Speak of the devil. Or the victim of the devil. Or purgatory. Whatever.
Once again, sorry for the wait. I really shouldn’t let this become a habit :S x
“We should talk.”
Frank put down the Kerrang! magazine he was currently engrossed in and glared at me from underneath his fringe. “Should we?”
I sighed and plonked into the chair at the desk he was sitting on. It was about five minutes before homeroom so I decided to grab the opportunity to speak to him seeing as he’d probably avoid me for the rest of the day. I glanced nervously around the classroom – especially at the back – realising there was no sign of Gerard. This didn’t especially worry me. On the contrary, it would’ve made it easier to talk to Frank without them sending daggers to each other from across the room.
“Do you hate me?” I asked. It was a stupid question, I knew, but there was a nagging feeling in my belly that worried me still.
He obviously felt the same way, as he turned and frowned at me. “Why would I hate you?”
When it took me long to construct an answer, he slid off the desk top and sat down in the chair next to me.
“Look,” he began, sighing and scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “What happened the other day...shouldn’t have. I mean, sure, we trust each other enough not to have turned it into anything...y’know...else-“
“-But, I think it’s because we’ve been best friends for so long...it’s wrong for you. Not necessarily for me,” he added, grinning. “But I’m ready to wait till it is right. I’m ready to wait for you, Lee.”
I smiled sadly and kissed his forehead. “I love you,” I whispered. “But not in that way.”
He peaked his head up at me. Suddenly those big brown eyes didn’t make him look like the sixteen year old boy I’d been inseparable with since middle school; he gave the impression of a small child that had been denied his right to have ice cream. “And I just love you.”
My smile broadened and I ruffled his hair playfully. He grunted with protest and flattened down where I had made the many hours spent this morning perfecting it with hair straighteners in vain.
“Now piss off and get your bony ass outta my seat,” I joked, pushing him away.
“At least my ass is bony,” he muttered darkly.
“Don’t be an ass hole.”
“But I’m your ass hole, right?” he said hopefully. I laughed and flipped him off before sinking deeper into my chair, ready to bite today’s lessons in the butt if they so much as dared to ruin my good mood.
The school day came and went with ease - something that hadn’t happened often – but there was still no sign of Gerard. By the time the final bell rang and the torpedo of school kids flooded with haste to evacuate the building, I’d decide to go to the hideout to see if he was there.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I stepped into the cool outside air. Despite my irrational loathing towards the term, the letters T.G.I.F couldn’t help but buzz around in my mid. I smiled to myself, also something that hadn’t occurred often either. It was probably how I’d finally managed to get the message to Frank off my chest. But I still really wanted to see Gerard.
Speak of the devil. Or the victim of the devil. Or purgatory. Whatever.
Gerard stepped out from the shadows of the tree by the gate, just like he had on our first date. I grinned and skipped over to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He smiled back, placed his hands on my hips and kissed me softly.
“Skiver,” I joked.
He raised his eyebrow. “You what?”
“You weren’t in school today,” I replied. Gerard suddenly looked uncomfortable and he dropped his hands from my waist, shaking my arms from around his neck. I frowned and stepped away from him a little. We began to walk in the direction of the hideout.
“I don’t think anyone noticed,” he said quietly. I looked at him oddly. He was staring at the fresh puddles on the grey pavement.
“So how come you weren’t in?”
His shoulders did a peculiar movement which was between a jerk and a shrug. “I had some things to take care of.”
I froze in my tracks and stared at him in horror. Did he really mean...?
“Don’t worry,” he sighed casually, still walking along the road with his hands in his pockets. “Not those kind of things.”
I breathed a sigh of relief and hastened my steps to catch up with him, still slightly cautious.
“I can’t believe you thought...” he said, but trailed off and smirked.
I rolled my eyes at him. “Well, given your history it’s not like I’m being overly paranoid.”
He chuckled slightly as we reached the hideout’s alley and climbed the filthy rungs up to the hideout. Once inside, we dumped our bags on the rotting floorboards and slumped down onto the sofa. Despite its sordidness I had come to grow distinctly close to this place, and treated it as if it were my own lounge.
