, out into the cool, calming air of the yard.
As the door swings shut behind me with a loud clang, I take a deep, shuddering breaths, letting the cool, icy air fill my panicked lungs. It’s deafeningly silent out here in comparison to the noisy corridor, and I can here my thoughts buzzing round my head clearly.
Arggh, WHY am I getting so worked up about all of this?! I mean, I’ve barely slept all weekend, just spent the nights tossing and turning and trying to block out my own thoughts, and I haven’t eaten a proper meal since Saturday lunchtime because for some reason, there’s a horrible, sick, hollow feeling at the pit of my stomach. Okay, so it was a pretty freaky thing, but shouldn’t I have got over it by now? Rather than constantly stressing about it and totally panicking when I hear a name that sounds vaguely like his?! Seriously, that’s over-reacting in the extreme.
…I guess it’s just cause I can’t believe I’ve lost the best thing that’s happened to me in years, lost who’s probably the best friend I’ve ever had…
But that doesn’t explain why I’m so confused, why I can’t eat, why I can’t sleep, all because my brain won’t stop constantly firing questions at me-why did you kiss back? Why did you run away? Why don’t you hate his guts? And why are you worrying about all this so fucking much?!
It’s like deep down, I know the answers, but for some reason, I’m too scared to delve deeper and find out. It’s like playing with fire- I’m scared to put my hand too close to the flames in case it gets burnt, but I’m burning the fingertips anyway.
I take one last breath of the calming, early morning air, firmly lock away all my thoughts, and pull open the fire door to go back inside.
The corridor is still just as busy, and I melt into the crowds with ease, head bowed, gazing determinedly at my scruffy converse and trying to block everything out. However, my peace is interrupted as a horribly familiar voice from further down the corridor reaches my ears.
Oh my god, he’s coming this way.
I look around desperately, but there’s no escape; there are too many people behind me to turn back, and there are no nearby fire escapes to scramble out of, so I do the only thing left and carry on towards him and Bee, feeling almost as if I’m in a dream, hiding behind my fringe and trying to look relaxed, when inside I’m shaking.
As they pass, I can’t help glancing up, and my eyes lock briefly with Gerard’s. They’re startlingly greeny-hazel, and riddled with nerves and fear, which instantly makes me feel really guilty- he looks at least as scared as I feel, so I try for a feeble smile, to which the fear in his eyes softens slightly, then he’s passed with Bee, and I shuffle on towards Biology.
I pause outside Biology lab 12, heart pumping jittery adrenaline through my body, mind still reeling from my encounter with Gerard in the corridor- it was almost surreal, seeing the person I’ve spent at least the last twenty four hours stressing over, just there in the flesh, at school as normal, almost as if Saturday night had all just been a weird dream…
But it wasn’t, of course- if it had been a mere figment of my imagination, I’d have been walking with Bee and Gerard, talking and laughing, instead of trying to become invisible, not even able to meet their eyes.
It’s completely and utterly ridiculous, but I can’t see to even pluck up the courage to open the classroom door and go in, so just stand there, frozen, as the corridor bustles on behind me, teachers, students, pushing and shoving heir way through the masses to first period. The sound of scuffled footsteps, laughing and chattering bounces loudly off the grim, grey walls, but to me, it’s just a vague echo resounding dimly in my eardrums as my thoughts whirl and whirl round my skull, numbing my senses.
What if Gerard’s not there?
What if Gerard IS there?
What if he doesn’t sit next to me?
What if he hates me?
What if he’s joined Aled’s gang?
What if he beats me up?
I stop myself there, realizing I’m being totally ridiculous- I mean, it’s Gerard I’m talking about here! Not some insensitive dickhead who’ll beat me to death at the first opportunity- he’s one of the most kind and sensitive people I’ve met. And anyway, shouldn’t it be him worrying about all this, not me?
I’m just not sure I can sit next to him for a whole period and see the hurt in those amazing eyes, knowing that it’s me that’s caused it-
Wait. Did I just call Gerard’s eyes ‘amazing’?? no way…can’t have done.
Definitely not. It must have been the lack of sleep.
