No Cars Go
Gerard dabbles in drugs and Desole dabbles in love...
It was the night before Desolé’s birthday, and she said she wanted us all to get royally fucked up in honor of her nineteenth birthday. And that was exactly what we did. In fact, I took it a little farther than the rest of everybody. Bert called me before the party and said he had something he wanted to share with me. Thinking it was probably a hooker or a stripper, I was a little antsy about it but I agreed. We met in the bathroom backstage after and in front of him on the bathroom counter were two neatly cut lines of cocaine, just sitting there.
“Holy shit Bert! What the fuck? Do you know how much shit you could get in for that?” I exclaimed when I saw that pretty white powder. I looked over my shoulder, paranoid, even though the bathroom door was shut. Bert laughed at my reaction and itched his nose. He’s already had some.
“just shut the hell up and try it man, its like God’s breath.” he encouraged, handing me a very tightly rolled up dollar bill. I chewed my cheek and thought for a moment. There was a vague little voice in my head telling me “what if Desolé finds out?”. I paused a moment longer. What if she found out? Would she be mad or upset? Most likely. But then another, louder, voice in my head was saying “but she isn’t going to find out”.
I gave Bert one final glance and we both started to laugh. I gripped the rolled up dollar bill in between my index finger and my thumb and held it up to my nose. I bent over the bathroom counter and positioned the dollar at the head of the line. I inhaled deeply and felt an uncomfortable burning sensation. The taste was bitter and acidy, but I kind of liked it.
It took only split second before I felt my head soar. I felt my eyes widen as I looked over at Bert. He only smiled and laughed, obviously knowing what I was feeling. He asked me if I wanted the second line. I shook my head and got insanely dizzy. I didn’t want to give myself a heart attack, this being my first time ever using something this hard. My heart was already racing and bounding like a race horse in my chest. He shrugged and started working on carefully putting the rest of the coke back into the dime bag.
“Here, save it for later.” Bert said, handing me the bag. I stuffed in it my pocket and stood still for a second. Every thought felt so profound and I felt like my brain was working at top speed. I felt like this was a prime moment to accomplish greatness.
Before I knew it, I was rushing out of the venue. It felt as though I was running a million miles an hours, but all I was doing was jogging across the street to the bar where Desolé was having her birthday. I stepped inside and was punched in the face by the room and the crowd. I peered around, trying to slow down my eyes so that I could actually see who I was looking at.
“Hey Gerard! You made it!” Milo said, patting me on the back and almost knocking me over. I whipped around and saw him standing there. He saw the crazed look in my eyes and raised an eyebrow.
“Hey, where’s Des?” I asked, trying to slow down my voice. I didn’t want Milo to know otherwise he’d tell Desolé. Maybe I was just being paranoid, but I felt like everybody could tell that I was hopped up on coke. My mind was racing, but I was still thinking. My heart was going to fast I was afraid it would simply give out at any moment.
“Um, she sweet talked the owner of the bar to let her sing a song. She’s gonna be onstage any second.” Milo said, sounding a little concerned about me. “Are you feeling okay Gerard?” he asked, peering at me a little sideways. I had to leave or I’d blow my cover.
“Never better!” I accidentally yelled. He looked a little taken back. Then I turned on my heel and took off into the crowd and toward the small stage. I got to the front right as the curtains opened-
Desolé was sitting on top of a white piano, microphone in hand wearing a pink feather boa. She saw me in the crowd and smiled widely. I waved a little and was about to say hi when I remembered that she was onstage and not standing in front of me. There was a man at the piano, and a tiny little rag-time band behind them playing a jazzy blues song that I had never heard before.
“A guy who takes his time, I go for anytime. I’m fast moving gal who likes ‘em slow. Got no use for fancy driving. Wanna see a guy arriving in low.” Desolé sang into the mic. The crowded whooped and hollered, falling absolutely in love with her. How could they not though? She was just one of those girls that had everybody in the palm of her hand.
Milo found me at the foot of the stage and put his arm around my shoulder. I just stood there, spacing in and out of what was going on. He said something that sounded like “she’s great isn’t she?” but I was too busy staring at Desolé to respond or do any thing.
