Categories > Original > Fantasy > Imaginary

Crimson Regret and Betrayal - part 2

by cRaZyD3z 0 reviews

I could die right now. I could fade away slowly and painfully or disappear in a blink and nobody would care. Not Sally, not Aunt Marie, not Will, not ME...

Category: Fantasy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2011-06-27 - Updated: 2011-06-27 - 2948 words

1Exciting
Crimson Regret and Betrayal part 2

-What is that.
-What is what?
-That bandage on your stomach.

His expression changed from one of seriousness to one of concern when he saw the look in my eyes. Now, the one caught eating chocolates was me. I tried to lie.

-It’s nothing... I hit myself with the edge of a table- I said without breaking the eye contact. I should’ve but there was something that held me there, looking into those beautiful, worried hazel eyes. He cleaned his hands, his stare locked upon me. It made me feel weak, vulnerable. He was not going to leave this alone, I knew it. All of a sudden I got very nervous; my legs started trembling and my head started spinning. He got up from the chair quickly and walked towards the art teacher.

-May I take Destiny to the bathroom? She is not feeling very well- he said. The teacher nodded, not paying much attention (I suppose due to the whole pile of papers she had on her desk). Will mumbled a “thank you” and came to me, grabbed my hand and pushed the door open. He almost dragged me out the room. His nails where digging in my skin, white circles forming around his fingers. I tried to pull away but his grip was too strong.

-S…stop, Will. You… you’re hurting me- he didn’t answer, just kept walking down the hall almost dragging me after him. What the hell was wrong with him? He looked like a completely different person. When we reached the boys bathroom he went in, pulling me in with him. Without releasing my arm, he cornered me against the cold white tiles of the bathroom wall and pressed himself against me.

-What is that- his face was filled with anger and frustration but his voice was quiet, alarmingly quiet. With a pain I was not expecting to feel I pulled away from his eyes. I wanted to answer but I didn’t know how to phrase it. I opened my mouth but no words would come out. He looked at me, waiting for an answer, his eyes searching some sing of emotion in my indifferent expression. After years of hiding my feelings, I find it hard to express my emotions. And though it looked like I was not feeling anything I was dying inside. Tears were about to escape my eyes when I remembered my promise. I closed my eyes, holding them back. He reached a hand down and lifted my shirt slightly, just enough to see the bandage. His eyes immediately changed from anger to sadness. His grip loosened and his breath slowed down. His fingers touched it gently, very gently. He sighed.

-Did you… do this to yourself?- his voice was sad and quiet. But I was angry. He really thought that I could’ve done something like that to myself?
-Of course not! Why would I do something like that!?
-I don’t know! I’m just worried about you, ok?

Now that I look back, I regret it. I regret treating him like this. I regret not having told him the truth from the beginning. If I would’ve then everything would’ve been easier. If he would’ve known about my nightmares… maybe nothing would’ve ever happened and I wouldn’t be telling this story. But I hid the truth from him. And now, all the anger that I felt back at that moment seems like the stupidest thing I had ever done.

-Listen, you can tell me. Whatever it is, I promise we will find a solution to it ok? Just please tell me…

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. Just stood there looking at the floor. I felt like crying, like screaming, like ripping my own heart out of my chest… but on the outside I was emotionless. If only he would’ve known what I was feeling…

-If it’s Brian again I will kill him. I swear I will- he said, angry.
-No. It’s not Brian- I answered plainly.
-Then what is it!?- Will asked frustration in his voice. I wanted to tell him everything, to hug him, to cry with him, to let him tell me everything was going to be ok…
-Nothing… you wouldn’t understand…-but I didn’t. Something inside me was pressing those words into my chest and making other ones come out. That was not me. I would’ve never said that.
-Yes… that’s because I never listen to you right? I never worry about you. I never help you with anything. You don’t mean anything to me, right? I must be such a terrible person.
-N… no please, Will... I… I didn’t mean that, I…
-No, no. You’re right. I wouldn’t understand. I can’t understand you Destiny. I want to but sometimes I just can’t understand you. You’re driving me crazy, Des. You are making me go fucking insane.