Maybe I should skive? Or would that be cowardly? I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I already have…
Why are you worrying so much, anyway?
I don’t know!
He was the one who kissed you…
But I was the one who kissed back…
Why did you do that anyway?
I don’t know!
It might have given him the wrong idea…
So it’s my fault?!
I don’t know!
Cause I’m you and you’re confused as hell!
The voices in my head are rudely interrupted by someone shoving hard into me from behind, and a harsh voice snarls “Move it, fag!” as I’m shoved into the Biology lab by a brutal looking jock.
My heart’s hammering against my ribs, palms clammy with dread, stomach writhing with nerves as my eyes sweep the classroom…I discover that apart from Mrs. Evans, two geeky girls sitting at the front of class, and the jock who just shoved me oh-so-kindly through the door, it’s empty.
I breathe a sigh of relief, which strangely turns out to be more like a sigh of disappointment that matches the sinking feeling in my previously fluttering stomach, wander over to the desk Gerard and I usually sit at, and slump down in one of the seats.
The minutes tick by slowly as I watch the remainder of the class trickle into first period; the ‘popular’ guys, comparing bicep muscles, the slutty girls, spraying their harsh strawberry scented scent everywhere, ad the geeks, looking over last weeks notes…but there’s no sign of Gerard.
As the seconds slide by, I get steadily more and more anxiously jittery, jiggling my left leg up and down impatiently, nibbling my lip nervously, as the beginnings of irrational worry start to tug at the soft, vulnerable flesh of my chest, willing, yet at the same time dreading the door to open and Gerard to appear.
But it doesn’t happen…he was in the corridor earlier, so where is he? Is he okay?....Is he okay?...Is he okay?!
Okay, seriously, this is just getting weird how much I’m stressing over this…I guess the truth is that regardless whether what I feel for him is just friendship or not, I miss him. Miss him like hell.
And…wow, wait right there- did I just question whether it’s more than friendship I feel towards him?!
Luckily, before I can get driven mad by my own thoughts, the door swings open once more, and Mrs. Evans, who’s started calling the register, puts down her pen and looks round expectantly.
I look up too, ready for the usual bizarre clash of disappointment and relief that curdles I my stomach, but instead I get a flutter of excitement and my stomach lurches uncomfortably with surprise.
Standing in the doorway is a slim teenage boy dressed entirely in black, from his Iron Maiden hoodie to his scruffy Doc Martens. His hair is black too, blacker than the feathers of a raven or the sky of midnight, and falls disheveled across the ghostly pallor of his face, shrouding his expression as he stares at his feet.
I finally drag my eyes from his frame to notice that Bee’s standing just behind him.
“You’re late again, Mr. Way!” Mrs. Evans barks. “And what are you doing here, Miss. Bryden? You aren’t in this class.”
“Gerard wasn’t feeling very well, Miss- I had to take him to the school nurse, but he’s okay now.” Bee replies, the perfect picture of innocence.
“Very well. Sit down then please, Mr.Way.” Mrs. Evans says crisply.
He hesitates, eyes peering out from behind the curtain of ebony hair, sweeping the classroom, wild with nerves.
Bee gently pushes Gerard forwards before exiting the room and leaving him to start shuffling tentatively towards my desk.
My heart’s in my throat, my pulse racing, palms clammy, stomach a collision of butterfly infested confusion and clarity.
He pauses slightly, cheeks pink behind his raven hair, then slides into the seat beside me.
“Okay class, I’m just going to nip to the staffroom to get something- I’ll be back in a second.” Mrs. Evans announces, then leaves the room swiftly.
I can hear her heeled boots echoing down the silent corridor as the class around us bursts into chatter.
A horrible, heavy silence descends over Gerard and I, like a thundercloud; weighty and awkward and ready to crack, making the silence between us seem almost deafening.
I keep my eyes on the desk, refusing to look up, but I can’t help letting my gaze stray across the graffitied surface to Gerard’s side…
He’s doodling on the back of his jotter, head bent, and I can see his hands trembling round the grip of the pencil.