“A hurry up affair, I always give the air. Wouldn’t give any rushing gent a smile. I would go for any singer who would condescend to linger awhile.” Desolé continued, sitting up and throwing me a little wave along with a wink. I laughed loudly and waved back. I felt amazing. I felt like I could do anything and everything. I felt like a god…
“A guy who takes his time, I’d go for anytime. A hasty job really spoils a master’s touch. I don’t like a big commotion. I’m a demon for slow motion and such. Why should I deny that I would die to know a guy who takes his time?” She belted out, throwing her head back and sticking her legs straight up in the air. Every time I watched her perform, I felt like I was falling in love with her all over again.
“There isn’t any fun in getting something done if you rush when you have to make the grade. I can spot an amateur, appreciate a connoisseur in his trade. Who would qualify, no alibi, to be the guy who takes his time?” She said, finishing out the song by blowing everybody a kiss and batting her eyes. The crowd went wild and she hopped off the piano.
“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for making my birthday so spectacular!” she beamed at everybody before setting the microphone down on the stage and trotting off to the stairs on the side.
“Gerard! You made it!” she squealed when she saw me, throwing her arms around my neck. My head was still reeling from that one line. Suddenly, a blinding white light flashed in our faces. Oh great, people with cameras.
“Hi Desolé, this is Janie from In Style magazine. Would you like to give us a word on your birthday bash?” asked the person behind the camera.
“I’d loved to!” Desolé smiled, her arms still around my neck. “I’m turning nineteen and I’m here with all my friends. Tonight has been great and its only one thirty! I still have a lot of partying left to do!” she grinned, allowing Janie to snap one more picture before she ran off.
“Des, Gerard! Let’s get out of here! I wanna give you your present!” Milo called over the loud music. Desolé nodded and we all linked hands before making our way out of the bar. Milo led us outside and all I could think about was how fast the night was moving and how powerful I felt.
“Okay, do you remember your first car?” Milo asked Desolé who stood, eagerly awaiting her birthday present. Desolé nodded fervently.
“Yes! White Chevy rag-top convertible! How could I forget?” she said excitedly. Milo smiled widely at her anticipation. I myself was excited and anxious to see what Milo had come up with this time.
“Well, I had my cousin restore and repaint it. And here it comes!” Milo cheered, turning Desolé’s head to the left. A baby pink convertible with a black top came strolling into the parking lot with a person who I was guessing to be Milo’s cousin driving it.
“Oh. My. God.” Desolé said, her jaw nearly hitting the floor. “ITS BEAUTIFUL!” she screamed. She tackled Milo and almost knocked him to the ground. He picked her up and she hugged him around the neck. I was just standing there laughing at her reaction.
“Milo! She’s gorgeous! I love it! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!” she continued to shriek, jumping off Milo. She ran around in circles for a few seconds before grabbing my hand and pulling me over to it.
“Gerard! We have to drive this thing holy shit!” she insisted, tugging on my hand. I laughed even harder and shook my head.
“I will not be caught dead in that thing! Its bright pink!” I exclaimed. Desolé pretend pouted and sat on the hood.
“But its so pretty!” she whined, still tugging my hand. I rolled my eyes. “Milo, thank you so much!” she said, turning to him once again.
“Its nothing! You two go enjoy your night. I have shit I have to take care of in the morning.” Milo said, brushing it off.
“Okay, I’ll see you later.” she beamed at him. I loved to see her happy. She looked even more beautiful when she was happy. Milo and his cousin left, leaving Desolé and I alone in the parking lot of the bar. She pulled me onto the hood of the car with her where we laid down and looked up at the stars.
“I have a present for you too. But I doubt it’ll be as good as a car.” I said kind of quietly. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the jewelry box. With Bob’s help, I’d gotten her a silver choker said “sing it out” in cursive.
“You didn’t have to get me anything.” she said honestly. I rolled my eyes. Every girl I’d ever known said that. I handed her the box with a little red bow on it. She took the bow off and stuck it on her head, making me grin, before she opened it.
“Sing it out…Gerard, it’s beautiful!” she smiled as she read it. She touched the little silver words with the tip of her red finger nail. “Will you help me put it on?” she asked, looking over at me. I nodded and took it out of the box. She turned her back and pulled her long blond hair over her shoulder and off her neck. I pulled it around her neck and hooked it in the back.
“How does it look?” She asked, touching her throat where it was resting. I swallowed deeply before answering.
