Gerard and Desole work some things out.
That night after the all the shows were finished, Gerard agreed to meet me inside my hotel room. I had been waiting for him there for what felt like hours, feeling sick to my stomach with guilt. Just sitting there, listening to the clock tick on and on only seemed to intensify my anxiety. All I could think about was how bad of a person I was and all the wrong that I had done.
What was wrong with me? Why would anybody ever want to get to know me? How could somebody love a person like me? Old insecurities and fears started to make themselves known, like demons creeping up on me in the dark. I took three Xanax and a shot of whiskey to calm me down but it only made me throw up in the bathroom sink. And by the time Gerard got to my room, I was in even worse shape than I had been before.
“Woah, Des are you okay?” he asked when he saw me curled up on the bed, rocking back and forth with my knees tucked up underneath my chin. Doing this was a habit I picked up a while living on the streets. It was a good way to keep warm and calm down. The minute Gerard stepped into the room, I felt safer. But not safe enough to feel better.
“Gerard…” I squeaked, standing up and hearing my bones creek beneath me. I felt like a rickety old house above the ocean; one more big blow and I’d be sent hurtling into the deep icy seas below. I walked over to Gerard and he welcomed me into a comforting hug. This gave me a little glimmer of hope. Maybe he wasn’t going to shoot me down the way I had done to him. Maybe he was going to be gentle and let me down easy.
“I’m sorry.” I said, immediately bursting into tears without even realizing it at first. I figured apologizing would be the best way to go, despite the fact that I may or may be forgiven this time. I personally was betting on not…
“Sh, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.” Gerard said, leading me back over to the creaky hotel bed. He sat me down then took a seat next to me, placing his left arm around my shoulders and pulling me close. I didn’t deserve to have such good friends. I belonged in hell to be honest. I wanted Gerard to hate me, to be mean and angry toward me. Maybe then it would be easier for me to push him away. But Gerard didn’t have it in him to me any of those things, even though he deserved to be.
“Des, come on. You know it kills me when I see you cry.” Gerard said after a few minutes of just sitting there and listening to me sob. He took my chin in his hand and turned my face so that I was looking at him. He messily but gently wiped the tears and eye make up off of my cheeks before kissing the tip of my nose.
“B-but I can’t h-help it.” I said, noticing that I was trembling all over. My teeth were chattering and my hands were shaking so bad I thought I might be having some sort of seizure. I was tired of being myself. I wished I could be somebody else, somebody that actually knew how to care for Gerard the way he deserved. Somebody that had the mental capability to be a girlfriend good enough for him.
“Desolé, you know I don’t hate you. Fuck, I can barely stay mad at you for more then a few hours. You know how I feel about you.” Gerard assured me. So, he was forgiving me? This almost made me want to throw up again. I couldn’t handle such kindness when I didn’t deserve it. At least Milo got mad at me from time to time. But Gerard was just too good for his own good.
I snuggled against his chest for a long, long time and wished that I wasn’t such a complicated mess all of the time. He petted my hair and stroked my back, calming me down. I couldn’t tell whether it was him, the Xanax or the whiskey. But I’m pretty sure it was him. I felt myself lower, sinking back down to earth where I belonged. Back into his arms where I belonged. It felt so good to be held, to actually have somebody holding you. This almost felt like a scene in one of those shitty Lifetime movie or something. Once again, the only sound was the clocking ticking away as the minutes floated on by. I felt like shit still, but a little bit less shitty knowing that Gerard still liked me enough to comfort me.
“Hey, are you okay now?” Gerard asked, peering down at me and lifting a little piece of my hair out of my face. I nodded silently, opening and closing my eyes slowly. “Okay, now explain to me your whole ‘friends with benefits’ plan.” he said. I sighed and sat up a little bit more.
“Well, I consider you to be one of my best friends. And I really, really don’t wan to loose you as a friend. And being in a relationship could destroy that. But I also really liked having sex with you the other night. So I was thinking if we could just remain friends with benefits, its kind of win win.” I said carefully, trying to tread lightly on such thin emotional ice.