Pangs of guilt percolate the thick cloud of embarrassed silence and I suddenly feel totally selfish- I mean, if I’m scared and anxious about this, it’s nothing compared to how Gerard’s going to be feeling. He’s got real guts coming into school today- he probably thinks I hate him…why I don’t is a complete mystery to me, but right now isn’t the time to worry about why- I just need him to know that I don’t.
“Umm…hey.” I hear myself mumble.
Gerard drops his pencil and ducks hurriedly to pick it up, cheeks flaming.
“H-h-h-hi…Frank, I-I-” his almost intelligible stuttering is cut off by Mrs. Evans re-entering the room.
“”Okay, class, today we’re going to be watching a documentary on bacteria.” She announces, like it’s the most exciting thing since The Misfits released their latest album. But at least watching a DVD is an excuse for me and Gerard not to have to attempt awkward conversation.
She slots the DVD into the player, presses play and turns out the lights.
I find I can’t concentrate on the film at all, which I guess isn’t that surprising- I’ve never really found the dull drone of a scientist’s voice particularly enthralling, but what is surprising, deeply unnerving and ever so slightly terrifying is that the reason I can’t concentrate seems to be solely due to the person sitting next to me.
I can smell the familiar smell drifting off his hoodie, and with the combination of the dark of the classroom, the memories of the park I’ve refused to re-live suddenly all come flooding over me, drowning me in the past.
Gerard; the way he looked before he kissed me, his startlingly unusual emerald eyes shimmering in the dusky light, wild, uncertain, excited…
The raindrops clung to his long, dark lashes, trickled down his ghostly cheeks like icy tears, and dampened his already ebony hair, making it darker than the thunderclouds that collided above us.
I can almost feel the icy rain hitting my skin, see our breath, smoky in the cold night air mingling together and filling the tiny space between us, see the happiness shine in his eyes, so alive, smell the charismatic scents of charcoal, passion fruit, coffee and dark creativity that lingered around him…and then his lips…soft, so soft, pressed urgently, impulsively against mine, so warm in contrast to the pouring icy rain that fell around us…
I jolt abruptly back into reality with a gasp as someone gently pokes my arm.
“U-ummm…a-are you okay?” I realize it’s Gerard’s soft whisper breathing into the shell of my ear, tingles dancing down my spine. “Y-you-uh-haven’t-um-blinked in like, five whole minutes.”
“N-no, I’m okay…t-thanks..” I gasp, heart pounding so loudly I’m sure he can hear it. Was I really just daydreaming about what I think I was daydreaming about?!
I try my very hardest to concentrate on the documentary, but despite the fact I’m trying desperately to focus all my fucked up little brain cells on it, they only concentrate on one thing. Gerard.
And I can’t. stop. staring. At. Him.
It’s like my eyes are feeding off him, his perfect ghostly pallor, his startling eyes that shimmer jade in the light of the screen, his soft, pink cherry lips which he nibbles anxiously, his disheveled midnight hair that frames his perfect features…I just can’t drag my gaze away…I’m completely captivated; he’s kind of…beautiful?
And we’re so close…millimeters…the warmth of his skin…the brush of his breath…the-
Suddenly, the lights snap back on and I realize that Gerard’s looking right back at me, looking more than a little unnerved.
The harsh, fluorescent strip lights wake me from my hypnotic state and I’m suddenly utterly horrified- oh my god, was I really thinking that? Why?!
It’s like the answer’s there, but it’s dancing, fluttering away, like a russety autumn leaf in the golden breeze, whipping out of reach so I can’t catch it.
Or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to catch it.
Was it okay? Things after this chapter get pretty interesting :P oh, I know I said I while back that I’d have about eight chapters left, but I did a quick plan for the rest of the story, and I actually think there are gunna be like, 12 :L sorry if that’s too much. I could stop it sooner if you want- please let me know :) okay, I’ll shut up now lol xD please R&R and I’ll update as soon as poss! Thanks for reading- I love you guys!!
P.s. for those of you awesome people who read “Be My Detonator”, I’ve got that written too, but I won’t be able to update it til I’m un-banned from the computer or manage to sneak out again :/ thanks so much for all your support- it means a lot! :)