“You look beautiful.” I said before I realized that she was asking about the necklace. She cupped her hand over my mouth to catch a giggle and scooted closer to me.
“I have a present for you, too.” she said smoothly, running her fingers through her hair. Just being this close to her was getting me hot and bothered. I felt her touch my cheek. I knew her hands were soft, but tonight they felt like silken gloves.
She took my hand, pulling me away from the car and the parking lot and over to the motel where we were staying for the night. I felt numb, but at the same time all my senses were heightened ten fold. It was like, if somebody were to cut me I wouldn’t feel it. But I could already feel the effects starting to fade. If Desolé and I were going to fuck tonight which was way more then likely, I most certainly wanted to snort some more. That’s when I realized I still had that other line in my pocket.
“Gerard, are you feeling alright?” Desolé asked when we got to her room. She shut the door and I headed to the midget sized bathroom to cut this line.
“Yeah, I just need to find the condom I brought.” I lied easily, closing the bathroom door and locking it. The bathroom counter was littered with lipstick tubes, eye shadow, and numerous other things that I had no idea what they were. She had only been here a few hours and had already turned it into a total chick bathroom.
“Okay, there’s a box in my make up case if you can’t find it.” she called. I found it oddly comforting that she always had condoms with her. It kind of took some of the responsibility off of me. But now was time to figure out this whole coke situation.
I’d seen it done in movies and shit before, so I hoped it would be as easy as it looked. I pulled out the bag and dumped the contents onto the counter. I pulled out my wallet and my drivers license. I tried to make a line, but it just kept straying off into random places across the counter so I gave up and just snorted the pathetic line that I had cut. Once again, I stood up and felt my head rush. I felt talkative, excited and energetic.
“Gerard what are you doing in there?” Desolé called from the other room. I cursed quietly to myself, realizing that the coke may or may not effect my “performance” tonight. I sighed and got undressed, leaving my shirt on. I didn’t feel like dealing with myself right now.
“One sec!” I called back, quickly taking a moment to ready myself before I put the condom on. I took a deep breath before stepping out of the bathroom. The moment the door opened and I was in the other room, I felt the coke start to kick in.
My already racing heart skipped a beat when I saw Desolé sitting on the bed. She was wearing a silk lavender bra that had bits of black lace and matching under wear. She was biting the tip of her right index finger in that sort of “guilty” looking way that drove me wild. I couldn’t help but smirk as I walked over to her. She grabbed my hand and sat me on the bed next to her. We kissed and I ran one of my hands through her soft hair.
“Take off your shirt.” She mumbled into my lips. I felt her hands reach for the top button of my shirt and I gently pulled them away. I shook my head and pretended not to notice as she rolled her eyes.
“That’s a really cute lingerie set. Where’d you get it?” I asked as casually as I could, even though my mind was thinking a million thoughts a minute. I couldn’t seem to get over how good her lips felt or how soft or how gentle her touch was. I felt like my heart was about to explode with affection for her.
“Victoria’s Secret sent it to me because I said something nice about them in an interview a while back.” She smiled, reaching behind her and unhooking the clip on the back of that pretty purple bra. I stared at it for a moment, just looking at it laying on the cheap hotel sheets and thinking about how much better it looked. Then I looked up at Desolé, who was laying on her back right next me. I bent my head down and kissed her shoulder.
“Be gentle with me, Gerard.” she said with a small sigh of contentment and a pretty smile. Gentle? Desolé had never asked for me to be gentle before. If anything, it was always “harder” or “faster”. She usually liked to play rough. I wasn’t worried though, I knew I could do gentle.
Suddenly I felt like I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I held my tongue. As much as if bugged me, I always followed the rules. It sucked though, not being able to just hold her simply because I wanted to hold her. And as good as the sex was, I was saddened that all it would be was sex. Oh well I guess. I mean, I never thought I’d get this far with her. I didn’t think we’d ever get passed being friends but I was wrong. And this was certainly better than nothing.