“What would be so bad about changing the title to boyfriend and girlfriend? Why would that be so hard?” Gerard asked in a matter-of-fact tone. I sighed again, knowing this wasn’t going to be easy. But nothing is anymore so…
“Gerard, I hate doing this with you. But I just don’t want to be in any type of official relationship. I mean, if we broke up in the end our friendship would be over too. I love you too much to risk that. Besides, you don’t want to date a girl like me. You could do so much better.” I said to him, putting my hand on his. He only rolled his eyes.
“But the problem is that I do want to date a girl like you, more than anything. And I think anything other than you would be a total downgrade.” he insisted. I bit the inside of my left cheek.
“Well, a girl like me doesn’t want to date anybody. There’s too much risk involved. I won’t have my heart shattered again.” I said quickly. Gerard sighed, knowing he wouldn’t get through to me. Not tonight anyway…
“I wouldn’t shatter your heart.” he grumbled, staring at the floor. I wrapped my arms around his chest and back, trying to offer at least some sort of comfort.
“But this is your chance to get to have me. Maybe not all to yourself, but at least you get to have me at all. Not many in this world people get to say that.” I offered. He sighed again and half-frowned. “No commitment, no worries, no trouble…” I added, speaking softly into his ear.
“I don’t want us to be just mindless sex.” he said. I huffed, frustrated. Most guys would kill to have this offer handed to them. Why was he being so difficult? Sometimes I thought that Gerard was more of a girl than I was.
“Once again Gerard, its deal or no deal.” I said finally. I was determined to have my way on this one. Gerard bit his lip as he thought, probably weighing the odds in his head.
“Okay, alright then.” he agreed after a few seconds of deep consideration. I felt a small portion of the large weight that was sitting on my chest let up. I was happy, but for some reason not completely satisfied.
“Great! But we have to set some rules.” I smiled, giving him a squeeze. He nodded for me to continue. “Hm, I guess rule one would be no more ‘I love you’s’.” I started. Gerard gave a reluctant nod. “And the second one is no cuddling after sex. That also includes holding hands. And no kissing except for in the bedroom.” I finished.
“That seems fair enough.” Gerard said, sounding almost sad. “So, what do we do now?” he asked, turning to me. I pondered that for a moment.
“I guess, we fool around if you wanted to.” I suggested. Gerard smirked, then leaned in and gave me a slow kiss. I took that as a yes and kissed him back.
I maneuvered myself so that I was laying on the bed and he was crouching on top of me, our lips still together. Slowly, I tugged him closer by the red tie that he wore as part of his stage costume. His lips moved over to my neck and I accidentally let out a yawn. I took a glance over at the alarm clock and it said it was almost three in the morning.
“Are you okay?” Gerard asked, sitting up. I sat up too and yawned again. I felt like I could’ve slept for weeks I was so tired.
“Yeah, I’m actually pretty exhausted.” I admitted. “Maybe we should continue this tomorrow night?” I asked a little shyly. I hated to spoil the moment but I was about to pass out.
“Sure, I don’t mind. Its getting late we should probably go to sleep. Can I crash here?” he asked, carefully getting off me.
“I don’t know. I mean, if you want to you can.” I said with a shrug. Gerard smiled a tiny bit and I felt my heart warm up. That happened a lot when he smiled. I wish I knew why and how I could make it stop.
“Okay, I’ll stay.” Gerard said, his smile widening for a second. I could’ve sworn that my heart was glowing inside my chest like the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling. Why was I such a girl? Sometimes I wished I’d been born guy so that I could be void of stupid emotions like these.
Gerard got undressed and I tried not to stare. It was difficult not to though. It was even more difficult when he was laying in bed next me. I loved his pale ivory skin and the little freckle on his right shoulder. I loved the dark circles around his eyes and the way he wore concealer on his lips to make himself look like a corpse. I loved his lips and his nose and his big, brownish eyes. I loved him, all of him. But I would never admit it to anybody, not even myself.
Sorry for the short-ness of this chapter. This vacation has been totally cray-cray lately, but lots of fun. I'll try to update more often and the next chapter is going to be long and hard and full of semen. Enjoy!