His grip became strong again. A tear escaped my eye and I didn’t wipe it out. I looked up expecting him to see into my eyes and know what was hidden behind that wall of indifference. Once more, I found myself staring into those sad, beautiful hazel eyes. He was digging his nails into my skin again, making me bleed, but I didn’t care. I was under so much pain already that a little blood was nothing to be worried about. If only it would be that. Will’s eyes were so filled with fear, anger, pain, and sadness that it was painful to only see them. However I couldn’t move. I couldn’t look away. I was locked in his eyes, his eyes that where now filled with tears as well as mine. My arm was not hurting anymore; the pain had gone numb. I closed my eyes, letting the tears fall freely down my cheeks, weeping softly. I didn’t care about my promise; I had to let it out.

Only then did I notice how close we where; his body pressed against mine. Our faces were so close I could feel his unstable breath in my neck. He was crying too, because of me and my selfishness. We were so close that only moving my head forward a little, my forehead found his shoulder. I stayed there a little, hearing Will’s soft cries. My throat said nothing, but my mind could only repeat the same words over and over. I’m sorry Will. I’m sorry… He released my arm and I looked up. He was looking at the floor, tears flowing down his cheeks. I closed my eyes again. I couldn’t look at him. It was so painful to see him like that, suffering because of me. His right hand was still in my stomach, his left hand moved slowly and travelled up my back, holding me in a soft embrace. His fingers caressed the bandage again, his touch sending shivers down my spine. I could feel him getting closer, his body warm against mine and his lips getting closer and closer to mine. His skin against my skin, his warmth, his smell where intoxicating. He was addictive. I should’ve moved, opened my eyes, done something. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay like that forever. I wanted to be with him. I wanted his touch, his breath, his warmth. I wanted him. I needed him. Will’s lips were so close I could feel his breath in my skin. I was not thinking, just concentrated on him and all those things that made me want him, need him. My lips parted unconsciously, and he stopped. He stayed there for what seemed like hours; one arm around my waist, the other on my stomach, now caressing the skin over the bandage, his mouth hovering over mine. My breath stopped, all my tears rushing out at once. Our silent cries echoed each other. We were both hiding something. We were both acting like nothing was happening but we were being torn apart. We were broken. A little cry escaped my lips. The bell rang. And he drifted away.

-You don’t need me. You can take care of yourself- he said. He released me and walked away. I stood there, unable to catch my breath. My head started spinning wildly. I found it hard to stand, to walk, to breathe. My heart was thumping. It looked like it was going to explode out of my chest in any second. Someone, rip it out. Someone, slice it into pieces and make it burst into flames and maybe it won’t hurt this much. Kill it. Please, someone kill it. Take it away. I don’t want it anymore. Please, someone, take it away.

“I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
(so much more)”


I ran and ran and ran. It was the only thing I could do. Run. Run away from everything. I was too weak, too weak to stay. I needed to escape. I run and run and run away from school, past the forest, past the lake, past Aunt Marie’s house. I ran until the sun was almost gone, submerged under the purple horizon. Clouds that covered the sky almost completely where threatening to burst out in any moment but I didn’t care. I just kept running and running and running. Until I reached the park. I stopped and then, and only then, noticed I was completely out of breath. I gaped for air and let my weak legs stumble and drag my body down onto the cold street. A strong hit of thunder was the only warning for the storm. Rain started falling strong and violent. I lay on the floor; the cold rain washing off the blood on the wounds Will’s nails had inflicted on my arm.

“I lay dying and I’m pouring
crimson regret and betrayal”


He was the only thing I needed, the only thing that helped me forget about the constant torture machine my heart had turned into. But he was right. I had been selfish. I had been stupid. Aunt Marie was right too. I was useless. There was not one thing I could do right. I was a disgrace for my aunt who had helped me adopting me and giving me a school and a house to live in and I never even tried to make her happy. I know she’s not a bad person; she is just difficult to treat with. And even if she hates me I still have no reason to hate her. She does. I haven’t done anything right since I’ve been living with her. And now I’ve hurt my best friend, my ONLY friend, who loves me so much and has done so much for me. I had never even said thank you to him for all he did. And I was afraid of telling him about some fucking nightmares that, even if I try to think otherwise, I knew where very dangerous. I was scared to tell Will, who I knew would always help me. I ran away from the solution to the painful problem. I was a coward.

“I’m dying, praying,
bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?”