I reached over and rested my hand on her stomach, twirling small circles around her belly button with my middle finger. I loved the way it felt when her skin prickled up underneath my fingers. All my life I never thought I’d be capable of giving a girl goose bumps but here I was. Carefully, I traced over her hip bones, which had always protruded slightly because she was so thin. Her skin had always been soft, but right now it felt like cashmere or satin, or some really soft fabric. Staring at the ceiling, my vision pulsating with my ever racing heart, my hand crept downward. I wasn’t even fully aware of what I was doing, but whatever it was Desolé was enjoying it. All I could seem to focus on was the sound of her breath quickening and the occasional little sighs and moans that escape her.
I don’t know how long we laid there like that. But it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes. Finally, I lifted my hand away and looked over at Desolé. Her eyes had been closed, but opened briefly before she leaned in and kissed me. She very carefully and slowly bit my lower lip, pulling back just a little and looking me dead in the eyes. I felt myself go through a wave of numbness.
Desolé rolled over on me so that she was sitting on my stomach, her silvery hair all disheveled and out of place. She smiled and slipped out of her underwear before tossing it on the hotel floor. My eyes wanted to follow it, but my vision was locked on her. She laid down on top of me, her face inches from mine. She touched my lower lip with her finger and I felt a severe pang of wanting.
“Your heart is racing…” she said softly with a satisfied smile. I smiled weakly and let out a soft moan as she sat back up and dug her hips into mine. I reached up and placed my hands on her waist, enjoying the feeling of the curve of her.
Being as careful as I could, I rolled us over so that I was on top of her and started kissing her neck. She laughed lightly and wrapped her thin arms around my back, running a hand through my tangled hair. I kept kissing her and cautiously slipped inside of her. That first moment of penetration felt like pure ecstasy. Sex had never felt like this before and I knew that it would probably never be the same when I wasn’t hopped up on coke. Desolé pulled my face out of her neck. Her hands were so soft as she held my face in her hands.
For a split second I thought she was going to say “I love you” but then I realized that that would be impossible and stupid. I figured out that by now, I’d probably never hear her say it and mean it. And I was dealing with it, coming to terms with it. Maybe one day I would understand her reasoning but currently it just frustrated the hell out of me.
I couldn’t tell you how long I went on thinking about that. It seemed like every time Desolé and I were in bed together time just disappeared and there was only us. It was very strange, but it was great having no recollections of what was going in the outside world. And though she would probably deny the shit out of it, there was something highly intimate about the time we spent in the sack together. But no matter how good or fantastic the sex was, it would probably ten million times better if I could just cuddle with her afterwards and tell her how much I loved her.
I was so distracted by all these thoughts, I was kept loosing track of what I was doing. I wasn’t even aware at how close I was. It was like my body was more in control than my mind was. But as close as I was, Desolé was closer. Her eyebrows furrowed together and she gasped as she hit her climax. She let out a ferocious growl like she was in pain, but even if she was she wouldn’t have asked me to stop. The feeling of her finger nails scraping into my back sent me over the edge. I bit into her neck to keep from shouting and rode out the high.
We laid there for a moment, both of us catching our breath. I rolled off her and let out a big breath I hadn’t realized I was holding in. I tossed the used condom into the waist bin next to the bed and handed Desolé her underwear. I sat with my feet over the edge of the bed and felt her wrap her arms around my shoulders along with her lips on my cheek. It made me sad that this would be the last kiss I would get from her until we found ourselves in another hotel bedroom. The coke was wearing off and I felt like I was about to pass out.
“Its three in the morning. I should probably get going.” I said mostly to myself.
I sighed as he got up. Gerard was always gloomy after we had sex. And it killed me to know that I was the cause. I put my bra and underwear on and poked around the room for my clothes as Gerard got dressed. I pulled my tee shirt over my head and fixed my hair in the mirror next to the TV. I glanced over to see Gerard’s reflection as he put on his leather jacket. He looked so down I just couldn’t take it.
“Hey wait!” I said right as he started to open the door. He paused and looked over at me. I bit my lip for a second. “Do you wanna go get some coffee with me?” I asked through clenched teeth. I didn’t want to lead him on, but I hated to see him so sad. He smiled, his eyes brightened and he nodded.
I put my shoes on and we headed out. Everybody was sleeping or fucking, so we didn’t bother to see if anybody wanted to come with us. It was chilly outside, so Gerard let me wear his jacket. He was such a gentlemen. It weird being treated like a lady when I surely didn’t deserve it. We climbed into my gorgeous pink car and I drove down the road until we found a diner that was open.