“I mean, for a minute I thought you had gone killing off your own enemies,” I rambled, more to myself than him. Gerard said nothing. “Then again,” I speculated. “Do you think there are other people like you? Like, in purgatory or whatever?”
“I’m sure there are,” he replied.
I cocked my head in thought. “Can you see them? Or talk to them?” I chuckled to myself at the image of two typical ghosts bitching to each other about how death sucks over mugs of coffee.
“I don’t know,” Gerard frowned. “I’ve never known anyone who was going to be in my situation while I was alive.”
I shuddered at his last words. While I was alive. “What about that McCracken guy? Y’know, the one you broke outta St Eloise with?”
Gerard tensed and I regretted the question. That was obviously a touchy subject.
“Bert’s going to hell. No doubt about it,” he said through clenched teeth. I cleared my throat. Hem hem. Awkward.
“So...” I asked, mildly changing the subject. “What were you taking care of?” He flicked his fringe out of his eyes and leaned back against the sofa, still avoiding eye contact I noticed.
“Does it matter?”
“Well the fact that you’re avoiding talking about it obviously signifies it is.”
Gerard sighed and looked down at his legs which were crossed on the sofa. “Something’s wrong,” he murmured.
“Wrong?” I raised my eyebrow.
“Well,” he corrected himself. “Not wrong. Different.”
I rested my elbow on the head rest of the couch and placed a fist comfortably under my chin, signalling to him that I was intrigued and for him to carry on.
He sighed again. “The other day I told you I had found what was gonna get me out of this shithole, right?”
He paused and lifted his pale, skeletal hand in front of his face and squinted intently at his curved fingers.
“I can feel it...” he said, voice almost a whisper. “I can feel it coming. Pulling me.”
“Pulling you where?” I asked nervously.
“Away,” he replied. “Every day a piece of me leaves. Soon there’ll be nothing left of me and-” he grinned wildly, almost maniacally, and suddenly, with a disturbing back flip in my stomach, I understood what he meant. “-And I’ll be free. Do you understand?”
I nodded dumbly, unable to speak. He was leaving me. I stared at him, wide eyed in disbelief and struggling to construct a sentence in mouth which was currently formed in a perfect “o” shape.
“B-but...” I stammered. “You can’t go!”
“He frowned at my sudden outburst. “What?”
“There has to be more time!” I cried. “You’re just gonna, what, fade away? Just like that?”
“It’s hardly my choice.”
“Fuck that, what about me?” We’re never gonna see each other again and you expect me to just be okay?”
Gerard was silent for a while, his eyes not quite meeting mine. He twiddled his thumbs whilst I was getting increasingly frustrated with the thick tension between us.
“I don’t think you quite understand me, Lee,” he finally murmured. He looked back up at me and I saw that his eyes were shining weirdly. “This is all I’ve ever wanted. More than anything else in the world. I’ve waited, Christ I’ve waited. And now you,” he took my reluctant hand in his cold ones. “You came along and gave me a purpose to hold on. And now the one thing that would help me leave was the one thing that made me stay. Funny how things turn out,” he added humourlessly.
Ah. I got it.
At first the idea frightened me immensely, maybe even disgusted me. But as soon as the horrific thought entered my head, it evolved and refused to leave. I pulled my hand away sharply and nearly goddam fell off the fucking couch in my haste to get away from him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, oh-s-innocently, big hazel puppy dog eyes staring up at me, uncomprehending.
“You were using me,” I spluttered, stepping away from him.
“You were fucking using me all this time!” Tears, fat and unwelcomed, rolled down my cheeks as a shaky hand covered my hand in shock. “I can’t believe I was so stupid!
“Lee, it’s not as it seems-”
“Oh really?” I screamed. He stood up, still not quite not understanding. “Look me in the fucking eye and tell me what we had actually meant anything to you!”
Gerard said nothing. He looked down at his shoes and I knew right then that he was true. I was nothing to him. Nothing except some dumb escape route. And I fell for it too. I was stupid enough to actually trust him; I actually thought he was in love with me.