The pain was unbearable. I screamed with all that I had left. But the rain silenced my cries for help. Thunder, lightning, rain falling endlessly in my heart. I had hurt the one who I loved most, all because of my selfishness. I couldn’t do this alone. I was scared. I was terrified. I couldn’t stop screaming. Cold hands ripped my skin apart. An unbearable hell was burning deep within my soul. As much as I cried and screamed, I couldn’t let it go. I crawled to the nearest tree and tried to walk. My heart was hurting for real, filled with pain. I reached a hand to my chest and felt it beating painfully. When I reached the nearest tree I tried to stand up, but then thunder hit again and the little strength I had in my legs flew away, pulling me to the ground once more.

I wanted Wills touch again, his hands, his breath, his arms around me. He was like a drug. I needed him. Every time I wasn’t with him my pain multiplied by ten. I had destroyed everything. He was the only reason for me to still be alive. He brought sense to my life. Without him, nothing made sense anymore. How he hated me, and I hated myself too. I screamed, digging my nails into my chest, wanting to rip my heart out. I hate myself. I hate myself. I bit my arm, making it bleed. I ripped out the bandages in my cuts. I hit my head against the tree. I hate myself, I hate myself. Kill me. Kill me now. I screamed till my throat was sore, until nothing would come out. I crawled through the mud until I reached one of the streetlights in the park. The glass that covered the light had been broken and sharp pieces of glass lay around it in a circle. I crawled up to it and grabbed the sharpest one I could find. I pressed my finger against its tip, blood quickly coming out of it, and continued down my finger, my hand, until I reached my wrist.

-Did you… do this to yourself?- his voice was sad and quiet. But I was angry. He really thought that I could’ve done something like that to myself?
-Of course not! Why would I do something like that!?
-I don’t know! I’m just worried about you, ok?


I stopped there, staring at the blood all over my hand, remembering what I had told Will. I had been angry at him because he thought I myself made the injury in my stomach. I was angry because I thought I would’ve never done something like that. But he was right. He knew me better that I knew myself. He was right and I was wrong. That didn’t make me feel better; it made me feel even more pathetic. Now, I was filled with hatred. The sharp piece of glass danced elegantly down my arm, slicing the pale, thin skin, beautiful crimson red dropping out, mixing with the rain, falling into the puddle at my feet. It hurt, it hurt like hell, but I wanted it hurt. I wanted to feel pain. I knew I deserved it.

-You don’t need me. You can take care of yourself.

My arm was already bathed in red, blood’s metallic scent being extinguished by the rain’s. Cold tears where falling down my face, mingling with the rain drops. Everything seemed useless now; faint, broken, shattered memories fading in the clouds, the thunder. Every inch of hope in my heart being drained by the rain. I could die right now. I could fade away slowly and painfully or disappear in a blink and nobody would care. Not Sally, not Aunt Marie, not Will, not me.

“My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for your liberance”


Through the pouring rain, I saw a figure move slowly. I didn’t care. I was sure if someone would see me, they would just walk by. That hopeless little insect drowning in a rain drop, not something to waste your time on. Insignificant. I lay on the ground, my head spinning and my arms aching painfully. My whole body, dripping wet, shivered in the cold night air. My heart started hurting awfully and I screamed with pain. Tears rushed out my eyes at once. I only wished one thing, one more thing before I died: Will. I kept thinking about what happened in the bathroom. His arms, his smell, his breath and almost his lips. I didn’t know what happened. Our lips where so close, about to meet, and yet I didn’t do anything. I just stood there waiting for his mouth. At this moment, I only wanted him. His comforting arms around me, protecting me from the cold wind, his soothing, caring words to bring me hope again, at least only for another minute more. A dim voice came to my ears, almost a whisper. Probably the wind, I thought, or my delirious mind. I ignored it, until I heard it a second time, louder. A familiar voice. Same voice twice can’t be my imagination, can it? But it didn’t matter. My body had no strength left, not even enough to open my eyes. The voice pronounced my name, worried, scared. I heard steps on the puddles, getting near, as if someone was running towards me. I was too weak to even move.

-Destiny…-the voice said, and I recognized it immediately. Delicate arms picked me up, placing me gently on his lap and holding me as if I were about to break (which I probably was). Breathing in his smell, my body gained the strength to open my eyes. My head hurt so much I thought it was going to explode, but I managed to keep them open and focus through the blurred vision and the makeup that had gotten in my eyes. And, as if answering my desperate begging, his face appeared. The only thing I needed. The only thing that kept me alive. Will.
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