“Ugh, I can already feel the hangover.” I grumbled as we took our seats at the counter. I rested my chin on my hands and Gerard smirked at me, but could tell that he was feeling it too.
“Just get some coffee and food in your stomach and you’ll be okay.” Gerard assured me. He knew how to deal with bad hangovers from experience.
“What can I get for you two?” asked a waitress with a very country accent.
“Two black coffees.” I said quickly. She nodded and jotted down our orders before heading back to the kitchen to shout at the chef. I looked around at the nearly deserted diner and felt kind of empty. Gerard and I’s hands were just sitting on the counter. I wanted to reach out and take his hand just to wipe that sad look off his face but I knew it would just be leading him on.
The waitress came back with our coffees. Gerard put cream and sugar in his and I just drank mine black, enjoying the bitter taste. I stared at my reflection in the dark brown liquid. It was weird to think that I was nineteen now. Soon I would be twenty. Soon I wouldn’t be a teenager anymore. I touched the necklace Gerard had gotten me. “Sing it out”, how fucking perfect was that?
“Thank you for the necklace. I love it. I really do.” I said kind of absently, still staring at my coffee. Gerard smiled a little bit.
“You’re welcome. I figured it would be something you liked.” he said kindly. I smiled and toyed with it in my fingers happily.
I felt fed up. I was tired of pretending and lying to myself. I was so sick of being such a coward about my feelings. I loved Gerard, I loved him with all my heart. And as I sat there drinking my coffee and fiddling with that necklace I realized that he deserved to know how I felt. And even though he probably didn’t feel the same way anymore, I wanted him to know. I wouldn’t be able to blame him if he didn’t feel the same anymore. I’d put him through hell, he had every right to be mad at me.
“Gerard, I gotta tell you something.” I said, taking a big shaking breath. My fingers trembled so bad I couldn’t hold my coffee mug. Gerard looked at me with a raised eyebrow. I had to do this, even though it felt like somebody had wedged a steal knife in my throat. I braced myself, hoping I hadn’t completely torn this apart. Do I risk it all? Come this far just to fail?
“Gerard, I haven’t been honest with you or myself lately. And I understand if you don’t feel the same way anymore, but I just wanted you to know that I love you. I have all along.” I said before I even realized what I was really saying. Gerard took a second to take this in, but then smiled so widely I though his face would break.
“You really mean that?” he asked, putting his hand on mine. I nodded, too choked up to speak.
“I understand if you don’t feel the same way.” I stammered, wiping my eyes quickly.
“Desolé, some days you drive me up the wall. Sometimes I wish I’d never met you. But underneath it all, I am so happy I did. No matter how angry I get or how bad you hurt me, I still love you. I probably always will.” he admitted. I felt my heart soar and the tears start flowing.
“Don’t cry. Why are you crying?” Gerard chuckled, wiping my cheeks with a napkin. I laughed too, but couldn’t get the tears to stop.
“I was just scared that you wouldn’t feel the same way.” I said, wiping my and laughing at myself.
“So does this mean that I can kiss you and cuddle you? And hold your hand and tell you I love you whenever I want?” he asked eagerly. I laughed a little harder and nodded.
“Yes! This means we’re boyfriend and girlfriend I guess.” I beamed. Gerard leaned in and kissed me. I was so happy I didn’t even mind that his breath tasted like coffee. This was great, this was the beginning of a new era. A better one.
“I find it hard to believe that this is actually happening.” Gerard said once he pulled away. I leaned over and hugged him tightly around the shoulders.
“Me too. The tour is half over and we’ve come so far in the past few weeks.” I mumbled into his neck. He nodded and I felt happy tingle in my stomach.
“I love you.” he said softly.
“I love you, too.” I said. I felt like a huge boulder was lifted off of my chest just by saying that one simple phrase. I felt like I had waited a million years to say it.
“Look, the suns coming up.” I said, pointing over to the door of the diner. You could see little beams of golden sunlight being thrown up in the distance. “No point in going to bed now.” I added with a laugh.
“What do you wanna do?” I asked after a long pause. We sat there watching the sun come up. Gerard didn’t even answer, he only shrugged. And that was good enough for me.
So that was the moment we've all been waiting for! Sorry about the serious lack of updates. Things have been totally bonkers and I was sick for a while. Hope this chapter makes up for it!