“I can’t believe you,” I spat. He looked ashamed and guilty. Luckily for him it was exactly what we wanted. I would leave him, and he could fuck off to his ever so needed spot in heaven, as if he even deserved it. The perfect con.
I had nothing else to say to him. I fled from the hideout and ran all the way home. Once back at my apartment, I noticed mom was sitting in the lounge watching The Maury Show and eating a quick mac and cheese before her shift at the hospital. But I ignored her greetings called idly from her spot on the couch. I wasn’t exactly in the mood. Learning that your boy friend was only pretending to love you for a one way ticket out of hell can do that to you.
I stormed into my room and collapsed onto my bed, sobbing. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I couldn’t stop him from going; like he said it was all he ever wanted. More than me. Oh god! I punched a pillow to vent out my frustration. It helped a bit. But not much.
Mom called something which sounded a lot like “I’m leaving be in bed by eleven” but I didn’t answer. I curled into a ball. I felt like shit.
Sigh. Boys sucked. I was better off getting a cat.
Well, you know what they say. Time is the best healer. Still sighing shakily, I snuggled under my blanket- still in skinny jeans, Ramones top and now ruined and running make up- and closed my eyes. Within minutes I was asleep.
Tap tap tap
Tap tap tap
Leave me alone! I’m asleep.
Tap tap tap
Well I wasn't sleeping anymore. The sonofabitch trying to break my window woke me up. I rubbed my eyes groggily and rolled over on my side, checking the time on my cell. 12:37. Great. Still slightly asleep, I slipped out of bed and stumbled over to the window. Running my hands through already messy hair, I opened the window to a blurry figure knocking on the glass-
-And then closed it again.
“Lee, c’mon we need to talk,” Gerard pleaded from his quite dangerous position balancing between the window sill and a tree branch. I hoped he fell. Jackass. “Please?”
I sighed and reopened the window, still harbouring a vicious death glare. “What d’you want?”
”I’m sorry!” Gerard cried, carefully climbing into the room. “You have no fucking idea how hard this is for me!”
“I bet I can imagine.”
“I wasn’t using you. I mean it, honestly,” he said, attempting to take my hand in his.
“You said it yourself,” I replied, yanking my hand away. “This...us...it meant nothing to you. I admit it. I lost. You win, Gerard, okay? Happy now?”
Gerard sighed and looked down at his feet.“At first, yes. When we first met, that thought crossed my mind. But it wouldn’t have worked anyway-
“Well that makes me feel better.”
“It wouldn’t have worked because I fucking fell in love with you!”
He looked up at me, and a pang of guilt surged through my heart as I saw there were tears in his eyes.
“I am so fucking sick of fighting you,” he said firmly. “I don’t wanna do this anymore. I’m leaving whether you like it or not. None of us have the power to stop it. Please. Let’s just make the most of it while we can.”
Beaten, I wrapped my arms around his neck and crushed my lips furiously against his. He was right; I was sick of fights too. Sighing into the kiss, he draped his arms around my waist, passionately weaving his tongue into the entrance of mouth. Kind of tripping, he pushed me up against the wall and nuzzled hungrily against my skin, slightly nipping and kissing at my tearstained cheeks, ear and neck. I gasped as he pushed his body against me more, feeling his erection against my legs. Lips still glued together, we fell onto my bed. He slipped my shirt off of me whilst I fiddled with the zip of his pants.
“I’m gonna miss you,” I whispered. He stopped still, on top of me, and caressed my kiss-bruised lips with his fingers, sighing.
“I have gone yet, y’know,” he grinned. I smiled back and grabbed his hair, forcing his lips back onto mine. He grasped at my skin, digging his nails into my back. I moaned slightly as I pushed off his pants and he fumbled with my bra strap. We didn’t know if he was leaving tomorrow, or next week. We were making the most of it, just like he said. And besides, death could wait for just one more night.
There :) Yeah, I know, reference to the Maury show. I freakin love that programme!